Contemplating Life...

It's been an odd week.  There's been a lot of tension in the air. My husband has been struggling with wanting to be able to do things and not being able to do those things because of his limitations.  Limitations he doesn't see, and it causes a lot of arguments. It's tiring...I hate that we have the same arguments every day, and I've started just having to walk away.  He's had a couple of "temper tantrums" this week. I don't want to treat him like a child but when he's acting like one it's so hard not to.  Because I've been struggling a little bit lately with everything that is going on, I've been spending a lot of time alone and thinking a lot about life and why things happen. I've had a couple of great conversations with friends of mine this week.  One had to do with God's love for us.  I'm not going to get preachy...this is just how I feel.  I haven't been to church in years but it doesn't mean I don't believe or have faith.  Over the years I've had times when I was incredibly angry with God completely ignoring that he was there for me...times I sat at the top of my stairs in the middle of the night...sobbing and pleading for help...an answer...anything. And times I've thanked Him over and over for the good things in my life, the blessings.  The one thing that has never been unshakable is God's love for me.  I may be incredibly stubborn but the one thing I do understand is that this life is a test.  We are here to grow...to learn...too make mistakes. Life happens. God will love me no matter what.

The second conversation...well question really, was.....What do you think you are supposed to learn in this life?  I don't know the answer to this one.  I think it changes over the course of our lives.  Right now one thing I think, might be compassion.  but that I don't even know, because I wouldn't be here taking care of a man that I've had some really tough times with if I didn't have a little bit of compassion.  Patience...sympathy...empathy.  I just don't know.  I know that everyday is a little bit different...and it's hard.  I know I'm not always compassionate or sympathetic.  I know I have a lot of days that I question everything. Forgiveness....definitely.  That's by far one of my bigger challenges...because I don't know if I want to forgive him for everything yet, but I don't want to carry around the pain and anger anymore either.  It's the letting go and being completely ok with it, that's the hard part.  I think the biggest one though would be learning to love myself. Because truth is, right now I don't. I've never been comfortable in my own skin. I've never liked the way I looked. But it seems a little stupid to think this is something I need to learn.  I guess the only way I can answer this is there is always something that we learn through our trials.  And there is absolutely something I need to learn....or discover during this time. Maybe one day I'll have that a-ha moment where it is completely clear to me...but right now I don't know for sure.

The last thing I've asked myself....What is my purpose here?  I would say I really haven't done much with my life to this point.  Nothing great or wonderful. I have no clue what my talents are.  I know I do things well...but would I call them talents...not really. I know it's easy for me to see the potential in other people.  To recognize their strengths. I just can't see it in myself. I think this is how it is for a lot of people.  We don't always see in ourselves our true potential.  I would say a lot of it has to do with confidence. I just want to feel like I've contributed to society...that I've done something worthwhile in my life.  I want to go back to school, but I don't know what I want to do for sure.  All I've known for 14 years is being a wife and mother...and working jobs to make ends meet.  I want a career...and I want it to be something I love. So I'm figuring out my purpose...as I figure out what I need to learn...and I trust in God to help me through this.