And Then Sometimes, There Are Sleepless Nights...

I've been up since about 4:30 this morning, after going to sleep sometime around 1:30 and I'm pretty sure that until I get the thoughts that are in my head out, I'm not going to get any sleep.  Thursday night while I was folding laundry, Todd and I were talking.  The subject was his family, who have been pretty much non-existent for over a year now.  He is depressed (understandably).  Part of the reason is because he feels like they just don't care. The day before Thanksgiving his dad sent him a text....a text....again, the day before, inviting him and our kids to spend Thanksgiving with them.  Our oldest son and I however, regretfully were not allowed to be there.  We (Todd the kids and I), already had plans.  Todd didn't respond to his dad because... 1. He wasn't feeling well, and hadn't been for a couple of weeks, and  2. He couldn't believe his dad was really expecting him to come with only part of his family, and again wasn't feeling well enough to try and confront him about it.  Todd avoids confrontation now, even with me.  He won't argue with anyone anymore, it's just not worth it.   A few days after Thanksgiving his dad sent him another text......not happy that Todd didn't respond to him about Thanksgiving, the text said...."Well, you're either dead...or you're being rude."   Who says that?!?! Especially to their child, who has been dealing with an illness for over 5 years, that is very slowly and painfully taking away his life.  This is when I get angry, really angry.  When I say that I am happy, and balanced, it means with myself.  I'm ok with me, it helps me deal with everything that is going on around me.  Because the reality of what is going on around me is, it is not happy, or fun or pleasant all the time.  We have moments of laughter and joking around, because Todd is very witty, and funny, still, but there are a lot of quiet, sad moments, angry moments, everyday dealing with teenagers...moments.  The only difference is I've found ways to help me cope, and deal, and get through the days that are sometimes really difficult to get through. I've been thinking a lot about what to do about his funeral lately.....I don't know why, it's just in my head, and it keeps coming to me that I need to be someone that speaks at it.  Now if you know me, you know I avoid speaking in front of groups of people, I've dropped classes in college upon finding out I would have to do a presentation or a speech. It is not something I enjoy.  When we were talking on Thursday night I mentioned it to him and asked if he wanted me to.  He responded with, "Of course I want you to."  When I asked him why, he said, "Because, you are the only one in this world that really knows me."   Not one person in his family has called to check on him, not one person in his family called to wish him Merry Christmas....or Happy New Year.  The problem solver in me and the person that feels like I have to fix everything is screaming to do something, because it's killing me that there is so much miscommunication and misunderstanding that is going on.  Why....after 5 years do these people just not get it? I've explained, they've researched things....and even after they have seen his decline....and it is a huge decline....they are still in denial.  And they are hurting him far more than they realize.  I can't step in, because his family hates me.  His dad has called me a wolf in sheep's clothing.  All because I will stand up to him now, and he knows where I stand.  I have no idea how things are going to go with his family and I don't like it.  Thursday night while I was sleeping, the whole night I was dreaming about his family, calling me names, yelling at me....the whole night.  I woke up a couple of times, they were still there when I fell back to sleep.  I was so tired Friday morning, that after I got kids to school, I came home and fell asleep, and there they were again. Last night, I had too many thoughts going through my head about all of this.  When I woke up at 4:30 this morning Todd was sitting on the side of the bed sleeping. This is something I'm just used to.  When I woke him up and tried to get him to lay down, he insisted he needed to get up.  I can't argue with him about it. I won't win, and it only makes me crazy, so I close my eyes, say a little prayer, and  I let him get up, I watched him sleepily wander out of the bedroom. About 15 minutes later I heard a thud, and I jumped out of bed.  He was sitting on the floor at the bottom of our first set of stairs....he missed the last step. He was fine, not hurt, but the what if's start racing through my mind.  When I looked at his feet, he had one shoe on and one slipper on....both on the wrong feet.  This...is....hard...  He has had at least a handful of falls in the last 2 months. One happened in the middle of the night, in our bedroom, waking me from a deep sleep.  I must have had a ton of adrenaline running through me, because when I had gone to bed that night I could barely move, my back hurt so much, but when I heard the crash I woke up and jumped out of bed like I was part ninja. This....is....hard... but I'm here and I'm doing this, and dealing with this on my own, because I am the only person that will.  His family is the one problem, I don't have a solution for.  They are my stumbling block when it comes to forgiveness.   I know they blame me now for a lot of things and I know when Todd is no longer here, they are going to blame me for a lot of things, but I know it will only be, to make themselves feel better.  I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I can fix this.....and I'm not sure where I was going with this post other than needing to get was I was thinking about out of my head so I can try to get some sleep today.  It's 9am the kids are waking up, and I'm going to attempt to get a couple of more hours of sleep.