Make Peace With The Past

Last week, I was getting ready to take Todd to one of his appointments when he said, "I think it's time for me to start saying good-bye to people."   I was quiet for a few moments before I responded.  "Why are you thinking that?"  "Because I'm just not feeling right lately.....I'm not sure what's wrong with me."  Now, I don't know what time frame we are looking at with him.  I know that his doctor he sees now for his liver has told him that only 10% of people with Cirrhosis make it past the 5 year mark.  I know that we have reached that 5 year mark. I also know that at 44 Todd is younger than most people who die from this, which I think helps him.  I'm not convinced it's his time just yet, but I think he is finally coming to terms with things, and acknowledging out loud that it is going to happen.  The last part of his statement he says a lot.....and it makes me a little crazy.  Sometimes I wonder if he really understands what is going on with his body, if he's read anything about it.  I know I have, and I know I, along with his doctors have all tried to explain things to him.  I think a lot of the problem is denial or just not wanting to think about it, and it could even be that he doesn't remember what's been explained to him because his short term memory is so awful.  The main reason I've always gone to every one of his appointments is to make sure I hear the information first hand.  He always manages to hear something completely different than I do when we are sitting in the same room. 

I've noticed the last week or two that he has been a lot more tired than usual.  It could be because he pushed himself to do things for two weeks and made his body shut down and say enough.  It could be that he is more upset than he is letting on about our son leaving without saying good-bye, and us not hearing from him at all in the last month.  He could be depressed and he could be just....tired.  I don't know if this is a phase or if it's things progressing....I never know.  But I knew he was in a mind set to talk, so we did. 

As we were driving, I said to him that he should start thinking about things he maybe wanted to do or resolve in his life.  His first thought.... "Well I'd really like if you and I could go on a cruise."  Here's me rolling my eyes.....that's not what I meant.  We are so completely opposite and this one way screams it the loudest.  He always thinks in terms of money.  If he has a penny in his pocket he has to spend it.....but we won't go down that crazy road of arguments.  What I meant was...What things do you feel like you need to make peace with?  This is maybe what you should be thinking about.  Because you either deal with this stuff now, or you deal with it after you die.....it all doesn't just disappear and it's going to be painful either way.  See, Todd grew up in a family that never says, "I'm sorry." ....well I know I've heard his mom say it, but I've never heard it from anyone else.  We had a big blow up argument with his dad last October, nobody spoke to each other for two months, in December his dad sent him a text message that said... it's time for this nonsense to be over, we'll see you at the Christmas party.  No apologies. For what happened there NEEDED to be an apology.  Todd didn't respond and it's been a year since he has seen anyone in his family.  Not only has Todd hurt a lot of people in his life, he himself has been hurt by a lot of people in his life.  At some point he needs to come to terms with the fact that the past is the past.  His dad will never apologize for anything that happened when he was a kid.  Todd has tried to talk to him....his dad won't talk.  This is a man who once told his granddaughter, my niece, when she was maybe 8 and asked why him and grandma (Todd's mom) got a divorce, that if she asked him about it again she couldn't come to his house anymore.  It's obvious he has issues and needs massive amounts of therapy.  Todd will never be able to resolve the past with him, not here anyway.  So we talked about ways he could try to make peace with the past.  We had a good talk.  I asked him to maybe write experiences down.  He wasn't sure he could do that, it would be really hard.  I told him that is exactly why he should.  Todd has changed a lot over the last 5 years.  It is part of the reason why I have been able to make peace with things.  Having a husband who was an alcoholic, and doesn't remember most of what he said or did during that time, means I had to really dig deep and accept that....and it was hard, but it has been worth it.  Making peace with the past.....letting it go, frees you. I want desperately for Todd to understand this.  Why would I want that for a man who has given me years of frustration?  Because, he's not an evil person.  He deserves to be happy just like anyone else, and he deserves to move on from this life free of those chains.  Will he?  I can't even answer that.  The patterns of his life say no he won't.  But, we have the power to break those patterns.  Maybe he will.....I hope he will for his own happiness.  I think too many people wait until the end, afraid of what comes next.  I want happiness while I'm here and I want to enjoy it.  I wish Todd could have been happy in this life.  I'm not sure he has ever been.  Even though he loves me with all his heart....I know he does....he's never been truly happy.  His past has weighed him down, and it does make me feel sad for him.  I hope one day he truly will have some peace and happiness.   I know that this alone is what makes me want to do what I can to forgive, and make peace with the past and continue on.  It is a lesson we should all learn....don't wait until the end, decide you want happiness now, and try to let go of the things that can't be resolved, so you can have peace.