One Thing I Have a Hard Time With

Today was one of those days that started wrong.   Todd had an appointment at the wound clinic we go to at 10:30.  I woke him up at least 2 hours early, because I know how long it normally takes him to get ready.  Today, he sat on the side of the bed, not really being able to decide what he needed to do.  All that he needed to do was change his clothes and put his slippers on. (Yes his normal footwear most days are slippers).  We left the house at 10:40, and ended up being 25 minutes late.  Thankfully they were fine with it and still allowed him to have his appointment.  Everything is getting a little bit harder.  Since my last post Todd had another fall.  This time he was in the garage, I was asleep and I didn't hear him when he was yelling in pain.  He had fallen so hard that he skinned up both of his knees, hit his head and he has a giant....giant bruise on his stomach.  He somehow managed to get up on his own and then used his cane to pound on the walls, which woke me up, but he had no idea if anyone was even home, and that scared him.   Today he was told by the doctor he sees, that if he doesn't start listening about needing a few of his bandages changed everyday, and listening to me when I tell him it's time to change them, he will continue to risk infection.  As it is he is on an antibiotic every other month.  If that infection makes its way into the bone?  Amputation....first his toes, then his feet, then below his knees.  This is becoming a real possibility, that will also shorten his life even further.  Because of poor circulation, due to health issues and smoking, he has been dealing with these wounds on his legs for years.  The same ones, opening and closing and opening. One closes another one opens up.  It is extremely painful.   Along with all of this, his memory is getting worse.  A couple of nights ago, while I was at work, he woke up from a nap, and was completely out of it for about 30 minutes.  He didn't know where he was, what time it was, what he was doing.  These are the times it's hard for me not to be here and the responsibilities fall on our kids to make sure he is ok.  I'm pretty sure he is going to have to be on hospice again soon, but I'm waiting to get blood tests done again to see where his health really is right now.  The only thing I know for sure, is that it is going to get a lot harder than it is right now....and that sucks.

I'm kind of a facebook junkie.  When I've got nothing to do (that would be avoiding things), I turn on the computer to see what everyone is up to.  There are always political or religious discussions going on.  I like my friends, they have a huge range of personalities, political views and religious beliefs. And it's nice to see that everybody has so many completely different opinions, and I respect that.  Believe it or not....and if you've read my blog it's not that hard to believe....the thing I have the hardest time with, would be posts about alcohol.  I cringe when I see pictures of beer bottles and glasses of wine or drinks, with captions about needing to get drunk or take the edge off  or whatever.  Now, my intention is not to offend any of my friends, I'm sure I post plenty of things that bug the crap out of people.  It's just one of those things I have a hard time with.  I think what set me off today was seeing a post...something about people who don't drink alcohol have shorter lives.  Really??  Try to convince me or my husband or my children of that one.  My husband is 44 and dying because of his love for alcohol.  He drank anywhere from a 12 pack to sometimes 24 pack of beer....every single night for 11 1/2 years of our marriage....adding a bottle of rum every other day to the mix for the last year and a half that he drank.  I don't want to hear everything in moderation.....I get it.  I really do.  My husband was an alcoholic...still is, even though he doesn't drink now. He would if he could.  I don't drink, I have no desire what so ever to.  I don't like the taste of it.  I've been drunk once in my life, I threw up for half of the next day....I haven't had anything since.  That was 16 years ago.  I guess I just don't understand what's so great about it.  So although the pictures make my stomach turn a little, I scroll by them or if there's too many people posting them I just turn the computer off.  Everyone has the right to choose what they want to do, be who they want to be, take pictures of the alcoholic beverages that they are consuming.  What it really comes down to, is this, I don't want any of my friends to experience what I am right now.  Either having to watch someone die from Cirrhosis or be someone who suffers from it.....because it is a long, painful awful way to die, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, and seeing pictures or advertisements on tv, or....facebook is just a painful reminder that sometime in the future, and sooner than I want to think about I'm going to be a widow and my children are going to be without a father.