The Talk....

For about the past week....really since I came home from our reunion I've been in an ornery...depressed....bitchy....I don't want to get out of bed and do anything so leave me alone kind of mood.  I have gotten up and done things and gone on with my life, but in the quiet rare moments when I'm by myself.....I just can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Last week I had a day that I stayed in bed until about 2 in the afternoon... I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to talk to anyone, when my kids opened my door I pretended I was still sleeping (It's a good thing my kids are older).  I laid there thinking about life, about the future and wishing I just knew what to do.  I finally got myself up...got dressed...and walked out the front door.  My kids all looked at me and asked where I was going....my only reply...."Out keep an eye on your little brother."   I drove around my town, paid a couple of bills, stopped at the local Chevron for a drink....and found myself parked in front of the cemetery.   I just sat there....thinking...crying.  I came to two conclusions.  Before my husband dies he needs to be at peace.....The thing is I don't know how this is going to happen.  I know it's important for him and me to be....OK.  Man have I struggled with this one, because for me and him to be ok....I have to be ok.  I'm working on it and getting there.  I realized I can't continue to hurt him/ punish him for the past just to make myself feel better.....trust me, it doesn't work. But I know that WE are getting closer to being alright. The hard part would be...him and his dad.  He NEEDS to talk to his dad about the past...and his dad avoids the questions.  I don't know if Todd can be at peace if he doesn't feel like his dad even loves him.  It's a tougher situation than even him and I....at least we hash it all out...get it out into the open and try to resolve it.....try being the most important word. His dad basically says what's in the past is the past get over it.  Yes...maybe....but not in this case. So I'm trying to help him with this.

The second thing I decided as I drove through the cemetery...where my dad is...my grandparents...my nephew....generations of relatives...is that I needed to sit down with Todd and have "the talk".  The one I have avoided since the year we found out he was sick. All the things I didn't want to think about because it starts to make everything too real.  You would think I would have thought about some of this stuff, when he was in the hospital....when I was fighting with his family about what his wishes were while he was laying there in a medically induced coma.  I wasn't thinking about anything then...except driving to the hospital everyday and driving home.  So yesterday I sat down...and let him know what I've been thinking about, what I've been worrying about.  Getting his affairs in order...so to speak.  I want everything decided...the funeral...where he wants to be buried...what he wants to do with his stuff....Names that our oldest son who I adopted needs if he ever chooses to go looking.  Stuff that I don't know...that I need to know.  He had a hard time with this conversation, and I'm not going to push him to get it all done at once....little by little.  But, I don't want to fight with his family when he's gone, I want everything clear, so there is no question.  And I know that I won't be thinking clearly enough to make decisions afterwards.  I can't even imagine how hard all of this is for him....and now I'm telling him we need to start planning things....but it needs to be done.  So my mood has been a little off.... But at least we have things out in the open....dealing with the subjects we have been avoiding....because it's hard...and it sucks.....but at least trying to deal with them.  And we are taking moments to find some peace and smile even if it's little things like the whole family wanting to go with me to return a movie...2 minutes away from our house and then stopping off at Dairy Queen for some ice cream.  We still have to live life....and we still have to carry on...even on the hard days...