One day left......deep breath in......and out. I really have no idea how I'm feeling about all of this. I have to admit I'm a little bit anxious. It's not like being a working mom is new to me. The last year and a half is the longest I've gone without a job.....at least as far as I can remember....(My memory is crap). I've probably said at least a hundred times now, life is always changing, and we are constantly readjusting. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have to constantly adjust to life changes. I think I would get bored very quickly. I don't typically plan anything too far in advance, I do things spur of the moment....or last minute. Although I have to admit it would be nice if life slowed down just a little bit.
So here I am, going back to my job that I left a year and a half ago. I'm going back to the same schedule I worked when I left. I'm going back to late nights and little sleep. (although summer is almost here so I'll have a little relief). None of this is new. When I first started this job, I was working 6-10 hour shifts 5 days a week (I started right at a busy time). I was getting home between 4 and 8 in the morning. Todd was working construction driving a dump truck and was working 12 to 15 hour shifts. Many mornings I was calling him, and telling him I was 5 minutes from home and it was ok for him to leave. Our kids were still little. My youngest was barely a year old. I slept when he took naps....sometimes not at all. I left for work after I put everyone to bed. I look back at those times and in some ways now seems much easier. Ok I don't know if I would say easier......different....but definitely not harder. I call it my survival mode. Back then I had little ones. Now everyone is in school, but I have more things I have to take care of. I'm still a mom....and a caregiver. I still have to make sure everyone is where they need to be. I still have doctor's appointments that I have to take Todd to. I still have to do everything I've been doing for the last year and a half and add work on top of it. Can I do it? Well, of course I can. This isn't why I've been feeling anxious. Am I going to miss getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night? You better believe it, but I'll deal with it. So what's with the little bit of anxiety I'm feeling? I worry about the hours I'll be gone before everyone is in bed for the night. I worry about Todd and our oldest son not getting along. (I'm usually the mediator). I worry about my two middle kids having way more responsibility dumped on them than they need or deserve right now. I worry about my youngest, having to get used to me not being there every night. I worry about Todd deciding he needs to go to the store for something and him not being awake/alert enough to be driving. I worry that something will happen that might be too hard for the kids to handle. This is all just part of my world right now, and stuff I don't need to worry about 90% of the time. Everything is still up in the air. I don't know what Todd's health is going to be like in a month or 3 months or a year. So the reality is, my worrying is a little bit silly....for the most part. But that 10% of the time is why I'm a little anxious. I'm hoping that the transition back to work goes smoothly, and, I think it will be. I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It's not my favorite place, but it came up right when I needed it, and I just have to see how it goes.
Like I said, being a working mom isn't new to me. Over all I've really enjoyed being home. Yes, we've had a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, frustrations, tears, arguments. It's been crazy and fun and frustrating. We've had some really good moments and some that I would rather not relive. If I'm being honest, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for good. The reality is, I probably never will be again, and I would probably go a little bit nuts. I need to have something I'm doing that gets me out of my house for a while. Adjustments.....it's part of life. It might be a rough first month, but here goes nothing...
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