A Little Bump in the Road

The one thing I'm slowly learning about my life, is that I should never become too comfortable. Inevitably when I do life decides to flip me upside down, slap me around a little and dump me on my ass.  I don't know why my life is like this.  I wish I could say I had a perfect loving marriage to a man that takes care of me.  My siblings don't realize just how jealous I am of them.  I don't write about it for attention because I could really care less what people think of me.  I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.  I write because for me to stay sane I need to get this all out of my head.  And as weird as this sounds, for me to truly find myself...I needed to go on this journey.  Although I can't say for sure, I probably would have had challenges, trials no matter who I was married to. Even though I don't know for sure what my purpose is here, I'm sure I'm on the right road. 

I knew it was a possibility that Todd could be taken off of Hospice.  He isn't going to get better, but he has plateaued, he isn't getting any worse.  His blood work is just above where it needs to be to continue.  Last week when it went from possibility to reality I had a little breakdown.  I crumbled...I couldn't think, my world stopped for a moment.  I sat and cried.  Because all that was going through my head at that moment was...How am I going to do this?  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to hear that things were going to be OK.  I didn't want to hear I would be fine.  Because at that moment NOTHING was OK and I was NOT going to be fine.  So I went for a drive (if you haven't noticed I do this a lot).  However this was not one of those times I worked it all out in a couple of hours and felt better.  I just needed to get away from my house, from everyone.  For two days I cried, I slept like crap and I worried about what I do now.  Everything is so up in the air.  There is no time frame.  I don't know how long he will be off of Hospice.  I need to find a job, because we will have to start doctors appointments again.  And my biggest worry....dealing with Todd.  I'm losing my back up....when I have the arguments about him driving (which happen everyday), I will have no one to turn to, to say please help me out here. He is already making his plans to fix his van so he can drive again, because, "I AM driving again."  Heaven help me.  I apologize to any one in my neighborhood who is going to hear the arguing in advance.  I don't know how I get a full time job without...A. leaving Todd alone for too many hours (as I walked in the kitchen this morning after he made himself pancakes and he was busy eating in the bedroom, only to find the stove and oven still on).  and B. Putting more responsibility on my kids than they deserve right now.  It's hard enough for me to take care of Todd, I don't want to put that on them. 

You're expecting me to say now that I figured all of this out.  Well no... I haven't.  This is what I learned about myself this last week.  The more I go through, the stronger I become.  There are times I would love to curl up in a ball and disappear.  I would love to say I prefer to be weak right now, because I don't want to deal with all this shit.  I don't get that choice. Years ago if something like this were to happen it would probably have thrown me into a funk for months maybe years.  Now after a couple of days (I know this kind of sounds silly), my inner strength kicks in.  My brain...body...soul....says get up off of your ass and do something.  I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do know I will figure something out.  We have hit a bump...OK it's not so little it's more of an average to large size bump, but still possible to get over...and we will.