Trials.....Oh man.....while I can appreciate that there is a reason we have them, I really don't like them very much. I'm at an age, and I've been through enough of them that I know I'm always going to have them......we all do, that's a fact. I'm not naive enough to think that life is just going to go along smoothly. Sometimes they are just little, manageable bumps in the road, annoying, they slow us down, but make us take a little more time to look at things and realize we just need to breathe and rethink things and proceed over them. Others are a little bigger... a little more difficult, they may stop us for a few beats, and then we slowly climb the hill, that we know we have to get over with a little effort. And still others....they are the ones that stop us completely for however long it takes us to realize that the mountain sitting in front of us is not impossible. It takes every ounce of our energy, and the love and strength and help from friends and family who support us to get over. It may seem while on that climb, the top is out of reach and impossible, but it isn't.
When Todd and I got married we started out as an instant family. He had a 3yr. old little boy and I had just had a baby. I dove head first into being a mom.....it felt more like a belly flop. I was 25, so not too young, and even though I had younger sisters and a brother who I babysat growing up it did not come close to preparing me for motherhood. I did the best I could, going on instinct. Trying to bond with a brand new baby and a 3yr old who was dealing with everything changing in his own life. I fell in love with that little boy and knew I wanted to adopt him....when he was 6, I was able to, and I consider him mine. I was there through all the hard times, and all the good times. I was overprotective and maybe a little strict. I've changed my parenting style over the years and gotten a little more relaxed, but I've always kept the same expectations for all my children. Our oldest has been our biggest challenge. It hasn't been an easy ride for him or for us, but the fact that we love him and just want him to see his own potential and everything he can accomplish will never change.
Our oldest is 18 now, I've struggled for the last few years with him changing his friends, getting into trouble, going to court, never telling us when he leaves or where he is going, coming home when he feels like it, not caring to follow any rules in our house, dropping out of school, lying and stealing. He was in the juvenile system and we've been through counseling. I've tried to talk to him and give him advice. He would only tell me what he thought I wanted to hear....and after a few times of that, and him not following through, well I stopped believing what he was telling me. Broken promises and empty apologies, and it broke my heart. For the last few months I've been nagging him about getting a job. It was frustrating having him here sleeping until anywhere between 2 and 5 in the afternoon, then getting up and leaving with friends until whenever he felt like coming home, and the tension was unbelievably thick. I finally told him at the beginning of this month that when he turned 19 it was time to move out, hoping this would be more of a motivation to get a job. Not only that, right now I have my almost 16yr old sharing a bedroom with his 9yr old brother, because he couldn't handle sharing one with his older brother anymore. We need space, he's not willing to follow any rules, and he's not motivated to do anything. I can't function like that, it drives me insane. So I gave him 5 months to figure out a plan.
Last weekend he left the house with his friend. Tuesday morning, after being gone 3 nights I started to worry about where he was. I know what you're thinking, but he goes camping with his friends all the time and doesn't tell us, so it's normal for him to be gone for the weekend. I had Todd text him just to ask "Where are you?" I wasn't expecting his response. He texted back saying, he was working out of state, and had just decided to move on with his life. He wouldn't call, he wouldn't tell us where he was, all that he would say was that he was fine and he would check in once in a while. After a few more times of questioning him and trying to make sense of it, I finally just told Todd to say Ok, we love you. I've spent the last couple of days, questioning every decision that I've ever made with him, feeling like a complete failure as a parent and wondering what I did wrong. How did I manage to raise a child that I love, that one day just leaves the house, not taking anything, not saying good bye, just walking away, and waiting for us to realize he hasn't been here for longer than we are used to before he vaguely lets us know anything? I don't get it, and I feel helpless. The not knowing hurts, maybe that was his intention. Maybe it's because he's still 18 and he doesn't realize that his choices don't just affect him. The reality is, I know I'm not a failure as a parent. Every parent makes mistakes, we do not automatically know how to raise children just because we have them. We learn by trial and error, trust me, I'm still trying to get it right. I know a little more now than I did then....a little. We do our best and hope in the end we did something right to help them in their lives.
So I'm trudging my way up this hill, it's a little scary. I need to have faith that things work out as they are supposed to. I'm honestly having a hard time with that one. I worry about him, although I know he is capable of doing whatever he has set his mind to do. And all I can do is keep him in my prayers, keep trying to talk to him, hope that his life is going in a more positive direction, and hope he realizes how much his family really loves and cares about him. We don't always love or agree with the choices our children make, but it doesn't make us love them any less. Maybe one day he will understand that. And I'll continue up my hill hoping the next one is a little farther away....
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