Thanksgiving The Way We Needed It

We've had a rough year...in case you haven't noticed.  Our "normal" is ever changing, some days I just want things to stop so I can catch up a little.  I'm happy and I  can live with the choices I've made.  I'm ready to move forward, but that doesn't mean everyone else is.  I still have 4 kids, they still have a dad that is very sick....we are still figuring out how to make life "work" without making everyone miserable.  About a month ago I sat down with Todd and talked to him, it was maybe a week after we had a huge fight, where I told him I wanted a divorce.  I told him this year I wanted to have Thanksgiving here with just the kids.  I could have gone to my mom's house...but when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I want to walk away from life for a while,  I block myself off and shut people out.  Not because I don't feel loved but because it's my way of trying to deal with things.   The kids really didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to go anywhere, and Todd didn't have anywhere to go. So I decided, I was making Thanksgiving dinner, and I was going to give Todd a chance to have a good memory, to spend a good day with the kids, and take pictures, and have a day where I let things go. In the past year....yea it's only been a year.... I have gone from Todd being in the hospital and not knowing if he was even going to live to driving back and forth to a rehab facility that he was transferred to every day to becoming his caregiver, dealing with a 17 yr old son who decided this was the year for him to start getting into trouble, quitting my job, being in court with the 17 yr old more times than I care to think about, arguing and arguing and arguing, to finally just having enough, my mother-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly passing away and my in-laws picking now...the worst possible time to start a huge family feud. I needed to stop the world for a minute....a day...and let everyone just enjoy a moment, putting up my protective bubble and blocking out the crazy going on around us.  Todd and I can function as friends I get that no one understands this.  It's ok, because I do.  We aren't staying married, I'm not in love with him...and I have told him I'm moving on with my life. I'm honestly not expecting to start dating anytime soon (Ugh I really don't want to go through that phase of life again)....so having an ex husband living in my house albeit weird and not an ideal situation for me and not exactly what I want.....doesn't really bother me. Again I know people don't understand this....it's ok I do.  And again...just because I'm ready to move on doesn't mean anyone else is. Is it worth hurting my kids and even Todd to kick him out and have to drive kids back and forth to see him.  Knowing he's sick....knowing things could change with his health any given time.   Every situation is different...every marriage is different...In the grand scheme of things it really is easier to keep him here to have as much time as possible with his kids, because he can't take care of them by himself....he can barely take care of himself because he has relied on me to do everything for so long.  So today was a day to let everything go, I spent yesterday cooking all day, so all I had to do today was put the turkey in the oven and then warm everything up.  It was a nice....relaxing....low stress day.  I really am thankful that Todd and I can remain friends.  I feel bad that I can't love him the way that he loves me but I still care about him.  I feel awful that his family has abandoned him and I hope they can deal with that one day when he's gone. And maybe the reason I'm choosing to keep our dysfunctional family in the same house is because of the pain that his family is causing.  And honestly I can't be happy if I know I'm making my kids miserable. As angry and upset as I've been in the last year....I'm learning to forgive. For me to truly move forward I have to.  Not forgiving Todd keeps me chained to the past, and I can't be there anymore.   So for now this is life and today turned out to be a day that we all needed.  A little bit of peace...a little bit of stability and a lot to be thankful for.