Change is Constant

When I met my husband and decided to marry him, I knew there were things about him that I was going to have a hard time with.  The fact that he smoked, and drank, and didn't go to church regularly, were just a few.  No matter.... I...was going to change him.  Yes..yes I had been told all my life you can't change anyone.  But see, I am not like everyone else, they were doing it wrong.  I, knew I could do it.   Two years into marriage after reality slapped me in the face a few hundred times, I admitted to defeat.  My world that I was going to make "perfect" became a crumbling mess.   My husband Todd has an addictive personality.  He gives up one thing and starts on another.  He has been (still is because an addict is always an addict) addicted to Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, video games, shopping,....etc...

It is Todd's 45th birthday tomorrow....and I am glad he is here to celebrate another.  I decided two days ago to take him out shopping for a birthday present.  Now...just so you know.  I am woman who HATES to shop....hates it.  The only way I can shop is if I know what I need and I can walk into a store buy it and leave in the shortest amount of time possible.  I don't wander looking at things, and if I do it's for maybe 15 minutes.  I married a man who could go shopping everyday of his life all day long and nothing would make him happier.  He likes to wander, he likes to walk up and down every aisle in a store and look at everything, because heaven forbid he misses seeing anything.  I personally think it's torture to walk through a store if I don't have money to buy anything.....not for him.   So he decided he wanted to go to Best Buy.  I prepared myself, but knowing that's it's not that big of a store, I thought 30 minutes if he is looking at something he wants.  This is where I smack myself on the head and say... Angela, you are freaking idiot....30 minutes....right...  One hour and 30 minutes later, I was wandering the store trying to keep myself (seriously) from completely losing it.  I should have had a back up plan for myself, I should have left and sat in the car and played Candy Crush or something.....I lost it..  This trip out, ended very badly.  I don't know what it is, something in my brain snaps, my anxiety and blood pressure rise. I am NOT a good shopping buddy.  We were even going to go to dinner, and I was so done by the time I walked out of  Best Buy, that I told him to just pick something we could take home for everyone.  And this is where Karma gets me for being a Bitch.  After stopping at Wendy's and getting food I put my drink on the center console....not in the cup holder...and I started driving...and it dropped below my feet...and spilled....everywhere. Whatever swear words you can think of  pretty much came out of my mouth...loudly...repeatedly.  

Change is constant.....I may not be able to change my husbands behaviors, but I sure as heck have control over changing my own.  I have made a lot of changes over the last couple of years...for the better.  We should always be trying to better ourselves.  I read an article by Matt Walsh last week titled If I Can't Accept You at Your Worst, Then Maybe You Should Stop Being So Horrible.   When Todd quit drinking 5 1/2 years ago, he changed.  He became more mellow, he wasn't as paranoid or controlling as he had been.  It's hard to describe all the changes without going into a lot of specifics in our marriage....things that I just put up with because we were married and I didn't have enough confidence or self worth to leave.  So when he quit drinking,  I started to "get back" at him.  I was angry, because I thought once he quit, our marriage would get better, he would pay attention to me more....we might actually have sex, and nothing happened he was the same just more mellow.  So I started talking to a guy I knew from when I was younger online, developed a long distance relationship with him....fell in love.  (But I've been over this story before).  I got mean, and spiteful, and told my husband if he didn't like me the way that I was he was free to leave....I wasn't going to stop him.  I WANTED him to leave.  I look back at that time....and while (and this might be hard to understand) I have no regrets....I hated myself, and it all blew up in my face, and ended very badly.  I have no regrets, because everything we go through, we learn from.  I learned a lot about myself during that time, and I know I don't want to ever be that person again.  The good thing about life is change is constant.  The only person I am changing (bettering myself) for is me.  Because if I like me, chances are it works out for everyone around me.  "Does our "best" (which probably isn't as great as we imagine it to be) make up for, or negate, our "worst"? No. Your worst is your worst. Fix it. Be better. Nobody should have to put up with it. Least of all the people you love." --Matt Walsh   So....I apologized over and over to my husband for the other night, because I was truly awful, and really he shouldn't have to put up with it.  Truth is he should have divorced me for how I acted after he quit drinking....as much as I should have divorced him before he quit drinking.  We have the ultimate dysfunctional marriage.  I've been able to better myself in every way except for my patience with his shopping habits.  I'm still trying to figure that one out.  The point is he was willing to change some of his behaviors, because he started to see how they affected me, and now that I've come to terms with everything and let go of things I can't control I've been able to change also.  We should never stop improving on ourselves, there is always something we can work on.  And maybe one day I'll figure out how to control my tantrums if I have to be in a single store for longer than I feel is necessary.