The last year and a half my patience level has been at an all time low. I always considered myself a fairly patient person.....and then I got married....and had children....and my patience was cut about in half. The last year and a half I have been pushed beyond my limits and then some. I think most of it is I'm just mentally tired of everything. I could really use a vacation.....by myself....which won't happen anytime soon.....but I can dream. Going back to work is proving to be a rough transition, I never expected it to be easy. Cirrhosis is a nasty disease. When your liver doesn't function as it should you get ammonia that builds up, this goes to your brain. Dangerous yes, it can kill you. It can be somewhat controlled by medication, if you remember to take it. It makes it so you have a hard time remembering things. It makes you a little confused. It makes you shaky and unbalanced. All the time....no. Inconvenient times, like when your spouse gets home from work in the wee hours of the morning and she wants to sleep, but can't because the lights are on and the tv is on and you think you need to eat because you're starving at 3am, followed by smoking, falling asleep in the garage for a period of time and then thinking you need to eat again......repeat a few times....not actually getting into bed for 24 hours straight or longer. Which then means fluid starts building up in your legs and you end up in a ton of pain. These are the hard.....really, really hard days. These are the days I usually start spouting off about stupid crap because I'm tired. Like....."I asked you to check my tires. Seriously I don't get how you can go walk around a store for hours, but you can't pull a stupid hose out of the garage and check my tires for me?!" "What if I get in an accident on my way home from work in the middle of the night because my tires are low?" Ummm yea.....like I've never checked my own tires and put air in them before. In my head I was even telling myself to shut up. About an hour after that, he came and told me he checked my tires....they were absolutely fine (like he had tried to tell me)....and I felt like an Ass.
Todd and I are complete opposites, and one of my tired tirades recently I lost it with him. No clue what started it. Opposites attract.... that saying is so overused. They only attract until you realize you can't stand doing anything that the person you're attracted to likes doing. If you like them enough you learn to bend, this has to go both ways. When one person bends and the other doesn't.....it doesn't work so well. How can you be with someone for over 16 years and they have no clue who you really are or what you like or don't like? For years we did family things like....monster truck shows, and state fairs, watched wrestling, motor cross racing, car racing... stuff..... I HATE with a passion all of those things......HATE them...but I participated because we were doing things as a family and I was willing to bend. Whenever we did anything, even just the two of us, we did things he liked. Why? Because he never liked my suggestions. I love concerts, plays, musicals, dancing, basketball, nice restaurants. Most of the time you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt, I have absolutely no sense of style....and I'm totally ok with that. I absolutely hate shopping, Todd thinks it's because I don't want to spend time with him.....yea I've hated shopping my whole life. But, once in a while I would love to put on a dress and high heels and go out somewhere nice and feel like a woman. I would love to be able to go to a real salon and get my hair and nails done. I haven't been to a real salon or done any of these things since before.....before I got married. However, I'm also a home body. I couldn't do those things all the time. I like being home and just doing nothing sometimes. That's probably the one thing Todd and I have in common. I finally hit a point where I was tired of being the only one who ever compromises, and I blew up....and he sat there, never saying a word. Why now? I don't have a clue, we haven't gone out and done anything together for years, but when I'm tired it's best not to push one of my buttons, because who knows what's really going on in my head at that moment. Yes I was being an ass again....I've gotten pretty good at it, nothing to cheer about. He's happy just being with me, sitting next to me, but he's never really gotten to know me.....I don't understand how that happens. I guess we spent so much time doing everything he liked he just thought I would learn to like it too. I knew I couldn't change him....but still had it in the back of my head that I would. HA....I guess he was thinking the same way.....and it's never going to happen. Yet another lesson learned. And when I'm tired.....it's probably best to slowly back away.....turn....and run.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Sometimes We Have to Let Our Kids Learn Things the Hard Way...
It's that time of year again.....Graduation. The last couple of weeks walking through the grocery store it's in my face, on cakes and balloons and decorations to buy. I'm feeling a little cheated, a little....sad. I have my oldest son that should be graduating. Instead the day he turned 18 he dropped out of high school. Sure, he decided he would continue with adult education because, it would be easier to help him make up the credits he needs (and he needs over a years worth) to graduate. He almost never goes to the school, and as a parent watching the decisions he's making it's frustrating. Of course I could be "that" parent, the one that will do anything to make sure their child graduates, including doing the make up work for them. But there is no way in Hell that I would ever do that.
My oldest son, has never liked school.....never. When he was in 3rd or 4th grade I got a call from him. "Mom can you come pick me up I've got a stomach ache?" I didn't believe him. Why? This is my kid that other than a cold once in a blue moon, never gets sick I picked him up anyway, because I figured something else was going on. When we got to the car I looked at him and asked, "Do you really have a stomach ache?" He just sat there.....and I told him I would take him home but when he was ready I wanted him to come and talk to me about what was going on. About an hour later he told me they were supposed to be working on an assignment and his teacher kept asking him over and over if he needed help on it.....and it got on his nerves. I knew at that moment, school was not going to be easy with him, but I made clear I wasn't picking him up again just because the teacher got on his nerves. He waited until he got to High School and then just started ditching classes. He hates asking for help, he doesn't like people asking him if he needs help....and if he didn't want to do an assignment in class or otherwise he just never did it. He made it look like he didn't care about grades or school or learning. I never understood this. When I found out that all he needed to do in Junior High was show up to class and do assignments to get a C average my jaw dropped. Because he was failing. To fail a class here you quite literally have to do Nothing. I shook my head, my frustrations with the school system grew, as they continued to pass him from one year to the next....failing every single year. Never making him be accountable, setting him up to fail the next year because he was that much more behind. The reality.....I don't know that holding him back would have even helped. I couldn't get him to do homework, his teachers couldn't get him to any work. He just didn't care. I even have a rule in my house that if you want to get your driver's license when you turn 16 you have to have at least a C average. It was never a motivator for him. He just got his license.....on his own, this month. I've talked to him....lectured him....begged and pleaded with him to do something. Because I know he is going to have a much harder time without an education. I don't get the whole I don't care I know everything attitude.....I don't know how you just decide not to graduate from high school.
So what do I do with a kid who I just can't get a handle on, in the last few years I've barely been able to parent? Who drops out of school when I tell him how important an education is in life. A kid who I taught not to lie and steal.....and he ends up getting caught doing both. A kid who does everything opposite of what I ask or talk to him about. I'll tell you what I do. I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Look....I love you, I will always love you. but if you want to learn all this the hard way....then go for it. I'm done lecturing." I'll be completely honest, I have a hard time having conversations with him right now. I don't know why. He at least has a job and his own transportation that he got on his own. He has a lot to learn about life....and I guess when it comes down to it we all did when we were 18. In some ways he's ahead of the game, but without that all important education he's going to find himself slowly falling behind. So I sit back and see my friends who have kids graduating, and how proud they are. And I'll be honest I'm jealous. We should be celebrating. I should get to take graduation pictures and have a party.....and I can't help but be a little disappointed. However, I'm all about letting our kids make choices, and letting them deal with consequences on their own. I can't live life for my children. I can give them advice, I can tell them I'm not happy with something they are doing, I can help guide them in the right direction, but ultimately they have to learn it themselves. So you have a child that you tell not to touch the stove because they might get burned......and they touch it anyway, just because....and they get burned. Maybe they have a scar, but they won't likely do it again. As our kids grow up we give them advice....it doesn't mean they are always going to follow it. Hardest part of parenting....letting our kids make mistakes. We all have to, I'm pretty sure I still make mistakes on a daily basis. We know this is part of the learning process. It's hard to sit back and watch it happen, but if I want my children, especially my oldest right now to learn, I have to let them make mistakes and try again. We all figure it out eventually....right?
My oldest son, has never liked school.....never. When he was in 3rd or 4th grade I got a call from him. "Mom can you come pick me up I've got a stomach ache?" I didn't believe him. Why? This is my kid that other than a cold once in a blue moon, never gets sick I picked him up anyway, because I figured something else was going on. When we got to the car I looked at him and asked, "Do you really have a stomach ache?" He just sat there.....and I told him I would take him home but when he was ready I wanted him to come and talk to me about what was going on. About an hour later he told me they were supposed to be working on an assignment and his teacher kept asking him over and over if he needed help on it.....and it got on his nerves. I knew at that moment, school was not going to be easy with him, but I made clear I wasn't picking him up again just because the teacher got on his nerves. He waited until he got to High School and then just started ditching classes. He hates asking for help, he doesn't like people asking him if he needs help....and if he didn't want to do an assignment in class or otherwise he just never did it. He made it look like he didn't care about grades or school or learning. I never understood this. When I found out that all he needed to do in Junior High was show up to class and do assignments to get a C average my jaw dropped. Because he was failing. To fail a class here you quite literally have to do Nothing. I shook my head, my frustrations with the school system grew, as they continued to pass him from one year to the next....failing every single year. Never making him be accountable, setting him up to fail the next year because he was that much more behind. The reality.....I don't know that holding him back would have even helped. I couldn't get him to do homework, his teachers couldn't get him to any work. He just didn't care. I even have a rule in my house that if you want to get your driver's license when you turn 16 you have to have at least a C average. It was never a motivator for him. He just got his license.....on his own, this month. I've talked to him....lectured him....begged and pleaded with him to do something. Because I know he is going to have a much harder time without an education. I don't get the whole I don't care I know everything attitude.....I don't know how you just decide not to graduate from high school.
So what do I do with a kid who I just can't get a handle on, in the last few years I've barely been able to parent? Who drops out of school when I tell him how important an education is in life. A kid who I taught not to lie and steal.....and he ends up getting caught doing both. A kid who does everything opposite of what I ask or talk to him about. I'll tell you what I do. I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Look....I love you, I will always love you. but if you want to learn all this the hard way....then go for it. I'm done lecturing." I'll be completely honest, I have a hard time having conversations with him right now. I don't know why. He at least has a job and his own transportation that he got on his own. He has a lot to learn about life....and I guess when it comes down to it we all did when we were 18. In some ways he's ahead of the game, but without that all important education he's going to find himself slowly falling behind. So I sit back and see my friends who have kids graduating, and how proud they are. And I'll be honest I'm jealous. We should be celebrating. I should get to take graduation pictures and have a party.....and I can't help but be a little disappointed. However, I'm all about letting our kids make choices, and letting them deal with consequences on their own. I can't live life for my children. I can give them advice, I can tell them I'm not happy with something they are doing, I can help guide them in the right direction, but ultimately they have to learn it themselves. So you have a child that you tell not to touch the stove because they might get burned......and they touch it anyway, just because....and they get burned. Maybe they have a scar, but they won't likely do it again. As our kids grow up we give them advice....it doesn't mean they are always going to follow it. Hardest part of parenting....letting our kids make mistakes. We all have to, I'm pretty sure I still make mistakes on a daily basis. We know this is part of the learning process. It's hard to sit back and watch it happen, but if I want my children, especially my oldest right now to learn, I have to let them make mistakes and try again. We all figure it out eventually....right?
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Back to Work
One day left......deep breath in......and out. I really have no idea how I'm feeling about all of this. I have to admit I'm a little bit anxious. It's not like being a working mom is new to me. The last year and a half is the longest I've gone without a job.....at least as far as I can remember....(My memory is crap). I've probably said at least a hundred times now, life is always changing, and we are constantly readjusting. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have to constantly adjust to life changes. I think I would get bored very quickly. I don't typically plan anything too far in advance, I do things spur of the moment....or last minute. Although I have to admit it would be nice if life slowed down just a little bit.
So here I am, going back to my job that I left a year and a half ago. I'm going back to the same schedule I worked when I left. I'm going back to late nights and little sleep. (although summer is almost here so I'll have a little relief). None of this is new. When I first started this job, I was working 6-10 hour shifts 5 days a week (I started right at a busy time). I was getting home between 4 and 8 in the morning. Todd was working construction driving a dump truck and was working 12 to 15 hour shifts. Many mornings I was calling him, and telling him I was 5 minutes from home and it was ok for him to leave. Our kids were still little. My youngest was barely a year old. I slept when he took naps....sometimes not at all. I left for work after I put everyone to bed. I look back at those times and in some ways now seems much easier. Ok I don't know if I would say easier......different....but definitely not harder. I call it my survival mode. Back then I had little ones. Now everyone is in school, but I have more things I have to take care of. I'm still a mom....and a caregiver. I still have to make sure everyone is where they need to be. I still have doctor's appointments that I have to take Todd to. I still have to do everything I've been doing for the last year and a half and add work on top of it. Can I do it? Well, of course I can. This isn't why I've been feeling anxious. Am I going to miss getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night? You better believe it, but I'll deal with it. So what's with the little bit of anxiety I'm feeling? I worry about the hours I'll be gone before everyone is in bed for the night. I worry about Todd and our oldest son not getting along. (I'm usually the mediator). I worry about my two middle kids having way more responsibility dumped on them than they need or deserve right now. I worry about my youngest, having to get used to me not being there every night. I worry about Todd deciding he needs to go to the store for something and him not being awake/alert enough to be driving. I worry that something will happen that might be too hard for the kids to handle. This is all just part of my world right now, and stuff I don't need to worry about 90% of the time. Everything is still up in the air. I don't know what Todd's health is going to be like in a month or 3 months or a year. So the reality is, my worrying is a little bit silly....for the most part. But that 10% of the time is why I'm a little anxious. I'm hoping that the transition back to work goes smoothly, and, I think it will be. I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It's not my favorite place, but it came up right when I needed it, and I just have to see how it goes.
Like I said, being a working mom isn't new to me. Over all I've really enjoyed being home. Yes, we've had a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, frustrations, tears, arguments. It's been crazy and fun and frustrating. We've had some really good moments and some that I would rather not relive. If I'm being honest, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for good. The reality is, I probably never will be again, and I would probably go a little bit nuts. I need to have something I'm doing that gets me out of my house for a while. Adjustments.....it's part of life. It might be a rough first month, but here goes nothing...
So here I am, going back to my job that I left a year and a half ago. I'm going back to the same schedule I worked when I left. I'm going back to late nights and little sleep. (although summer is almost here so I'll have a little relief). None of this is new. When I first started this job, I was working 6-10 hour shifts 5 days a week (I started right at a busy time). I was getting home between 4 and 8 in the morning. Todd was working construction driving a dump truck and was working 12 to 15 hour shifts. Many mornings I was calling him, and telling him I was 5 minutes from home and it was ok for him to leave. Our kids were still little. My youngest was barely a year old. I slept when he took naps....sometimes not at all. I left for work after I put everyone to bed. I look back at those times and in some ways now seems much easier. Ok I don't know if I would say easier......different....but definitely not harder. I call it my survival mode. Back then I had little ones. Now everyone is in school, but I have more things I have to take care of. I'm still a mom....and a caregiver. I still have to make sure everyone is where they need to be. I still have doctor's appointments that I have to take Todd to. I still have to do everything I've been doing for the last year and a half and add work on top of it. Can I do it? Well, of course I can. This isn't why I've been feeling anxious. Am I going to miss getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night? You better believe it, but I'll deal with it. So what's with the little bit of anxiety I'm feeling? I worry about the hours I'll be gone before everyone is in bed for the night. I worry about Todd and our oldest son not getting along. (I'm usually the mediator). I worry about my two middle kids having way more responsibility dumped on them than they need or deserve right now. I worry about my youngest, having to get used to me not being there every night. I worry about Todd deciding he needs to go to the store for something and him not being awake/alert enough to be driving. I worry that something will happen that might be too hard for the kids to handle. This is all just part of my world right now, and stuff I don't need to worry about 90% of the time. Everything is still up in the air. I don't know what Todd's health is going to be like in a month or 3 months or a year. So the reality is, my worrying is a little bit silly....for the most part. But that 10% of the time is why I'm a little anxious. I'm hoping that the transition back to work goes smoothly, and, I think it will be. I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It's not my favorite place, but it came up right when I needed it, and I just have to see how it goes.
Like I said, being a working mom isn't new to me. Over all I've really enjoyed being home. Yes, we've had a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, frustrations, tears, arguments. It's been crazy and fun and frustrating. We've had some really good moments and some that I would rather not relive. If I'm being honest, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for good. The reality is, I probably never will be again, and I would probably go a little bit nuts. I need to have something I'm doing that gets me out of my house for a while. Adjustments.....it's part of life. It might be a rough first month, but here goes nothing...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
I Decided to Get Rid of My Scale
Two things. 1. I know absolutely nothing about anything and 2. I write, because I'm constantly learning things about myself. It may seem like I'm a little nuts sometimes....I probably am. All of this is a process, it's why I started this blog. When something happens in my life I think through it. I go for drives, talk to myself (maybe I shouldn't admit that), write it down, discuss it with whoever wants to pretend they are interested. In short, I HAVE to be able to figure things out myself for me to really understand why things happen. It's how I look at things, process things, and come to conclusions. So, there's no rhyme or reason to my blog posts, it's kind of what I'm going through or feeling when I write. This is all just me and I still find it interesting that people read along, and I'm glad that you do. So thank you for all the input, love and support. :o)
How many women (I guess I could include men too, I don't know how many of them read my posts) out there drive themselves crazy stepping on a scale just to see that number, if it's gone up or down...stayed the same....Once a month, once a week....every day? Why? This is actually a question I asked myself this week, because my number one reason for changing my lifestyle....by working out and eating better, was to decrease my stress level. Yes I want to lose weight, yes I want to be healthier. Why do I have to have to step on a scale and look at a number to tell me that what I'm doing is working? It is absolutely ridiculous, it stresses me out, and heaven forbid I don't lose enough or anything at all....then I'm depressed and pissed off at myself. What am I accomplishing by putting myself through that craziness? Nothing. So I got rid of the scale. OK I stuck it in a closet.....out of sight, out of mind. Because here's the reality. I'm working out 6 days a week....and during those work outs, my heart rate is up, I'm sweating, and I'm working my tail end off. (literally). On top of that a few days a week I walk and jog....ok it's probably more of a fast walk, I'm a pathetic runner....but still I'm getting it done. The weight isn't dropping off like I feel like it should be. Maybe I still have too much stress, maybe I've yo-yo dieted so many times my body hates me and isn't going to let anything go until I prove that I'm serious, maybe I'm not eating enough calories or too many calories, maybe it's just because I'm not 18 anymore and my metabolism sucks. Whatever the reason I'm not quitting. I've said it before, I like working out, but I'm going to rely on how I feel and how I look instead of stepping on a scale and looking at a number to track my progress. Right now I feel really good, and I want to continue feeling really good.
If you're working out and changing your life....Kudos! Keep up the good work. I need to go back and add a few more songs to my play list. For me, music and life go hand in hand. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves, find music that inspires you and gets you moving. Workout and then listen to something that makes you want to dance around your house. It's a great mood lifter and for me....a great way to start my day. Enjoy life.....and throw the scale away! ;o)
How many women (I guess I could include men too, I don't know how many of them read my posts) out there drive themselves crazy stepping on a scale just to see that number, if it's gone up or down...stayed the same....Once a month, once a week....every day? Why? This is actually a question I asked myself this week, because my number one reason for changing my lifestyle....by working out and eating better, was to decrease my stress level. Yes I want to lose weight, yes I want to be healthier. Why do I have to have to step on a scale and look at a number to tell me that what I'm doing is working? It is absolutely ridiculous, it stresses me out, and heaven forbid I don't lose enough or anything at all....then I'm depressed and pissed off at myself. What am I accomplishing by putting myself through that craziness? Nothing. So I got rid of the scale. OK I stuck it in a closet.....out of sight, out of mind. Because here's the reality. I'm working out 6 days a week....and during those work outs, my heart rate is up, I'm sweating, and I'm working my tail end off. (literally). On top of that a few days a week I walk and jog....ok it's probably more of a fast walk, I'm a pathetic runner....but still I'm getting it done. The weight isn't dropping off like I feel like it should be. Maybe I still have too much stress, maybe I've yo-yo dieted so many times my body hates me and isn't going to let anything go until I prove that I'm serious, maybe I'm not eating enough calories or too many calories, maybe it's just because I'm not 18 anymore and my metabolism sucks. Whatever the reason I'm not quitting. I've said it before, I like working out, but I'm going to rely on how I feel and how I look instead of stepping on a scale and looking at a number to track my progress. Right now I feel really good, and I want to continue feeling really good.
If you're working out and changing your life....Kudos! Keep up the good work. I need to go back and add a few more songs to my play list. For me, music and life go hand in hand. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves, find music that inspires you and gets you moving. Workout and then listen to something that makes you want to dance around your house. It's a great mood lifter and for me....a great way to start my day. Enjoy life.....and throw the scale away! ;o)
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