Truth is.....

To say that it's been a Hell of a week would be a huge understatement.  It's been one of those weeks, that I question everything about my marriage. I've looked back at my life and wished I could change things..

Truth is...

...My husband screwed up royally and broke a promise he made to me years ago. 

...Addiction sucks...and it felt like it was too easy for him to throw everything away.

...Maybe I was looking for an excuse to say the words I've wanted to say for so many years.  Maybe I was waiting for him to screw up.

...I'm not innocent either....and when I unleashed all my anger on him, I told him I should have gotten on a plane 3 years ago when I had the chance.

...It's going to be a while before I trust anyone completely again.

...In my eyes my marriage is over, but honestly we haven't had a real husband/wife relationship....ever.

...I've always taken care of 80% of what goes on in this house....and I've hated it....but I'm used to it.  I've felt like a single parent for years. 

...I have a teenage son who is breaking my heart....who is making all the wrong decisions....and is following in his father's footsteps.

...I've given up for the most part on trying to parent him, because he doesn't want to listen to anyone. And because of that, he is currently sitting in the Juvenile detention center.

...I'm OK with it, because at least I know where he is.  And because of that I feel like the worst parent in the world and I've failed miserably.

...I feel cheated because I should be talking to my son about graduation and what  he's planning on doing next year....and instead I'm going to court with him.

...None of this is anything new, It's been stuff that has been going on for a while.  Sometimes, it just hurts more than other times.

...I don't regret for a second adopting him.

...I have a hard time making decisions, which is why I never graduated from college. I would much rather have someone decide things for me.

...I hate hurting people. I think about other people's feelings maybe too much.  I avoid confrontations.

...I'm incredibly stubborn, I hate asking for help, unless it's something I absolutely can't do.  I like knowing I can do things myself.  I like knowing I can handle it. There have been only a few times I've been so overwhelmed that I let people do things for me.

...I'm really easy going and I love having deep conversations about life and death and what goes on in our heads.

...I don't smile 24/7....but I'm not miserable 24/7 either.

...I don't know why people tell me I'm amazing.....I'm not functioning or doing anything out of the ordinary.  I'm just living this crazy life that I walked into, and even though there are days that are really hard, for the most part it's not that bad.

...I love music...it can change my mood. I even love going to Junior high concerts that my kids have been in.  Even when they sound awful it still can bring tears to my eyes. I love to sing....I sing with my kids all the time. 

...I love to laugh and I make sure I laugh with my kids often...another great mood changer.  My kids are goofy and dorky and sometimes a little nuts...and I love it.  You haven't experienced life until you're driving down the freeway, the "Gangnam style" song comes on the radio the sound gets turned up....and all the kids start doing the gangnam style dance....while all the people in the cars near you are looking at you like you're crazy.  These moments are the ones I live for.

...I'm doing OK....better than OK.  I finally feel like I've said the things I've been feeling for too long. I'm OK with things for the most part... the rest will come with time.

...I'm a different person than I was 15 1/2 years ago... I know who I am...

...You can laugh...you can cry...or you can get angry.  I would much rather be laughing than crying. I would much rather be living my life than sulking and feeling sorry for myself. 

Truth is....life is going to be different from here on out....and that's not necessarily a bad thing.