First of all if you like following along, I apologize for the lack of posts lately. Going back to work nights, combined with summer means I've been one busy mom. The kids are back to school this week and today for the first time in it feels like forever I have a few hours to myself, so I thought I would share what I've been thinking about.
I've had this post in my head for a few weeks now. I'm a person that does not enjoy reading self help books. Not because I don't think the people writing them have good points, but because I'm a person that likes to explore my own mind, figure out things for myself. I like looking at things from different angles and talking things out. I think everyone has their own story. What works for me, won't necessarily work for you. Our minds are amazing and complex, and I want to be able to explore that on my own, without having someone tell me what I need to do to be happy. That's just me though. I do however love reading books that make me think about life. I like books that relate to me, where I am right now in my life. I have a job that I can sit and listen to whatever I want for 8 hours a night, so I listen to books. Every once in awhile I come across books that stay with me. I happened to have 2 in the same week. "The Mermaid Chair" by Sue Monk Kidd and "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. I loved both and started thinking about this post shortly after finishing them.
Balance....mind, body and soul. They all work together. If one of these is off or out of balance, we don't feel so great. I don't know if this is a common sense thing for everyone, but it is for me. If our lives are in balance we can certainly handle things a little better. Right? I think so. The hard part.....well... figuring out how to get there. I can tell you from my own experience that I was off balance for a very long time, pretty much my whole life. I was always (maybe not always) a person that put a smile on my face for the world, when on the inside I was miserable. Overweight, unhappy, and I thought very little about myself. I stopped going to church a long time ago, because I didn't want anything to do with being spiritual or religious. In short, I didn't care about much, I felt sorry for myself, because my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to go....and of course that wasn't my fault. Yea...right. I guess one day I realized that I'm just not the same person I used to be. I've had experiences that have truly changed me, that have made me stop and think about who I am and that have made me question so many things about myself. So I have to be honest when I say I didn't know that my life was in balance until one day I realized, even with everything going on around me, I could say that I was happy. I am happy. How did I do it? It wasn't something that I said... I want to do this...I'm going to set goals and I'm really going to focus on changing myself. I don't work like that. This is why I say it is different for everyone. You have to be willing to change. You have to understand that it isn't easy. You have to be willing and find a way to confront all the things that hurt you, that cause you pain and sadness....counseling, talking with friends, praying, medication, meditation....there are so many ways...but when you confront those things you have to be ready to find ways to deal with them. If something in your life is making you unhappy you have to either let it go, or find a way make it work. So mind, body and soul. Where did I start? My body.....One day I decided I wanted to be around to see not just my kids grow up but hopefully grandchildren. I woke up to the damage I was doing to myself physically and knew I had to change something. So I did. This one actually came last, because I only started working on it in the last 6 months or so. I'm down almost 60 pounds and I'm not dieting. I honestly just changed what I eat, started exercising and got a little help from my doctor. I'm doing this for myself. I want to feel good, and I do. My mind.... was somewhere in the middle, and that has been my journey I guess through writing. I didn't start my blog to accomplish anything. I did it because I needed to vent. I was sitting at home taking care of a husband that drove me crazy when he wasn't sick, I felt like I was going insane (and I probably was), and I needed a release. Through writing I discovered so much more about myself and it truly surprised me. I began a very hard, sometimes very painful journey. It wasn't planned, but as I started looking at things differently it ended up being a natural progression. I knew in my heart I had to make peace with things. There were many tears. There was overwhelming heartache. Sadness, and self discovery. Forgiveness, and closure. There are still things I'm working on, because life still goes on around me. My soul....where I was hurting the most....was first. I did very little in the beginning. Little prayers here and there pleading for help, because I was so tired, I had so many things hitting me from all sides and it was all I could do to try and keep my head above water, while life was threatening to pull me under and drown me. I started taking drives by myself. Usually because I was angry, and slowly I would focus, I would turn my radio off and I say I talk to myself, but really I was talking to God. I would go through everything I was feeling and I would slowly figure out how to solve problems. And even though I would leave on these drives so angry I couldn't see straight, I came home feeling better, renewed with a sense of hope. My soul, my spirituality has progressed over the last couple of years. Mind, body, and soul working together as one gives me an inner strength and happiness I've never known. Each one reinforcing the strength of the others. Is it is easy? No. I am constantly working to stay balanced, my arms outstretched like I'm walking on a beam. Is my life perfect? Far from it. I still have trials, I still have stress, I still have frustrations and worry about finances and getting bills paid. I have to put aside every want to take care of the needs of my family. This is called life, and right now this is how my life is. The day I discovered and understood that all three were working as one happened a couple of weeks ago, when my 18yr old decided to come home at 4am, so drunk he couldn't stand. After 5 minutes of me starting to lose it and him throwing up on my living room floor, I walked to my room, picked up the phone and called the police to come take him away. Yes I sent him to jail. Living with an alcoholic husband for years, means I have very low tolerance for this now. When he called me a couple of hours later begging me to bail him out, I said "No...I love you" and hung up the phone. He stayed a full day until he was released. When I talked to him the next day, I explained to him why I did it. Why this one thing, was the most disappointed I've ever been with him and how much he hurt me. This single act brought back a tidal wave of memories and pain crashing over me, that I'd already made peace with. I decided at that moment it was not going to drag me under, and it didn't. Life went on that day, and even though I was upset with my son for doing this, I could honestly say that I was OK. Yes, balance equals happiness....inner peace....strength. It helps me to focus and fight the hard battles and gives me hope for the future, and I am constantly working to keep my mind, body and soul working as one.
No comments:
Post a Comment