So I'm turning 40.......Whatever.....

Ok before I start getting people wishing me Happy Birthday, I still have a couple of weeks....so let me enjoy my last couple of weeks in my 30's.  The funny thing is I've always said age is just a number.  I would say 95% of the time I actually believe this.  It's really how you feel that matters.  I don't feel any different now than I did 15 even 20 years ago.  I've been married for 14 1/2 years.... My oldest son is almost 18 my youngest 8....and I have moments when I'm sitting with my 4 kids and I look at them and think.....who hit the fast forward button? I swear I can remember very clearly one day sitting at my kitchen table...my youngest was 1 in a high chair...my others 6..7..and 10...and thinking I wonder what it's going to be like when they get older?  I'm telling you....it feels like I was thinking this yesterday....last week....not 7 years ago.  Didn't I just graduate from high school.....go to college....get married?   

I'll admit I did let the fact that I'm turning 40 get to me....for a couple of days.  I think it's the shock of it all. That moment when you say "Holy crap....40?!"  But then....I started looking back at my life.  I may not feel different....but I have changed so much. The way I look at life, my goals, my dreams...what I've learned.  Back then I was shy, naive, I had zero self confidence, I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted out of life.  And I realized, I'm ok with where I am right now.  I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing in the future.  I even love the age that my kids are at.  I might have 3 teenagers with full on teenager attitudes...but it's nice to be able to have conversations with them about their dreams and life and what they think and worry about and I love that we have that kind of a relationship.  And my youngest is so sweet and full of life...he is my sunshine everyday. 

So yep...I'm turning 40 and honestly it's not a big deal....I'm not someone that really does birthday parties.  I would rather have a get together and bbq with friends and family on a random day than have a party for myself.  I would rather go out and buy something that I need for my birthday than have people give me presents.   I gave up on my husband buying me presents long ago...we just don't have the same taste and he's sentimental....and buys things that he thinks I would like.  After the birthday that he took me shopping for a sewing machine...(I don't sew...not then...not now...not ever) and I hurt his feelings, because this was something he really wanted to get for me... I decided just to tell him, please don't worry about my birthday.   I still have the sewing machine...I still don't understand why he had to buy it for me when I told him I didn't want it....and I've still never used it 10years or more later although my daughter does, so I've handed it down.  For me, my birthday is just another day....with cake and ice cream.  I'm perfectly happy just spending it with my family....No presents needed.  And I've decided I like being the age that I am...20 was nice, when I was 20.  But I like still feeling like I'm in my 20's and knowing so much more.  It's really not a bad thing.  40....whatever...it's just a number. 

The Talk....

For about the past week....really since I came home from our reunion I've been in an ornery...depressed....bitchy....I don't want to get out of bed and do anything so leave me alone kind of mood.  I have gotten up and done things and gone on with my life, but in the quiet rare moments when I'm by myself.....I just can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Last week I had a day that I stayed in bed until about 2 in the afternoon... I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to talk to anyone, when my kids opened my door I pretended I was still sleeping (It's a good thing my kids are older).  I laid there thinking about life, about the future and wishing I just knew what to do.  I finally got myself up...got dressed...and walked out the front door.  My kids all looked at me and asked where I was going....my only reply...."Out keep an eye on your little brother."   I drove around my town, paid a couple of bills, stopped at the local Chevron for a drink....and found myself parked in front of the cemetery.   I just sat there....thinking...crying.  I came to two conclusions.  Before my husband dies he needs to be at peace.....The thing is I don't know how this is going to happen.  I know it's important for him and me to be....OK.  Man have I struggled with this one, because for me and him to be ok....I have to be ok.  I'm working on it and getting there.  I realized I can't continue to hurt him/ punish him for the past just to make myself feel better.....trust me, it doesn't work. But I know that WE are getting closer to being alright. The hard part would be...him and his dad.  He NEEDS to talk to his dad about the past...and his dad avoids the questions.  I don't know if Todd can be at peace if he doesn't feel like his dad even loves him.  It's a tougher situation than even him and I....at least we hash it all out...get it out into the open and try to resolve it.....try being the most important word. His dad basically says what's in the past is the past get over it.  Yes...maybe....but not in this case. So I'm trying to help him with this.

The second thing I decided as I drove through the cemetery...where my dad is...my grandparents...my nephew....generations of relatives...is that I needed to sit down with Todd and have "the talk".  The one I have avoided since the year we found out he was sick. All the things I didn't want to think about because it starts to make everything too real.  You would think I would have thought about some of this stuff, when he was in the hospital....when I was fighting with his family about what his wishes were while he was laying there in a medically induced coma.  I wasn't thinking about anything then...except driving to the hospital everyday and driving home.  So yesterday I sat down...and let him know what I've been thinking about, what I've been worrying about.  Getting his affairs in order...so to speak.  I want everything decided...the funeral...where he wants to be buried...what he wants to do with his stuff....Names that our oldest son who I adopted needs if he ever chooses to go looking.  Stuff that I don't know...that I need to know.  He had a hard time with this conversation, and I'm not going to push him to get it all done at once....little by little.  But, I don't want to fight with his family when he's gone, I want everything clear, so there is no question.  And I know that I won't be thinking clearly enough to make decisions afterwards.  I can't even imagine how hard all of this is for him....and now I'm telling him we need to start planning things....but it needs to be done.  So my mood has been a little off.... But at least we have things out in the open....dealing with the subjects we have been avoiding....because it's hard...and it sucks.....but at least trying to deal with them.  And we are taking moments to find some peace and smile even if it's little things like the whole family wanting to go with me to return a movie...2 minutes away from our house and then stopping off at Dairy Queen for some ice cream.  We still have to live life....and we still have to carry on...even on the hard days...

Back to Reality...

I think the last two weeks have quite possibly been the craziest, most stressful....that I've had in a long time.  Last week, we (my four kids and I) traveled to Gatlinburg, Tn for my family reunion with my six siblings their families and our mom.  Every other year we choose another random spot to go.  It is pretty much the only time we are all ever in one place. I love it... I love seeing my brothers and sisters that I don't see very often and my cute nieces and nephews that are growing up so fast.  This year I didn't know if I was going to be there, especially with everything we are dealing with at home.  My mom would ask me if I was going and all I could say was.... I don't know.  She finally ended up just getting plane tickets and saying we'll see what happens.  My stress began when I knew I was going to have to tell my husband I was going but he wasn't.  He physically couldn't make the trip....and he would have been so exhausted by the time we got there. It just wouldn't have been worth it for him to go.....well we've gone and come home....and he's still upset about it. I've come to the conclusion that in my life whatever decision I make I'm always going to hurt someone. It would really be nice if one day it didn't have to be that way. Anyway.... the two weeks before we left I was filled with anxiety.  As I get older I hate flying more and more....so my sleep was off, I was having awful dreams and I couldn't get myself excited about going.  I had to figure out how I was getting my husband to the place he was supposed to stay.... because of course his family wouldn't help.  I had to figure out what to do with the dog...and the fish.  And I had to buy clothes that actually fit my children since I had a couple go through major growth spurts this year. It was a lot of running around and making sure I had everything I needed.  (You have to understand....aside from these family reunions...since I've been married I haven't been on vacation in the last 14 years).   Finally the week before, I got everything worked out....Todd ended up staying home, because he refused to go to the nursing home...and we had someone check on him daily. Everything else just fell into place. 

The day before we left....my car died...well it decided to start over heating. My only car that works....what I was supposed to drive to the airport.  I knew I could get a ride to the airport (and we did)....it was the fact that I was going to come home to a car I had to fix.....and I cried.  Then the fun began.  Now I don't know if you've ever had the joy of flying to or through Atlanta....but unless I'm visiting my sister in Georgia....I will never go there again.  We arrived in Atlanta on time and had a 2 hour lay over before our flight to North Carolina...2 hours turned into 3...then 4 then 5...and then they canceled it altogether.  I only had 5 days on this trip...I had already known that 2 of those days would be spent traveling....We couldn't get on a flight until the next morning. My 3 days of rest...recharging my batteries so to speak...was cut down to 2 1/2.  I was stressed and upset, but I couldn't wait to see everyone so I pushed it all aside.  We had a 2 hour drive through the Smoky mountains...it was nice.  I like driving....I prefer driving. I was totally contemplating just driving home after the reunion to avoid flying altogether.  When we finally got to our destination I felt like I could breath a little. 

It was 2 1/2 days that were packed with things to do...and we had so much fun. I was glad that we went.  I forced myself to be around everyone...because even though I was glad to be there....my emotions were always close to the surface.  It was hard looking around and seeing my siblings with their spouses.  I was alone.....and I felt very much alone....it could have been very depressing....but I kept busy. We wore ourselves out.  It was a full and well spent 2 1/2 days.  I wasn't gone long enough to relax....but it's ok. My last night there....I spent up all night with the stomach flu. One of those REALLY?!?!? moments.  I honestly spent a lot of my vacation thinking that Karma was coming back on me.  Between the car and the canceled flight and the stomach flu....good grief...I can never do anything and have it be easy.  We got home safe and sound...and on time...and I managed not to puke on the flight home after the night I had had. Got up the next morning and checked on and weeded my gardens...all was good...and then I slipped down my stairs and sprained my foot.....again...REALLY?!?!?  Well....I can't complain too much I got to stay in bed for 2 days and got some rest. And the pain isn't too bad anymore.  The car is getting fixed...hopefully I'll have something to drive again tomorrow...and  life goes on.  All I can do is look back over the past couple of weeks and be thankful....it may have felt like a dream because it went by so fast...but I'm glad we went.  I'm glad we had that time together...and I'm so very thankful to have the family that I do.