Drawing a Line

There is just something about sitting on my back porch in the morning.  Listening to the birds, a slight breeze in the air and having a million thoughts running through my head.  Ok....so I can hear the cars on the freeway....but after 14 years of living here, Eh...I'm pretty used to it.  I like having the mornings to myself.  I have 3 days until school is out for the summer and I want to enjoy as much of that time as I can. (Not that I don't enjoy the time I spend with my kids, I just know I won't get much time to myself for the next 2 1/2 months).  In fact, I just got irritated with my son who skipped his first period class today. "When exactly are you leaving?  This is my alone time and I would like to be a...lone." Nice parenting...I know.  So I'm on my back porch writing this in a notebook, because I don't want to be anywhere near a computer right now.

I've had this post running through my head for a while.  It's putting it into the right words that has been the hard part.  I have no problem talking about my husband's alcoholism...now, but, I hid it for years....we hid it for years.  I was a true enabler in every sense of the word.  When he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis our families really didn't understand why.  I had to start talking.  I was embarrassed  and ashamed of the life I had chosen, for what I let myself put up with.  Years of shame, hurt, tears....fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of not really knowing what he was capable of when he was in that state of mind.  Fear of what he would do if I left, and fear of having to do everything alone.  I was miserable, I had no one to talk to about what I was going through, and I was alone.  I've talked about this before, but after my husband quit drinking, I changed.  I was becoming my own person.  I started wearing make up again and doing my hair.  When he was drinking, he had a paranoid jealousy thing going on.  If I made myself look nice to go to work, he was automatically suspicious that I was trying to impress somebody.  When he quit drinking that behavior stopped, for the most part.  The funny thing is I never looked at other guys.  I was married...I didn't need to.  That's not something I thought about.

So what changed with me?  Ha...funny enough....I had an affair...long distance.  (Judge me if you want....I don't care).   I started talking to a guy I knew when I was younger and I can only explain it as an instant connection.  I wasn't looking for someone to talk to....it started with a Hey, how are you? How's your family?  We ended up talking almost everyday sometimes hours at a time...about anything, everything, the past, our different memories of the people we knew.  I laughed so much when we talked, and...I fell in love with him.  For a little over a year, I. was. happy.  When he told me he loved me, I wanted to jump on the next plane...and I couldn't.  He and I never talked about why I couldn't leave.  I avoided that conversation.  It wasn't because I loved my husband, it was because I understood how sick he really was (is).  I couldn't take our kids away from him, and have them lose that time with him, no matter my feelings.  It's been 2 years since the last time we talked, I hurt him...and he walked away...and my heart was shattered.  I still miss him everyday.  Yes my husband knows...  I'm not in any way trying to justify what I did.  It is what it is. I hurt my husband....I hurt the man I fell in love with...and I hurt myself.  And I deserved it...period.

So here I am... putting myself out there.  Why? to show you I'm human.  My husband will never really understand what he did in our marriage to hurt me. What could he have possibly done? Our marriage was perfect.....with beer goggles on....I suppose it was.  And towards the end I contributed my fair share to our dysfunction.  I don't wear my wedding ring anymore.  It just doesn't feel right. The main point is I have to accept that he will never fully understand.  Nothing I do or say will make him see what things were really like.  I have to draw a line and say....I'm not going to that place anymore.  When he is no longer with us, I will draw another line.  I will no longer revisit the past, except with my kids.  They are the only ones that will need to talk about it.  For me, the alcoholism...the hurt, will be a chapter in my life that will be closed forever.  I refuse to take that part of my past into my future.  I'll leave fate to sort everything else out. So, I draw a line and know that it's ok to just. let. it. go.