Gratitude...

I look back over the past few months...really over the last year and I can't help but to be grateful.  Yesterday I had a headache it was one that had been lingering for a few days.  Lack of sleep does that to me. So I stayed in bed most of the morning fading in and out of sleep. I like Diet Coke...you've probably figured that out.  It's an addiction really, and I had none in my fridge and I'm completely broke right now so I couldn't even run to the store. At some point while I was sleeping someone came to my door and when I woke up in the afternoon and walked to my kitchen there sitting on my counter was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke..... along with some cookies and Hershey kisses.  I don't know which one of my neighbors brought it over I don't even know why.....but it's these little acts of kindness that I've been receiving lately that make me smile.

I'm extremely stubborn this is no secret.  People ask me all the time if I need help with anything...if there is anything they can do...anything they can do to make things easier...anything at all.  My answer is always... No I'm ok, there's not much anyone can do, this is just how life is right now.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I have a hard time asking people to do things for me that I should have no problem doing.  The truth is when Todd was drinking there were a lot of times that were harder than what I'm dealing with now.  Not to mention I've always worked, I've balanced being a full time working mom and taking care of kids and staying up all sorts of crazy hours with my husband who was drinking and always needed to eat when I would get home from work. (but I'm not going into that right now) Honestly some days I feel really lazy, there isn't that much I need to do.  I could even work if I had anyone willing to come sit at my house 9 - 10 hours a day (taking into account drive time) for a full work week....ok that's never going to happen because I would never ask anyone to do that.  I never thought adjusting to not working would be so hard.  Really the mental stress is the hardest part.

Over the past year my neighbors...friends and family who have all asked what they can do are learning they will never get anything out of me...except on rare moments. You would think at this point they would walk away...far from it. Instead I get people who just show up with a meal...with treats. I get things left on my doorstep....like boxes of food...12 packs of diet coke (I know I seriously have problems :)... things that show up at just the right times. And they still ask just to let me know they are there for me.  My angels are working overtime and I'm extremely grateful to all the people in my life whose hearts are open to hear them.  I've always been used to being on the giving side....being on the receiving side...I won't lie...is hard for me. And although I feel incredibly selfish for accepting help that I don't always think I need...at the end of the day I'm thankful.  Thankful for my family (especially my mom) who helps me more than I will ever be able to repay...thankful for my friends and neighbors who just seem to know that I need a pick me up....thankful to Todd's hospice team who I like to think are here more for me than for him...but that's my selfish side...and I'm even thankful for my in-laws, who are putting aside their feelings (most days) so they can help their son/brother get through this. I can't say this is the hardest time of my life, but it's definitely hard. I'm constantly adjusting to something new that we are dealing with.  We deal with life as it comes at us. Some days are fairly easy...some days my patience is pushed to the absolute limit.  But when I look back at this time in my life I will always remember the love and kindness that has been shown to us and I will be grateful for ALL the amazing people that are in my life.  Thank You from the bottom of my heart :o)