I'm getting the feeling that this is a hard concept for people to grasp. I have amazing friends and family who I know are worried about me. I know they care about me so much they just want me to be happy and not have to deal with all this crap anymore. And I love ALL of them for it. But I need people to listen to me, to hear me, to believe me. I'm not blowing smoke, when I say I am genuinely happy. Yes, I have a teenage son, who learned yesterday that this mom is not taking or putting up with his crap anymore. If he has to spend every other week at the detention center, so be it. It's time for him to take responsibility for his actions. Yes I have a husband who I told I want a divorce because I'm done in every way. But I'm not looking for pity or for anyone to feel bad for me or advice on what I should or should not do. Are you kidding? Be happy for me. I just took over my life, I finally got strong enough to be in charge, to have a voice, to take complete control . Jump for joy.
Truth is....
... I mourned the death of my marriage, years ago. I kept things hidden because my stubborn pride kept me from talking about divorce. There were a lot of people from the beginning who knew that this was going to happen. I wanted in every way to prove them all wrong. And dammit I tried to stick it out.
... Todd and I married to each other are toxic.....me removing myself from everything and only having responsibility for myself and my children, means we can still be friends. We've actually been best friends our whole marriage....more than being an actual married couple. Deciding that being friends is the better choice, has helped in many ways.
... I don't know that I've ever been "in love" with Todd.... I know I fell in love with another man 3years ago. I know that when that ended it was harder to deal with than my marriage falling apart. I still wish everyday when I wake up in the morning it will be the day that I get a message that says "Hey what are you doing?" I miss talking to him and laughing with him, so much some days it hurts. Do I think that will happen? The chances are pretty slim. But as much as I want to hear from him.....I don't need to hear from him to keep moving. I'm not at a stand still.
... I'm going to get on with my life....I really would like to remember what sex is like. (Sorry just being real).
... Yes Todd can be an absolute Ass....I've called him this on many...many occasions. But believe me when I tell you that I've had my moments when I've been a first class Bitch. And the select few who have witnessed this would agree with me. Not my most attractive quality and thankfully it doesn't surface very often. All I'm saying is we all have faults and I'm learning (very slowly) to stop judging.
... I have to thank Todd. All the challenges we have faced, all the crap we've been through, going through Hell and back multiple times, have helped me become the person I am today. I am glad I'm not that little girl afraid to step into the world and live my life. I have been knocked on my Ass over and over and over again...and I each time I get back up....because each time I'm a little bit stronger. You can be damn sure this girl isn't going down without a fight. Just ask my older brother who I used to have boxing matches with. Who would shake his head while I was on the ground asking me if I gave up....it wasn't ever over until the tears started. ( Just a sidenote....my dad brought boxing gloves home from the casino he worked at...we thought it was fun to have fake boxing matches. My brother is 3 years older than me and I can guarantee he never hit me very hard. ;o) )
... As sad as it was to have my Mother in Law pass away completely unexpectedly, I'm glad she went before her son. I'm hoping that her being on the other side helps when it's his time.
... I don't know where I'll be in another year or two or three or whenever. I'm kind of looking forward to the journey. New experiences, new lessons to be learned, new people to meet.
... I love being surrounded by positive energy. I have amazing people in my life, and I appreciate every single one of them.
... I hate self help books....dvds....cd's...you name it. Anytime I've heard any of these people speak I think... "Well Duh"....to me this stuff is all common sense, and I never understand why people think it is so mind blowing. Don't ever offer me any self help...anything. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I do know I have a lot of common sense which I think helps me in a lot of ways. I knew my marriage was crap from the beginning. But I wanted a family...I wanted the happily ever after...and I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Just because I have common sense, doesn't mean I don't make stupid decisions.
... I still get angry, I don't let it take over my life. Get angry, get it out, get over it. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be miserable. I like smiling, I like helping people, and I like being happy.
... I'm thankful everyday for what I have. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my kitchen. I have 4 kids who mean the world to me. I have my health. I look around and know that things could be far worse. Yes life has been hard. It's how we deal with what we are given that makes all the difference in the world.
... I'm relieved, I feel empowered, I am in control, I am dealing with life the best most positive way that I can. I'm still going to have bad days....nobody has good days everyday...I'm not superhuman. And I'm.....Happy. Be happy for me. <3
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Truth is.....
To say that it's been a Hell of a week would be a huge understatement. It's been one of those weeks, that I question everything about my marriage. I've looked back at my life and wished I could change things..
Truth is...
...My husband screwed up royally and broke a promise he made to me years ago.
...Addiction sucks...and it felt like it was too easy for him to throw everything away.
...Maybe I was looking for an excuse to say the words I've wanted to say for so many years. Maybe I was waiting for him to screw up.
...I'm not innocent either....and when I unleashed all my anger on him, I told him I should have gotten on a plane 3 years ago when I had the chance.
...It's going to be a while before I trust anyone completely again.
...In my eyes my marriage is over, but honestly we haven't had a real husband/wife relationship....ever.
...I've always taken care of 80% of what goes on in this house....and I've hated it....but I'm used to it. I've felt like a single parent for years.
...I have a teenage son who is breaking my heart....who is making all the wrong decisions....and is following in his father's footsteps.
...I've given up for the most part on trying to parent him, because he doesn't want to listen to anyone. And because of that, he is currently sitting in the Juvenile detention center.
...I'm OK with it, because at least I know where he is. And because of that I feel like the worst parent in the world and I've failed miserably.
...I feel cheated because I should be talking to my son about graduation and what he's planning on doing next year....and instead I'm going to court with him.
...None of this is anything new, It's been stuff that has been going on for a while. Sometimes, it just hurts more than other times.
...I don't regret for a second adopting him.
...I have a hard time making decisions, which is why I never graduated from college. I would much rather have someone decide things for me.
...I hate hurting people. I think about other people's feelings maybe too much. I avoid confrontations.
...I'm incredibly stubborn, I hate asking for help, unless it's something I absolutely can't do. I like knowing I can do things myself. I like knowing I can handle it. There have been only a few times I've been so overwhelmed that I let people do things for me.
...I'm really easy going and I love having deep conversations about life and death and what goes on in our heads.
...I don't smile 24/7....but I'm not miserable 24/7 either.
...I don't know why people tell me I'm amazing.....I'm not functioning or doing anything out of the ordinary. I'm just living this crazy life that I walked into, and even though there are days that are really hard, for the most part it's not that bad.
...I love music...it can change my mood. I even love going to Junior high concerts that my kids have been in. Even when they sound awful it still can bring tears to my eyes. I love to sing....I sing with my kids all the time.
...I love to laugh and I make sure I laugh with my kids often...another great mood changer. My kids are goofy and dorky and sometimes a little nuts...and I love it. You haven't experienced life until you're driving down the freeway, the "Gangnam style" song comes on the radio the sound gets turned up....and all the kids start doing the gangnam style dance....while all the people in the cars near you are looking at you like you're crazy. These moments are the ones I live for.
...I'm doing OK....better than OK. I finally feel like I've said the things I've been feeling for too long. I'm OK with things for the most part... the rest will come with time.
...I'm a different person than I was 15 1/2 years ago... I know who I am...
...You can laugh...you can cry...or you can get angry. I would much rather be laughing than crying. I would much rather be living my life than sulking and feeling sorry for myself.
Truth is....life is going to be different from here on out....and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Truth is...
...My husband screwed up royally and broke a promise he made to me years ago.
...Addiction sucks...and it felt like it was too easy for him to throw everything away.
...Maybe I was looking for an excuse to say the words I've wanted to say for so many years. Maybe I was waiting for him to screw up.
...I'm not innocent either....and when I unleashed all my anger on him, I told him I should have gotten on a plane 3 years ago when I had the chance.
...It's going to be a while before I trust anyone completely again.
...In my eyes my marriage is over, but honestly we haven't had a real husband/wife relationship....ever.
...I've always taken care of 80% of what goes on in this house....and I've hated it....but I'm used to it. I've felt like a single parent for years.
...I have a teenage son who is breaking my heart....who is making all the wrong decisions....and is following in his father's footsteps.
...I've given up for the most part on trying to parent him, because he doesn't want to listen to anyone. And because of that, he is currently sitting in the Juvenile detention center.
...I'm OK with it, because at least I know where he is. And because of that I feel like the worst parent in the world and I've failed miserably.
...I feel cheated because I should be talking to my son about graduation and what he's planning on doing next year....and instead I'm going to court with him.
...None of this is anything new, It's been stuff that has been going on for a while. Sometimes, it just hurts more than other times.
...I don't regret for a second adopting him.
...I have a hard time making decisions, which is why I never graduated from college. I would much rather have someone decide things for me.
...I hate hurting people. I think about other people's feelings maybe too much. I avoid confrontations.
...I'm incredibly stubborn, I hate asking for help, unless it's something I absolutely can't do. I like knowing I can do things myself. I like knowing I can handle it. There have been only a few times I've been so overwhelmed that I let people do things for me.
...I'm really easy going and I love having deep conversations about life and death and what goes on in our heads.
...I don't smile 24/7....but I'm not miserable 24/7 either.
...I don't know why people tell me I'm amazing.....I'm not functioning or doing anything out of the ordinary. I'm just living this crazy life that I walked into, and even though there are days that are really hard, for the most part it's not that bad.
...I love music...it can change my mood. I even love going to Junior high concerts that my kids have been in. Even when they sound awful it still can bring tears to my eyes. I love to sing....I sing with my kids all the time.
...I love to laugh and I make sure I laugh with my kids often...another great mood changer. My kids are goofy and dorky and sometimes a little nuts...and I love it. You haven't experienced life until you're driving down the freeway, the "Gangnam style" song comes on the radio the sound gets turned up....and all the kids start doing the gangnam style dance....while all the people in the cars near you are looking at you like you're crazy. These moments are the ones I live for.
...I'm doing OK....better than OK. I finally feel like I've said the things I've been feeling for too long. I'm OK with things for the most part... the rest will come with time.
...I'm a different person than I was 15 1/2 years ago... I know who I am...
...You can laugh...you can cry...or you can get angry. I would much rather be laughing than crying. I would much rather be living my life than sulking and feeling sorry for myself.
Truth is....life is going to be different from here on out....and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Keeping Things Honest...Open...and Real....
I've had a million things running through my head all day, and I've felt the need to write something....anything down. Yet again our life has shifted just a little. Todd out of nowhere Wednesday afternoon felt nauseated and really sick. I thought maybe it was something he ate although for the past few weeks he's had days sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the evenings when he has had a little bit of nausea. Wednesday night the vomiting started, continuing into the next day...blood...lots of blood...not a good sign. We are controlling it all with medication, and it means he will probably stay on hospice for now.
This week (in 4 days) also happens to be the anniversary of the day my dad died. My emotions have been in overdrive. When I lost my dad I was 17. It was sudden. There were no last good-byes or last I love yous. It floored us all and it's a day that for me is still hard to think about. I remember little details.....My mom talking on the phone to my dad's secretary.....being asked to pick up my younger sister from basketball practice at the middle school, telling myself over and over "Do NOT cry, you can't tell her", and then hearing her break down as she walked in the front door.....My brother's best friend walking in the front door...crying....and then sitting with me for what seemed like hours, although I have no idea how much time it really was, it could have been minutes.....Trying...even then to be stronger than I was capable of being. Having to go back to school, after 2 weeks, and not wanting to talk to anyone. It was uncomfortable and awkward and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it....and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. So I kept everything to myself and I cried myself to sleep every night for months.
As parents we want to keep our kids safe from all the bad things in the world. We put our little naive parental force field around them and think we can keep them inside of it. That whatever bad happens we can protect them from it with our strength a lone, that we can absorb all the pain. Don't I wish. I don't know what's worse, experiencing the sudden death of someone you love or watching someone you love deteriorate over time, watching them suffer, knowing what's coming.
When Todd got sick, we didn't really say anything to our kids, other than he's sick. And we probably had a talk about the affects of alcohol. For the most part I put up my shield. I knew what was going to happen eventually, I had researched and knew how serious it all was. They didn't need to know. When he got pneumonia and ended up in the ICU and we didn't know if he was going to make it, I had to sit down and have a conversation with my kids that I NEVER in my life wanted to have. It was hard, but I told myself from that point forward I was going to be completely honest with them. I told them exactly what was going on, I let them ask questions, and we all cried. They know what's going on now. I don't know how much it will help when the day comes that their dad isn't here. But, they know they can talk to me. And when that day comes if they don't talk to me....I will talk to them. This experience is hard for all of us. But the one thing I've learned is no matter how hard it is we keep our lines of communication...honest, open and real for their level of understanding. My youngest only understands that his daddy is very sick and my three teenagers understand....their dad is VERY sick. As parents we need to give a little credit to our kids. They understand and can handle sometimes more than we think. There are things in life my kids will have to learn on their own. But, I have learned I can't shelter them from everything. I can say I'm blessed with kids who talk, who tell me what's going on. Probably not everything....because what kid tells there parents everything. But enough that I hope I know what is going on with them. Life is hard....I don't want my kids to be scared to experience it....I want to help them find the tools to live it.
This week (in 4 days) also happens to be the anniversary of the day my dad died. My emotions have been in overdrive. When I lost my dad I was 17. It was sudden. There were no last good-byes or last I love yous. It floored us all and it's a day that for me is still hard to think about. I remember little details.....My mom talking on the phone to my dad's secretary.....being asked to pick up my younger sister from basketball practice at the middle school, telling myself over and over "Do NOT cry, you can't tell her", and then hearing her break down as she walked in the front door.....My brother's best friend walking in the front door...crying....and then sitting with me for what seemed like hours, although I have no idea how much time it really was, it could have been minutes.....Trying...even then to be stronger than I was capable of being. Having to go back to school, after 2 weeks, and not wanting to talk to anyone. It was uncomfortable and awkward and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it....and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. So I kept everything to myself and I cried myself to sleep every night for months.
As parents we want to keep our kids safe from all the bad things in the world. We put our little naive parental force field around them and think we can keep them inside of it. That whatever bad happens we can protect them from it with our strength a lone, that we can absorb all the pain. Don't I wish. I don't know what's worse, experiencing the sudden death of someone you love or watching someone you love deteriorate over time, watching them suffer, knowing what's coming.
When Todd got sick, we didn't really say anything to our kids, other than he's sick. And we probably had a talk about the affects of alcohol. For the most part I put up my shield. I knew what was going to happen eventually, I had researched and knew how serious it all was. They didn't need to know. When he got pneumonia and ended up in the ICU and we didn't know if he was going to make it, I had to sit down and have a conversation with my kids that I NEVER in my life wanted to have. It was hard, but I told myself from that point forward I was going to be completely honest with them. I told them exactly what was going on, I let them ask questions, and we all cried. They know what's going on now. I don't know how much it will help when the day comes that their dad isn't here. But, they know they can talk to me. And when that day comes if they don't talk to me....I will talk to them. This experience is hard for all of us. But the one thing I've learned is no matter how hard it is we keep our lines of communication...honest, open and real for their level of understanding. My youngest only understands that his daddy is very sick and my three teenagers understand....their dad is VERY sick. As parents we need to give a little credit to our kids. They understand and can handle sometimes more than we think. There are things in life my kids will have to learn on their own. But, I have learned I can't shelter them from everything. I can say I'm blessed with kids who talk, who tell me what's going on. Probably not everything....because what kid tells there parents everything. But enough that I hope I know what is going on with them. Life is hard....I don't want my kids to be scared to experience it....I want to help them find the tools to live it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
So....I've Been Seeing A Lot of Repeating Numbers Lately....
OK....If you didn't think I was a little "off" before, this post may or may not convince you that I am. When I say I've been seeing a lot of repeating numbers....I mean all the time. When I look at the clock...if I play a game they come up in my score...my totals at the grocery store......seriously...everywhere. Lately it has happened so often that I decided I needed to look it up. Something...somewhere in the Universe is trying to get my attention, and I just find this stuff incredibly interesting. Some of it I think is hokey and some I find completely fascinating. My repeating numbers I see all the time... 666, 555, 444, and 222. I searched and searched and finally just googled 444 because nothing else was coming up. I came up with this sight www.intuitivejournal.com. And I thought I would share a little because I thought it was kind of cool.
666... I'm starting with the one I was most scared about. This number comes up everywhere in my life, it always has. It's always bothered me. And this meaning I can live with..
666 - Your material desires are overshadowing your personal path right now. Re-evaluate what it is you think you want. Simplicity is key. You need less than you think you do to be happy. You may be asking the wrong questions of yourself.
555....I don't see this one as much, once in a while but as with the rest more so in the last few weeks.
555 - Changes are coming your way be ready to forge ahead with your plans. Be absolutely clear about what you want. Do not be afraid of changes in your life, welcome them instead. Although it may not seem like it, the change is for the better. Keep positive thoughts.
222...Same as above.
222 - The next step in the ladder, confirmation that your thoughts are aligned with truth and you should proceed with that thought.
444....This is the number that lately started...I guess weirding me out a little. Because it was one that I was seeing everyday for a few days in a row. And the reason why I finally decided I wanted to look all this up.
444 itself refers to an angelic presence surrounding you and taking comfort in the protection afforded you from the angels. Your angels are always near you, all you have to do is reach out to them with a thought, a thank you, or a wish or a prayer. No message goes unheard. You just may not get the answer in the form you expect. This may come in the form of music, a song on the radio, an Earth angel saying a specific phrase to you at just the right moment.
If you go to the website it goes into more depth about the meanings. And basically what I got out of it reaffirmed what I already know. Yes there are things I need to let go of....yes I have the ability to move forward and grasp change....and yes my angels are always around me. So there you go. I needed to do a post that wasn't too heavy. I'm heading into a week next week that is going to be hard for me on many levels. It's not just losing the support of hospice (for a while)...it is all happening on the anniversary of the day my dad died. Which isn't normally a great day for me anyway. But maybe all of the above happening in the last few weeks were just my angels saying...."Hey...we're still here and we aren't leaving you." :o)
666... I'm starting with the one I was most scared about. This number comes up everywhere in my life, it always has. It's always bothered me. And this meaning I can live with..
666 - Your material desires are overshadowing your personal path right now. Re-evaluate what it is you think you want. Simplicity is key. You need less than you think you do to be happy. You may be asking the wrong questions of yourself.
555....I don't see this one as much, once in a while but as with the rest more so in the last few weeks.
555 - Changes are coming your way be ready to forge ahead with your plans. Be absolutely clear about what you want. Do not be afraid of changes in your life, welcome them instead. Although it may not seem like it, the change is for the better. Keep positive thoughts.
222...Same as above.
222 - The next step in the ladder, confirmation that your thoughts are aligned with truth and you should proceed with that thought.
444....This is the number that lately started...I guess weirding me out a little. Because it was one that I was seeing everyday for a few days in a row. And the reason why I finally decided I wanted to look all this up.
444 itself refers to an angelic presence surrounding you and taking comfort in the protection afforded you from the angels. Your angels are always near you, all you have to do is reach out to them with a thought, a thank you, or a wish or a prayer. No message goes unheard. You just may not get the answer in the form you expect. This may come in the form of music, a song on the radio, an Earth angel saying a specific phrase to you at just the right moment.
If you go to the website it goes into more depth about the meanings. And basically what I got out of it reaffirmed what I already know. Yes there are things I need to let go of....yes I have the ability to move forward and grasp change....and yes my angels are always around me. So there you go. I needed to do a post that wasn't too heavy. I'm heading into a week next week that is going to be hard for me on many levels. It's not just losing the support of hospice (for a while)...it is all happening on the anniversary of the day my dad died. Which isn't normally a great day for me anyway. But maybe all of the above happening in the last few weeks were just my angels saying...."Hey...we're still here and we aren't leaving you." :o)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A Little Bump in the Road
The one thing I'm slowly learning about my life, is that I should never become too comfortable. Inevitably when I do life decides to flip me upside down, slap me around a little and dump me on my ass. I don't know why my life is like this. I wish I could say I had a perfect loving marriage to a man that takes care of me. My siblings don't realize just how jealous I am of them. I don't write about it for attention because I could really care less what people think of me. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. I write because for me to stay sane I need to get this all out of my head. And as weird as this sounds, for me to truly find myself...I needed to go on this journey. Although I can't say for sure, I probably would have had challenges, trials no matter who I was married to. Even though I don't know for sure what my purpose is here, I'm sure I'm on the right road.
I knew it was a possibility that Todd could be taken off of Hospice. He isn't going to get better, but he has plateaued, he isn't getting any worse. His blood work is just above where it needs to be to continue. Last week when it went from possibility to reality I had a little breakdown. I crumbled...I couldn't think, my world stopped for a moment. I sat and cried. Because all that was going through my head at that moment was...How am I going to do this? I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to hear that things were going to be OK. I didn't want to hear I would be fine. Because at that moment NOTHING was OK and I was NOT going to be fine. So I went for a drive (if you haven't noticed I do this a lot). However this was not one of those times I worked it all out in a couple of hours and felt better. I just needed to get away from my house, from everyone. For two days I cried, I slept like crap and I worried about what I do now. Everything is so up in the air. There is no time frame. I don't know how long he will be off of Hospice. I need to find a job, because we will have to start doctors appointments again. And my biggest worry....dealing with Todd. I'm losing my back up....when I have the arguments about him driving (which happen everyday), I will have no one to turn to, to say please help me out here. He is already making his plans to fix his van so he can drive again, because, "I AM driving again." Heaven help me. I apologize to any one in my neighborhood who is going to hear the arguing in advance. I don't know how I get a full time job without...A. leaving Todd alone for too many hours (as I walked in the kitchen this morning after he made himself pancakes and he was busy eating in the bedroom, only to find the stove and oven still on). and B. Putting more responsibility on my kids than they deserve right now. It's hard enough for me to take care of Todd, I don't want to put that on them.
You're expecting me to say now that I figured all of this out. Well no... I haven't. This is what I learned about myself this last week. The more I go through, the stronger I become. There are times I would love to curl up in a ball and disappear. I would love to say I prefer to be weak right now, because I don't want to deal with all this shit. I don't get that choice. Years ago if something like this were to happen it would probably have thrown me into a funk for months maybe years. Now after a couple of days (I know this kind of sounds silly), my inner strength kicks in. My brain...body...soul....says get up off of your ass and do something. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do know I will figure something out. We have hit a bump...OK it's not so little it's more of an average to large size bump, but still possible to get over...and we will.
I knew it was a possibility that Todd could be taken off of Hospice. He isn't going to get better, but he has plateaued, he isn't getting any worse. His blood work is just above where it needs to be to continue. Last week when it went from possibility to reality I had a little breakdown. I crumbled...I couldn't think, my world stopped for a moment. I sat and cried. Because all that was going through my head at that moment was...How am I going to do this? I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to hear that things were going to be OK. I didn't want to hear I would be fine. Because at that moment NOTHING was OK and I was NOT going to be fine. So I went for a drive (if you haven't noticed I do this a lot). However this was not one of those times I worked it all out in a couple of hours and felt better. I just needed to get away from my house, from everyone. For two days I cried, I slept like crap and I worried about what I do now. Everything is so up in the air. There is no time frame. I don't know how long he will be off of Hospice. I need to find a job, because we will have to start doctors appointments again. And my biggest worry....dealing with Todd. I'm losing my back up....when I have the arguments about him driving (which happen everyday), I will have no one to turn to, to say please help me out here. He is already making his plans to fix his van so he can drive again, because, "I AM driving again." Heaven help me. I apologize to any one in my neighborhood who is going to hear the arguing in advance. I don't know how I get a full time job without...A. leaving Todd alone for too many hours (as I walked in the kitchen this morning after he made himself pancakes and he was busy eating in the bedroom, only to find the stove and oven still on). and B. Putting more responsibility on my kids than they deserve right now. It's hard enough for me to take care of Todd, I don't want to put that on them.
You're expecting me to say now that I figured all of this out. Well no... I haven't. This is what I learned about myself this last week. The more I go through, the stronger I become. There are times I would love to curl up in a ball and disappear. I would love to say I prefer to be weak right now, because I don't want to deal with all this shit. I don't get that choice. Years ago if something like this were to happen it would probably have thrown me into a funk for months maybe years. Now after a couple of days (I know this kind of sounds silly), my inner strength kicks in. My brain...body...soul....says get up off of your ass and do something. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do know I will figure something out. We have hit a bump...OK it's not so little it's more of an average to large size bump, but still possible to get over...and we will.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Saturday Morning....
I don't know about everyone else in the world, but Saturday is usually clean the house day...at least in the morning. I don't get too picky about this because really my house is lived in and it will NEVER be completely clean. Every once in a while I get that cleaning bug where I get motivated to clean EVERYTHING....and by the time I finish with one room....I've gotten over my bug. My walls will never look perfect because I have a son who writes and draws on all of them. He is getting a little better about it, but every once in a while I see a new word or smiley face somewhere. I don't get upset about it...and sometimes I laugh. Three words at the top of my stairs in pink permanent marker.... Wii...Leapster...Penis...Tried to remove them....can't....and I'm not painting anytime soon. Maybe he was expressing three things that were important to him that day....who knows. We get a good laugh over it and go on with our day. (By the way anyone with ideas to remove marker from walls feel free to share).
Today has already been one of those interesting days, I got up and took my oldest son to work and on the way we actually had a real conversation. One that didn't involve the words....please...that's so unfair....can I....you always say no... I actually feel like we made a half step forward. When I got home and opened the front door to find my 14 year old son in a mid ninja like move with fly swatter in hand....I just laughed and walked up the stairs. As I got upstairs I could hear my youngest son talking in his room and I peeked in and saw him chatting away with his cars using different voices and making a movie with his leapster. When I said "good morning" to him....he jumped, looked at me, smiled and said... "Mom...don't scare me like that." When I looked in on my daughter....still sleeping room still a mess...I let her sleep (we would have negotiations later on when she would get her Ipod back) and I decided I really needed a workout today after the brownie, cookie, reeses peanut butter cup thing that I made last night that made me sick.
Right now as I'm writing my 14 yr old is helping his little brother clean his room (voluntarily)....and my daughter, because she really wants her Ipod back today instead of next week has agreed to finish her room, clean the kitchen, clean the living room and I told her she had to do 30 minutes on the elliptical (I threw that one in because sometimes I like being a smart ass). There is a radio turned up because my kids, like me need music to clean....it makes it so much more tolerable....and I think I'm going to attempt to clean my closet, but I'm going to go get me a diet coke first....No I haven't given up caffeine yet, but I am feeling better with other changes I have made. Have a great Saturday!
Today has already been one of those interesting days, I got up and took my oldest son to work and on the way we actually had a real conversation. One that didn't involve the words....please...that's so unfair....can I....you always say no... I actually feel like we made a half step forward. When I got home and opened the front door to find my 14 year old son in a mid ninja like move with fly swatter in hand....I just laughed and walked up the stairs. As I got upstairs I could hear my youngest son talking in his room and I peeked in and saw him chatting away with his cars using different voices and making a movie with his leapster. When I said "good morning" to him....he jumped, looked at me, smiled and said... "Mom...don't scare me like that." When I looked in on my daughter....still sleeping room still a mess...I let her sleep (we would have negotiations later on when she would get her Ipod back) and I decided I really needed a workout today after the brownie, cookie, reeses peanut butter cup thing that I made last night that made me sick.
Right now as I'm writing my 14 yr old is helping his little brother clean his room (voluntarily)....and my daughter, because she really wants her Ipod back today instead of next week has agreed to finish her room, clean the kitchen, clean the living room and I told her she had to do 30 minutes on the elliptical (I threw that one in because sometimes I like being a smart ass). There is a radio turned up because my kids, like me need music to clean....it makes it so much more tolerable....and I think I'm going to attempt to clean my closet, but I'm going to go get me a diet coke first....No I haven't given up caffeine yet, but I am feeling better with other changes I have made. Have a great Saturday!
Friday, September 7, 2012
A Need for Change...
OK....so I'm sitting here watching Dr. Oz. My house is quiet....the kids are all at school, Todd is sleeping. The subject that he was just talking about was Peri menopausal rage, and as they are talking about it, I'm sitting here in my head thinking...."Oh my gosh...that is me". I literally have times when I feel nuts. when I get angry.....seriously angry over nothing. I know my hormones are out of whack. I say horrible, awful things....my husband is usually the recipient of this....and then when it's over I FEEL AWFUL. I can get mad just because someone walks in the room at the wrong time. I don't know how many women out there go through this but at least I know I'm not the only one that this happens to. I'll give you an example....because you know I like to put myself out there. Conversation between Todd and I last week that set me off...
Todd... "Hey, do you think you can make the bed, I'm going to come in and lay down for a while?"
Me... "Can it wait until later? I don't really feel good, I can tell my blood pressure is high and I just want to lay here for a little while"
Todd starts making the bed around me, and I throw the covers off the bed and BOOM I blow up...
Me... "My blood pressure is high because I'm stressed out all the time and I'm going to end up having a heart attack and dying.....and YOU....even with your bad liver and diabetes....still smoke and live on junk food and your blood pressure is perfect....I don't get it!
Todd..."Gee Angie....I'm sorry I'm not dying fast enough for you.....
And then I went to my car...went for a drive and cried. Putting aside every problem in my marriage... That...is NOT me. We might have a lot of arguments, but I'm not normally mean.
So...solutions.....birth control....anti depressants.....or cut out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and I didn't catch all the supplements that you could take but I did hear Omega 3. Well there is no way in Hell that I'm starting on birth control again, anti depressants...I don't really want another pill. I've already accepted the fact I need to change my diet...alcohol...no worries there I don't drink....sugar I have mostly (98%) cut that out over the last 3 weeks....caffeine...Ugh.... If it helps at this point I have to be willing to try. I have 3 diet cokes left in my fridge....I have tried to give this up soooo many times in the past. I honestly don't know if I can do it, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy. I'm tired of anger and outbursts coming out of absolutely nowhere. So I have my chia seeds and my flax seeds and I'm going to seriously try to give up caffeine. Wish me luck..... And if there is anyone else out there who has experienced this and has any advice please...I'm begging for suggestions, because I'm tired of feeling....crazy.
Todd... "Hey, do you think you can make the bed, I'm going to come in and lay down for a while?"
Me... "Can it wait until later? I don't really feel good, I can tell my blood pressure is high and I just want to lay here for a little while"
Todd starts making the bed around me, and I throw the covers off the bed and BOOM I blow up...
Me... "My blood pressure is high because I'm stressed out all the time and I'm going to end up having a heart attack and dying.....and YOU....even with your bad liver and diabetes....still smoke and live on junk food and your blood pressure is perfect....I don't get it!
Todd..."Gee Angie....I'm sorry I'm not dying fast enough for you.....
And then I went to my car...went for a drive and cried. Putting aside every problem in my marriage... That...is NOT me. We might have a lot of arguments, but I'm not normally mean.
So...solutions.....birth control....anti depressants.....or cut out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and I didn't catch all the supplements that you could take but I did hear Omega 3. Well there is no way in Hell that I'm starting on birth control again, anti depressants...I don't really want another pill. I've already accepted the fact I need to change my diet...alcohol...no worries there I don't drink....sugar I have mostly (98%) cut that out over the last 3 weeks....caffeine...Ugh.... If it helps at this point I have to be willing to try. I have 3 diet cokes left in my fridge....I have tried to give this up soooo many times in the past. I honestly don't know if I can do it, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy. I'm tired of anger and outbursts coming out of absolutely nowhere. So I have my chia seeds and my flax seeds and I'm going to seriously try to give up caffeine. Wish me luck..... And if there is anyone else out there who has experienced this and has any advice please...I'm begging for suggestions, because I'm tired of feeling....crazy.
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