This Christmas...

It's been a little crazy around here for the last few weeks.  This time of year means overtime for me at work, rushing to get things done on my days off, and never having quite enough time.   Add in doctors appointments and remembering to fill prescriptions.....all the everyday stuff I deal with.  There really are not enough hours in the day, and by Tuesday (which is my Friday) I end up staying up after getting home (that would be Wednesday morning) from work and skipping a full day/night of sleep.  You would think that I would be full of all sorts of Christmas spirit. I try I really do, because Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  Unfortunately I kind of turn into a Grinch.  I become so overwhelmed with everything that has to be done in the small amounts of time that I have to do them, that I turn into a  kind of ornery, short tempered, not very nice person to be around.  I can't remember the last time I sent out Christmas cards. I couldn't even figure out how to work that in last Christmas when I wasn't working and I had time to do things.  I'm not a very good multitasker.  Give me too many things to think about and do and I become a crazy person....it's true ask my husband and kids. 

Last Christmas I took advantage of being home and did all the traditional things I love.  We did  gingerbread houses (not store bought I actually made them).  I baked cookies and made tons of treats.  We drove around and looked at all the lights at night and I was able to go to my daughters Christmas concerts for Orchestra and choir.   I didn't stress out over anything really, except for gifts, that's usually my big stress.  Figuring out what to buy everyone and how to do it on a very small budget.   It was really nice to be home and have that time.

This Christmas I haven't baked at all, the usual treats I make... that I had all intentions of making, even bought everything I needed to make them....have fallen into the there is no way this is going to get done, and I'm not going to stress out about it file.  The tree and decorations were finally put up last weekend, because my kids are awesome and they spent a couple of hours decorating.  The presents have all been bought....almost.  Today is my last day to shop.  I'm taking my kids out after school so they can finish up what they need to and so can I.  It would be a lot nicer if it wasn't snowing like crazy, but today is my last day I can shop and so we absolutely have to go.  I was able to go to one Christmas concert, but I had to miss one, which makes me sad because I love going to them.   Yesterday I took my husband out shopping all day.  He loves to go shopping....I hate to go shopping.  He can wander for hours without buying a thing.  I have to shop with a purpose, and I walk into a store buy what I need and leave in the shortest amount of time possible.   Yesterday I let him spend the time he needed, without being my normal impatient self.  It's hard to describe what I've been feeling lately, but I've had a lot of moments when I'm by myself either at work or in my car, that I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I guess I feel like this really could be our last Christmas together.  It's just a feeling and I've been known to be wrong on many occasions, but he's having a hard time lately.  His health has gotten worse.  I think he's kind of feeling the same way.  We both (without consulting each other) thought about things to buy this year that would be special.  Yesterday he was in search of  those perfect gifts just from him.  My idea this year is to give everyone a memory book.  I want my kids (me and Todd too, as much as he is able), to start writing down our memories.  More specifically for the kids, I want them to write down things they remember doing with their dad, adding pictures if they want.  If you know how much I don't like to scrapbook, you probably think I've lost my mind doing something like this.  I do make exceptions for things.  Memories are so important, and if we aren't writing them down, they can be too easily forgotten.  So yesterday, even though Todd was in pain, we shopped together and found those special things he wanted to buy, and he had a really good day.   He's been asleep for a little over 12 hours now,  and I'm sure will sleep for a few hours more, possibly through the day.  He sleeps a lot now, it doesn't take much to completely wear him out.  Yesterday was extreme, but I really believe he gets an adrenaline rush when he knows he can go shopping, it's kind of crazy, but true.  Less than a week to go and I just want to make it through with the least amount of stress possible, and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  We have been so thankful over the years when others have given when we were in need.  If you know me at all, you know it's hard for me to accept any kind of help.  This year we are able to give back, something that is very important to me...Paying it forward.   So this Christmas we may have barely gotten the tree up  and didn't do the traditional things that we usually do, and I've had a few moments of...well overtiredness (I'm pretty sure that's a real word), but we are doing what we can with the time we have and still making memories in the process.  Always make the most of the time you have.  From our family to yours, I hope you all...

Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Thankful for....Everything...Almost

I have had one Hell of a morning.  It started with a wake up text from my 15 year old who took the wrong back pack to school (I'm still trying figure that one out), and needed me to bring him the right one,  a complete waste of a trip to the Social Security office, where I sat for 45 minutes, next to a guy wearing Homer Simpson slippers to find out I was missing one piece of information that they needed, and a parking ticket because I'm an idiot and my car's registration is expired.  So by 10:15am after being driven to the point of insanity, I drove to the nearest gas station, bought a giant diet coke, and a giant cookie (actually half peanut butter cookie, and half brownie)...and proceeded to numb my brain with more sugar, calories and caffeine than anyone should ever have in one sitting, especially at 10:30 in the morning....I might be feeling a little sick, but the frustration has significantly decreased.

There are two ways to look at life.....positively or negatively, with a lot of variations in between. I wish I could say I was a person that was positive about everything....I'm working on it.  Glass half full, glass half empty. If you were being completely honest with yourself where would you be?  This past year, has marked a significant changing point in my life. I woke up and realized that I've been really stupid about a lot of things.  I was bitter, angry, jealous, confused, blinded....and avoiding things because I was tired of being hurt. Tired of not being able to have "that" life....you know the one where I wouldn't have a care in the world, where my husband took care of me and everything, where I could go on vacations and wouldn't have to work, or worry about money and bills and holding on until my next pay day when I still have a week to go and $50 to my name. Life has been this way for so many years that it wore me out.  I will never claim to be a writer, but writing all this down and sorting everything out, is what helped me change my way of thinking.  When I look back at my life, specifically over the last 17 years,  every trial that I have been through, every experience that I have had that has brought me joy, or caused me pain, filled me with sorrow, humiliation, regret has made me who I am today.  Everyone could say this.  It took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Because of that, I can be, and I am thankful for every experience that I've been through up to this point. Really.  I can't say I've enjoyed every experience or trial that I've had, but I can look back at my life and instead of looking at it with regret, I can be thankful for everything that I have learned because of the choices I made.  So what am I thankful for, since it is November and this is what we do in November?  I'm thankful for just about everything and everyone in my life.  I might not be thankful for the stupid ticket I got today, but I still have a car to drive and a reminder that on pay day the registration needs to be done.  I might not be thankful that my husband is very, very sick. However we have been extremely blessed when it comes to his care.  I'm thankful for every single person that we have come across in the medical field. Doctors, nurses, CNA's, wound care specialists, pharmacists, and his hospice team.  Many of which I have become friends with.  People who have bent over backwards to help us. There are definitely things I wish didn't happen but, if I'm looking at things with my glass half full, I can see the things to be thankful for, despite the stuff that isn't so great that is going to happen anyway.  So I'm thankful for everything.....almost, and the things I don't want to be thankful for, well there's always cookies to help me feel better....I think we can all be thankful for cookies.

I Am...

Yesterday, when my kids came home from school I asked them to do something for me.  I had them write at the top of a page the words I Am, then I told them to list as many things as they could or wanted to, that described them.  I told them I wanted them to be completely honest and not write things they thought I wanted to see. I did the same for myself.  I wanted to see what my children really think about themselves.  We live in a society where there are so many unreal ideals of how we should look.  Society telling us how we need to  act, or what to think, and I wanted to see how this affects them. I hardly ever watch tv anymore, I can't stand to,  reality tv has taken things to a whole new level of stupidity. I don't want my kids to think that what they see on tv or in magazines is "real", because even reality tv is not.  You want reality, sit down with your family...your friends...your neighbors and get to know them.  Nobody read each others lists, not even me until right now, because I didn't want anyone to influence what anyone else said.  These were our results.

My 9 year old son:   I  Am...

Cool, a brother, awesome, happy, strong, good at math, good at art, an artist, good at painting, good at Lego Batman 2, crazy.

My 14 year old daughter:   I Am...

Happy, sad, smart, talented, I love to sing in front of people, not afraid to say no, normal, a leader, a comedian, amazing, LDS, energetic, an artist,  I have difficulties, I have flaws, I am not perfect, I can't do everything right, I am not the smartest person, I don't wear fancy clothes, I suck at English, I don't have bad friends, I don't follow trends, I don't use photo shop to change what I look like, I don't do drugs, I won't do the wrong things to fit in, I don't judge, I have great friends, I am crazy, I don't fall in love with celebrities,  I am me, I am myself.

My 15 (almost 16) year old son:   I Am...

Cool, funny, smart, nice, a great friend, nice to talk to, a good listener, a hard worker, crafty, I can be a good leader, I am a Mormon, I am who I am.

And Me:  I Am...

A wife, mom, caregiver, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend.  I am not necessarily a writer, but I write what I feel. I am spiritual, a deep thinker, open minded, strong, but I have many weaknesses,  I have some scars, but I am not broken.  I am loving, and I am loved.  I am caring, and I am cared about.  I am unbelievably stubborn, better at giving than receiving, sometimes overly emotional and sometimes very angry.  I am happy, hard working, beautiful (that one is still hard for me to say).  I am a fantastic singer....in my car...when no one is listening.  I am not a size 2 and I don't want to be, but I am active and healthy.  I am an introvert, that was born a Leo, that doesn't make sense...it means I am shy and quiet unless you really know me and see my other side.   Mostly I am patient, but I am a working mom and sometimes I am tired and impatient.  I am not creative, but I have moments of creativity.  I am still addicted to Diet Coke and almond snickers....seriously is there anything better?  I am spreading my wings and learning to fly.  I am able to forgive and move on.  I am me....I am not you, I have my own mind, and I know how to think and make decisions for myself.  I am an individual.  I am all these things and more, and I am not the same today that I was 30 years ago, or 20 years ago, or 5 years ago, maybe even 2 years ago. 

I was quite impressed with what my kids said....they really are great kids. What would your list say? What do you really think about yourself? What would your kids say about themselves?  Try it. It's a great way to start conversations  that we all need to have, because this is reality.  Watching people on tv make fun of other people for the sake of being mean.....what does that teach our kids? How does that influence what they think of themselves? I know growing up I compared myself to every girl I went to school with.  I read all the stupid teen magazines and wanted to look like everyone else but myself.  I can tell you that my top 3 things on my list when I was a teenager would have been (because this is what I really felt).... I am fat, I am ugly, and I am invisible. Thankfully I don't think this anymore, but the purpose of this exercise was because I don't want my kids to ever think this way either. 

Make Peace With The Past

Last week, I was getting ready to take Todd to one of his appointments when he said, "I think it's time for me to start saying good-bye to people."   I was quiet for a few moments before I responded.  "Why are you thinking that?"  "Because I'm just not feeling right lately.....I'm not sure what's wrong with me."  Now, I don't know what time frame we are looking at with him.  I know that his doctor he sees now for his liver has told him that only 10% of people with Cirrhosis make it past the 5 year mark.  I know that we have reached that 5 year mark. I also know that at 44 Todd is younger than most people who die from this, which I think helps him.  I'm not convinced it's his time just yet, but I think he is finally coming to terms with things, and acknowledging out loud that it is going to happen.  The last part of his statement he says a lot.....and it makes me a little crazy.  Sometimes I wonder if he really understands what is going on with his body, if he's read anything about it.  I know I have, and I know I, along with his doctors have all tried to explain things to him.  I think a lot of the problem is denial or just not wanting to think about it, and it could even be that he doesn't remember what's been explained to him because his short term memory is so awful.  The main reason I've always gone to every one of his appointments is to make sure I hear the information first hand.  He always manages to hear something completely different than I do when we are sitting in the same room. 

I've noticed the last week or two that he has been a lot more tired than usual.  It could be because he pushed himself to do things for two weeks and made his body shut down and say enough.  It could be that he is more upset than he is letting on about our son leaving without saying good-bye, and us not hearing from him at all in the last month.  He could be depressed and he could be just....tired.  I don't know if this is a phase or if it's things progressing....I never know.  But I knew he was in a mind set to talk, so we did. 

As we were driving, I said to him that he should start thinking about things he maybe wanted to do or resolve in his life.  His first thought.... "Well I'd really like if you and I could go on a cruise."  Here's me rolling my eyes.....that's not what I meant.  We are so completely opposite and this one way screams it the loudest.  He always thinks in terms of money.  If he has a penny in his pocket he has to spend it.....but we won't go down that crazy road of arguments.  What I meant was...What things do you feel like you need to make peace with?  This is maybe what you should be thinking about.  Because you either deal with this stuff now, or you deal with it after you die.....it all doesn't just disappear and it's going to be painful either way.  See, Todd grew up in a family that never says, "I'm sorry." ....well I know I've heard his mom say it, but I've never heard it from anyone else.  We had a big blow up argument with his dad last October, nobody spoke to each other for two months, in December his dad sent him a text message that said... it's time for this nonsense to be over, we'll see you at the Christmas party.  No apologies. For what happened there NEEDED to be an apology.  Todd didn't respond and it's been a year since he has seen anyone in his family.  Not only has Todd hurt a lot of people in his life, he himself has been hurt by a lot of people in his life.  At some point he needs to come to terms with the fact that the past is the past.  His dad will never apologize for anything that happened when he was a kid.  Todd has tried to talk to him....his dad won't talk.  This is a man who once told his granddaughter, my niece, when she was maybe 8 and asked why him and grandma (Todd's mom) got a divorce, that if she asked him about it again she couldn't come to his house anymore.  It's obvious he has issues and needs massive amounts of therapy.  Todd will never be able to resolve the past with him, not here anyway.  So we talked about ways he could try to make peace with the past.  We had a good talk.  I asked him to maybe write experiences down.  He wasn't sure he could do that, it would be really hard.  I told him that is exactly why he should.  Todd has changed a lot over the last 5 years.  It is part of the reason why I have been able to make peace with things.  Having a husband who was an alcoholic, and doesn't remember most of what he said or did during that time, means I had to really dig deep and accept that....and it was hard, but it has been worth it.  Making peace with the past.....letting it go, frees you. I want desperately for Todd to understand this.  Why would I want that for a man who has given me years of frustration?  Because, he's not an evil person.  He deserves to be happy just like anyone else, and he deserves to move on from this life free of those chains.  Will he?  I can't even answer that.  The patterns of his life say no he won't.  But, we have the power to break those patterns.  Maybe he will.....I hope he will for his own happiness.  I think too many people wait until the end, afraid of what comes next.  I want happiness while I'm here and I want to enjoy it.  I wish Todd could have been happy in this life.  I'm not sure he has ever been.  Even though he loves me with all his heart....I know he does....he's never been truly happy.  His past has weighed him down, and it does make me feel sad for him.  I hope one day he truly will have some peace and happiness.   I know that this alone is what makes me want to do what I can to forgive, and make peace with the past and continue on.  It is a lesson we should all learn....don't wait until the end, decide you want happiness now, and try to let go of the things that can't be resolved, so you can have peace.

Write Down Your Memories, Share Your Memories

I moved to Utah with my mom and younger siblings, when I was 20.  My grandparents and relatives all live here and growing up, we would come to visit once a year.  My mom grew up in a home that was built by her grandparents.  My dad grew up on a farm in a home built by his grandfather.  I've always loved that.  Knowing how long those homes were there, and the history that surrounds them.  I didn't really appreciate any of it until recently.  Two years ago my mom faced the agonizing decision with her brother of what to do with the home they grew up in.  My grandparents have all been gone for a while now, and the house needed a lot of work. It was sold.  The couple that bought it, did exactly what needed to be done, and it looks amazing inside and out.  Although I'm sad it's not in our family anymore, it's still there and I'm happy that someone lives there and loves it.  This year my dad's brother and sister faced the same agonizing decision and the family farm was sold.  The houses will remain, but the property....the farm...will be gone.   I loved both of these places for so many different reasons.  The house my mom grew up in had a large orchard in the back, mostly apple trees, my grandpa was known for his apples. When we would visit in the Fall there were always bushels of apples on the front porch to sell. My grandpa's apples were the best.   When we visited my other grandpa at the farm, I loved walking up the yard, to where the horses were, past the peacocks and other birds, and I would run past the goat that I was a little afraid of.  I was thinking about why I used to love just walking around both of these places, through the orchard and the farm.  I remember it always being quiet,  they were kind of magical places for me.  I didn't understand the feeling I felt, walking around those places until recently, when I started really thinking about it.  The quiet, calm.  The feeling of peace and strength of family surrounding me. I could walk through either of those places and have an instant feeling of peace. I've lived within 5 minutes of both of these places for the last 21 years and didn't visit them nearly enough.

In the last month I've dealt with a son moving on, we still haven't heard from him.  His little brother misses him and keeps asking where he is.....I don't have any answers to give him.  I said good bye to our family farm and took a ton of pictures, and last week was the anniversary of the day my dad died 24 years ago. It's been an unbelievably emotional month for me, but life goes on.  I still have to go to work everyday, get kids to school, help with homework, make sure everything gets taken care of.  I love my son with all  my heart, but if he needs to figure out life without us, then I'll let him. 

I've always known how important it is to share our memories no matter how hard.  I know almost nothing about my dad's mom.  She died when he was a little boy, and it was too hard for anyone to talk about her without being overcome with grief and emotion.  Despite not knowing really anything about her, I feel a connection to her that I can't really explain. She is one person I can't wait to meet one day.  As I get older, my memory isn't as good.  I don't want my kids to grow up saying they don't know anything about their grandfather, and I want them to remember as much as they can about their own dad.  Not knowing how much time they have left with him, means that memories past and present are so important.  I love sharing memories that I have, some make me laugh, some make me cry.  Some memories aren't happy memories, but there's no rule that says you only write down the happy memories.  There is a 17 year difference between my oldest sibling and my youngest, our memories of our dad vary, some having many more than others.  My youngest sister having almost none.  THIS is why it is so important to write things down....to share them with each other....often.  It is important to remember where we come from, our memories help us see why we are the way we are.   We never know what experiences we may go through, that might help someone else years or generations later, who might be going through something similar.  Sometimes it's hard to write down what you are feeling.....do it anyway.  

“They say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.”
― Sue Monk Kidd

Write down your memories...start now, make time.  Share your memories....often

And Then Out of Nowhere.....WHAM!

Trials.....Oh man.....while I can appreciate that there is a reason we have them,  I really don't like them very much.  I'm at an age, and I've been through enough of them that I  know I'm always going to have them......we all do, that's a fact.  I'm not naive enough to think that life is just going to go along smoothly.  Sometimes they are just little, manageable bumps in the road, annoying, they slow us down, but make us take a little more time to look at things and realize we just need to breathe and rethink things and proceed over them.  Others are a little bigger... a little more difficult, they may stop us for a few beats, and then we slowly climb the hill, that we know we have to get over with a little effort.  And still others....they are the ones that stop us completely for however long it takes us to realize that the mountain sitting in front of us is not impossible.  It takes every ounce of our energy, and the love and strength and help from friends and family who support us to get over.  It may seem while on that climb, the top is out of reach and impossible, but it isn't. 

When Todd and I got married we started out as an instant family.   He had a 3yr. old little boy and I had just had a baby.   I dove head first into being a mom.....it felt more like a belly flop. I was 25, so not too young, and even though I had younger sisters and a brother who I babysat growing up it did not come close to preparing me for motherhood.  I did the best I could, going on instinct. Trying to bond with a brand new baby and a 3yr old who was dealing with everything changing in his own life.  I fell in love with that little boy and knew I wanted to adopt him....when he was 6, I was able to, and I consider him mine.  I was there through all the hard times, and all the good times.   I was overprotective and maybe a little strict.  I've changed my parenting style over the years and gotten a little more relaxed, but I've always kept the same expectations for all my children.  Our oldest has been our biggest challenge.  It hasn't been an easy ride for him or for us, but the fact that we love him and just want him to see his own potential and everything he can accomplish will never change.

Our oldest is 18 now, I've struggled for the last few years with him changing his friends, getting into trouble, going to court, never telling us when he leaves or where he is going, coming home when he feels like it, not caring to follow any rules in our house, dropping out of school, lying and stealing.  He was in the juvenile system and we've been through counseling.  I've tried to talk to him and give him advice.  He would only tell me what he thought I wanted to hear....and after a few times of that, and him not following through, well I stopped believing what he was telling  me.  Broken promises and empty apologies, and it broke my heart. For the last few months I've been nagging him about getting a job.  It was frustrating having him here sleeping until anywhere between 2 and 5 in the afternoon, then getting up and leaving with friends until whenever he felt like coming home, and the tension was unbelievably thick.  I finally told him at the beginning of this month that when he turned 19 it was time to move out, hoping this would be more of a motivation to get a job.  Not only that, right now I have my almost 16yr old sharing a bedroom with his 9yr old brother, because he couldn't handle sharing one with his older brother anymore.  We need space, he's not willing to follow any rules, and he's not motivated to do anything. I can't function like that, it drives me insane. So I gave him 5 months to figure out a plan.

Last weekend he left the house with his friend.  Tuesday morning, after being gone 3 nights I started to worry about where he was.  I know what you're thinking, but he goes camping with his friends all the time and doesn't tell us, so it's normal for him to be gone for the weekend.  I had Todd text him just to ask "Where are you?"  I wasn't expecting his response.  He texted back saying, he was working out of state, and had just decided to move on with his life. He wouldn't call, he wouldn't tell us where he was, all that he would say was that he was fine and he would check in once in a while.  After a few more times of questioning him and trying to make sense of it, I finally just told Todd to say Ok, we love you.   I've spent the last couple of days, questioning every decision that I've ever made with him, feeling like a complete failure as a parent and wondering what I did wrong. How did I manage to raise a child that I love, that one day just leaves the house, not taking anything, not saying good bye, just walking away, and waiting for us to realize he hasn't been here for longer than we are used to before he vaguely lets us know anything?  I don't get it, and I feel helpless.  The not knowing hurts, maybe that was his intention.  Maybe it's because he's still 18 and he doesn't realize that his choices don't just affect him.  The reality is, I know I'm not a failure as a parent.  Every parent makes mistakes, we do not automatically know how to raise children just because we have them.  We learn by trial and error, trust me, I'm still trying to get it right.  I know a little more now than I did then....a little.  We do our best and hope in the end we did something right to help them in their lives.

So I'm trudging my way up this hill, it's a little scary.  I need to have faith that things work out as they are supposed to.  I'm honestly having a hard time with that one.  I worry about him, although I know he is capable of doing whatever he has set his mind to do. And all I can do is keep him in my prayers, keep trying to talk to him,  hope that his life is going in a more positive direction, and hope he realizes how much his family really loves and cares about him.  We don't always love or agree with the choices our children make, but it doesn't make us love them any less.  Maybe one day he will understand that. And I'll continue up my hill hoping the next one is a little farther away....

Saying Goodbye to Summer

School has started.  We are starting to have days that are a little bit cooler and summer is coming to an end. It went by entirely too fast.  We didn't go on a vacation or even a stay cation, but we had a full summer of just....enjoying summer.

We ran in the Color Me Rad 5k

I planted my gardens

We celebrated the 4th of July

...and birthdays

Relaxed and did some swimming

Enjoyed the beauty all around us

And said Goodbye to a place we love

And to celebrate losing 55 pounds,  I allowed my picture to be taken.

Reluctantly I say goodbye to the this summer, as I eagerly look forward to the next.  :o)

Balance Equals Happiness

First of all if you like following along, I apologize for the lack of posts lately.  Going back to work nights, combined with summer means I've been one busy mom.  The kids are back to school this week and today for the first time in it feels like forever I have a few hours to myself, so I thought I would share what I've been thinking about.

I've had this post in my head for a few weeks now.   I'm a person that does not enjoy reading self help books.  Not because I don't think the people writing them have good points, but because I'm a person that likes to explore my own mind, figure out things for myself.  I like looking at things from different angles and talking things out.  I think everyone has their own story.  What works for me, won't necessarily work for you. Our minds are amazing and complex, and I want to be able to explore that on my own, without having someone tell me what I need to do to be happy.   That's just me though.  I do however love reading books that make me think about life. I like books that relate to me, where I am right now in my life.  I have a job that I can sit and listen to whatever I want for 8 hours a night, so I listen to books.  Every once in awhile I come across books that stay with me. I happened to have 2 in the same week.  "The Mermaid Chair" by Sue Monk Kidd and "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom.  I loved both and started thinking about this post shortly after finishing them.

Balance....mind, body and soul.  They all work together.  If one of these is off or out of balance, we don't feel so great.  I don't know if this is a common sense thing for everyone, but it is for me.  If our lives are in balance we can certainly handle things a little better.  Right?  I think so.  The hard part.....well... figuring out how to get there.  I can tell you from my own experience that I was off balance for a very long time, pretty much my whole life.  I was always (maybe not always) a person that put a smile on my face for the world, when on the inside I was miserable.  Overweight, unhappy, and I thought very little about myself.  I stopped going to church a long time ago, because I didn't want anything to do with being spiritual or religious. In short, I didn't care about much, I felt sorry for myself, because my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to go....and of course that wasn't my fault.  Yea...right.  I guess one day I realized that I'm just not the same person I used to be.  I've had experiences that have truly changed me, that have made me stop and think about who I am and that have made me question so many things about myself.  So I have to be honest when I say I didn't know that my life was in balance until one day I realized, even with everything going on around me, I could say that I was happy.  I am happy.  How did I do it?  It wasn't something that I said... I want to do this...I'm going to set goals and I'm really going to focus on changing myself.  I don't work like that.  This is why I say it is different for everyone.  You have to be willing to change.  You have to understand that it isn't easy.  You have to be willing and find a way to confront all the things that hurt you, that cause you pain and sadness....counseling, talking with friends, praying, medication, meditation....there are so many ways...but when you confront those things you have to be ready to find ways to deal with them.  If something in your life is making you unhappy you have to either let it go, or find a way make it work.  So mind, body and soul.  Where did I start?  My body.....One day I decided I wanted to be around to see not just my kids grow up but hopefully grandchildren.  I woke up to the damage I was doing to myself physically and knew I had to change something. So I did.  This one actually came last, because I only started working on it in the last 6 months or so.  I'm down almost 60 pounds and I'm not dieting.  I honestly just changed what I eat, started exercising and got a little help from my doctor.  I'm doing this for myself.  I want to feel good, and I do. My mind.... was somewhere in the middle, and that has been my journey I guess through writing.  I didn't start my blog to accomplish anything.  I did it because I needed to vent.  I was sitting at home taking care of  a husband that drove me crazy when he wasn't sick, I felt like I was going insane (and I probably was), and I needed a release.  Through writing I discovered so much more about myself and it truly surprised me.  I began a very hard, sometimes very painful journey. It wasn't planned, but as I started looking at things differently it ended up being a natural progression. I knew in my heart I had to make peace with things.  There were many tears.  There was overwhelming heartache.  Sadness, and self discovery.  Forgiveness, and closure.  There are still things I'm working on, because life still goes on around me.  My soul....where I was hurting the most....was first.  I did very little in the beginning.  Little prayers here and there pleading for help, because I was so tired, I had so many things hitting me from all sides and it was all I could do to try and keep my head above water, while life was threatening to pull me under and drown me. I started taking drives by myself.  Usually because I was angry, and slowly I would focus, I would turn my radio off and I say I talk to myself, but really I was talking to God.  I would go through everything I was feeling and I would slowly figure out how to solve problems.  And even though I would leave on these drives so angry I couldn't see straight, I came home feeling better, renewed with a sense of hope.  My soul, my spirituality has progressed over the last couple of years.  Mind, body, and soul working together as one gives me an inner strength and happiness I've never known. Each one reinforcing the strength of  the others.   Is it is easy? No.  I am constantly working to stay balanced, my arms outstretched like I'm walking on a beam.  Is my life perfect?  Far from it.  I still have trials, I still have stress, I still have frustrations and worry about finances and getting bills paid.  I have to put aside every want to take care of the needs of my family.  This is called life, and right now this is how my life is.  The day I discovered and understood that all three were working as one happened a couple of weeks ago, when my 18yr old decided to come home at 4am, so drunk he couldn't stand.  After 5 minutes of me starting to lose it and him throwing up on my living room floor, I walked to my room, picked up the phone and called the police to come take him away.  Yes I sent him to jail. Living with an alcoholic husband for years, means I have very low tolerance for this now.  When he called me a couple of hours later begging me to bail him out, I said "No...I love you" and hung up the phone. He stayed a full day until he was released.  When I talked to him the next day, I explained to him why I did it.  Why this one thing, was the most disappointed I've ever been with him and how much he hurt me.  This single act brought back a tidal wave of memories and pain crashing over me, that I'd already made peace with. I decided at that moment it was not going to drag me under, and it didn't. Life went on that day, and even though I was upset with my son for doing this, I could honestly say that I was OK.   Yes, balance equals happiness....inner peace....strength.  It helps me to focus and fight the hard battles and gives me hope for the future, and I am constantly working to keep my mind, body and soul working as one.

What Life Was Like Growing Up

It's been a busy few weeks, life continuing on, with birthdays, swimming, yard work, appointments. Enjoying my family and also thinking continually of my best friend and her family whose father passed away this last week.  I honestly have had nothing that I really wanted to write about.  But after spending an afternoon with my mom and two of my sisters, swimming with our kids, I had a million memories go through my mind.

Summer is by far my favorite season, spring is a close second....fall and winter I could do without....unless I lived somewhere warmer.  So when I think back to growing up this is where a lot of my memories usually are.  I was born in Las Vegas and lived there for about 7 years before my family moved to New Jersey the first time.  We moved back to Las Vegas a couple of years later....and then finally back to New Jersey when I was 11. We stayed there until my mom decided to move to Utah a couple of years after my dad died.

When I think about my life, my first thoughts are of my family.  I didn't know if we were rich or poor, I don't think I ever thought of my family in that way.  We just lived and I had what I needed.  I remember the first house we lived in, it was small.  I played outside a lot.  I had a friend across the street.  I remember learning to ride my bike and learning how to skate in my brother's skates that were too big for me.  Even back then I was determined and stubborn. I remember jumping rope and playing at the park, and going to kindergarten. I had long straight hair, and I remember looking in the mirror one day and telling my mom I wanted it short.  I'm still a little traumatized by that haircut, short and then she put curlers in it....It was an Annie hair do but brown...awful. I think when I was 6 we moved into our second house.  We lived across the street from the desert, although it's no longer desert anymore.  It snowed for the first time that I had ever seen, a rare event in Las Vegas....it didn't last long.   We used to go fishing at Lake Mead and went for drives to the Red Rocks.  I don't remember ever eating fast food.  We packed lunches anytime we went anywhere.  Summer meant my older sister coming to visit.  There were even times my brother would want to spend time with me and we would go across the street to see what treasures we could find and catch lizards.   I remember riding bikes and playing with friends.  I can remember when my mom told us we were moving to New Jersey, and we were going to live right by the ocean.  I think I was pretty excited about it, and I can remember clearly what I pictured it would look like.  Living on the east coast was so different, not as many kids around to play with but there were kids next door and in one of the houses behind ours.  These are the years that I remember most.  We only lived back east for maybe 11 years but I consider New Jersey my home.  I remember my first day of  second grade, standing in line waiting to go in, meeting new friends,  playing on the play ground, and getting lost walking home.  The crossing guard, who had to call my mom to come get me, because I couldn't remember which way to go.  Many summers meant, catching lightning bugs, and playing ghosts in the graveyard when it got dark, bare footed....I still hate to wear shoes. No one really had fences. There was a lot of area to run through.  We would get together who we could on our block and play kickball at the neighbors house, or in the road in front of our house.   We spent time swimming.  Sundays were days spent at church and with family.  Surprisingly, we didn't go to the beach very often.  Life was easy.  As I got older, friends changed just because life happens. I met my friend who is still my best friend today.  The first day of 6th grade she gave me a friendship pin, and we have made a million memories since then.  Hanging out at the mall, going to movies, hanging out at her house.  Sleepovers and makeovers, laughing to the point of tears.  Summers always meant flying or driving....depending where we lived, to Utah so my dad could go hunting and we could visit family.....grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  We always stayed with my mom's parents.  It was a quiet little town, and we spent days playing at the park across the street that had a huge slide....The park is long gone, but the memories are still there.  I would sit on the front porch on the swing, and walk through my grandpa's orchard.  He had so many trees full of fruit. We would always go to Lagoon and that was a huge treat for us.  Although now that I live here, I can't stand going there anymore.  I remember mostly sleeping on the back porch that was a bedroom, and opening up all the windows.  At night I could here the screams from the people riding the rides at Lagoon, and in the mornings I could here the lions roaring.  My other grandpa had a farm, and I loved walking up the yard to see the horses, peacocks, and the goat, I know there were other birds I just don't remember what they were.  We usually got to ride a horse and it always scared me to death.  I always got to spend a day and sometimes two with my other best friend.  Our moms were good friends who grew up around the corner from each other and since we were born the same year, we became instant friends.  We ended up being roommates in college and then again a few years later. And I'm glad I can still call her my friend today.  In my teens I became the babysitter at home with 4 younger siblings.  I also became the lawn mower when my brother went to college.  I actually loved doing this, it also meant I took over mowing the lawn for our neighbor directly behind us.  A very nice old man, however his house scared me to death, so I only got paid when he noticed I mowed it and he would see me outside.  We spent a lot of time at our church, with activities during the week. This was one of my favorite places to be. Dances, basketball, volleyball, youth conference and girls camp.  So many memories, I could go on forever.  When I was 17, at the beginning of my senior year, my dad died, and time froze a little for me.  I had more responsibility than I wanted but it was necessary, and I remember very little about that year.  I just wanted to get through each day, come home, and be left alone.  Life changed for me. Up to that point life was easy, nothing bad ever happened, and I really didn't have a care in the world.  My hardest moment up to that point was the summer before my senior year when my mom threatened to drop me off at the mall and said she wouldn't pick me up until I had a job.  My dad ended up getting me a job in the HR department at one of the casinos that was getting ready to open.  Life was easy, and then it got flipped upside down.   I guess you could say I was sheltered or naive...spoiled in a way.  But as I always say, life is ever changing, sometimes we wish it didn't, sometimes it's harder than we feel we can take. This is why it's so important to make memories and write them down.  I had a great childhood, I wish life could be as simple as it was then....but what great memories I have, and continue to make with my own children.

We All Have Issues

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  My blood pressure is where it needs to be and I've lost almost 30 pounds.  I'm really quite proud of myself.  He (my doctor) asked me what I've been doing differently.  My answer, I've changed my eating habits and I'm exercising.  After coming home and thinking about it, I realized that's not it, I mean it definitely is part of the reason, but not the whole reason.   For the last five years I have battled with stress....stress...and more stress, a husband who is losing his fight with Cirrhosis, heartache, and heart break like I've never felt before, and on top of that add growing up being painfully shy, a horrible self esteem and even worse body image, and a not so great marriage.  It is no wonder that I've battled with weight my entire life, my issues quite literally weigh me down.  Sure I could lose weight in the past, quickly, easily and I would gain it back even faster.  Why?  I only dealt with what I saw on the outside, I never addressed what was really hurting me inside. I still carried all the pain with me that I've carried and added to over the years.  I've tried to figure out why I had such a poor self esteem.  I always wanted to hide myself, never called attention to myself.  I didn't want people noticing me for fear that I would be made fun of.  Why? I don't know.  I don't remember really being made fun of.  Maybe it's something I've completely blocked out of my memory.  I was always incredibly self conscious. I really wish I knew why.  These issues I left behind a few years ago.  Even though I'm heavier than I would like to be, I still think I look pretty good.  I'm beautiful (We should all be able to say that about ourselves).  I can look in a mirror and not cringe.  I do still have issues with getting my picture taken....but I truly think cameras hate me.  I can look in the mirror think I look great, get my picture taken 5 minutes later and I usually look at the picture and think..... What the Hell happened in the last 5 minutes?  I guess I don't see in pictures what I see in the mirror.  It's not an issue that weighs me down, I just happen to hate cameras.  The poor self esteem, being self conscious, and being overly shy, are gone.  They really are.  I don't worry about those things anymore, because I don't know why they were issues with me to begin with, therefore there is no reason for me to hold on to them.   The other things....well those are big and deep and painful.  Things I had to make myself face, because holding on to them continued to weigh me down.  Getting to my heaviest weight ever... and that includes pregnancy weight, made me depressed.  I couldn't believe I  let myself get to that point.  I tried dieting, I tried exercising.  I blamed it on being older when nothing was happening, and I stopped because I got so discouraged.   Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I talk to myself a lot. (I actually think I've already admitted this in past posts).  Not out loud so much, but in my head. I do a lot of thinking.  I really just sit and talk things through as if I was sitting and talking to a therapist.  Maybe that makes me crazy....I don't know it works for me, so I'll stick with it. In the past year I've done a lot of soul searching.  Figuring out who I am, why I do the things I do, what kind of person I want to be.   Hardest journey ever, I'm still on it.   Part of that journey is dealing with all the issues that are painful and yucky (for lack of a better word).   Because  really, how do I expect to be healthy in my mind, body and soul if I don't work through the "bad" stuff?   What a difference it has made.  No, my life is not perfect.  Yes I still deal with issues. I've learned to face them instead of pushing them deep down to a place where they can continue to hurt me.  Stress is always going to be a part of my life....it just is.  Saying I'll wait until my life is less stressful to try and lose weight....that's just silly.  I've learned to just deal with the stress. Ok sometimes things happen that are overwhelmingly hard, that stop me in my tracks, that throw me off for a short period of time.  I let it stop me for a moment....and that is all....a moment....and I continue on.   I'm not in any way saying it's that easy for everyone....it's not even that easy for me.  This is hard....really.....really hard.  I'm able to do it without therapy and medications.  It's different for everyone.  I just happen to have a weird way of being able to work things through in my head.   We all have issues....everyone, whether we admit to them or not.  Remember that the next time you hear someone making fun of someone else.  We don't always know the deep, personal, hard battles that everyone fights.  I know that being more aware of my own issues helps me to understand why I need to be more thoughtful about the things I say and do.  Life is a journey, we make mistakes, we hurt people, we get hurt, we learn, we grow, we heal, and we work to make ourselves better people in the process. 

And because I want to.....I'm suggesting you go listen to my feel good song today.  Corrine Bailey Rae..... "Put Your Records On".    I dare you to listen to this song and not move to the music.   :o) (For my friends on FB I posted it yesterday)

Letting the Anger Go....And Letting My Heart Feel Again

Every few months Todd has to have an EGD (Esophagogastroduodenoscopy)....a procedure to examine his esophagus to see if he has any varices, which can be life threatening.  Today was that day for him.  We were up early for a 7am time that he needed to be there, me being a little short tempered as always because no matter what I do I can't seem to get him out of the door when we need to.  As we were sitting in the waiting room for them to call him back, a cute little old couple came in, probably about in their 80's.  They sat down near us, next to each other, holding hands.  I could see out of the corner of my eye the man was watching Todd and I....we were sitting across from each other, not really talking while I filled out all of the paperwork that comes with being at these appointments.  In a whisper loud enough for his wife to hear (and me who happened to overhear) the man said, "Mary?" She said, "Hmm"  Then he said, "You are a wonderful wife......and you are my very best friend."  Now for reasons I'm not sharing with the class, my emotions have been right on the surface for the last few days, so cue the tears, and me not being able to control them as they ran down my cheeks.  Then Todd noticing....and just looking at me suddenly concerned and worried asking me what was wrong.  All I could do was shake my head and say, "nothing".    Then me frantically trying to stop the tears....because Hello....I'm sitting in the middle of a waiting room, and I'm starting to feel really stupid for having this reaction.   A couple of days ago Todd had to have an Ultrasound on his legs. As we were walking, being escorted by a nice little old lady showing us where to go, I was holding on to Todd's arm.  He was a little unsteady on his feet and his legs were hurting.  The woman walking with us turned to me when we stopped so Todd could use the drinking fountain, and said, "He's very lucky to have you."   And me being the smart alec that I am said, "I don't know, I'm sure most days he would disagree."  and she said, "Oh....I don't think so."  I just smiled, because truthfully I'm not always that great,  and looking back I should have been pushing him in a wheelchair, if only I would have known how far it was to walk.

For so long I was fighting with my feelings....my anger.   I could see the changes that were happening in him and quite frankly I was so angry I didn't care.  After all, it is his fault that he got sick....his alcoholism made him sick.   My heart was hardened, I didn't want to feel anything.  Because feeling meant I cared....and I didn't want to care.  Why should I care about someone who I felt ignored me for a big chunk of our marriage?  Someone who wasn't there for me when I really needed him, but now expects me to be there for him when he needs me.  There are a lot of people in this world that would have walked away a long time ago.  I mean really I put up with a lot of crap for a long time.  Todd isn't the same man now that I married, and I'm not the same person he married.  Personality wise...yes.   But we've both grown and found ourselves and changed.   Todd still has his sense of humor, and is still quick with a come back.  But he's older....in his body and mind.  He has a hard time remembering things.  A couple of days ago he texted me and asked where the heck I was.  It was 8:00 at night.....I was at work.  He had just woken up from a 4 hour nap and thought it was morning....totally confused and thrown for a little bit.  He sleeps so much now, his body is so worn out. This disease is slowly....painfully taking away his life, and all his doctor can do right now is try to slow down the progression of it, while trying to keep him encouraged.  I'm still angry about this disease, it's really hard not to be. However, I'm letting my heart feel again.  I hold his hand when he needs his hand held.  I sit with him when I know he's feeling scared and alone. And I cry when I over hear conversations like today, because I know I'm Todd's best friend, and I haven't been a very good one.  It's time to let the anger go, it's time to let my heart feel all the things I've been avoiding.  It's time that I stop feeling sorry for myself and start helping Todd through this.  It's time to start caring again.

I Like Sticking to a Routine

I'm a have a routine and stick to it kind of gal....that is until I get tired of it and switch to something else and start all over again.  I'm not a huge fan of change, but I don't like things to stay the same forever either.   I can eat the same thing for breakfast everyday for weeks, maybe even months.   When my children were babies I had them sleeping through the night by the time they were 2 months old.  (I've mentioned I don't do well when I'm exhausted).  I had a routine....a schedule for them and I stuck to it.  I was blessed with very good babies.  As they got older they had their naps and meals and went to bed every night at the same time.....I didn't have much of a life back then.   I had rules and schedules and I was pretty strict about keeping to them.  And then they got older and I got older and all that flew out the window.   I still have schedules that we stick to, but it mainly consists of chores being done.  One of my own routines is having a workout schedule.  I like to workout at the same time everyday... I get up, I workout, I eat breakfast, and I get on with my day....whatever the day brings.  Six days a week this is how my days went.  I have a really hard time with things getting planned during my morning routine...appointments....school stuff....whatever.   It's kind of like riding a bike and having someone put a stick in my wheel.  It throws me off.  Not sure why, but it really irritates me.  Most evenings I look forward to that morning workout and if I can't do it I feel.....blah.  When I started working nights.....man, it threw me completely off balance.  But, I started my workouts and stuck to them 6 days a week a couple months in advance because I knew going back to work would do that.  I'm still trying to find my balance.  I've dropped from working out 6 days a week to 3 - 4 days.  Mixing in even more appointments for Todd is a challenge, but I refuse to give up.  So far I've lost 25 pounds and I feel good.  The hardest part of all this is realizing that even if I can only workout 3 days a week it's still better than nothing.   Breaking from my routine that I had for so long is  REALLY hard for me, it shouldn't be, but it is.  Figuring out when to eat now....even harder.   Shifting my schedule and being at work until 3am means I don't have very much time in my day to do things anymore, unless I sleep a lot less. Me sleeping less means I get cranky....and me being cranky means I'm not fun to be around..... I like being fun.....I like sleep.  Not having a good routine right now is so incredibly frustrating, however, I'm not willing to lose sight of the goals that I set.  If I want something bad enough, I will find a way to get it done....even if it means not being able to have a set schedule.  I figure if I can get over this hurdle.....well honestly it will be a really big one for me.  Maybe it seems silly and wouldn't be a big deal for someone else, but for me it is.

I Admit it......I Don't Know How to Deal With all This

It's 10:30am on Friday, I've just finished my workout after getting kids off to their last day of school, and I'm getting ready to eat breakfast.  I hear a knock on the wall, so I walk down to the garage.  Todd is struggling to get out of his chair, I notice a large cigarette burn in his shirt that wasn't there yesterday.  He's been up since about 7:30 Thursday morning.  When I say up I mean he's pushed himself so far passed the point of exhaustion that he has very little concept of time or how much has gone by, and he falls asleep where ever he sits down. This is just a part of what happens with this awful disease. I knew he came in the bedroom to get something at about 5am this morning and I begged him to lay down.  Sleepily he said, "I'll be back in a little bit," and left the room and shut the door.  When I got up a couple of hours later I found milk spilled all over the kitchen table.  I'm assuming he fell asleep while eating a bowl of cereal......I know he did. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last.  I got him upstairs, he is in a ton of pain because his feet have been down more than up.  The wounds on his legs are hurting and his legs are swelling from the fluid building up.  I get the bed ready for him to lay down, and he tries to convince me he needs to eat. I argue with him for a few minutes because he just ate not that long ago and he NEEDS to rest .  Finally I make him a deal.  "I'll tell you what, you lay down, if you're not asleep in the next 20 minutes then I'll fix you something to eat."   At this moment I can hear him snacking on granola bars, and I'm praying he falls asleep.  If not he's going to eat which will take a good hour....smoke....and probably not get in bed for a couple more hours.  He goes through these phases at least once a week sometimes twice.  I used to sit up with him begging and pleading and crying and trying to desperately get him to go to bed.  My temper always got the best of me, I got angry...really angry, and I said awful....really awful things to him during these times. I do not do well when I'm exhausted. It all started driving me crazy.  I always tolerated his family, but when these behaviors started, I started to HATE his family, for everything.  I hate them for not being here for their own flesh and blood, I hate them for making me take care of everything and offering little to no support. I hate them for blaming me for everything going on in my marriage.  I refuse to even speak to most of his family...except for one of his sisters, and even she only checks in with him once in a while, and gets irritated if he doesn't return her calls or texts.  Half the time he doesn't even notice he's gotten one. And even though I love Todd, I hate HIM for putting our family through this.  I have a hard time when people say who cares if I drink excessively, smoke, party, live for today ...or whatever because it's my body and I just want to live my life and be happy.   That's all fine and dandy, but when all this catches up to you and heaven forbid (because I wouldn't wish these illnesses on anyone) you get sick.  Who the Hell do you think is going to take care of you?  The people who watched you and begged you to stop that's who, and now have to watch you die because of it, and sacrifice their lives in the process, because we didn't want to willingly destroy our own lives, but are the only ones who are here to care for you.  I think it's selfish.  Who am I to judge though right?  I definitely have my own faults. We are not perfect.  But when you have to deal with something like this first hand, you go through a range of emotions, and anger is right up there at the top.

It's 11:45am.  I haven't heard anything in the bedroom for  awhile so I just walked down the hall to peek in on him....sleeping like a baby.  I was successful this time, it isn't always like that. I'm hoping he sleeps until I leave for work tonight. I don't stay up with him anymore, I can't.  I can't take care of him the way he needs me to, if  I'm so exhausted I can't function.  Instead I get into bed some nights knowing he's going to fall asleep somewhere else and I pray that nothing happens.  I don't know what else to do.  Some days are just hard, some days I want to get in my car and drive as far as I can, and some days can be so overwhelming that I have a hard time figuring out how to deal with it all, and for a time I shut down.   I'm not sure the best way to deal with all this.  Each day is a little different, many days I don't worry at all.....and many days that's all I do.  The only thing that is certain, is up to this point we've made it through all the hard days.....and my plan is to continue doing so however I manage to deal with it.

Complete Opposites

The last year and a half my patience level has been at an all time low.  I always considered myself a fairly patient person.....and then I got married....and had children....and my patience was cut about in half.   The last year and a half I have been pushed beyond my limits and then some.  I think most of it is I'm just mentally tired of everything.  I could really use a vacation.....by myself....which won't happen anytime soon.....but I can dream.   Going back to work is proving to be a rough transition, I never expected it to be easy.  Cirrhosis is a nasty disease.  When your liver doesn't function as it should you get ammonia that builds up,  this goes to your brain. Dangerous yes, it can kill you.  It can be somewhat controlled by medication, if you remember to take it.  It makes it so you have a hard time remembering things.  It makes you a little confused.  It makes you shaky and unbalanced.  All the time....no.  Inconvenient times, like when your spouse gets home from work in the wee hours of the morning and she wants to sleep, but can't because the lights are on and the tv is on and you think you need to eat because you're starving at 3am, followed by smoking, falling asleep in the garage for a period of time and then thinking you need to eat again......repeat a few times....not actually getting into bed for 24 hours straight or longer.  Which then means fluid starts building up in your legs and you end up in a ton of pain.  These are the hard.....really, really hard days.  These are the days I usually start spouting off about stupid crap because I'm tired.  Like....."I asked you to check my tires.  Seriously I don't get how you can go walk around a store for hours, but you can't pull a stupid hose out of the garage and check my tires for me?!"  "What if I get in an accident on my way home from work in the middle of the night because my tires are low?"   Ummm yea.....like I've never checked my own tires and put air in them before.  In my head I was even telling myself to shut up.   About an hour after that, he came and told me he checked my tires....they were absolutely fine (like he had tried to tell me)....and I felt like an Ass.

Todd and I are complete opposites, and one of my tired tirades recently I lost it with him.  No clue what started it.   Opposites attract.... that saying is so overused.  They only attract until you realize you can't stand doing anything that the person you're attracted to likes doing. If you like them enough you learn to bend, this has to go both ways.  When one person bends and the other doesn't.....it doesn't work so well.  How can you be with someone for over 16 years and they have no clue who you really are or what you like or don't like?  For years we did family things like....monster truck shows, and state fairs, watched wrestling, motor cross racing, car racing... stuff..... I HATE with a passion all of those things......HATE them...but I participated because we were doing things as a family and I was willing to bend.   Whenever we did anything, even just the two of us, we did things he liked.  Why? Because he never liked my suggestions.   I love concerts, plays, musicals, dancing, basketball, nice restaurants.  Most of the time you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt, I have absolutely no sense of style....and I'm totally ok with that.  I absolutely hate shopping, Todd thinks it's because I don't want to spend time with him.....yea I've hated shopping my whole life. But, once in a while I would love to put on a dress and high heels and go out somewhere nice and feel like a woman.   I would love to be able to go to a real salon and get my hair and nails done.  I haven't been to a real salon or done any of these things since before.....before I got married.  However, I'm also a home body.  I couldn't do those things all the time.  I like being home and just doing nothing sometimes.  That's probably the one thing Todd and I have in common.    I finally hit a point where I was tired of being the only one who ever compromises, and I blew up....and he sat there, never saying a word.  Why now?  I don't have a clue, we haven't gone out and done anything together for years, but when I'm tired it's best not to push one of my buttons, because who knows what's really going on in my head at that moment.  Yes I was being an ass again....I've gotten pretty good at it, nothing to cheer about.    He's happy just being with me, sitting next to me, but he's never really gotten to know me.....I don't understand how that happens. I guess we spent so much time doing everything he liked he just thought I would learn to like it too.  I knew I couldn't change him....but still had it in the back of my head that I would.  HA....I guess he was thinking the same way.....and it's never going to happen.  Yet another lesson learned.   And when I'm tired.....it's probably best to slowly back away.....turn....and run. 

Sometimes We Have to Let Our Kids Learn Things the Hard Way...

It's that time of year again.....Graduation.  The last couple of weeks walking through the grocery store it's in my face, on cakes and balloons and decorations to buy.   I'm feeling a little cheated, a little....sad.  I have my oldest son that should be graduating.  Instead the day he turned 18 he dropped out of  high school.  Sure, he decided he would continue with adult education because, it would be easier to help him make up the credits he needs (and he needs over a years worth) to graduate.  He almost never goes to the school, and as a parent watching the decisions he's making it's frustrating.  Of course I could be "that" parent, the one that will do anything to make sure their child graduates, including doing the make up work for them.  But there is no way in Hell that I would ever do that.

My oldest son, has never liked school.....never.  When he was in 3rd or 4th grade I got a call from him.  "Mom can you come pick me up I've got a stomach ache?"   I didn't believe him.  Why?  This is my kid that other than a cold once in a blue moon, never gets sick  I picked him up anyway, because I figured something else was going on.  When we got to the car I looked at him and asked, "Do you really have a stomach ache?"  He just sat there.....and I told him I would take him home but when he was ready I wanted him to come and talk to me about what was going on.    About an hour later he told me they were supposed to be working on an assignment and his teacher kept asking him over and over if he needed help on it.....and it got on his nerves.   I knew at that moment, school was not going to be easy with him, but I made clear I wasn't picking him up again just because the teacher got on his nerves.  He waited until he got to High School and then just started ditching classes.   He hates asking for help, he doesn't like people asking him if he needs help....and if he didn't want to do an assignment in class or otherwise he just never did it.  He made it look like he didn't care about grades or school or learning.   I never understood this.  When I found out that all he needed to do in Junior High was show up to class and do assignments to get a C average my jaw dropped.  Because he was failing.  To fail a class here you quite literally have to do Nothing.  I shook my head, my frustrations with the school system grew, as they continued to pass him from one year to the next....failing every single year.  Never making him be accountable,  setting him up to fail the next year because he was that much more behind.  The reality.....I don't know that holding him back would have even helped.   I couldn't get him to do homework, his teachers couldn't get him to any work.  He just didn't care.   I even have a rule in my house that if you want to get your driver's license when you turn 16 you have to have at least a C average.  It was never a motivator for him.  He just got his license.....on his own, this month.  I've talked to him....lectured him....begged and pleaded with him to do something.  Because I know he is  going to have a much harder time without an education.  I don't get the whole I don't care I know everything attitude.....I don't know how you just decide not to graduate from high school. 

So what do I do with a kid who I just can't get a handle on,  in the last few years I've barely been able to parent?  Who drops out of school when I tell him how important an education is in life.  A kid who I taught not to lie and steal.....and he ends up getting caught doing both.  A kid who does everything opposite of what I ask or talk to him about.  I'll tell you what I do.  I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Look....I love you, I will always love you. but if you want to learn all this the hard way....then go for it.  I'm done lecturing."   I'll be completely honest, I have a hard time having conversations with him right now.   I don't know why.  He at least has a job and his own transportation that he got on his own.   He has a lot to learn about life....and I guess when it comes down to it we all did when we were 18.  In some ways he's ahead of the game, but without that all important education he's going to find himself slowly falling behind.   So I sit back and see my friends who have kids graduating, and how proud they are.  And I'll be honest I'm jealous.  We should be celebrating.  I should get to take graduation pictures and have a party.....and I can't help but be a little disappointed.  However, I'm all about letting our kids make choices, and letting them deal with consequences on their own.  I can't live life for my children.  I can give them advice, I can tell them I'm not happy with something they are doing, I can help guide them in the right direction, but ultimately they have to learn it themselves.  So you have a child that you tell not to touch the stove because they might get burned......and they touch it anyway, just because....and they get burned.  Maybe they have a scar, but they won't likely do it again.  As our kids grow up we give them advice....it doesn't mean they are always going to follow it.  Hardest part of parenting....letting our kids make mistakes.  We all have to, I'm pretty sure I still make mistakes on a daily basis.  We know this is part of the learning process. It's hard to sit back and watch it happen, but if I want my children, especially my oldest right now to learn, I have to let them make mistakes and try again.  We all figure it out eventually....right? 

Back to Work

One day left......deep breath in......and out.  I really have no idea how I'm feeling about all of this. I have to admit I'm a little bit anxious.  It's not like being a working mom is new to me.  The last year and a half is the longest I've gone without a job.....at least as far as I can remember....(My memory is crap).  I've probably said at least a hundred times now, life is always changing, and we are constantly readjusting.  I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have to constantly adjust to life changes.  I think I would get bored very quickly.  I don't typically plan anything too far in advance, I do things spur of the moment....or last minute.  Although I have to admit it would be nice if life slowed down just a little bit.

So here I am, going back to my job that I left a year and a half ago. I'm going back to the same schedule I worked when I left.  I'm going back to late nights and little sleep. (although summer is almost here so I'll have a little relief).   None of this is new.  When I first started this job, I was working 6-10 hour shifts 5 days a week (I started right at a busy time).  I was getting home between 4 and 8  in the morning.  Todd was working construction driving a dump truck and was working 12 to 15 hour shifts.  Many mornings I was calling him, and telling him I was 5 minutes from home and it was ok for him to leave.  Our kids were still little.  My youngest was barely a year old.  I slept when he took naps....sometimes not at all.  I left for work after I put everyone to bed.  I look back at those times and in some ways now seems much easier.  Ok I don't know if I would say easier......different....but definitely not harder.  I  call it my survival mode. Back then I had little ones.  Now everyone is in school, but I have more things I have to take care of.  I'm still a mom....and a caregiver.  I still have to make sure everyone is where they  need to be.  I still have doctor's appointments that I have to take Todd to.  I still have to do everything I've been doing for the last year and a half and add work on top of it.  Can I do it?  Well, of course I can.  This isn't why I've been feeling anxious.  Am I going to miss getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night?  You better believe it, but I'll deal with it.   So what's with the little bit of anxiety I'm feeling?  I worry about the hours I'll be gone before everyone is in bed for the night.  I worry about Todd and our oldest son not getting along. (I'm usually the mediator).  I worry about my two middle kids having way more responsibility dumped on them than they need or deserve right now.  I worry about my youngest, having to get used to me not being there every night.  I worry about Todd deciding he needs to go to the store for something and him not being awake/alert enough to be driving.   I worry that something will happen that might be too hard for the kids to handle.  This is all just part of my world right now, and stuff I don't need to worry about 90% of the time.   Everything is still up in the air.  I don't know what Todd's health is going to be like in a month or 3 months or a year.   So the reality is, my worrying is a little bit silly....for the most part.  But that 10% of the time is why I'm a little anxious.  I'm hoping that the transition back to work goes smoothly, and, I think it will be.  I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now.  It's not my favorite place, but it came up right when I needed it, and I just have to see how it goes.

Like I said, being a working mom isn't new to me.  Over all I've really enjoyed being home.  Yes, we've had a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, frustrations, tears, arguments. It's been crazy and fun and frustrating. We've had some really good moments and some that I would rather not relive. If I'm being honest, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for good.  The reality is, I probably never will be again, and I would probably go a little bit nuts. I need to have something I'm doing that gets me out of my house for a while.  Adjustments.....it's part of life.  It might be a rough first month, but here goes nothing...