"Inner peace begins
the moment you choose
not to allow
another person or event
to control your emotions"
I saw this the other day and I loved it. It sums up exactly what I'm working toward. Letting the past stay in the past and letting it go, not allowing it to affect me anymore. Not letting the everyday crap that flies at me bother me so much. A funny thing happened when I started changing the way I was living, eating better, exercising. I'm slowly becoming that patient, calm person that I used to be. OK not entirely....because I'm so not that perfect but, I've started noticing a difference. I still get frustrated with Todd and my kids....they all know how to push just the right buttons, however I'm noticing that it takes a little bit more than normal everyday stuff to get me upset anymore. I'm tired of being angry and cranky and in a bad mood just because I've felt stuck, like I've had to put my entire life on hold. In finding myself....I managed to lose myself.
When Todd and I met and were dating, one of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that he was big and strong. He wasn't afraid of anything. I saw him as someone who would protect me, someone that would come to my rescue if I needed rescuing. He was a tough guy. After years of being married to him and listening to his rants when he was drunk, I learned a lot about him. Sadly I learned more about him when he was drunk than when he was sober during those years. He was a complainer, a "you don't understand or know what I've been through" kind of drunk. We had some nasty, loud arguments. I took everything he said personally, I thought everything was my fault. I hated him for a long...long time. After he quit drinking and we found out how sick he was, I remember looking up information and researching everything. I couldn't picture what this disease was going to look like in the future. Without alcohol, and after learning he was sick, he became a different person in some ways, and I took it as my opportunity to throw everything back in his face. All my anger, all my pain...everything. I wanted to make him miserable. Yea, I really am that big of an ass. I accomplished what I set out to do over the last 4 1/2 years, and of course I don't feel better, it's only made me feel worse. Because the truth is, he never hated me, he never intended to hurt me, he was never really that tough, and he is scared of a lot of things. All of his anger and pain that he projected, that I took personally was his own dislike for himself. His own insecurities, his own frustrations with his childhood and his family. His only wanting to please his father enough that he would acknowledge it and feel like his dad really loved him. Todd has never been capable of being the husband I wanted/needed. He never knew how. It doesn't excuse any of his behavior. He still is a very selfish person. He still frustrates the HELL out of me, almost always on a daily basis. He can still manage to piss me off. However what we deal with now is the present, the past is gone, I'm over it....I can honestly say that. I don't know how much of a future he has. His body continues to decline. His ammonia levels are extremely high, and his blood platelets are extremely low. The only way he can even be considered to be on the transplant list is for him to quit smoking (6 months before they they would even try to consider), lose about 70 pounds and pass a mental health evaluation. If I'm being completely honest, I don't think it's going to happen, we've been together 16 years and I know him too well. My job right now however, isn't to discourage him, so if he wants to try I'll do what I can to help. I've had enough bad Karma from being an evil bitch....it's time to stop, accept what's happening, stop being scared, stop blaming him for everything, and start living life. Because truth is I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone and it does scare me. He may have not been the greatest husband but we are still connected and I'm still not sure how to let go. He has gotten to the future of this disease, I know what it looks like now. His body is wearing down, he moves a lot slower, he's significantly weaker. It's hard to see, and it's hard some days to remember the person he was.
I guess right now I can say I'm content. Life is still hard, challenging, crazy, but I'm in a place of acceptance with Todd and it makes everything else go a little bit smoother. Through this crazy journey we've been on, he's helped me become a stronger person than I ever thought I was capable of being. I needed to go on this journey. That probably sounds crazy, but it's true. We haven't hit the hardest part by any means, but I know it's coming and I know I love him enough to be his friend through the rest of it, while continuing to work on finding myself again and that inner peace that I desperately need.
When Todd and I met and were dating, one of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that he was big and strong. He wasn't afraid of anything. I saw him as someone who would protect me, someone that would come to my rescue if I needed rescuing. He was a tough guy. After years of being married to him and listening to his rants when he was drunk, I learned a lot about him. Sadly I learned more about him when he was drunk than when he was sober during those years. He was a complainer, a "you don't understand or know what I've been through" kind of drunk. We had some nasty, loud arguments. I took everything he said personally, I thought everything was my fault. I hated him for a long...long time. After he quit drinking and we found out how sick he was, I remember looking up information and researching everything. I couldn't picture what this disease was going to look like in the future. Without alcohol, and after learning he was sick, he became a different person in some ways, and I took it as my opportunity to throw everything back in his face. All my anger, all my pain...everything. I wanted to make him miserable. Yea, I really am that big of an ass. I accomplished what I set out to do over the last 4 1/2 years, and of course I don't feel better, it's only made me feel worse. Because the truth is, he never hated me, he never intended to hurt me, he was never really that tough, and he is scared of a lot of things. All of his anger and pain that he projected, that I took personally was his own dislike for himself. His own insecurities, his own frustrations with his childhood and his family. His only wanting to please his father enough that he would acknowledge it and feel like his dad really loved him. Todd has never been capable of being the husband I wanted/needed. He never knew how. It doesn't excuse any of his behavior. He still is a very selfish person. He still frustrates the HELL out of me, almost always on a daily basis. He can still manage to piss me off. However what we deal with now is the present, the past is gone, I'm over it....I can honestly say that. I don't know how much of a future he has. His body continues to decline. His ammonia levels are extremely high, and his blood platelets are extremely low. The only way he can even be considered to be on the transplant list is for him to quit smoking (6 months before they they would even try to consider), lose about 70 pounds and pass a mental health evaluation. If I'm being completely honest, I don't think it's going to happen, we've been together 16 years and I know him too well. My job right now however, isn't to discourage him, so if he wants to try I'll do what I can to help. I've had enough bad Karma from being an evil bitch....it's time to stop, accept what's happening, stop being scared, stop blaming him for everything, and start living life. Because truth is I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone and it does scare me. He may have not been the greatest husband but we are still connected and I'm still not sure how to let go. He has gotten to the future of this disease, I know what it looks like now. His body is wearing down, he moves a lot slower, he's significantly weaker. It's hard to see, and it's hard some days to remember the person he was.
I guess right now I can say I'm content. Life is still hard, challenging, crazy, but I'm in a place of acceptance with Todd and it makes everything else go a little bit smoother. Through this crazy journey we've been on, he's helped me become a stronger person than I ever thought I was capable of being. I needed to go on this journey. That probably sounds crazy, but it's true. We haven't hit the hardest part by any means, but I know it's coming and I know I love him enough to be his friend through the rest of it, while continuing to work on finding myself again and that inner peace that I desperately need.
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