I've Learned to Accept Being Different...

I'm very much an introvert.  I like being at home. As much as the Leo side of me thinks going out somewhere that  I would have to mingle, and get to know people would be fun, the real me....the introvert me hates these things.   I've always had a hard time fitting in.  Growing up a Mormon in New Jersey, and being shy....was really tough sometimes.  I felt like I was the "weird kid".   I never knew what to say, when I was at a friends house for the first time and I was offered iced tea to drink.....because everyone in New Jersey has iced tea in their fridge.  "No thank you, I can't drink that."  "Why?"  "I just can't....it's against my religion.".  "Why?" ......I have no idea, I'm 8 and this is what I've been taught.  Why this particular thing sticks in my head, I have no idea, but it had to have been one that was slightly traumatic for me.  I hated having to say I couldn't have something or do something because my religion didn't allow it.  I wanted to avoid talking about my religion growing up, so I avoided people.  I didn't want anyone asking me about Mormons, I didn't want to be a missionary.  I didn't really understand what was so different about my religion from any other anyway.   So, I always sat on the outside, and I stayed in my comfort zone. I didn't go to parties or hang out with anyone as I got older, after school.  It was so silly, that I let this one thing control my life.  When I moved to Utah, I thought.....well, maybe I will finally feel like I fit in....you know because Utah is full of Mormons and I'm a Mormon....so that's a similarity.  I won't have to answer questions about my religion, because everybody is a Mormon here. (That's totally not true by the way).   I came to Utah to go to college two years before my family decided to move here.  I was surrounded by people who were just like me.....not really.....and I felt completely....out of place.  Moving to Utah, was a shock to my system.  I have to go to church with the people I live next door to, and every person on the same street and in the same area?  I know it's a weird thing for me to have a hard time with....but I had a hard time with that.  After moving here I started going to church only occasionally.  When I was 21, I was sitting in church singing a hymn, and knew I needed to go on a mission.  The feeling was so strong that I had tears running down my cheeks.   I went in to talk to my bishop at the time, who told me I needed to go home and pray a little harder about it.   I walked out of his office so discouraged... Why was he advising me to pray harder, I already had my answer?  I never went back to his office, I retreated back to my comfort zone, only went to church once in awhile.....and a couple of years later I married my husband.



 The one thing I love about Utah, is the mountains.  Nothing for me is more relaxing than driving through them and taking in their beauty.

I've learned over the years, that I don't have to be in a building on a Sunday to know God loves me, and to feel his love for me.  All I need is a sense of peace.  Yes I feel that at church, but I also feel it here, and most times more strongly.  I felt very much alone after moving here.  More alone than I had ever felt in my life.  I was still the "weird kid",  because I was from out of state, except now I was an adult, and......I don't know,  I just felt like I didn't belong.   When I still lived at home, I would sit on the front steps or look out of  the front window, and I could see across the
valley.  I had a perfect view of this mountain.  I loved looking out at it, something about it spoke to me. I guess it was the fact that all around me are mountains, the peaks all rising next to each other.  This mountain has one peak all by itself.  It is my favorite.  That peak, is me.  It has meant different things to me over the years.  At the beginning I identified it as being lonely.  I didn't know where to fit, so I kept to myself.  I was afraid of venturing out of my comfort zone. Now when I drive past it as I'm going to work, I identify it as strength.  I have been on what has felt like a very long journey. Everything I have been through has made me who I am today. The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am still standing and stronger than I've ever been.  I live in a great neighborhood, that is probably 99% Mormon (Ok I don't know the actual numbers), and I'm married to a man who is an alcoholic, who smokes.  I don't attend church very often, but my kids do.  I don't really want to,  and over the years sometimes that has made things a little challenging.  I've dealt with ignorance and I've felt acceptance.  I don't want to go to church for 3 weeks in a row, and have the Bishop call me into his office and ask me to be a teacher...or cub scout leader...or (heaven forbid) have to be in the nursery.  If I go, I just want to enjoy being there. I'm kind of lazy and selfish like that. I like my religion....I like how simple it is, but I have no desire what so ever to have a calling, and I don't always agree with everything we are taught.  I also get a little irritated when people assume I've forgotten everything I have ever learned....just because I haven't been to church in a few years.  I'm old and my memory is bad....but come on, it's not that bad. Maybe in the future I will change once again.  I still have a hard time discussing religion, I still avoid it.....I still don't want to be a missionary.  However I will talk about spirituality, and feeling a peace in my life, that makes me happy.  Right now I like discovering who I am.  I am different, I can accept that......and I'm not sure I would have it any other way.