And Then Out of Nowhere.....WHAM!

Trials.....Oh man.....while I can appreciate that there is a reason we have them,  I really don't like them very much.  I'm at an age, and I've been through enough of them that I  know I'm always going to have them......we all do, that's a fact.  I'm not naive enough to think that life is just going to go along smoothly.  Sometimes they are just little, manageable bumps in the road, annoying, they slow us down, but make us take a little more time to look at things and realize we just need to breathe and rethink things and proceed over them.  Others are a little bigger... a little more difficult, they may stop us for a few beats, and then we slowly climb the hill, that we know we have to get over with a little effort.  And still others....they are the ones that stop us completely for however long it takes us to realize that the mountain sitting in front of us is not impossible.  It takes every ounce of our energy, and the love and strength and help from friends and family who support us to get over.  It may seem while on that climb, the top is out of reach and impossible, but it isn't. 

When Todd and I got married we started out as an instant family.   He had a 3yr. old little boy and I had just had a baby.   I dove head first into being a mom.....it felt more like a belly flop. I was 25, so not too young, and even though I had younger sisters and a brother who I babysat growing up it did not come close to preparing me for motherhood.  I did the best I could, going on instinct. Trying to bond with a brand new baby and a 3yr old who was dealing with everything changing in his own life.  I fell in love with that little boy and knew I wanted to adopt him....when he was 6, I was able to, and I consider him mine.  I was there through all the hard times, and all the good times.   I was overprotective and maybe a little strict.  I've changed my parenting style over the years and gotten a little more relaxed, but I've always kept the same expectations for all my children.  Our oldest has been our biggest challenge.  It hasn't been an easy ride for him or for us, but the fact that we love him and just want him to see his own potential and everything he can accomplish will never change.

Our oldest is 18 now, I've struggled for the last few years with him changing his friends, getting into trouble, going to court, never telling us when he leaves or where he is going, coming home when he feels like it, not caring to follow any rules in our house, dropping out of school, lying and stealing.  He was in the juvenile system and we've been through counseling.  I've tried to talk to him and give him advice.  He would only tell me what he thought I wanted to hear....and after a few times of that, and him not following through, well I stopped believing what he was telling  me.  Broken promises and empty apologies, and it broke my heart. For the last few months I've been nagging him about getting a job.  It was frustrating having him here sleeping until anywhere between 2 and 5 in the afternoon, then getting up and leaving with friends until whenever he felt like coming home, and the tension was unbelievably thick.  I finally told him at the beginning of this month that when he turned 19 it was time to move out, hoping this would be more of a motivation to get a job.  Not only that, right now I have my almost 16yr old sharing a bedroom with his 9yr old brother, because he couldn't handle sharing one with his older brother anymore.  We need space, he's not willing to follow any rules, and he's not motivated to do anything. I can't function like that, it drives me insane. So I gave him 5 months to figure out a plan.

Last weekend he left the house with his friend.  Tuesday morning, after being gone 3 nights I started to worry about where he was.  I know what you're thinking, but he goes camping with his friends all the time and doesn't tell us, so it's normal for him to be gone for the weekend.  I had Todd text him just to ask "Where are you?"  I wasn't expecting his response.  He texted back saying, he was working out of state, and had just decided to move on with his life. He wouldn't call, he wouldn't tell us where he was, all that he would say was that he was fine and he would check in once in a while.  After a few more times of questioning him and trying to make sense of it, I finally just told Todd to say Ok, we love you.   I've spent the last couple of days, questioning every decision that I've ever made with him, feeling like a complete failure as a parent and wondering what I did wrong. How did I manage to raise a child that I love, that one day just leaves the house, not taking anything, not saying good bye, just walking away, and waiting for us to realize he hasn't been here for longer than we are used to before he vaguely lets us know anything?  I don't get it, and I feel helpless.  The not knowing hurts, maybe that was his intention.  Maybe it's because he's still 18 and he doesn't realize that his choices don't just affect him.  The reality is, I know I'm not a failure as a parent.  Every parent makes mistakes, we do not automatically know how to raise children just because we have them.  We learn by trial and error, trust me, I'm still trying to get it right.  I know a little more now than I did then....a little.  We do our best and hope in the end we did something right to help them in their lives.

So I'm trudging my way up this hill, it's a little scary.  I need to have faith that things work out as they are supposed to.  I'm honestly having a hard time with that one.  I worry about him, although I know he is capable of doing whatever he has set his mind to do. And all I can do is keep him in my prayers, keep trying to talk to him,  hope that his life is going in a more positive direction, and hope he realizes how much his family really loves and cares about him.  We don't always love or agree with the choices our children make, but it doesn't make us love them any less.  Maybe one day he will understand that. And I'll continue up my hill hoping the next one is a little farther away....

Saying Goodbye to Summer

School has started.  We are starting to have days that are a little bit cooler and summer is coming to an end. It went by entirely too fast.  We didn't go on a vacation or even a stay cation, but we had a full summer of just....enjoying summer.

We ran in the Color Me Rad 5k

I planted my gardens

We celebrated the 4th of July

...and birthdays

Relaxed and did some swimming

Enjoyed the beauty all around us

And said Goodbye to a place we love

And to celebrate losing 55 pounds,  I allowed my picture to be taken.

Reluctantly I say goodbye to the this summer, as I eagerly look forward to the next.  :o)

Balance Equals Happiness

First of all if you like following along, I apologize for the lack of posts lately.  Going back to work nights, combined with summer means I've been one busy mom.  The kids are back to school this week and today for the first time in it feels like forever I have a few hours to myself, so I thought I would share what I've been thinking about.

I've had this post in my head for a few weeks now.   I'm a person that does not enjoy reading self help books.  Not because I don't think the people writing them have good points, but because I'm a person that likes to explore my own mind, figure out things for myself.  I like looking at things from different angles and talking things out.  I think everyone has their own story.  What works for me, won't necessarily work for you. Our minds are amazing and complex, and I want to be able to explore that on my own, without having someone tell me what I need to do to be happy.   That's just me though.  I do however love reading books that make me think about life. I like books that relate to me, where I am right now in my life.  I have a job that I can sit and listen to whatever I want for 8 hours a night, so I listen to books.  Every once in awhile I come across books that stay with me. I happened to have 2 in the same week.  "The Mermaid Chair" by Sue Monk Kidd and "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom.  I loved both and started thinking about this post shortly after finishing them.

Balance....mind, body and soul.  They all work together.  If one of these is off or out of balance, we don't feel so great.  I don't know if this is a common sense thing for everyone, but it is for me.  If our lives are in balance we can certainly handle things a little better.  Right?  I think so.  The hard part.....well... figuring out how to get there.  I can tell you from my own experience that I was off balance for a very long time, pretty much my whole life.  I was always (maybe not always) a person that put a smile on my face for the world, when on the inside I was miserable.  Overweight, unhappy, and I thought very little about myself.  I stopped going to church a long time ago, because I didn't want anything to do with being spiritual or religious. In short, I didn't care about much, I felt sorry for myself, because my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to go....and of course that wasn't my fault.  Yea...right.  I guess one day I realized that I'm just not the same person I used to be.  I've had experiences that have truly changed me, that have made me stop and think about who I am and that have made me question so many things about myself.  So I have to be honest when I say I didn't know that my life was in balance until one day I realized, even with everything going on around me, I could say that I was happy.  I am happy.  How did I do it?  It wasn't something that I said... I want to do this...I'm going to set goals and I'm really going to focus on changing myself.  I don't work like that.  This is why I say it is different for everyone.  You have to be willing to change.  You have to understand that it isn't easy.  You have to be willing and find a way to confront all the things that hurt you, that cause you pain and sadness....counseling, talking with friends, praying, medication, meditation....there are so many ways...but when you confront those things you have to be ready to find ways to deal with them.  If something in your life is making you unhappy you have to either let it go, or find a way make it work.  So mind, body and soul.  Where did I start?  My body.....One day I decided I wanted to be around to see not just my kids grow up but hopefully grandchildren.  I woke up to the damage I was doing to myself physically and knew I had to change something. So I did.  This one actually came last, because I only started working on it in the last 6 months or so.  I'm down almost 60 pounds and I'm not dieting.  I honestly just changed what I eat, started exercising and got a little help from my doctor.  I'm doing this for myself.  I want to feel good, and I do. My mind.... was somewhere in the middle, and that has been my journey I guess through writing.  I didn't start my blog to accomplish anything.  I did it because I needed to vent.  I was sitting at home taking care of  a husband that drove me crazy when he wasn't sick, I felt like I was going insane (and I probably was), and I needed a release.  Through writing I discovered so much more about myself and it truly surprised me.  I began a very hard, sometimes very painful journey. It wasn't planned, but as I started looking at things differently it ended up being a natural progression. I knew in my heart I had to make peace with things.  There were many tears.  There was overwhelming heartache.  Sadness, and self discovery.  Forgiveness, and closure.  There are still things I'm working on, because life still goes on around me.  My soul....where I was hurting the most....was first.  I did very little in the beginning.  Little prayers here and there pleading for help, because I was so tired, I had so many things hitting me from all sides and it was all I could do to try and keep my head above water, while life was threatening to pull me under and drown me. I started taking drives by myself.  Usually because I was angry, and slowly I would focus, I would turn my radio off and I say I talk to myself, but really I was talking to God.  I would go through everything I was feeling and I would slowly figure out how to solve problems.  And even though I would leave on these drives so angry I couldn't see straight, I came home feeling better, renewed with a sense of hope.  My soul, my spirituality has progressed over the last couple of years.  Mind, body, and soul working together as one gives me an inner strength and happiness I've never known. Each one reinforcing the strength of  the others.   Is it is easy? No.  I am constantly working to stay balanced, my arms outstretched like I'm walking on a beam.  Is my life perfect?  Far from it.  I still have trials, I still have stress, I still have frustrations and worry about finances and getting bills paid.  I have to put aside every want to take care of the needs of my family.  This is called life, and right now this is how my life is.  The day I discovered and understood that all three were working as one happened a couple of weeks ago, when my 18yr old decided to come home at 4am, so drunk he couldn't stand.  After 5 minutes of me starting to lose it and him throwing up on my living room floor, I walked to my room, picked up the phone and called the police to come take him away.  Yes I sent him to jail. Living with an alcoholic husband for years, means I have very low tolerance for this now.  When he called me a couple of hours later begging me to bail him out, I said "No...I love you" and hung up the phone. He stayed a full day until he was released.  When I talked to him the next day, I explained to him why I did it.  Why this one thing, was the most disappointed I've ever been with him and how much he hurt me.  This single act brought back a tidal wave of memories and pain crashing over me, that I'd already made peace with. I decided at that moment it was not going to drag me under, and it didn't. Life went on that day, and even though I was upset with my son for doing this, I could honestly say that I was OK.   Yes, balance equals happiness....inner peace....strength.  It helps me to focus and fight the hard battles and gives me hope for the future, and I am constantly working to keep my mind, body and soul working as one.

What Life Was Like Growing Up

It's been a busy few weeks, life continuing on, with birthdays, swimming, yard work, appointments. Enjoying my family and also thinking continually of my best friend and her family whose father passed away this last week.  I honestly have had nothing that I really wanted to write about.  But after spending an afternoon with my mom and two of my sisters, swimming with our kids, I had a million memories go through my mind.

Summer is by far my favorite season, spring is a close second....fall and winter I could do without....unless I lived somewhere warmer.  So when I think back to growing up this is where a lot of my memories usually are.  I was born in Las Vegas and lived there for about 7 years before my family moved to New Jersey the first time.  We moved back to Las Vegas a couple of years later....and then finally back to New Jersey when I was 11. We stayed there until my mom decided to move to Utah a couple of years after my dad died.

When I think about my life, my first thoughts are of my family.  I didn't know if we were rich or poor, I don't think I ever thought of my family in that way.  We just lived and I had what I needed.  I remember the first house we lived in, it was small.  I played outside a lot.  I had a friend across the street.  I remember learning to ride my bike and learning how to skate in my brother's skates that were too big for me.  Even back then I was determined and stubborn. I remember jumping rope and playing at the park, and going to kindergarten. I had long straight hair, and I remember looking in the mirror one day and telling my mom I wanted it short.  I'm still a little traumatized by that haircut, short and then she put curlers in it....It was an Annie hair do but brown...awful. I think when I was 6 we moved into our second house.  We lived across the street from the desert, although it's no longer desert anymore.  It snowed for the first time that I had ever seen, a rare event in Las Vegas....it didn't last long.   We used to go fishing at Lake Mead and went for drives to the Red Rocks.  I don't remember ever eating fast food.  We packed lunches anytime we went anywhere.  Summer meant my older sister coming to visit.  There were even times my brother would want to spend time with me and we would go across the street to see what treasures we could find and catch lizards.   I remember riding bikes and playing with friends.  I can remember when my mom told us we were moving to New Jersey, and we were going to live right by the ocean.  I think I was pretty excited about it, and I can remember clearly what I pictured it would look like.  Living on the east coast was so different, not as many kids around to play with but there were kids next door and in one of the houses behind ours.  These are the years that I remember most.  We only lived back east for maybe 11 years but I consider New Jersey my home.  I remember my first day of  second grade, standing in line waiting to go in, meeting new friends,  playing on the play ground, and getting lost walking home.  The crossing guard, who had to call my mom to come get me, because I couldn't remember which way to go.  Many summers meant, catching lightning bugs, and playing ghosts in the graveyard when it got dark, bare footed....I still hate to wear shoes. No one really had fences. There was a lot of area to run through.  We would get together who we could on our block and play kickball at the neighbors house, or in the road in front of our house.   We spent time swimming.  Sundays were days spent at church and with family.  Surprisingly, we didn't go to the beach very often.  Life was easy.  As I got older, friends changed just because life happens. I met my friend who is still my best friend today.  The first day of 6th grade she gave me a friendship pin, and we have made a million memories since then.  Hanging out at the mall, going to movies, hanging out at her house.  Sleepovers and makeovers, laughing to the point of tears.  Summers always meant flying or driving....depending where we lived, to Utah so my dad could go hunting and we could visit family.....grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  We always stayed with my mom's parents.  It was a quiet little town, and we spent days playing at the park across the street that had a huge slide....The park is long gone, but the memories are still there.  I would sit on the front porch on the swing, and walk through my grandpa's orchard.  He had so many trees full of fruit. We would always go to Lagoon and that was a huge treat for us.  Although now that I live here, I can't stand going there anymore.  I remember mostly sleeping on the back porch that was a bedroom, and opening up all the windows.  At night I could here the screams from the people riding the rides at Lagoon, and in the mornings I could here the lions roaring.  My other grandpa had a farm, and I loved walking up the yard to see the horses, peacocks, and the goat, I know there were other birds I just don't remember what they were.  We usually got to ride a horse and it always scared me to death.  I always got to spend a day and sometimes two with my other best friend.  Our moms were good friends who grew up around the corner from each other and since we were born the same year, we became instant friends.  We ended up being roommates in college and then again a few years later. And I'm glad I can still call her my friend today.  In my teens I became the babysitter at home with 4 younger siblings.  I also became the lawn mower when my brother went to college.  I actually loved doing this, it also meant I took over mowing the lawn for our neighbor directly behind us.  A very nice old man, however his house scared me to death, so I only got paid when he noticed I mowed it and he would see me outside.  We spent a lot of time at our church, with activities during the week. This was one of my favorite places to be. Dances, basketball, volleyball, youth conference and girls camp.  So many memories, I could go on forever.  When I was 17, at the beginning of my senior year, my dad died, and time froze a little for me.  I had more responsibility than I wanted but it was necessary, and I remember very little about that year.  I just wanted to get through each day, come home, and be left alone.  Life changed for me. Up to that point life was easy, nothing bad ever happened, and I really didn't have a care in the world.  My hardest moment up to that point was the summer before my senior year when my mom threatened to drop me off at the mall and said she wouldn't pick me up until I had a job.  My dad ended up getting me a job in the HR department at one of the casinos that was getting ready to open.  Life was easy, and then it got flipped upside down.   I guess you could say I was sheltered or naive...spoiled in a way.  But as I always say, life is ever changing, sometimes we wish it didn't, sometimes it's harder than we feel we can take. This is why it's so important to make memories and write them down.  I had a great childhood, I wish life could be as simple as it was then....but what great memories I have, and continue to make with my own children.

We All Have Issues

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  My blood pressure is where it needs to be and I've lost almost 30 pounds.  I'm really quite proud of myself.  He (my doctor) asked me what I've been doing differently.  My answer, I've changed my eating habits and I'm exercising.  After coming home and thinking about it, I realized that's not it, I mean it definitely is part of the reason, but not the whole reason.   For the last five years I have battled with stress....stress...and more stress, a husband who is losing his fight with Cirrhosis, heartache, and heart break like I've never felt before, and on top of that add growing up being painfully shy, a horrible self esteem and even worse body image, and a not so great marriage.  It is no wonder that I've battled with weight my entire life, my issues quite literally weigh me down.  Sure I could lose weight in the past, quickly, easily and I would gain it back even faster.  Why?  I only dealt with what I saw on the outside, I never addressed what was really hurting me inside. I still carried all the pain with me that I've carried and added to over the years.  I've tried to figure out why I had such a poor self esteem.  I always wanted to hide myself, never called attention to myself.  I didn't want people noticing me for fear that I would be made fun of.  Why? I don't know.  I don't remember really being made fun of.  Maybe it's something I've completely blocked out of my memory.  I was always incredibly self conscious. I really wish I knew why.  These issues I left behind a few years ago.  Even though I'm heavier than I would like to be, I still think I look pretty good.  I'm beautiful (We should all be able to say that about ourselves).  I can look in a mirror and not cringe.  I do still have issues with getting my picture taken....but I truly think cameras hate me.  I can look in the mirror think I look great, get my picture taken 5 minutes later and I usually look at the picture and think..... What the Hell happened in the last 5 minutes?  I guess I don't see in pictures what I see in the mirror.  It's not an issue that weighs me down, I just happen to hate cameras.  The poor self esteem, being self conscious, and being overly shy, are gone.  They really are.  I don't worry about those things anymore, because I don't know why they were issues with me to begin with, therefore there is no reason for me to hold on to them.   The other things....well those are big and deep and painful.  Things I had to make myself face, because holding on to them continued to weigh me down.  Getting to my heaviest weight ever... and that includes pregnancy weight, made me depressed.  I couldn't believe I  let myself get to that point.  I tried dieting, I tried exercising.  I blamed it on being older when nothing was happening, and I stopped because I got so discouraged.   Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I talk to myself a lot. (I actually think I've already admitted this in past posts).  Not out loud so much, but in my head. I do a lot of thinking.  I really just sit and talk things through as if I was sitting and talking to a therapist.  Maybe that makes me crazy....I don't know it works for me, so I'll stick with it. In the past year I've done a lot of soul searching.  Figuring out who I am, why I do the things I do, what kind of person I want to be.   Hardest journey ever, I'm still on it.   Part of that journey is dealing with all the issues that are painful and yucky (for lack of a better word).   Because  really, how do I expect to be healthy in my mind, body and soul if I don't work through the "bad" stuff?   What a difference it has made.  No, my life is not perfect.  Yes I still deal with issues. I've learned to face them instead of pushing them deep down to a place where they can continue to hurt me.  Stress is always going to be a part of my life....it just is.  Saying I'll wait until my life is less stressful to try and lose weight....that's just silly.  I've learned to just deal with the stress. Ok sometimes things happen that are overwhelmingly hard, that stop me in my tracks, that throw me off for a short period of time.  I let it stop me for a moment....and that is all....a moment....and I continue on.   I'm not in any way saying it's that easy for everyone....it's not even that easy for me.  This is hard....really.....really hard.  I'm able to do it without therapy and medications.  It's different for everyone.  I just happen to have a weird way of being able to work things through in my head.   We all have issues....everyone, whether we admit to them or not.  Remember that the next time you hear someone making fun of someone else.  We don't always know the deep, personal, hard battles that everyone fights.  I know that being more aware of my own issues helps me to understand why I need to be more thoughtful about the things I say and do.  Life is a journey, we make mistakes, we hurt people, we get hurt, we learn, we grow, we heal, and we work to make ourselves better people in the process. 

And because I want to.....I'm suggesting you go listen to my feel good song today.  Corrine Bailey Rae..... "Put Your Records On".    I dare you to listen to this song and not move to the music.   :o) (For my friends on FB I posted it yesterday)

Letting the Anger Go....And Letting My Heart Feel Again

Every few months Todd has to have an EGD (Esophagogastroduodenoscopy)....a procedure to examine his esophagus to see if he has any varices, which can be life threatening.  Today was that day for him.  We were up early for a 7am time that he needed to be there, me being a little short tempered as always because no matter what I do I can't seem to get him out of the door when we need to.  As we were sitting in the waiting room for them to call him back, a cute little old couple came in, probably about in their 80's.  They sat down near us, next to each other, holding hands.  I could see out of the corner of my eye the man was watching Todd and I....we were sitting across from each other, not really talking while I filled out all of the paperwork that comes with being at these appointments.  In a whisper loud enough for his wife to hear (and me who happened to overhear) the man said, "Mary?" She said, "Hmm"  Then he said, "You are a wonderful wife......and you are my very best friend."  Now for reasons I'm not sharing with the class, my emotions have been right on the surface for the last few days, so cue the tears, and me not being able to control them as they ran down my cheeks.  Then Todd noticing....and just looking at me suddenly concerned and worried asking me what was wrong.  All I could do was shake my head and say, "nothing".    Then me frantically trying to stop the tears....because Hello....I'm sitting in the middle of a waiting room, and I'm starting to feel really stupid for having this reaction.   A couple of days ago Todd had to have an Ultrasound on his legs. As we were walking, being escorted by a nice little old lady showing us where to go, I was holding on to Todd's arm.  He was a little unsteady on his feet and his legs were hurting.  The woman walking with us turned to me when we stopped so Todd could use the drinking fountain, and said, "He's very lucky to have you."   And me being the smart alec that I am said, "I don't know, I'm sure most days he would disagree."  and she said, "Oh....I don't think so."  I just smiled, because truthfully I'm not always that great,  and looking back I should have been pushing him in a wheelchair, if only I would have known how far it was to walk.

For so long I was fighting with my feelings....my anger.   I could see the changes that were happening in him and quite frankly I was so angry I didn't care.  After all, it is his fault that he got sick....his alcoholism made him sick.   My heart was hardened, I didn't want to feel anything.  Because feeling meant I cared....and I didn't want to care.  Why should I care about someone who I felt ignored me for a big chunk of our marriage?  Someone who wasn't there for me when I really needed him, but now expects me to be there for him when he needs me.  There are a lot of people in this world that would have walked away a long time ago.  I mean really I put up with a lot of crap for a long time.  Todd isn't the same man now that I married, and I'm not the same person he married.  Personality wise...yes.   But we've both grown and found ourselves and changed.   Todd still has his sense of humor, and is still quick with a come back.  But he's older....in his body and mind.  He has a hard time remembering things.  A couple of days ago he texted me and asked where the heck I was.  It was 8:00 at night.....I was at work.  He had just woken up from a 4 hour nap and thought it was morning....totally confused and thrown for a little bit.  He sleeps so much now, his body is so worn out. This disease is slowly....painfully taking away his life, and all his doctor can do right now is try to slow down the progression of it, while trying to keep him encouraged.  I'm still angry about this disease, it's really hard not to be. However, I'm letting my heart feel again.  I hold his hand when he needs his hand held.  I sit with him when I know he's feeling scared and alone. And I cry when I over hear conversations like today, because I know I'm Todd's best friend, and I haven't been a very good one.  It's time to let the anger go, it's time to let my heart feel all the things I've been avoiding.  It's time that I stop feeling sorry for myself and start helping Todd through this.  It's time to start caring again.

I Like Sticking to a Routine

I'm a have a routine and stick to it kind of gal....that is until I get tired of it and switch to something else and start all over again.  I'm not a huge fan of change, but I don't like things to stay the same forever either.   I can eat the same thing for breakfast everyday for weeks, maybe even months.   When my children were babies I had them sleeping through the night by the time they were 2 months old.  (I've mentioned I don't do well when I'm exhausted).  I had a routine....a schedule for them and I stuck to it.  I was blessed with very good babies.  As they got older they had their naps and meals and went to bed every night at the same time.....I didn't have much of a life back then.   I had rules and schedules and I was pretty strict about keeping to them.  And then they got older and I got older and all that flew out the window.   I still have schedules that we stick to, but it mainly consists of chores being done.  One of my own routines is having a workout schedule.  I like to workout at the same time everyday... I get up, I workout, I eat breakfast, and I get on with my day....whatever the day brings.  Six days a week this is how my days went.  I have a really hard time with things getting planned during my morning routine...appointments....school stuff....whatever.   It's kind of like riding a bike and having someone put a stick in my wheel.  It throws me off.  Not sure why, but it really irritates me.  Most evenings I look forward to that morning workout and if I can't do it I feel.....blah.  When I started working nights.....man, it threw me completely off balance.  But, I started my workouts and stuck to them 6 days a week a couple months in advance because I knew going back to work would do that.  I'm still trying to find my balance.  I've dropped from working out 6 days a week to 3 - 4 days.  Mixing in even more appointments for Todd is a challenge, but I refuse to give up.  So far I've lost 25 pounds and I feel good.  The hardest part of all this is realizing that even if I can only workout 3 days a week it's still better than nothing.   Breaking from my routine that I had for so long is  REALLY hard for me, it shouldn't be, but it is.  Figuring out when to eat now....even harder.   Shifting my schedule and being at work until 3am means I don't have very much time in my day to do things anymore, unless I sleep a lot less. Me sleeping less means I get cranky....and me being cranky means I'm not fun to be around..... I like being fun.....I like sleep.  Not having a good routine right now is so incredibly frustrating, however, I'm not willing to lose sight of the goals that I set.  If I want something bad enough, I will find a way to get it done....even if it means not being able to have a set schedule.  I figure if I can get over this hurdle.....well honestly it will be a really big one for me.  Maybe it seems silly and wouldn't be a big deal for someone else, but for me it is.