I admit it, I've cracked...gone nuts....I've simply had enough. I can't find balance. Pretending to be happy..OK...when I know people really don't want to hear everyday that I have a bad day doesn't always work. Because no one really knows what to say. I honestly don't know if I would know what to say either. Should I go to therapy...probably...but I'm not spending money I don't have to talk to somebody who at the end of the day, really doesn't care.
For a few weeks now the lava in my personal volcano has been building. My son, who I love with all my heart, is going to drive me insane. The other day I went to lunch with my mom and sisters and I got a text from him saying. "Mom...you need to call dad and wake him up he's been falling asleep in the garage for hours." I'm sorry....was it too hard for him to get off the couch and walk a few feet?! Later when I picked him up from work and he said, "So, did dad survive today?" I lost it....I blew... When I informed him that if he expected me to continue driving him to and from work he was going to start giving me gas money, he told me I should be doing it out of the kindness of my own heart because I'm his mom. Deep Breathe..... A couple of days later when I decided to take a drive by myself to clear my head he got mad because I wasn't home to drive him up the road to a place maybe 5 miles away. A place he could have, and has in the past ridden his bike to. He was pissed....and I turned my phone off. I apparently have done a huge disservice to my almost 18 year old son who seems to think the world needs to stop when he wants it to. Between him and my husband I have been pushed so far past my limits and I've been functioning at such a high level of frustration that I feel like I just want to give up.
My husband...the fact that he doesn't even get when he's being selfish....kills me. Truth...I don't ask for birthday presents for a reason, because I know we don't have the extra money to spend. So on my birthday my husband bought me a card and a bag of granola....and he bought HIMSELF a couple of new shirts and a few things he thought he needed. Wow... OK... HUGE TMI...if you don't want to know this much about me close your eyes...read no further at least the next couple of lines. Here's MY selfish side. I happen to like sex. (Sorry this is part of my reality and I'm sure I'm not alone). I know there's a lot of women who could care less when it comes to this. I'm not one of those women...it's been a very long time (years before he was in the hospital) and I really...really miss it. Imagine laying next to your significant other night after night, for days, weeks, months years. Feeling like there is a wall between you. No intimacy...no physical contact....nothing except maybe an occasional kiss good night. The silent 'what's wrong with me' tears only happen for the first few months and then resentment year after lonely year, until we've gotten to a place where it is too late to ever go back. Love cannot survive when we are selfish, when we don't recognize each others needs. My husband and I are too different. We don't fit together.
So I've finally hit my limit, I feel like I just want to disappear. Depression has finally caught up with me and I'm too tired to care anymore. Yes if you see me, I'm still going to have a smile on my face, I'm still going to tell you everything is fine. Why? Because that's just who I am. Life still happens. I still have moments in between the tears that make me happy. Life as it always does will still go on. And because I've shown enough "crazy" for a while, I think my blog is going to go on hold....for now anyway...
(((hugs)))
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