Three short years ago (it seems like it could have been months ago), I was in the best shape I've been since before I got married. I wasn't down to my smallest size ever, but I was feeling amazing, and even though I was still overweight I think I looked pretty good. I got looks, and compliments, and doors held open for me with smiles. What happened over the last 3 years makes me want to vomit. One thing after another, my world coming down all around me, and I gave up on exercise. Oh sure I would still workout one day here, one day there, but nothing I would stick to. I started eating whatever crappy food I wanted....because I didn't care about much during this time....and I gained weight steadily over that 3 year period. I had months where I would try to be serious and a couple of weeks in, I was back to where I started.....Not really caring, because the overwhelming stress was too much for me and I couldn't handle it. Meanwhile, my blood pressure started to go up. I got put on medication......Oh man....seriously? What have I done to myself? I didn't take it seriously, I took it off and on when I thought about it. Major stress surrounding me everyday. Until I started having chest pains and feeling sick....and I had to go back to the doctor....who had to increase my dosage.....Shit!!! I was scared....genuinely scared. However, I still didn't do anything but take medication to control my blood pressure. I knew I needed to change my diet....get back on my elliptical, start working out again. But I put it off and put it off. Winter hit this year with a lot of snow, which brought on depression. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I hate snow.....I hate everything about it. I'll take rain any day. The cold and then the inversion that brought toxic air that shut out the sun, I couldn't take it. I resorted to staying in bed watching whatever was on tv and felt pretty good about myself if I was motivated enough to get up and take a shower. It depresses me just thinking about it.....I had to pull myself out of that routine, desperately.
Three weeks ago I started getting serious. After having chest pains again on the higher dose of meds that I was on, I took a step back and started to re-evaluate my life. I wasn't willing to leave this world by means of a heart attack and certainly not any time soon, and I wasn't going to go back for a higher dose. I can't eliminate the stress from my life, I have kids...one of which decided to drop out of school last week, and a husband....who has been battling pneumonia again (at least this time not in the hospital). He's been showing signs of encephalopathy with tremors in his hands and, slower thinking, moving etc... I thought I saw a decline in him last year.....I really had no idea what to look for. After talking to a new liver Doctor last week and him confirming he has end stage cirrhosis (which we pretty much knew 2 years ago). I started noticing more. And when he said out loud.....only 10% of people make it to 5yrs....it hit me hard. He hasn't had a Doctor say this to him and basically say "Yes you are at this stage" before. You don't really have a grasp of the reality of it until things are put in a time frame.....and even then it's still hard to grasp. So, I started working out again.....I needed to relieve some stress, I needed to block out the world. When I workout I turn on my Ipod and I turn the music up loud. I don't want to hear anything going on around me....that is my time and I enjoy it. The thing is I love to exercise, love the way it makes me feel. My stress doesn't disappear but it becomes a little more manageable....at least for a little while. I've noticed a difference in my blood pressure, just by the way I feel....and that in itself is enough to motivate me to keep going each day. I've gone back to eating healthy again, which means the whole family is eating healthy again....always a bonus. And as the weight starts to drop off, I'm feeling more like myself again. My main thing I need is to manage the stress, the weight will be an added bonus. Each week I push myself a little harder, and I keep in my head, that I have to do this, I want to be around for my kids, No I HAVE to be around for my kids. It scares me that I let the stress of everything take over my life. I can't let it go any farther. My goal this year is to get back to where I was 3 years ago.....and hopefully smaller. There's no reason I can't. No matter what happens this year it is a must that I continue this journey.....and keep my stress managed.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I Don't Actually Hate Valentine's Day
I don't really hate Valentine's Day, I just have never gotten to celebrate it the way I think it should be celebrated. I should say, the way I've wanted to celebrate it. In fact we've never really celebrated it. Every year until maybe 4 or 5 years ago, I set myself up for disappointment. Every year I would think maybe this is the year he will actually show me how much he loves and appreciates me....it never happened. So I stopped caring. The thing is I'm a person that sees things from all sides. It doesn't mean it makes anything easier, it just means I hate it, while understanding the reasoning behind it all at the same time. I was never going to change Todd, it's something he had to do completely on his own when he wanted to. Is he the man today that I always wanted....No. Is he a different man today than the day I married him....Yes.
A couple of weeks ago Todd started to go to doctors appointments again. It's a lot of me trying to get him out of the door on time so he gets there on time. Even before he was as sick as he is now it was hard to get him anywhere on time. He runs on his own schedule sometimes.....and it pisses me off. I can't tell you how many times I've had to drive to an appointment like a frickin' race car driver going 90 miles an hour because, he takes forever to get ready. I spend a lot of time being overly frustrated, and when I'm frustrated I start rattling off about stupid crap from the past that has nothing to do with anything. And I finally had to stop myself, because a one sided argument ends up being me just wanting to punish him. He doesn't fight with me anymore, he hasn't for a long time. If I'm being completely honest, he's done nothing but try to make up for his mistakes. He loves me and he wants to make me happy. We've had a lot of conversations about this lately. I keep pushing him away, because I know what opening up my heart with him means. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I love him, he gave me 4 kids. But I can't fall in love with him, I can't go down that road again. For me falling in love means I just get hurt.
So today is Valentine's Day and of course everyone is expressing how much they love their significant others and how much they do for them....etc. All I can think is Bull Shit....I call Bull Shit! I don't get it. Are there really men out there that care that much for the women in their lives, are that perfect, do that much? I guess because I've never experienced it.....I don't believe it. Really all this is jealousy....I know that....I'm sure there are millions of perfect men out there that make the women in their lives unbelievably happy....I've just never experienced it. Although nothing pisses me off more than when women proclaim how much they love their husbands and they couldn't live without them, and how much they do......then the moment they don't take the trash out or change a diaper.....they complain. And I want to scream "DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE?!" Some of us would kill to have a man who helped change diapers....or take care of the kids...make dinner....clean the house....you get the picture.
Truth is I believe in true love. I think Todd could have been perfect for me. I know him more than he knows himself in a lot of ways. The problem (and this is when I hate seeing things from all sides).....he didn't have a good example of how a man should be growing up. His dad wasn't around, and let's be honest even when he was he wasn't a good example. Todd never learned how to treat a woman. It's an excuse....he never opened his eyes and listened long enough to see and hear when I was unhappy and why. If you ask him, we had the perfect marriage, he did everything right....well he would have said that until recently. Two days ago he developed an infection in his lungs....it came on so suddenly. One minute he was fine, the next he was shaking from head to toe with a fever of 104. He's been in bed sleeping a lot, feeling crappy. Today he called me over to him and wanted to hug me.....I really haven't let him get close to me until recently. As he was hugging me he kept telling me how sorry he was, that he wished we could do something today. When I said to him it didn't matter because we've never celebrated Valentine's Day, he replied it does matter, and I'm sorry that we've never done anything. ((Sigh))....I know he's trying to make things right, I just can't let my heart go there. The reality is, I let my heart soften and let him get close and he does something to make me angry again.....because even though he has changed so much since the day we met, and for the better.....he's still the same man I married. I've let him put his arms around me, lay his head on my shoulder, I even let him kiss me for the first time in 2 years.....it's not the same....it won't ever be the same. So Valentine's Day is like every other day.....except instead of just telling my kids that I love them....I give them a little heart shaped box of chocolates and a box of conversation hearts. And I hold on to the hope that one day...one day I'll get to spend a Valentine's Day the way I want to.
A couple of weeks ago Todd started to go to doctors appointments again. It's a lot of me trying to get him out of the door on time so he gets there on time. Even before he was as sick as he is now it was hard to get him anywhere on time. He runs on his own schedule sometimes.....and it pisses me off. I can't tell you how many times I've had to drive to an appointment like a frickin' race car driver going 90 miles an hour because, he takes forever to get ready. I spend a lot of time being overly frustrated, and when I'm frustrated I start rattling off about stupid crap from the past that has nothing to do with anything. And I finally had to stop myself, because a one sided argument ends up being me just wanting to punish him. He doesn't fight with me anymore, he hasn't for a long time. If I'm being completely honest, he's done nothing but try to make up for his mistakes. He loves me and he wants to make me happy. We've had a lot of conversations about this lately. I keep pushing him away, because I know what opening up my heart with him means. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I love him, he gave me 4 kids. But I can't fall in love with him, I can't go down that road again. For me falling in love means I just get hurt.
So today is Valentine's Day and of course everyone is expressing how much they love their significant others and how much they do for them....etc. All I can think is Bull Shit....I call Bull Shit! I don't get it. Are there really men out there that care that much for the women in their lives, are that perfect, do that much? I guess because I've never experienced it.....I don't believe it. Really all this is jealousy....I know that....I'm sure there are millions of perfect men out there that make the women in their lives unbelievably happy....I've just never experienced it. Although nothing pisses me off more than when women proclaim how much they love their husbands and they couldn't live without them, and how much they do......then the moment they don't take the trash out or change a diaper.....they complain. And I want to scream "DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE?!" Some of us would kill to have a man who helped change diapers....or take care of the kids...make dinner....clean the house....you get the picture.
Truth is I believe in true love. I think Todd could have been perfect for me. I know him more than he knows himself in a lot of ways. The problem (and this is when I hate seeing things from all sides).....he didn't have a good example of how a man should be growing up. His dad wasn't around, and let's be honest even when he was he wasn't a good example. Todd never learned how to treat a woman. It's an excuse....he never opened his eyes and listened long enough to see and hear when I was unhappy and why. If you ask him, we had the perfect marriage, he did everything right....well he would have said that until recently. Two days ago he developed an infection in his lungs....it came on so suddenly. One minute he was fine, the next he was shaking from head to toe with a fever of 104. He's been in bed sleeping a lot, feeling crappy. Today he called me over to him and wanted to hug me.....I really haven't let him get close to me until recently. As he was hugging me he kept telling me how sorry he was, that he wished we could do something today. When I said to him it didn't matter because we've never celebrated Valentine's Day, he replied it does matter, and I'm sorry that we've never done anything. ((Sigh))....I know he's trying to make things right, I just can't let my heart go there. The reality is, I let my heart soften and let him get close and he does something to make me angry again.....because even though he has changed so much since the day we met, and for the better.....he's still the same man I married. I've let him put his arms around me, lay his head on my shoulder, I even let him kiss me for the first time in 2 years.....it's not the same....it won't ever be the same. So Valentine's Day is like every other day.....except instead of just telling my kids that I love them....I give them a little heart shaped box of chocolates and a box of conversation hearts. And I hold on to the hope that one day...one day I'll get to spend a Valentine's Day the way I want to.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Trying to Motivate Myself to do......Something
I hate winter...I hate everything about it. I hate the snow, the cold, the ice, the crappy inversion that makes it so you can't see the sky even when the sun is shining, I hate the black slushy crap that gets stuck in the wheel wells of the car from driving in slushy crappy snow, and I hate that I've never really had anybody to snuggle up with on cold nights. I don't ski or snowboard or do anything that involves "playing" outside and freezing my feet and hands and everything else. And I hate shoveling my driveway and clearing off my car and making sure my front steps don't kill anyone with the amount of ice that forms on them. Why do I live in a state where it snows all winter long? Yea....I ask myself that question right about this time every year. The winter blahs have more than settled in, and I'm trying desperately not to let it completely take me over. Last winter was fairly mild....this one, not so much and I'm hating every moment of it. I hate looking outside and seeing my yard covered in white. I want green and color and warmth and sunshine and leaves on the trees. I need to live in a place that borders on Spring and Summer all year long. If I never saw snow again.....I would LOVE it....I truly hate it that much. Once I get through February (the worst month of the year for me in so many ways) I feel like I can breath and function again. I laugh all of this off with anyone I talk to. I save my foul moodiness for when I'm by myself. My problem right now is I can't motivate myself to do....well....anything. I NEED to start working out again. I've had plans to start for the last 2 weeks. I'm finding it's a lot easier to climb back into bed after taking kids to school in the morning than just getting on my elliptical for 45 minutes even though I know I will feel much better after a good workout. I KNOW I will. I'm tired of life beating me up over and over and over again....and even though there's no more than the usual crap happening right now, I'm completely overwhelmed with it all. I'm tired and cranky and I just want something....anything to go right for me.
So.....bear with me (I actually just had to look that phrase up because I didn't know if it was "bare" or "bear")...I'm still here. I'm just working through some personal junk. I wanted my blog this year to focus on changes I'm making for the better. Things I'm doing for myself. Once I can force myself out of this funk it's exactly what I plan on doing. I have great personal goals for myself this year and I hope you follow along. I know I'll need lots of encouragement. I'm still here, just not in the right mood to be doing blog posts at the moment but I'm working on it.
So.....bear with me (I actually just had to look that phrase up because I didn't know if it was "bare" or "bear")...I'm still here. I'm just working through some personal junk. I wanted my blog this year to focus on changes I'm making for the better. Things I'm doing for myself. Once I can force myself out of this funk it's exactly what I plan on doing. I have great personal goals for myself this year and I hope you follow along. I know I'll need lots of encouragement. I'm still here, just not in the right mood to be doing blog posts at the moment but I'm working on it.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
A Year in Review...
This year I put myself out there. I started a blog, because I needed to get out of my head everything that was driving me crazy. I stopped worrying so much about what people thought of me. My emotions have been all over the place. It's been nothing short of the craziest roller coaster ride that I could ever experience. And while I can't say that I've loved the ride, I can say I have loved moments and I've learned a lot about myself this year....good, bad and ugly.
Drama....There has been far too much of it in my life lately. I HATE drama. When it comes right down to it, some of it is unavoidable, the rest we create ourselves. I can't believe how much drama I've created this year, to the point there are days I can't stand myself. So I have trials that happen far too often than I like.....and that makes me special? I think not. We all have trials, I'm not going to hide in my house and pretend nothing is wrong. But there has to be a happy medium. I didn't create my blog for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just had too much that I had a hard time dealing with and I needed to get it out. This coming year there will be far less drama.
I can't please everyone....My in laws will never like me. For the life of me I don't know why....and I finally had to stop worrying about it. I don't know if they hated me from the very beginning and just let it build up over the years or if it started after Todd got sick and they just didn't want to believe me. Maybe my father in-law is going nuts as he gets older. I know that it has progressed to anyone that challenges him gets disowned from the family. My oldest son being the latest to have to deal with his tyranny. The two of us have officially been banned from any family functions. When I heard that one, it sealed my decision to not allow my children around him anymore. Todd's family has been a huge source of crap for me this year so I'm letting them go. I'm not allowing their negativity in my life anymore. We don't have to like everyone.
I'm not a very nice person sometimes.... This year has been a year of finding myself, unfortunately I found my complete bitch side. The side that stopped giving a damn about certain people in my life's feelings. I don't like that side....that's not me. It's in my nature to worry about the people in my life....to care. Me turning against those natural feelings left me unsettled and angry a lot. I've had too many moments of complete anger and I'm not ok with that. I'm working on this one.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure.....because this is honestly how I feel sometimes. I'm a failure in my marriage...at love...raising my kids...losing weight. I don't always feel this way just when I'm at my lowest. Being home, not working only reinforces these feelings. Which leads into.....
I'm not a good stay at home mom......Sure....I love not having to go to work everyday....the thought of having to look for a job right now is giving me more anxiety than I care to think about....and I've been sleeping like crap. I've been home being a care giver and taking care of everything for the last year.....and I have become LAZY....I've gained weight, I eat crappy, I hate cleaning, so I'm not getting up to clean the house just because I'm home. Winter makes everything 10 times worse because I can't even escape to the outdoors to work in my garden or sit outside. I'm broke so it's not like I can just go shopping and spend money. I'm stuck in my house and truth is I feel like I'm doing good if I get out of bed and take a shower sometime during the day. Don't get me wrong I've loved spending time with my kids...we've done a lot of fun things together during the last year, but, when I go back to work I will be returning back to grumpy...tired mom. I don't know how to make this work. The kids are older so it's not so bad, but I don't want them to feel like I'm neglecting their needs. When it all comes down to it.....I need money...now....therefore working is my only choice whether I like it or not and it's time for me to go back.
I'm an advice giver.....not so much an advice taker......I love all the advice I've been given, I do. I don't get offended by it, because I know everyone has great intentions. Trust me I've given out my fair share of it....to my children it would be referred to as lectures. I am the queen of lectures...I could go on for days. But when it comes right down to it those of us who give out advice see things from the outside and usually from one side unless we are personally involved with what is going on. And although I love all of you in my life and am very happy for your friendship....unless I ask....I don't want any advice. This journey is mine....for good or for bad.....my lessons to be learned, my heartache to deal with....and in order to continue to find me....I have to deal with most of this stuff on my own.
I am worth something and I am good enough.....I saw a post on facebook the other day, a girl had said something to her friend about hanging in there...not worrying...that the right guy will come along one day. The friend responded with thanks....but I doubt it, I'm just not good enough for anyone. This makes me crazy, and sad at the same time. Why would anyone think they are not good enough for anyone....then I remember after years of not dating, I felt the exact same way once upon a time. It's taken me a lot of years to realize I am good enough. I've been married....I've gone through heartache like I've never felt before....I'm still going through that. I'm not giving up just because I've failed at marriage. I thought I found my soul mate a couple of years ago....maybe I was wrong....he's moved on with his life, and rightly so. I'm worth something....but I can't have everything that I want just because it's what I want. Life doesn't work like that...and I'm absolutely sure there is a reason for it. But I do know with absolute certainty that I deserve to be loved and cared for unconditionally and even if my heart is broken over and over I will still believe this and I won't give up.
Forgiveness is the key....It ultimately unlocks the chains that are holding you to all the pain you are feeling and sets you free. It's been a long year of fighting, anger, sadness the unknown. I've decided on separation and divorce and wanting Todd out of my life. I've learned I can't write things when I'm in the middle of a moment of anger. The truth is Todd is staying right here where he is. No our marriage isn't any different, we've been in a phase of friendship for so long that we've never had a real marriage. To make him go.....means I'm saying I don't care....like I said above, that's not me. I can't do it and feel ok with my decision. Sometimes I hate that I care too much, especially when it's for a person that has caused me so much frustration....it's in the past. Like I said forgiveness is the key. Todd is still very sick, he sleeps about 16 hours a day. I probably won't mention him very much anymore. I'm still figuring all this out myself, I can't love him the way he loves me....but I still care and I'll still take care of him if he needs me to. He's burned a lot of bridges in his life, it's his own fault....and he's alone.
Not all people who are strong have their lives in order, it just appears that way sometimes. People tell me I'm strong all the time. I can tell you my life is definitely not in order. I smile because I like to smile, I like to make people smile. I like being happy. I smile even when I'm crying on the inside. The people who really know me know the difference. I do cry a lot behind closed doors, because the truth is lately all the crap that has been hitting me has been too much, and I've kept most of it to myself.
By far the most important thing I've learned this year is who I am. It's been a journey I won't soon forget and one that I will still continue, because life is ever changing. I don't know what is around the corner, I don't know which path I will choose. I know I'm looking forward to it and to all the experiences that will come with it. There will always be challenges, they are far from over in this house. We still have a lot to get through. Just as important as learning who I am......is learning that what ever trials come my way I can face them head on and overcome them. Here's to a new year of learning and discovery......
Drama....There has been far too much of it in my life lately. I HATE drama. When it comes right down to it, some of it is unavoidable, the rest we create ourselves. I can't believe how much drama I've created this year, to the point there are days I can't stand myself. So I have trials that happen far too often than I like.....and that makes me special? I think not. We all have trials, I'm not going to hide in my house and pretend nothing is wrong. But there has to be a happy medium. I didn't create my blog for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just had too much that I had a hard time dealing with and I needed to get it out. This coming year there will be far less drama.
I can't please everyone....My in laws will never like me. For the life of me I don't know why....and I finally had to stop worrying about it. I don't know if they hated me from the very beginning and just let it build up over the years or if it started after Todd got sick and they just didn't want to believe me. Maybe my father in-law is going nuts as he gets older. I know that it has progressed to anyone that challenges him gets disowned from the family. My oldest son being the latest to have to deal with his tyranny. The two of us have officially been banned from any family functions. When I heard that one, it sealed my decision to not allow my children around him anymore. Todd's family has been a huge source of crap for me this year so I'm letting them go. I'm not allowing their negativity in my life anymore. We don't have to like everyone.
I'm not a very nice person sometimes.... This year has been a year of finding myself, unfortunately I found my complete bitch side. The side that stopped giving a damn about certain people in my life's feelings. I don't like that side....that's not me. It's in my nature to worry about the people in my life....to care. Me turning against those natural feelings left me unsettled and angry a lot. I've had too many moments of complete anger and I'm not ok with that. I'm working on this one.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure.....because this is honestly how I feel sometimes. I'm a failure in my marriage...at love...raising my kids...losing weight. I don't always feel this way just when I'm at my lowest. Being home, not working only reinforces these feelings. Which leads into.....
I'm not a good stay at home mom......Sure....I love not having to go to work everyday....the thought of having to look for a job right now is giving me more anxiety than I care to think about....and I've been sleeping like crap. I've been home being a care giver and taking care of everything for the last year.....and I have become LAZY....I've gained weight, I eat crappy, I hate cleaning, so I'm not getting up to clean the house just because I'm home. Winter makes everything 10 times worse because I can't even escape to the outdoors to work in my garden or sit outside. I'm broke so it's not like I can just go shopping and spend money. I'm stuck in my house and truth is I feel like I'm doing good if I get out of bed and take a shower sometime during the day. Don't get me wrong I've loved spending time with my kids...we've done a lot of fun things together during the last year, but, when I go back to work I will be returning back to grumpy...tired mom. I don't know how to make this work. The kids are older so it's not so bad, but I don't want them to feel like I'm neglecting their needs. When it all comes down to it.....I need money...now....therefore working is my only choice whether I like it or not and it's time for me to go back.
I'm an advice giver.....not so much an advice taker......I love all the advice I've been given, I do. I don't get offended by it, because I know everyone has great intentions. Trust me I've given out my fair share of it....to my children it would be referred to as lectures. I am the queen of lectures...I could go on for days. But when it comes right down to it those of us who give out advice see things from the outside and usually from one side unless we are personally involved with what is going on. And although I love all of you in my life and am very happy for your friendship....unless I ask....I don't want any advice. This journey is mine....for good or for bad.....my lessons to be learned, my heartache to deal with....and in order to continue to find me....I have to deal with most of this stuff on my own.
I am worth something and I am good enough.....I saw a post on facebook the other day, a girl had said something to her friend about hanging in there...not worrying...that the right guy will come along one day. The friend responded with thanks....but I doubt it, I'm just not good enough for anyone. This makes me crazy, and sad at the same time. Why would anyone think they are not good enough for anyone....then I remember after years of not dating, I felt the exact same way once upon a time. It's taken me a lot of years to realize I am good enough. I've been married....I've gone through heartache like I've never felt before....I'm still going through that. I'm not giving up just because I've failed at marriage. I thought I found my soul mate a couple of years ago....maybe I was wrong....he's moved on with his life, and rightly so. I'm worth something....but I can't have everything that I want just because it's what I want. Life doesn't work like that...and I'm absolutely sure there is a reason for it. But I do know with absolute certainty that I deserve to be loved and cared for unconditionally and even if my heart is broken over and over I will still believe this and I won't give up.
Forgiveness is the key....It ultimately unlocks the chains that are holding you to all the pain you are feeling and sets you free. It's been a long year of fighting, anger, sadness the unknown. I've decided on separation and divorce and wanting Todd out of my life. I've learned I can't write things when I'm in the middle of a moment of anger. The truth is Todd is staying right here where he is. No our marriage isn't any different, we've been in a phase of friendship for so long that we've never had a real marriage. To make him go.....means I'm saying I don't care....like I said above, that's not me. I can't do it and feel ok with my decision. Sometimes I hate that I care too much, especially when it's for a person that has caused me so much frustration....it's in the past. Like I said forgiveness is the key. Todd is still very sick, he sleeps about 16 hours a day. I probably won't mention him very much anymore. I'm still figuring all this out myself, I can't love him the way he loves me....but I still care and I'll still take care of him if he needs me to. He's burned a lot of bridges in his life, it's his own fault....and he's alone.
Not all people who are strong have their lives in order, it just appears that way sometimes. People tell me I'm strong all the time. I can tell you my life is definitely not in order. I smile because I like to smile, I like to make people smile. I like being happy. I smile even when I'm crying on the inside. The people who really know me know the difference. I do cry a lot behind closed doors, because the truth is lately all the crap that has been hitting me has been too much, and I've kept most of it to myself.
By far the most important thing I've learned this year is who I am. It's been a journey I won't soon forget and one that I will still continue, because life is ever changing. I don't know what is around the corner, I don't know which path I will choose. I know I'm looking forward to it and to all the experiences that will come with it. There will always be challenges, they are far from over in this house. We still have a lot to get through. Just as important as learning who I am......is learning that what ever trials come my way I can face them head on and overcome them. Here's to a new year of learning and discovery......
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
....And To All a Good Night
For the first time in at least seven years, I was able to really enjoy Christmas. I'll admit I have become a Christmas scrooge. Last year was a train wreck. Dealing with Todd being in the hospital and then a rehab center for 6 weeks total. I just didn't give a crap about doing anything for any holiday. For six years before that I was working nights for the Postal Service, and this time of year being the busy time....well it was a given that I was tired and grumpy. My kids got cheated out of me being the kind of mom that I wanted to be....the mom I grew up with. So this year even though I desperately need to find a job, I put off seriously looking for one, and I told myself I was going to do everything that I planned on doing. For the most part I did.
As we bring the Christmas season (Ok I'll be honest it got a little long....2 weeks for Christmas would be perfect), to an end, I look back over the last few weeks and feel like I did ok. My first priority was to not let myself get stressed out over time and money and presents. I let the kids know ahead of time that this year was going to be fairly small. I wanted to focus on spending quality time and doing things that we could enjoy rather than buying things. And they were totally ok with that. We baked cookies and made English toffee, went to the Junior High Christmas concerts for choir and orchestra that my daughter was in. We hung lights on the house, something we haven't done in years. The tree went up shortly after Thanksgiving (a very rare occurrence) and the house decorated. We made gingerbread houses and watched Christmas shows and went Christmas shopping. I made homemade cinnamon rolls with my mom and sister all day one day. I love spending time with my family. We had my family Christmas party where we do our annual Christmas program and stop the craziness of the holiday to remember the true meaning of Christmas. My daughter and I had a girls day out and got our nails done and went to lunch. We enjoyed our time together and took pictures. Just like Thanksgiving it was family time that was needed. Having a little boy that still believes in the magic of Santa made everything that much better. We were up by 7am opening presents by 7:30, then spent the day relaxing while the kids played with their new toys and gadgets and stuff. It was a good day, it's been a good few weeks. Yea I've had some stressful times....I've had days that I had to smile through some tears. But overall it's been good and it was needed and I'm glad we were able to make the memories that we did this year. I've said it a million times....and I'll probably say it a million more but, I have great kids and I am so thankful for every new memory we get to make. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas...and to those who don't celebrate Christmas Happy Holidays.
As we bring the Christmas season (Ok I'll be honest it got a little long....2 weeks for Christmas would be perfect), to an end, I look back over the last few weeks and feel like I did ok. My first priority was to not let myself get stressed out over time and money and presents. I let the kids know ahead of time that this year was going to be fairly small. I wanted to focus on spending quality time and doing things that we could enjoy rather than buying things. And they were totally ok with that. We baked cookies and made English toffee, went to the Junior High Christmas concerts for choir and orchestra that my daughter was in. We hung lights on the house, something we haven't done in years. The tree went up shortly after Thanksgiving (a very rare occurrence) and the house decorated. We made gingerbread houses and watched Christmas shows and went Christmas shopping. I made homemade cinnamon rolls with my mom and sister all day one day. I love spending time with my family. We had my family Christmas party where we do our annual Christmas program and stop the craziness of the holiday to remember the true meaning of Christmas. My daughter and I had a girls day out and got our nails done and went to lunch. We enjoyed our time together and took pictures. Just like Thanksgiving it was family time that was needed. Having a little boy that still believes in the magic of Santa made everything that much better. We were up by 7am opening presents by 7:30, then spent the day relaxing while the kids played with their new toys and gadgets and stuff. It was a good day, it's been a good few weeks. Yea I've had some stressful times....I've had days that I had to smile through some tears. But overall it's been good and it was needed and I'm glad we were able to make the memories that we did this year. I've said it a million times....and I'll probably say it a million more but, I have great kids and I am so thankful for every new memory we get to make. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas...and to those who don't celebrate Christmas Happy Holidays.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Putting In My Two Cents....
I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days. I almost decided to bag it after the day that I've had...It's been a crap day....beyond crap. Instead of letting things weigh me down, I'm taking today and throwing it as far away as possible. Given the choice there is no way I would repeat it. So I'm letting it go. I'm sure I'll get hit with more crap later anyway, so best to write this post and be done with it.
I don't usually throw my opinions out there when it comes to anything political. I'll be honest, a lot of political stuff goes over my head. It's very possible that the study I heard about this morning on the radio about eating excessive amounts of sugar making you dumber is true....because some days I feel like a complete idiot. But the debates right now over gun control and mental illness are about to drive me insane. The events that happened in Connecticut are mind boggling.....we will never know the reasons that this man (barely a man) did this...never. The majority of us can not grasp why anyone could do something so horrific. It was beyond awful, sickening to hear about, sad beyond words and my heart goes out to the entire community. For days now anytime I think about it I cry. Too many innocent lives taken so senselessly.
This is the thing....and I don't much care if anyone agrees or disagrees with me. This is just how I feel, just how I see things. Because I don't really know where we begin on trying to change things. Guns....I grew up with them, my dad was a hunter. I grew up learning how to shoot. I went hunting with my dad a few times. I know how to shoot at ducks and small birds. I feel comfortable with a gun in my hands, they don't bother me. People who are avid gun collectors or hunt for sport, are not likely to go on a shooting rampage. The guns are already out there to buy legally or illegally. Banning them only means the people who really want them will find them other ways. Sure it might make it a little harder....but they will still be there. I have a couple of experiences buying guns, but let me tell you how easy it can be. Maybe 12 or so years ago Todd and I went to a gun show. It was in a big convention center, there were many...many people there. We walked up to one of the vendors, and asked what it would take to buy a gun. Basically, to make a long story short, we could have walked out of there with a previously owned gun...no questions asked, no paperwork filled out, just money exchanged. Are you amazed...infuriated? You should be. But I hate to break it to you, it happens everyday...in public, in private. In the middle of a crowded room and behind closed doors. Guns are always going to be around. How do we fix people getting their hands on them that have no right having one? Good question. If someone doesn't have a record, has never been convicted of anything, has never done anything to cause alarm. They can get a gun. What if they then go on a shooting rampage. Are we supposed to be mind readers? What's your solution? Is there one? I hear people saying "stricter gun laws".... yea ok great. And the guy at the gun convention....or the pawn shop....or the house in the middle of the city...or the alley.....who doesn't give a crap about gun laws? More arrests? More jails? More what?
The person intent on killing..... Would you know the warning signs? Would you understand the warning signs? There's a lot of people out there that say "Hell yea I would". Would you really? Because I gotta say, I don't think I would. To me a lot of these signs, fit a lot of teenagers...mostly boys. What makes that person suddenly snap? That's what we don't know....this is the question we should be asking. Everybody keeps zoning in on one piece of this huge puzzle. Everybody needs to take a few steps back and try and look at the entire picture.
Do I feel my kids are safe at school? Yes I do. Why shouldn't I? How many schools are there in the United States? This is not an everyday occurrence. It is horrible to think about. There are a million what ifs. But ask yourself this. Do you want to live in fear? Do you want your children to be afraid to be somewhere they should feel safe? I'm not going to give my children undue anxiety, because there is a 1 in whatever chance something may happen. The fact of the matter is, people die everyday. There are no guarantees that when we wake up in the morning that we are going to make it to the next day....none. I get that this incident has raised questions and heightened awareness. But the fact is....when somebody has become so mentally unstable that they are planning to kill people....they most likely are really planning on killing themselves. They feel justified in what they are doing. They are on a mission and they are going to find a way to complete it. Unless we plan on having our children in schools that are made of impenetrable steel boxes....and locked shut while they are there.....then there is always a way for someone to get through. Not a very comforting thought. But like I said there are no guarantees in life, and you can't live each day in fear that "something" might happen. I'm glad that it has made us look at things differently, I'm glad it is making people ask questions. Because if we can do something...to help in decreasing violence...then it's always a good thing. Do I think the media needs to stop giving people that commit these horrible acts their 5 minutes of fame....because that's what it is? Yes I do. I think the media has become awful in this area. Stop focusing on the people that commit the crimes and focus on the people that deserve to be seen and heard. I can't stand the news anymore.
Did this make me appreciate my kids more....love them more...hug them more? I am thankful for every second of the day that I am able to spend with my children. I tell them I love them always. They know I would do anything for them. I'm their mother...of course I love them. I'm not sure what I would do if something happened to any of them. It would probably be more pain than I ever want to even think about. I wish I could take the pain away from any parent having to deal with the loss of a child. I wish we could live in a world where no child ever had to die before a parent. It really doesn't seem fair. But I do believe in God, I do believe that there is life after death, and I do believe that the things we don't understand now....we will understand one day. And I hope that everyone affected by this tragedy can feel all the angels that are surrounding them trying to give them a little bit of peace.
I don't usually throw my opinions out there when it comes to anything political. I'll be honest, a lot of political stuff goes over my head. It's very possible that the study I heard about this morning on the radio about eating excessive amounts of sugar making you dumber is true....because some days I feel like a complete idiot. But the debates right now over gun control and mental illness are about to drive me insane. The events that happened in Connecticut are mind boggling.....we will never know the reasons that this man (barely a man) did this...never. The majority of us can not grasp why anyone could do something so horrific. It was beyond awful, sickening to hear about, sad beyond words and my heart goes out to the entire community. For days now anytime I think about it I cry. Too many innocent lives taken so senselessly.
This is the thing....and I don't much care if anyone agrees or disagrees with me. This is just how I feel, just how I see things. Because I don't really know where we begin on trying to change things. Guns....I grew up with them, my dad was a hunter. I grew up learning how to shoot. I went hunting with my dad a few times. I know how to shoot at ducks and small birds. I feel comfortable with a gun in my hands, they don't bother me. People who are avid gun collectors or hunt for sport, are not likely to go on a shooting rampage. The guns are already out there to buy legally or illegally. Banning them only means the people who really want them will find them other ways. Sure it might make it a little harder....but they will still be there. I have a couple of experiences buying guns, but let me tell you how easy it can be. Maybe 12 or so years ago Todd and I went to a gun show. It was in a big convention center, there were many...many people there. We walked up to one of the vendors, and asked what it would take to buy a gun. Basically, to make a long story short, we could have walked out of there with a previously owned gun...no questions asked, no paperwork filled out, just money exchanged. Are you amazed...infuriated? You should be. But I hate to break it to you, it happens everyday...in public, in private. In the middle of a crowded room and behind closed doors. Guns are always going to be around. How do we fix people getting their hands on them that have no right having one? Good question. If someone doesn't have a record, has never been convicted of anything, has never done anything to cause alarm. They can get a gun. What if they then go on a shooting rampage. Are we supposed to be mind readers? What's your solution? Is there one? I hear people saying "stricter gun laws".... yea ok great. And the guy at the gun convention....or the pawn shop....or the house in the middle of the city...or the alley.....who doesn't give a crap about gun laws? More arrests? More jails? More what?
The person intent on killing..... Would you know the warning signs? Would you understand the warning signs? There's a lot of people out there that say "Hell yea I would". Would you really? Because I gotta say, I don't think I would. To me a lot of these signs, fit a lot of teenagers...mostly boys. What makes that person suddenly snap? That's what we don't know....this is the question we should be asking. Everybody keeps zoning in on one piece of this huge puzzle. Everybody needs to take a few steps back and try and look at the entire picture.
Do I feel my kids are safe at school? Yes I do. Why shouldn't I? How many schools are there in the United States? This is not an everyday occurrence. It is horrible to think about. There are a million what ifs. But ask yourself this. Do you want to live in fear? Do you want your children to be afraid to be somewhere they should feel safe? I'm not going to give my children undue anxiety, because there is a 1 in whatever chance something may happen. The fact of the matter is, people die everyday. There are no guarantees that when we wake up in the morning that we are going to make it to the next day....none. I get that this incident has raised questions and heightened awareness. But the fact is....when somebody has become so mentally unstable that they are planning to kill people....they most likely are really planning on killing themselves. They feel justified in what they are doing. They are on a mission and they are going to find a way to complete it. Unless we plan on having our children in schools that are made of impenetrable steel boxes....and locked shut while they are there.....then there is always a way for someone to get through. Not a very comforting thought. But like I said there are no guarantees in life, and you can't live each day in fear that "something" might happen. I'm glad that it has made us look at things differently, I'm glad it is making people ask questions. Because if we can do something...to help in decreasing violence...then it's always a good thing. Do I think the media needs to stop giving people that commit these horrible acts their 5 minutes of fame....because that's what it is? Yes I do. I think the media has become awful in this area. Stop focusing on the people that commit the crimes and focus on the people that deserve to be seen and heard. I can't stand the news anymore.
Did this make me appreciate my kids more....love them more...hug them more? I am thankful for every second of the day that I am able to spend with my children. I tell them I love them always. They know I would do anything for them. I'm their mother...of course I love them. I'm not sure what I would do if something happened to any of them. It would probably be more pain than I ever want to even think about. I wish I could take the pain away from any parent having to deal with the loss of a child. I wish we could live in a world where no child ever had to die before a parent. It really doesn't seem fair. But I do believe in God, I do believe that there is life after death, and I do believe that the things we don't understand now....we will understand one day. And I hope that everyone affected by this tragedy can feel all the angels that are surrounding them trying to give them a little bit of peace.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Fifteen Years Ago Today.....
Fifteen years ago today, I gave birth to my first child (my now second oldest). I wish I could say it was one of the happiest days of my life.....not so much. Trust me when I say I still have guilt over the feelings I had then. I wish I could go back to that day knowing how much joy he has brought to my life.
Ten months before I had my son, I met Todd...one month later I was pregnant. Ironically before I met him all I wanted was to get married and start a family. When I found out I was pregnant, I realized I was no where near ready. I wasn't married, we weren't living together....we barely knew each other. I was pregnant, lonely and miserable. I was flying by the seat of my pants, and did not have a clue what I was doing. For the first 3 months, I was so sick. Morning sickness sucks, having it all day sucks more. Having no one there when you are puking your guts out, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying your eyes out is just plain shitty. After the first 3 months the morning sickness went away and my pregnancy went fairly smoothly until the end when my blood pressure went up and I had to be induced 2 1/2 weeks early. Into the world came my 8lb 6oz. little boy. He was beautiful.....and I didn't know how to take care of him or even how to feel at that moment. I sat in the hospital by myself for 3 days and I kept my new little baby boy in the nursery, only bringing him into my room when I had a visitor or for very short periods of time. I went home (to my mom's house) alone with a new baby and it was the worst feeling in the world. Two months later, Todd and I finally decided to get married. We became an instant family. He already had a son who I later adopted, and I jumped into being a mom to 2 boys. I still can't tell you how I managed doing it.
Fast forward 15 years later. That little baby....grown into a teenager...has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. I can't even imagine life without him. My kid that has never known his own strength. We always had to remind him to be gentle. He was never mean, more like a bull in a china shop. He has always been tender hearted. The best big brother his sister (only 19 months younger) could have. They've always been best friends. One of my very favorite memories is of a time we were camping. Todd had taken our daughter just up a dirt road to the bathroom. She was maybe 4. We heard her suddenly scream at the top of her lungs...a bee had scared her.....my little boy started running up the road because he "needed to help her". The look of concern on his face for his little sister who he thought was hurt was one I will never forget. He is no different today. He is kind, caring and would do anything for his family. He has a great....odd...sense of humor, that I love. He can be completely crazy and off the wall especially around his friends. He is just fun to be around. Anytime we are alone he talks my ear off about anything and everything.
Oh....he is still a typical teenager. He still complains every so often about taking out the trash or doing dishes. He can still be moody and ornery. He still argues with his siblings once in a while and hates to do homework. He doesn't get great grades in school. But really he's pretty laid back, mostly calm. He helps out around the house and does things like waking up early in the morning and hanging Christmas lights to surprise me, because he knows it will make me happy.
So 15 years ago my little boy came into the world. Now he is not so little, over 6 feet tall and still growing. We had a rough start at first, me learning how to be a mom, him being so patient while I figured it all out....although let's be honest, I'm still figuring it out. I'm so thankful he puts up with such a crazy mom, and so grateful that he is mine. I couldn't be more proud of the person he is becoming and the example he is to his siblings and to me. Happy Birthday <3
Ten months before I had my son, I met Todd...one month later I was pregnant. Ironically before I met him all I wanted was to get married and start a family. When I found out I was pregnant, I realized I was no where near ready. I wasn't married, we weren't living together....we barely knew each other. I was pregnant, lonely and miserable. I was flying by the seat of my pants, and did not have a clue what I was doing. For the first 3 months, I was so sick. Morning sickness sucks, having it all day sucks more. Having no one there when you are puking your guts out, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying your eyes out is just plain shitty. After the first 3 months the morning sickness went away and my pregnancy went fairly smoothly until the end when my blood pressure went up and I had to be induced 2 1/2 weeks early. Into the world came my 8lb 6oz. little boy. He was beautiful.....and I didn't know how to take care of him or even how to feel at that moment. I sat in the hospital by myself for 3 days and I kept my new little baby boy in the nursery, only bringing him into my room when I had a visitor or for very short periods of time. I went home (to my mom's house) alone with a new baby and it was the worst feeling in the world. Two months later, Todd and I finally decided to get married. We became an instant family. He already had a son who I later adopted, and I jumped into being a mom to 2 boys. I still can't tell you how I managed doing it.
Fast forward 15 years later. That little baby....grown into a teenager...has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. I can't even imagine life without him. My kid that has never known his own strength. We always had to remind him to be gentle. He was never mean, more like a bull in a china shop. He has always been tender hearted. The best big brother his sister (only 19 months younger) could have. They've always been best friends. One of my very favorite memories is of a time we were camping. Todd had taken our daughter just up a dirt road to the bathroom. She was maybe 4. We heard her suddenly scream at the top of her lungs...a bee had scared her.....my little boy started running up the road because he "needed to help her". The look of concern on his face for his little sister who he thought was hurt was one I will never forget. He is no different today. He is kind, caring and would do anything for his family. He has a great....odd...sense of humor, that I love. He can be completely crazy and off the wall especially around his friends. He is just fun to be around. Anytime we are alone he talks my ear off about anything and everything.
Oh....he is still a typical teenager. He still complains every so often about taking out the trash or doing dishes. He can still be moody and ornery. He still argues with his siblings once in a while and hates to do homework. He doesn't get great grades in school. But really he's pretty laid back, mostly calm. He helps out around the house and does things like waking up early in the morning and hanging Christmas lights to surprise me, because he knows it will make me happy.
So 15 years ago my little boy came into the world. Now he is not so little, over 6 feet tall and still growing. We had a rough start at first, me learning how to be a mom, him being so patient while I figured it all out....although let's be honest, I'm still figuring it out. I'm so thankful he puts up with such a crazy mom, and so grateful that he is mine. I couldn't be more proud of the person he is becoming and the example he is to his siblings and to me. Happy Birthday <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)