One thing that you may or may not know about me...depending on how well you know me or how many of my posts you've read...is that when life starts throwing too many things at me, good or bad, I get really overwhelmed. Like...shut myself in my room, curl up in a ball, ignore everyone...overwhelmed. Usually only for maybe a matter of hours...but still. My life is already a roller coaster ride....I've started to hate roller coasters. The last week and a half a few loops were added to it. Something good would happen...something would go wrong. This was seriously my what the Hell pattern for about a week and a half. Some really big things....some normal everyday things...some little things...but all combined together in this short amount of time? Not so good for me. I've been thrown into the position of "take care of everything person." To be honest, I like having control, but I HATE this. The man I married is still here.. Yes he is very sick, physically and mentally he is older than his actual age, his memory is bad, he can't drive or work anymore. He has days he's completely out of it and sleeps for hours and hours. I can't trust leaving our 10 yr old home alone with him for long periods of time. But...he is still here and he can still function. There are still things he can do...and I really get no help from him whatsoever. I haven't worn my wedding ring in a couple of months. It doesn't feel like anything is missing. I don't even feel like I'm married, and it's not fair.
So about a week and a half ago....and I'll try to sum it all up the best I can, because honestly I could probably write a book about everything that happened in this short amount of time... Our oldest son was contacted on FB by his older half sister whom he's never met. The last time he saw his "mother", was when he was 2. He has two older half siblings and two younger (that I know of) that he has never met. He has known about them, but none have tried to contact him until now. He's 19, so it's his choice, and I think it's completely freaked him out. He's not sure how to feel about all of this, and I'm sitting on the sidelines not knowing how to feel about all this either. I spent years being overprotective of him....maybe too overprotective and now I have to stand back and let him make this decision on his own. I have to be honest this sucks....like really sucks. I hate it. I didn't want this day to happen.
A couple of days later, I was finally offered a career position at work. This is a good thing...a very good thing. Like the best thing that has happened for me in a really long time. I now have really good benefits and peace of mind, and it is a huge relief...huge. The only downside, I don't have control of the hours I'm scheduled...don't care, that, I can deal with.
Just a few short hours and maybe 3 hours of sleep after I got this fantastic news, Todd and I got in THE worst argument we've ever had...ever. Starting an argument with me when I'm tired is a very bad thing. You're not going to win, and you may get locked out of the house and told to leave in a not very nice way. All I can say is this, it involved the car and driving, and I was called a name no woman should ever be called. In the end...I got the key to to car back that he has been hiding from me, he was allowed back in the house, and I will never...ever put that wedding ring back on my finger again. He told me I took his manhood away.... No...I was not the alcoholic. This is where we learn to take responsibility for our actions. Two hours later, I lost myself in some really loud music at a music festival with two of my kids, and it ended up being a good day.
In the next few days we ended up at the emergency room, because even though I don't want to be married to this man anymore, I am still his caregiver. Pneumonia again...because he can't quit smoking...add this to our routine. I also celebrated my birthday, part of the day with my kids part of the day alone.... Good day.
So these were all the big things. There was one other thing that I'm not talking about...it only concerns me...but combined with everyday life and a lot of little things...I shut down. Two nights ago I walked into my room, shut the door, curled up in a ball on my bed and cried....sobbed actually for at least three hours. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard, it's been years, and I needed it. One Xanax and 15 hours of sleep later, I woke up looking like Hell, but I got up and put my big girl pants on, because all of this is reality. Whether Todd is here or not, I'm still going to be the one dealing with everything. This is life right now...and I say this all the time...I either deal with it or I don't. So....I deal and life goes on.
This morning I had a dream, and I rarely remember my dreams, but I definitely believe they have deeper meanings to them. Basically my dream was this... It was me and three of my kids...Todd and our oldest son were not there. We were on a flat raft in the middle of these massive rapids. Waves and waterfalls all around us. We had to stay on this raft , every time we fell off we had to start over from the beginning. Try after try...fall after fall...starting over, again and again, until finally we made it to a wall...or a cliff. I don't really know what it was, I just know I had to climb it. I got to the top and laid down and closed my eyes...I remember just feeling absolute relief. When I opened them, I looked out at a beautful white beach with calm blue water. No waves, just still...calm...peaceful...water. Right before I woke up I heard my kids laughing and playing and saying, "Mom, we need to stay here for awhile." And me saying, "Yea, that's a really good idea." I woke up feeling pretty good about things. Interpret it how you want.. But I can sum it up in one word... Survivor...
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