This year I put myself out there. I started a blog, because I needed to get out of my head everything that was driving me crazy. I stopped worrying so much about what people thought of me. My emotions have been all over the place. It's been nothing short of the craziest roller coaster ride that I could ever experience. And while I can't say that I've loved the ride, I can say I have loved moments and I've learned a lot about myself this year....good, bad and ugly.
Drama....There has been far too much of it in my life lately. I HATE drama. When it comes right down to it, some of it is unavoidable, the rest we create ourselves. I can't believe how much drama I've created this year, to the point there are days I can't stand myself. So I have trials that happen far too often than I like.....and that makes me special? I think not. We all have trials, I'm not going to hide in my house and pretend nothing is wrong. But there has to be a happy medium. I didn't create my blog for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just had too much that I had a hard time dealing with and I needed to get it out. This coming year there will be far less drama.
I can't please everyone....My in laws will never like me. For the life of me I don't know why....and I finally had to stop worrying about it. I don't know if they hated me from the very beginning and just let it build up over the years or if it started after Todd got sick and they just didn't want to believe me. Maybe my father in-law is going nuts as he gets older. I know that it has progressed to anyone that challenges him gets disowned from the family. My oldest son being the latest to have to deal with his tyranny. The two of us have officially been banned from any family functions. When I heard that one, it sealed my decision to not allow my children around him anymore. Todd's family has been a huge source of crap for me this year so I'm letting them go. I'm not allowing their negativity in my life anymore. We don't have to like everyone.
I'm not a very nice person sometimes.... This year has been a year of finding myself, unfortunately I found my complete bitch side. The side that stopped giving a damn about certain people in my life's feelings. I don't like that side....that's not me. It's in my nature to worry about the people in my life....to care. Me turning against those natural feelings left me unsettled and angry a lot. I've had too many moments of complete anger and I'm not ok with that. I'm working on this one.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure.....because this is honestly how I feel sometimes. I'm a failure in my marriage...at love...raising my kids...losing weight. I don't always feel this way just when I'm at my lowest. Being home, not working only reinforces these feelings. Which leads into.....
I'm not a good stay at home mom......Sure....I love not having to go to work everyday....the thought of having to look for a job right now is giving me more anxiety than I care to think about....and I've been sleeping like crap. I've been home being a care giver and taking care of everything for the last year.....and I have become LAZY....I've gained weight, I eat crappy, I hate cleaning, so I'm not getting up to clean the house just because I'm home. Winter makes everything 10 times worse because I can't even escape to the outdoors to work in my garden or sit outside. I'm broke so it's not like I can just go shopping and spend money. I'm stuck in my house and truth is I feel like I'm doing good if I get out of bed and take a shower sometime during the day. Don't get me wrong I've loved spending time with my kids...we've done a lot of fun things together during the last year, but, when I go back to work I will be returning back to grumpy...tired mom. I don't know how to make this work. The kids are older so it's not so bad, but I don't want them to feel like I'm neglecting their needs. When it all comes down to it.....I need money...now....therefore working is my only choice whether I like it or not and it's time for me to go back.
I'm an advice giver.....not so much an advice taker......I love all the advice I've been given, I do. I don't get offended by it, because I know everyone has great intentions. Trust me I've given out my fair share of it....to my children it would be referred to as lectures. I am the queen of lectures...I could go on for days. But when it comes right down to it those of us who give out advice see things from the outside and usually from one side unless we are personally involved with what is going on. And although I love all of you in my life and am very happy for your friendship....unless I ask....I don't want any advice. This journey is mine....for good or for bad.....my lessons to be learned, my heartache to deal with....and in order to continue to find me....I have to deal with most of this stuff on my own.
I am worth something and I am good enough.....I saw a post on facebook the other day, a girl had said something to her friend about hanging in there...not worrying...that the right guy will come along one day. The friend responded with thanks....but I doubt it, I'm just not good enough for anyone. This makes me crazy, and sad at the same time. Why would anyone think they are not good enough for anyone....then I remember after years of not dating, I felt the exact same way once upon a time. It's taken me a lot of years to realize I am good enough. I've been married....I've gone through heartache like I've never felt before....I'm still going through that. I'm not giving up just because I've failed at marriage. I thought I found my soul mate a couple of years ago....maybe I was wrong....he's moved on with his life, and rightly so. I'm worth something....but I can't have everything that I want just because it's what I want. Life doesn't work like that...and I'm absolutely sure there is a reason for it. But I do know with absolute certainty that I deserve to be loved and cared for unconditionally and even if my heart is broken over and over I will still believe this and I won't give up.
Forgiveness is the key....It ultimately unlocks the chains that are holding you to all the pain you are feeling and sets you free. It's been a long year of fighting, anger, sadness the unknown. I've decided on separation and divorce and wanting Todd out of my life. I've learned I can't write things when I'm in the middle of a moment of anger. The truth is Todd is staying right here where he is. No our marriage isn't any different, we've been in a phase of friendship for so long that we've never had a real marriage. To make him go.....means I'm saying I don't care....like I said above, that's not me. I can't do it and feel ok with my decision. Sometimes I hate that I care too much, especially when it's for a person that has caused me so much frustration....it's in the past. Like I said forgiveness is the key. Todd is still very sick, he sleeps about 16 hours a day. I probably won't mention him very much anymore. I'm still figuring all this out myself, I can't love him the way he loves me....but I still care and I'll still take care of him if he needs me to. He's burned a lot of bridges in his life, it's his own fault....and he's alone.
Not all people who are strong have their lives in order, it just appears that way sometimes. People tell me I'm strong all the time. I can tell you my life is definitely not in order. I smile because I like to smile, I like to make people smile. I like being happy. I smile even when I'm crying on the inside. The people who really know me know the difference. I do cry a lot behind closed doors, because the truth is lately all the crap that has been hitting me has been too much, and I've kept most of it to myself.
By far the most important thing I've learned this year is who I am. It's been a journey I won't soon forget and one that I will still continue, because life is ever changing. I don't know what is around the corner, I don't know which path I will choose. I know I'm looking forward to it and to all the experiences that will come with it. There will always be challenges, they are far from over in this house. We still have a lot to get through. Just as important as learning who I am......is learning that what ever trials come my way I can face them head on and overcome them. Here's to a new year of learning and discovery......
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