"When looking back doesn't interest you anymore, you're doing something right."
I posted this quote on my Fb page, but only after I read it, stared out the window, and thought about it for a few minutes. I realized, I've finally made it here. I certainly didn't wake up one day and say, I'm only moving forward, I'm not looking back anymore, I've forgiven the past and I'm done. HA! I wish it was that easy. I wish there weren't things from the past, that come out of nowhere and still manage to hurt me, although not so much anymore. It's taken years of pain and what I thought was forgiveness, only to realize I was nowhere near wanting to forgive, finding balance, only to have it thrown out of whack. Patience and tears, arguments, frustration, love, hate, acceptance and happiness. Most importantly finally being able to leave those moments in the past where they belong.
So one day after being encouraged to explore another way to try and be creative, I sat down and I let these words just flow. It was like they truly jut needed to come out. I needed to write them down and look at them and feel and understand them.
She sits in the dark, at the top of the stairs
Uncontrollable sobs, tears that won't stop
She's tired
This is not the life she wanted, but the life she chose
Her stubborn pride keeps her here
Her pain and secrets are hers alone
Rocking back and forth, staring at the ceiling, she pleads for help
Feeling defeated, broken, afraid
Wondering if she still loves him
Did she ever?
Most days she hides behind a smile
Can anyone see that it doesn't quite reach her eyes?
Do they care?
She doesn't understand that this moment is one of many that will not break her completely
It is one that will help her become her future self
She won't see that for years
Right now...she is tired
She sits in the dark, at the top of the stairs
No more tears, she's done crying tonight
She sits in silence, not thinking just listening
She hears only the quiet of the night, before picking herself up
And starting again.
This isn't just a representation of how I felt many times over the years, but also an actual moment in my life. I wrote this and then sat and cried, because every feeling I had on that night, came crashing over me. Alone, scared, angry, no one to talk to, because I couldn't admit...wouldn't admit what I was going through. Every feeling I had that night, came from years of hiding...everything. Psychological/ emotional abuse is easy to hide, if you know how to smile right.
This is also where I know I've turned a massive corner. I needed to confront that night. I needed to face all the ugliness of the past and stop calling myself stupid for the decisions I made. Yes, my life could have gone in a completely different direction, if I had just made other choices, but I didn't, and living in the past doesn't work for me anymore. Saying "if only" and "if I just would have" ...doesn't work for me anymore. I am fully in the present, doing what I need to do to have a healthy future. My kids love their dad...and so they should. The memories they form now are important. Letting them have this time is important. Life is different, it's by no means easier, but, it's different. And even though I have frustrating days, as a caregiver, I'm actually doing really well. My scars are part of my past, they are part of me. I am who I am because of everything I've been through. And every moment I have that puts a genuine smile on my face, heals those scars a little more. I had a lot of days, months possibly years, where I don't really remember laughing or really genuinely smiling. Maybe I did, I just have no specific memories, other than loving my kids and doing my best to raise them. So to say I'm happy now, to say I have no interest in looking back is a pretty big thing. A really...good...thing. :o)
