Every few months Todd has to have an EGD (Esophagogastroduodenoscopy)....a procedure to examine his esophagus to see if he has any varices, which can be life threatening. Today was that day for him. We were up early for a 7am time that he needed to be there, me being a little short tempered as always because no matter what I do I can't seem to get him out of the door when we need to. As we were sitting in the waiting room for them to call him back, a cute little old couple came in, probably about in their 80's. They sat down near us, next to each other, holding hands. I could see out of the corner of my eye the man was watching Todd and I....we were sitting across from each other, not really talking while I filled out all of the paperwork that comes with being at these appointments. In a whisper loud enough for his wife to hear (and me who happened to overhear) the man said, "Mary?" She said, "Hmm" Then he said, "You are a wonderful wife......and you are my very best friend." Now for reasons I'm not sharing with the class, my emotions have been right on the surface for the last few days, so cue the tears, and me not being able to control them as they ran down my cheeks. Then Todd noticing....and just looking at me suddenly concerned and worried asking me what was wrong. All I could do was shake my head and say, "nothing". Then me frantically trying to stop the tears....because Hello....I'm sitting in the middle of a waiting room, and I'm starting to feel really stupid for having this reaction. A couple of days ago Todd had to have an Ultrasound on his legs. As we were walking, being escorted by a nice little old lady showing us where to go, I was holding on to Todd's arm. He was a little unsteady on his feet and his legs were hurting. The woman walking with us turned to me when we stopped so Todd could use the drinking fountain, and said, "He's very lucky to have you." And me being the smart alec that I am said, "I don't know, I'm sure most days he would disagree." and she said, "Oh....I don't think so." I just smiled, because truthfully I'm not always that great, and looking back I should have been pushing him in a wheelchair, if only I would have known how far it was to walk.
For so long I was fighting with my feelings....my anger. I could see the changes that were happening in him and quite frankly I was so angry I didn't care. After all, it is his fault that he got sick....his alcoholism made him sick. My heart was hardened, I didn't want to feel anything. Because feeling meant I cared....and I didn't want to care. Why should I care about someone who I felt ignored me for a big chunk of our marriage? Someone who wasn't there for me when I really needed him, but now expects me to be there for him when he needs me. There are a lot of people in this world that would have walked away a long time ago. I mean really I put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Todd isn't the same man now that I married, and I'm not the same person he married. Personality wise...yes. But we've both grown and found ourselves and changed. Todd still has his sense of humor, and is still quick with a come back. But he's older....in his body and mind. He has a hard time remembering things. A couple of days ago he texted me and asked where the heck I was. It was 8:00 at night.....I was at work. He had just woken up from a 4 hour nap and thought it was morning....totally confused and thrown for a little bit. He sleeps so much now, his body is so worn out. This disease is slowly....painfully taking away his life, and all his doctor can do right now is try to slow down the progression of it, while trying to keep him encouraged. I'm still angry about this disease, it's really hard not to be. However, I'm letting my heart feel again. I hold his hand when he needs his hand held. I sit with him when I know he's feeling scared and alone. And I cry when I over hear conversations like today, because I know I'm Todd's best friend, and I haven't been a very good one. It's time to let the anger go, it's time to let my heart feel all the things I've been avoiding. It's time that I stop feeling sorry for myself and start helping Todd through this. It's time to start caring again.
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