I've Learned to Accept Being Different...

I'm very much an introvert.  I like being at home. As much as the Leo side of me thinks going out somewhere that  I would have to mingle, and get to know people would be fun, the real me....the introvert me hates these things.   I've always had a hard time fitting in.  Growing up a Mormon in New Jersey, and being shy....was really tough sometimes.  I felt like I was the "weird kid".   I never knew what to say, when I was at a friends house for the first time and I was offered iced tea to drink.....because everyone in New Jersey has iced tea in their fridge.  "No thank you, I can't drink that."  "Why?"  "I just can't....it's against my religion.".  "Why?" ......I have no idea, I'm 8 and this is what I've been taught.  Why this particular thing sticks in my head, I have no idea, but it had to have been one that was slightly traumatic for me.  I hated having to say I couldn't have something or do something because my religion didn't allow it.  I wanted to avoid talking about my religion growing up, so I avoided people.  I didn't want anyone asking me about Mormons, I didn't want to be a missionary.  I didn't really understand what was so different about my religion from any other anyway.   So, I always sat on the outside, and I stayed in my comfort zone. I didn't go to parties or hang out with anyone as I got older, after school.  It was so silly, that I let this one thing control my life.  When I moved to Utah, I thought.....well, maybe I will finally feel like I fit in....you know because Utah is full of Mormons and I'm a Mormon....so that's a similarity.  I won't have to answer questions about my religion, because everybody is a Mormon here. (That's totally not true by the way).   I came to Utah to go to college two years before my family decided to move here.  I was surrounded by people who were just like me.....not really.....and I felt completely....out of place.  Moving to Utah, was a shock to my system.  I have to go to church with the people I live next door to, and every person on the same street and in the same area?  I know it's a weird thing for me to have a hard time with....but I had a hard time with that.  After moving here I started going to church only occasionally.  When I was 21, I was sitting in church singing a hymn, and knew I needed to go on a mission.  The feeling was so strong that I had tears running down my cheeks.   I went in to talk to my bishop at the time, who told me I needed to go home and pray a little harder about it.   I walked out of his office so discouraged... Why was he advising me to pray harder, I already had my answer?  I never went back to his office, I retreated back to my comfort zone, only went to church once in awhile.....and a couple of years later I married my husband.



 The one thing I love about Utah, is the mountains.  Nothing for me is more relaxing than driving through them and taking in their beauty.

I've learned over the years, that I don't have to be in a building on a Sunday to know God loves me, and to feel his love for me.  All I need is a sense of peace.  Yes I feel that at church, but I also feel it here, and most times more strongly.  I felt very much alone after moving here.  More alone than I had ever felt in my life.  I was still the "weird kid",  because I was from out of state, except now I was an adult, and......I don't know,  I just felt like I didn't belong.   When I still lived at home, I would sit on the front steps or look out of  the front window, and I could see across the
valley.  I had a perfect view of this mountain.  I loved looking out at it, something about it spoke to me. I guess it was the fact that all around me are mountains, the peaks all rising next to each other.  This mountain has one peak all by itself.  It is my favorite.  That peak, is me.  It has meant different things to me over the years.  At the beginning I identified it as being lonely.  I didn't know where to fit, so I kept to myself.  I was afraid of venturing out of my comfort zone. Now when I drive past it as I'm going to work, I identify it as strength.  I have been on what has felt like a very long journey. Everything I have been through has made me who I am today. The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am still standing and stronger than I've ever been.  I live in a great neighborhood, that is probably 99% Mormon (Ok I don't know the actual numbers), and I'm married to a man who is an alcoholic, who smokes.  I don't attend church very often, but my kids do.  I don't really want to,  and over the years sometimes that has made things a little challenging.  I've dealt with ignorance and I've felt acceptance.  I don't want to go to church for 3 weeks in a row, and have the Bishop call me into his office and ask me to be a teacher...or cub scout leader...or (heaven forbid) have to be in the nursery.  If I go, I just want to enjoy being there. I'm kind of lazy and selfish like that. I like my religion....I like how simple it is, but I have no desire what so ever to have a calling, and I don't always agree with everything we are taught.  I also get a little irritated when people assume I've forgotten everything I have ever learned....just because I haven't been to church in a few years.  I'm old and my memory is bad....but come on, it's not that bad. Maybe in the future I will change once again.  I still have a hard time discussing religion, I still avoid it.....I still don't want to be a missionary.  However I will talk about spirituality, and feeling a peace in my life, that makes me happy.  Right now I like discovering who I am.  I am different, I can accept that......and I'm not sure I would have it any other way.

Sixteen Years of Marriage...

I've been in a really bad mood for a few weeks now.  The kind of mood where I don't really want to talk to anyone so I'm avoiding people.  At the moment my phone is almost dead and I'm seriously debating on whether I want to plug it in to charge it or not.  I've been trying desperately to pull myself out of this mood.  It's mostly due to the fact that I've been eating really crappy, and haven't been exercising consistently, and I'm fairly certain my hormones are out of whack.  I know how to fix it.....I'm just having a hard time getting myself there.  I'll get there.....eventually.  In the mean time, it is our anniversary.  We haven't celebrated this day in years....I'm not actually sure how many, but it's been a really long time.  For a long time I avoided this day, but this year I'm in a different place, so I thought I would go through pictures and see how much we have changed over the years.  I'm not sure that we will do anything, but we will at least acknowledge the existence of it this year. 

It all started with a blind date on February 22, 1997.  Todd had a 2yr old son who I loved from the beginning.



We got married February 21, 1998, and became an instant family with 2 little boys. Life was not perfect, or even close to it, but we started our family, and we did what we could.  Life was pretty crazy with 2 kids under the age of  3, and I thought... What could we do to make it even crazier? After only being married for a year and a half we had 3 kids.  Three of my greatest treasures. 






In April of 2000 we made things official, and I adopted our oldest, I don't regret that decision, even for a second.  It was one of my happiest days.





2004, we added #4 to our family....Another one of my greatest treasures, and our family was complete.  As I was going through 17 years worth of pictures, I realized that we really don't have a lot of pictures together.  That's mostly because I hate getting my picture taken, and partly because I didn't care.  There were a lot of things I didn't want to remember, and as long as we had pictures of the kids, I was fine with that. I've started taking more lately, just because....we need them. 





3 out of  4 of our kids are taller than me now, one has moved out and is on his own.  We hear from him once in a while. The others are growing up fast, and it's hard to believe sometimes, just how fast the time has flown by. 

Seventeen years together.  Sixteen years married, and we have finally gotten to a place, where we are ok with each other.   We have been through Hell and back more than a couple of times, and we have survived.   We are not the same people we were when we met. 

We have loved each other, and hurt each other.  Argued, and argued....and argued.  And we have grown up, and changed sometimes for the worse at first, but in the end for the better. 

We are a little bit older, and a little bit wiser.  I didn't wear my wedding ring for a few years.  I didn't want it there, it didn't feel right.  Forgiveness and letting go of the past, means wearing that ring, feels right again.  We still have some frustrating days, because after all we are not perfect. but we have learned to work together a little bit better.  It is never too late, to try and get it right.  Our love is different now, but there is love there, and I'm glad we have had the chance to forgive and let go of the past, so we can live in the present.