The last year and a half my patience level has been at an all time low. I always considered myself a fairly patient person.....and then I got married....and had children....and my patience was cut about in half. The last year and a half I have been pushed beyond my limits and then some. I think most of it is I'm just mentally tired of everything. I could really use a vacation.....by myself....which won't happen anytime soon.....but I can dream. Going back to work is proving to be a rough transition, I never expected it to be easy. Cirrhosis is a nasty disease. When your liver doesn't function as it should you get ammonia that builds up, this goes to your brain. Dangerous yes, it can kill you. It can be somewhat controlled by medication, if you remember to take it. It makes it so you have a hard time remembering things. It makes you a little confused. It makes you shaky and unbalanced. All the time....no. Inconvenient times, like when your spouse gets home from work in the wee hours of the morning and she wants to sleep, but can't because the lights are on and the tv is on and you think you need to eat because you're starving at 3am, followed by smoking, falling asleep in the garage for a period of time and then thinking you need to eat again......repeat a few times....not actually getting into bed for 24 hours straight or longer. Which then means fluid starts building up in your legs and you end up in a ton of pain. These are the hard.....really, really hard days. These are the days I usually start spouting off about stupid crap because I'm tired. Like....."I asked you to check my tires. Seriously I don't get how you can go walk around a store for hours, but you can't pull a stupid hose out of the garage and check my tires for me?!" "What if I get in an accident on my way home from work in the middle of the night because my tires are low?" Ummm yea.....like I've never checked my own tires and put air in them before. In my head I was even telling myself to shut up. About an hour after that, he came and told me he checked my tires....they were absolutely fine (like he had tried to tell me)....and I felt like an Ass.
Todd and I are complete opposites, and one of my tired tirades recently I lost it with him. No clue what started it. Opposites attract.... that saying is so overused. They only attract until you realize you can't stand doing anything that the person you're attracted to likes doing. If you like them enough you learn to bend, this has to go both ways. When one person bends and the other doesn't.....it doesn't work so well. How can you be with someone for over 16 years and they have no clue who you really are or what you like or don't like? For years we did family things like....monster truck shows, and state fairs, watched wrestling, motor cross racing, car racing... stuff..... I HATE with a passion all of those things......HATE them...but I participated because we were doing things as a family and I was willing to bend. Whenever we did anything, even just the two of us, we did things he liked. Why? Because he never liked my suggestions. I love concerts, plays, musicals, dancing, basketball, nice restaurants. Most of the time you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt, I have absolutely no sense of style....and I'm totally ok with that. I absolutely hate shopping, Todd thinks it's because I don't want to spend time with him.....yea I've hated shopping my whole life. But, once in a while I would love to put on a dress and high heels and go out somewhere nice and feel like a woman. I would love to be able to go to a real salon and get my hair and nails done. I haven't been to a real salon or done any of these things since before.....before I got married. However, I'm also a home body. I couldn't do those things all the time. I like being home and just doing nothing sometimes. That's probably the one thing Todd and I have in common. I finally hit a point where I was tired of being the only one who ever compromises, and I blew up....and he sat there, never saying a word. Why now? I don't have a clue, we haven't gone out and done anything together for years, but when I'm tired it's best not to push one of my buttons, because who knows what's really going on in my head at that moment. Yes I was being an ass again....I've gotten pretty good at it, nothing to cheer about. He's happy just being with me, sitting next to me, but he's never really gotten to know me.....I don't understand how that happens. I guess we spent so much time doing everything he liked he just thought I would learn to like it too. I knew I couldn't change him....but still had it in the back of my head that I would. HA....I guess he was thinking the same way.....and it's never going to happen. Yet another lesson learned. And when I'm tired.....it's probably best to slowly back away.....turn....and run.
No comments:
Post a Comment