A Little Flip in My Perspective..

I probably should avoid writing posts when I'm feeling off.  But the purpose of my blog is to 1. Be an outlet for my emotions and 2. Give an inside view to just some of my experiences, some of the things I've learned along the way....and maybe if there is even one person out there going through something similar, to help them feel like they are not alone.  

Over the course of my 40 years....I like everyone else in this world....have made mistakes.  Life is all about accepting those mistakes as lessons and learning from them. The more we dwell on past mistakes, the less we learn from them. And if we blame others for our mistakes....well we learn absolutely nothing. A very sad thing indeed.  So what do I mean by perspective...Obviously it's how we view the world...our lives....the way we do things based on our beliefs and who we are.  Up until a few years ago I was a worrier...a dweller.  My perspective of life came almost solely from how I was raised, my beliefs....and I was afraid to think outside of my little box.  I've mentioned before that I'm LDS (a Mormon).  When I was 24 I met my husband...and one month later found myself pregnant.  Mormon and living in Utah and pregnant before marriage (not saying it doesn't happen), but it's not looked upon well at all.  I felt abandoned by people who I thought I could turn to and I was completely alone.  I felt like dirt.  I felt like every person who looked at me was judging me. I was pregnant for the first time and there wasn't one moment that I was happy.   No one will ever understand my guilt and the shame that I felt.  Do I look at that time as a mistake....that's a hard one.  I'm going to say no.  Do I wish it could have been different? Yes.  I made the choice to get married, because I didn't want those "looks" anymore.  I didn't want to raise a child alone.  Fast forward through my life...through a ton of arguments...sleepless nights...frustration...fear....pain....tears...lots of tears....Lots of mistakes.  Many times I looked back and wondered why I made the choices I made.  I got mad at myself for being so stupid for being the stubborn person that I was (still am...that will never change) and not listening to the people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  Ahhh enlightening moment....

One day I woke up and the world was a different place....not really, but I started looking at it differently.  I started questioning the way I think. Why do I have to do things to please everyone?  Why do I feel guilty for not going to church when I have people around me telling me I need to be there?  I'm not saying church is bad in fact my older kids go without me (I know good mom award of the year...I don't need the lecture). Why did I have to feel like people needed to tell me what to do for me to make a decision?  Why can't I just say NO and be ok about it?  So I stopped being a worrier. I stopped worrying about what people thought about me (which is why I can even have this blog No way I could have done this a few years ago).  If you don't like me, No big deal.  The only people that matter, in terms of what they think about me, are the people that care about me.  I have more of an attitude now.....deal with it.  I express my feelings now....get used to it.  I have good days and bad days.  I can be a pillar of strength, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect I have pieces of that pillar that have broken off and I have plenty of cracks from top to bottom. 

One very important lesson I have learned is I should never say I can't take anymore (yes I'm aware I still do this), because undoubtedly there is somebody upstairs saying, "Oh you poor dear....I'm sorry but you ain't seen nothin' yet."  I've learned to widen my perspective.  It's not contained in a box anymore.  I have a friend of mine who I've talked to a lot about this....and she always asks, when faced with a decision/situation.  "What's the worst thing that can happen?"   For some people thinking the same way their whole lives is fine, it works for them.  One way of thinking....doing things if it works for you....great.  I kind of like being able to look at things from different angles.  I like looking at things from somebody else's point of view, and at the end of the day have my own opinion.  I have to thank my friend for this because these are her words, "Sometimes you have to take your perspective and flip it."

And because I had a few people worried about me the other day...I just have to make clear.  That as long as I can get in a car turn the radio up obnoxiously loud to drown out my anger and slowly turn it down as I drive until I can turn it off and think clearly again....then I'm ok.  It also is huge when I have those people in my life who really...truly care...who will just listen for a little while and let me vent. To those of you who have done that....Thank you and you know I would do the same for you.