The last few days have been a little off for me, so I sat in silence at work today and let my mind wander. I knew this day was coming.... a week from tomorrow actually.... but until this morning, I hadn't really thought about it. The other night I had a dream with Todd in it....we were fighting (so typical), and I woke up irritated. Without even realizing it, that one dream set off triggers that I hadn't even thought about for months. I'm in a new relationship with someone who I consider my soul mate....twin flame....or whatever you think someone who you consider the other half of you and balances you in every way, is called. The last few days those triggers set off insecurities that I thought were long gone. Silly really, considering how our relationship is, and completely unfair for me to put that on someone who has never done anything to cause those triggers. It's completely opposite of that. With him I feel completely secure and loved. So today I sat down and decided I needed to close the chapter of my marriage to Todd.
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."
I thought I'd already done this. Funny how one insignificant dream can stir up old feelings. Having said that however, I can honestly say I am....my life is, far different....better than a year ago. There have been a lot of changes in our home. I remodeled a little. I changed things around. I've been going through things and getting rid of the stuff that I never understood why we ever had it. Things that never really had any meaning....stuff that was just.....stuff. Everyone is a year older. I have 2 adult kids, almost 3...and then my youngest who is quickly approaching being a teenager in a few months, who always makes me smile...and frustrates me...sometimes within a few minutes. I know the kids miss their dad, but I also know they're doing ok. Mom...that's me....doesn't yell anymore. There is definitely a change in how our home feels. More peaceful, relaxed. I'm not saying it's perfect. I still get irritated occasionally. I still have moments of complete frustration. They are still kids after all, and I still have 3 living at home, and life is not perfect, but it's better. I can also say that for the first time in years, I'm happy...really happy. Would I go back and change my past if I could? No. I can look back and see just how much I've learned, how much I've grown. I know exactly what I want....and what I won't put up with again. I was married to a man who gave me 4 incredible kids. For that I am incredibly grateful. They are not perfect....but perfectly imperfect, each with their own unique personalities, opinions, dreams, talents, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I didn't have a great marriage....but I have great kids that came from that marriage, and they are 4 of my greatest treasures.
I'm not going to quit writing. I'm starting another blog. You might ask why....or maybe not. Well, I've started another chapter in my life, and it's a really awesome chapter, and I guess I feel like there needs to be a definite end to this one. I've learned more about truly being loved and cared about.....and loving someone who I care deeply for in the last few months, than I even knew was possible. It's a chapter of new beginnings and moving on. Living in the present and looking forward to the future. The chapter of my marriage....is done. While it is all still very much a part of me, there is no room for baggage in the present. The past needs to stay in the past. Here is where I let it go...and where it will stay.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." -- Louis B. Smedes