OK I admit it, sometimes I can be a little bit difficult, complicated, ornery....I'm sure there's a lot of adjectives that would fit. That is, as much as I like to think I'm a patient, understanding....go with the flow....don't let too many things get to me kind of person, sometimes....when everything happens at once and the planets align just right, I turn into a crazy...lunatic...wench. This week...well....life happened like it always does, but... the planets aligned just right. And today when I went out to my backyard and I couldn't open the gate to get to the front yard, because it was locked.....Who locks their gates? I mean really, all that's back there is my garden. You want tomatoes? Go ahead take a few. It was my last straw for the week. So when I stormed in the house and questioned my husband, who said it was to keep the dog in the yard. OH that explains it, I didn't realize the dog learned how to open the gate. And I said something stupid like I don't care if the dog runs away....and he said Why don't you run away...... I did. Like I can really go anywhere and do anything with absolutely no money. But I did take a long drive.
What it comes down to is that I am with my husband 24 hours a day 7 days a week...and I'm sorry but this could strain the greatest of marriages. We were barely hanging on to begin with. Yes we are dealing with an awful situation where I need to be here. My husband needs the help and my kids need me to be mom. It is a strain mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. Most days I don't know how I do all this....some days I don't want to and wish I didn't have to. I'm not going to lie and say that my husband getting sick and having this horrible disease that is slowing killing him has made us closer. We have resolved things. I love him because he is the father of our children. That's not going to change, he is an important part of my life. But we still have the same issues now that we have always had. And I still get angry with him and we still have arguments. Mentally I can deal with all of this as long as I can get away by myself for a little bit so I can get over it. But my body is not dealing....this last week has been so stressful that my blood pressure has been way too high and I've been having some chest pains. Scary? Uh....yea. I've already changed my diet, but I need something to relax more. I decided on my drive today that once school starts I'm going to look for a part time job. I think Todd will be fine If I work a few hours a week. I don't even care what it is...I just need to get away from what I'm dealing with even for a short time.
One of the hard parts about being a caregiver, is taking care of yourself. I know it's important to find time for myself, it's not as easy as it sounds, and I've struggled for the last 9 months to find any kind of balance. Because of this last week it's a necessity. I need to find time for myself....I need to find some balance.. and I understand now how very important that is.
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