Some Days are Overwhelming and.....Lonely

It's not that I don't have people to talk to, I do.  And I talk a lot.  But some days, I hit that point where I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.  When I feel like I have no one and I feel like nobody really cares.  Now I know this isn't really the case.  I'm very fortunate to have a lot of people who care about me.  Even if they don't quite understand everything, they still love me and would help me if I asked.  But....it's lonely. 

Yesterday I had my youngest sons IEP meeting.  Well it was an addendum to his IEP, just adding more time out of the his regular classroom to his resource class.  I sat in the room by myself, with his teacher, resource teacher, speech teacher, school psychologist and principal.  I haven't been the greatest parent when it comes to school this year.  I haven't kept up on his school work.  And so I got a little lecture on him needing to understand that he needs to do his school work and bring it back.  Strike one for mom.  His teacher also brought up that he has been really tired at school lately and even fell asleep one day.  Hinting that maybe he is going to bed too late.  Well...no he isn't. He goes to bed by 8p.m.  Lately he has been waking up a lot during the night. Bad dreams...needing to go to the bathroom....needing a drink.  I guess strike two for mom.  And then the big one....his having a hard time concentrating on what he is supposed to be doing....the ADD....the hint...hint...we really want you to try medication. Strike three.  I get that he has ADD....I get that maybe we need to try medication.  But if they would have stopped and listened to themselves and what they were telling me they were observing (and I'm really surprised the school psychologist said nothing)...they would have seen a bigger picture. 

This is what I got from the meeting.  Well.....first let me explain the relationship between my little guy and his daddy.  They are best buddies.  Anytime he would go to Dr.'s appointments with us in the past, he would hold his dad's hand and tell whoever he was seeing to be careful and not hurt him.  Now...I find them together a lot.  My son holding his dad's hand helping him walk down the hallway....sitting next to each other at Todd's bed side table eating dinner.  Always asking if they can have a "sleep over".  Which means snuggling up and watching tv together later than normal until they both fall asleep. (I only allow this on the weekends).  Their conversations make me smile, sometimes because they make absolutely no sense.  This little boy that blessed our dysfunctional little family holds us all together.  He is our little ray of sunshine, but he feels everything.  He knows daddy is very sick, and until yesterday I didn't put together and realize how much it was affecting him.  So....when his teacher told me about his Mother's Day card that he made (that he never gave me...typical), that had a picture of his dad and the word "SAD" in bubble letters....I broke down.  I pretty much cried through rest of the meeting.  The not being able to concentrate, being tired, not wanting to go to school.  There is so much more that my little boy is dealing with, that is affecting him...other than ADD.  How could they not see it when it is so very clear. He understands far more than I gave him credit for, and he is worried about his daddy. Yes I will try medication to help with things, in the long run it may make a difference. Do I think it will right now? No I don't.  I left the meeting in tears, I cried more a little while afterward.  Some days I can't handle all of this. Some days it is all too much.

Today, I was laying on the bed crying, (yes...still crying).  My husband has had a few really bad days this week.  He has really bad wounds on his ankles and they are hurting him a lot. If he would stay off of his feet it would help.  The problem....when his brain is telling him he needs to get things done, he doesn't think about how it is affecting his legs.  His thought process just isn't the same as yours or mine now.  I can't talk to him about what is going on with our youngest son, it's getting harder to explain things like this to him.  This morning when I was crying he asked if I was ok....I shook my head yes...and as he walked out of the room he asked if I would make the bed.  I just closed my eyes because I realized I really can't have those conversations with him anymore.  The conversations where he asks me tell him what is wrong.  He's very childlike right now.  He walks around singing all the time, making up words to songs.  Not going to lie....it gets really annoying.  He tells me he loves me all the time and tells me how beautiful I am.  And I tell him he's full of crap, because I am so Not beautiful right now.  I refer to him being in a drunken state all the time, but it  is very childlike.    I would never sit and bore everyone with the details of what we go through on a daily basis.  Taking care of someone I know is dying and having to watch them everyday get a little bit worse and wondering how much longer this is going to go on.  There are not enough words to describe it.  The hard part is, my family and friends as much as they care about me, don't fully understand.....and that's ok. How much do any of us understand when someone we know or love is going through a difficult time?  Sometimes despite blogging about it....and talking for hours at times.....it's still overwhelming and it's still....lonely.