Addiction

Todd and I were talking today on our way to an appointment. What....we actually speak to each other?! It's true, believe it or not we don't always argue, in fact we really don't argue very much at all anymore, and when we do it's because I'm upset with something.  Anyway...he knows he needs to quit smoking, he's not ready to die yet, and he's having a hard time with it. Before I get all sorts of suggestions, he's tried it all.  Over the past many...many years, I've begged and pleaded with him, gotten extremely pissed off at him, given him guilt trips. I tried whatever I could possibly think of to make him see the damage he was doing to get him to think about quitting. He's tried the patch, gum, prescriptions. Obviously none of this has worked. It's his last bad fix, and it started when he was about 14.  I just kind of looked at him and said... "Look, you have two choices...you can quit and possibly extend your life a little while longer.....or not. And only you can make that decision."  In the situation he is in, it has to be that simple. I can't control whether he quits or not, whether he lives or dies. I can't force him to do anything.  I think I've mentioned before that only 10% of people with end stage liver disease make it past the 5 year mark. He's approaching this time and he's scared and he wants to do what he can to extend his life.  His problem his addiction and bad habits and he has to make serious changes in his life.

I think it's fair to say that most if not all of us have some sort of an addiction. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, smoking, junk food, caffeine, whatever.  We all have something that we feel we need.  Mine was caffeine, junk food, sugar.  I had times where I lived on straight junk food.  Candy....ice cream....chips. Bad mood....I'm running to Wendy's for a spicy chicken sandwich, fries and a diet coke.   Why? Good question, and one I'm still working through, because I don't want to go back to that way of eating, or thinking. I don't need that stuff to live, so why am I in such a hurry to die? A little scary to think of it in those terms, but it's true.  How is my addiction to food any different than Todd's addictions.  I could die just as easily from what I was doing to myself as what he has done and is doing now to himself. So I changed, and I seriously changed.  I need food to sustain my life. Trust me I still eat, just a whole Hell of a lot better. But what I have to keep reminding myself is,  I don't need it for pleasure or to relieve pain and stress and boredom.  And trust me I'm not saying this has been easy, it's an ongoing process, just like any addiction. But mentally I  had to go to that place where I  really had to figure out why.  I never understood Todd's addictions, they were "bad" addictions.  drugs, alcohol, smoking.  I never had the desire to do any of the three....really. I just never got it until I faced my own. I can still say I've never tried drugs, and I've never smoked.  I have a lot of people ask if I drink. I guess being married to an alcoholic people just assume I would.  Aside from the fact that I just don't think it's good for you,and I don't really like the taste of it.  I'm married to an alcoholic the smell alone can make me sick. What I'm saying is really, there's no difference between his addiction and mine.  If it's bad enough and your body has been destroyed enough, it all ends the same.

Right now Todd is fighting his addiction with smoking.  It still amazes me how easily (at least it seemed that way) he gave up drugs when he was younger and alcohol 4 1/2 years ago.  Smoking seems to be the hardest of the three. I don't know if he'll ever do it. I know he's scared. I know he's not ready to die, and yet he's doing everything opposite of what he needs to do to try and live maybe even a  little bit longer.  The problem is he won't until he figures out why.  I've tried to talk to him about it, sometimes it ends with him telling me I'm a big jerk and me calling him an Ass, and sometimes it ends with him being really quiet and thinking about the things I've said. It just never quite clicks enough to make him really...really want to change. It's frustrating and addictions suck, they can destroy you in every way if you let them, but it's a decision he has to make. Just like it was my decision and anyone else who truly wants to make a change.