I'm getting the feeling that this is a hard concept for people to grasp. I have amazing friends and family who I know are worried about me. I know they care about me so much they just want me to be happy and not have to deal with all this crap anymore. And I love ALL of them for it. But I need people to listen to me, to hear me, to believe me. I'm not blowing smoke, when I say I am genuinely happy. Yes, I have a teenage son, who learned yesterday that this mom is not taking or putting up with his crap anymore. If he has to spend every other week at the detention center, so be it. It's time for him to take responsibility for his actions. Yes I have a husband who I told I want a divorce because I'm done in every way. But I'm not looking for pity or for anyone to feel bad for me or advice on what I should or should not do. Are you kidding? Be happy for me. I just took over my life, I finally got strong enough to be in charge, to have a voice, to take complete control . Jump for joy.
Truth is....
... I mourned the death of my marriage, years ago. I kept things hidden because my stubborn pride kept me from talking about divorce. There were a lot of people from the beginning who knew that this was going to happen. I wanted in every way to prove them all wrong. And dammit I tried to stick it out.
... Todd and I married to each other are toxic.....me removing myself from everything and only having responsibility for myself and my children, means we can still be friends. We've actually been best friends our whole marriage....more than being an actual married couple. Deciding that being friends is the better choice, has helped in many ways.
... I don't know that I've ever been "in love" with Todd.... I know I fell in love with another man 3years ago. I know that when that ended it was harder to deal with than my marriage falling apart. I still wish everyday when I wake up in the morning it will be the day that I get a message that says "Hey what are you doing?" I miss talking to him and laughing with him, so much some days it hurts. Do I think that will happen? The chances are pretty slim. But as much as I want to hear from him.....I don't need to hear from him to keep moving. I'm not at a stand still.
... I'm going to get on with my life....I really would like to remember what sex is like. (Sorry just being real).
... Yes Todd can be an absolute Ass....I've called him this on many...many occasions. But believe me when I tell you that I've had my moments when I've been a first class Bitch. And the select few who have witnessed this would agree with me. Not my most attractive quality and thankfully it doesn't surface very often. All I'm saying is we all have faults and I'm learning (very slowly) to stop judging.
... I have to thank Todd. All the challenges we have faced, all the crap we've been through, going through Hell and back multiple times, have helped me become the person I am today. I am glad I'm not that little girl afraid to step into the world and live my life. I have been knocked on my Ass over and over and over again...and I each time I get back up....because each time I'm a little bit stronger. You can be damn sure this girl isn't going down without a fight. Just ask my older brother who I used to have boxing matches with. Who would shake his head while I was on the ground asking me if I gave up....it wasn't ever over until the tears started. ( Just a sidenote....my dad brought boxing gloves home from the casino he worked at...we thought it was fun to have fake boxing matches. My brother is 3 years older than me and I can guarantee he never hit me very hard. ;o) )
... As sad as it was to have my Mother in Law pass away completely unexpectedly, I'm glad she went before her son. I'm hoping that her being on the other side helps when it's his time.
... I don't know where I'll be in another year or two or three or whenever. I'm kind of looking forward to the journey. New experiences, new lessons to be learned, new people to meet.
... I love being surrounded by positive energy. I have amazing people in my life, and I appreciate every single one of them.
... I hate self help books....dvds....cd's...you name it. Anytime I've heard any of these people speak I think... "Well Duh"....to me this stuff is all common sense, and I never understand why people think it is so mind blowing. Don't ever offer me any self help...anything. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I do know I have a lot of common sense which I think helps me in a lot of ways. I knew my marriage was crap from the beginning. But I wanted a family...I wanted the happily ever after...and I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Just because I have common sense, doesn't mean I don't make stupid decisions.
... I still get angry, I don't let it take over my life. Get angry, get it out, get over it. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be miserable. I like smiling, I like helping people, and I like being happy.
... I'm thankful everyday for what I have. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my kitchen. I have 4 kids who mean the world to me. I have my health. I look around and know that things could be far worse. Yes life has been hard. It's how we deal with what we are given that makes all the difference in the world.
... I'm relieved, I feel empowered, I am in control, I am dealing with life the best most positive way that I can. I'm still going to have bad days....nobody has good days everyday...I'm not superhuman. And I'm.....Happy. Be happy for me. <3
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