How Life Was Supposed to Be

Two things you will never see me write about on my blog....religion and politics. However for the sake of my post today I have to talk about religion a little so bear with me.

I'm a Mormon, I have been my whole life, and I will be for the rest of my life. I like my religion.  I like my beliefs.  Growing up in New Jersey I was definitely a minority. If I remember right there were three of us at my High School when I was a senior.  I was a "good girl". I went to church every Sunday, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I didn't go to parties.....I really didn't have a social life. I was afraid of disappointing my parents. And I was probably looked at as being a little weird....it's all good.  When I graduated from High School I moved to Utah to go to college. My dad had died at the beginning of my senior year and when I graduated I wanted to get as far away from home as I could. (My mom and I argued a lot during that time).  So off to Utah I went...me being a Mormon, and having family and friends there made this of course the natural choice.  Growing up I always thought that I would marry a return missionary.  I wouldn't really need to go to college, because well DuH....I was going to marry a man that was going to take care of me, we would have a big family...My kids would all participate in sports..my girls would take dance classes....and life would be perfect.  Because everybody that goes to church is perfect. (I hope you are reading this as sarcasm).  I never took college seriously...I went off and on for years...never decided on a major and still held on to the delusion that I was going to meet the perfect guy.  The reality is moving to Utah was probably the worst thing for me to do... I slowly stopped going to church. I went every once in a while until I just stopped going all together. You would think that moving to a place where there were Mormons all around me I would have felt at home. When in actuality I never felt so out of place in my life...I was completely alone.  I didn't know how to function in this place and it was too much for me.  I went to the "singles" activities for a while, but again I felt so out of place, that guys just looked past me.  I gave up on dating...I gave up on finding "Mr. Right"...I gave up on school and I gave up on myself. The rest of my family had moved to Utah after my second year of college, so I couldn't even go home. I tried moving back to New Jersey at one point but I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough to be on my own. I was totally pathetic.  I lost who I was....well I didn't know who I was. I grew up doing everything I was supposed to do...everything my parents wanted me to do. And I let my parents do everything for me, make my decisions. I didn't know how to survive on my own. I was afraid of everything.  And because the guys at church never showed any interest in me what so ever...my self esteem got lower and lower.  What was wrong with me?  I obviously wasn't good enough for this place. 

When I was 24...I seriously was getting worried about getting married...nobody was going to want me if I got any older. (Yes this again is my delusional thinking). So I was set up on a blind date...and it went ok. He was more nervous than I was...and we went out again, and again. We liked each other. He was definitely not who my family would have chosen for me. My family didn't like him. I didn't care he liked me and that's all that mattered.  Here we are 15 years later. Would I have found someone better if I would have waited longer?...probably not.  Like I said I had really bad self esteem, I didn't know who I was.  The best part of my marriage...other than my kids... Is the fact that I've become a person I like. I know who I am now. I know that I can make it on my own. I'm a far stronger person now than I've ever been in my life. I'm discovering things about myself that I never would have seen back then.  Yes I went through years of pain and sadness...for me I had to get to my very lowest point to look up and see I was really worth something. Life did not turn out for me like it was "supposed to be", that's ok, I've still survived and I think I've come out a better person.

"Success in the affairs of life often serves to hide one's abilities, whereas adversity frequently gives one an opportunity to discover them."
 -Horace