I look back over the past few months...really over the last year and I can't help but to be grateful. Yesterday I had a headache it was one that had been lingering for a few days. Lack of sleep does that to me. So I stayed in bed most of the morning fading in and out of sleep. I like Diet Coke...you've probably figured that out. It's an addiction really, and I had none in my fridge and I'm completely broke right now so I couldn't even run to the store. At some point while I was sleeping someone came to my door and when I woke up in the afternoon and walked to my kitchen there sitting on my counter was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke..... along with some cookies and Hershey kisses. I don't know which one of my neighbors brought it over I don't even know why.....but it's these little acts of kindness that I've been receiving lately that make me smile.
I'm extremely stubborn this is no secret. People ask me all the time if I need help with anything...if there is anything they can do...anything they can do to make things easier...anything at all. My answer is always... No I'm ok, there's not much anyone can do, this is just how life is right now. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I have a hard time asking people to do things for me that I should have no problem doing. The truth is when Todd was drinking there were a lot of times that were harder than what I'm dealing with now. Not to mention I've always worked, I've balanced being a full time working mom and taking care of kids and staying up all sorts of crazy hours with my husband who was drinking and always needed to eat when I would get home from work. (but I'm not going into that right now) Honestly some days I feel really lazy, there isn't that much I need to do. I could even work if I had anyone willing to come sit at my house 9 - 10 hours a day (taking into account drive time) for a full work week....ok that's never going to happen because I would never ask anyone to do that. I never thought adjusting to not working would be so hard. Really the mental stress is the hardest part.
Over the past year my neighbors...friends and family who have all asked what they can do are learning they will never get anything out of me...except on rare moments. You would think at this point they would walk away...far from it. Instead I get people who just show up with a meal...with treats. I get things left on my doorstep....like boxes of food...12 packs of diet coke (I know I seriously have problems :)... things that show up at just the right times. And they still ask just to let me know they are there for me. My angels are working overtime and I'm extremely grateful to all the people in my life whose hearts are open to hear them. I've always been used to being on the giving side....being on the receiving side...I won't lie...is hard for me. And although I feel incredibly selfish for accepting help that I don't always think I need...at the end of the day I'm thankful. Thankful for my family (especially my mom) who helps me more than I will ever be able to repay...thankful for my friends and neighbors who just seem to know that I need a pick me up....thankful to Todd's hospice team who I like to think are here more for me than for him...but that's my selfish side...and I'm even thankful for my in-laws, who are putting aside their feelings (most days) so they can help their son/brother get through this. I can't say this is the hardest time of my life, but it's definitely hard. I'm constantly adjusting to something new that we are dealing with. We deal with life as it comes at us. Some days are fairly easy...some days my patience is pushed to the absolute limit. But when I look back at this time in my life I will always remember the love and kindness that has been shown to us and I will be grateful for ALL the amazing people that are in my life. Thank You from the bottom of my heart :o)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Everything Happens for a Reason...?
I kind of hate this statement...even though I believe it most of the time. It seems to be the thing that people say when something happens to us in our lives. And everybody says it. I'm sure in the grand scheme of things everything does happen for a reason, we don't always see or know what that reason is. I just have a really hard time grasping the "everything" part, with certain things that have happened in my world. So for the purpose of making me happy today....because it's all about me being happy...I'm going to say I believe MOST things happen for a reason...the rest I'll wait until I get to heaven and can have it explained to me by a higher authority.
I was thinking about this yesterday as I was processing not having a job anymore and all the things we are going through now and in the last couple of years. I mentioned I worked for the Postal Service for 6 years...well 6 1/2 years. I tried desperately to qualify to be a Career employee....which only means I would get all the nice benefits and pay that Career employees get. I was not a career employee and I got nothing but less pay and I've been paying full cost for insurance out of my paycheck every month for the last 2 years. In order to work for the Postal Service you have to take an exam...in order to qualify for a Career position you have to get a certain score on that exam. I took that stupid test 5 times... The last time I took it last June was the most important. The fact that I took it 3 times that counted for absolutely nothing made me mad. When I took the test last June...it was to keep my job...everybody had to retake the test. But the most important part of it was the center I worked at opened up career positions that had not been available for a few years. Phew...sorry I hate back stories. To make a long story short I took the test and got the...lowest...score I had ever gotten before. Same test I'd taken 4 times before that. What the Heck!!??!! The opportunity I had desperately "needed"...wanted...completely went down the crapper. Now if they would have considered any of my previous test scores I would have gotten it no problem. I was so angry.....people were getting the position I worked so hard for...I deserved...who had worked there less time than I had....who had never worked there at all. Fast forward to yesterday...ok I admit I'm a little slow these days...with stress and sleep deprivation and all. This is absolutely one of those times I can say "most" things happen for a reason....I would have lost that career position had I gotten it because I wouldn't have made it through probation...I would have lost my job back in October when my husband got sick..automatically. When I look back it all adds up...it all falls into place...and it all happened...for a reason. I was able to keep my job for the last few months along with my insurance. So when it all comes down to it I have to be ok with how it turned out. Obviously God knew I was about to go on quite the roller coaster ride over the next few months. That's just one example... I can actually look back on a lot of things that have happened in my life and see exactly why they happened. I definitely couldn't see it at the time...but months or years later I look back and say Holy cow I get it...I really get it. It's kind of a cool thing when you notice it.
There are still those things that happen...that I just shake my head and I question. Why? But I can't see the full path from beginning to end... and the really hard things, I won't get those answers until I'm ready for them. We choose a path to go down in life and we deal with the good and the bad that come our way. If you knew the outcome...would you go back and change the path you chose? The truth of it is...you can't avoid life, it happens no matter what path you choose. The good, the bad....the incredibly awful. It's all part of life and life is about learning and growing and becoming the best that we can become. It's not always fair maybe there isn't always a reason. Maybe sometimes things happen, just because they happen and maybe they don't. But this is just me... I like to figure stuff like this out.. I like to find the meanings in things. I like to work through why things happen. Forget politics...this is the stuff I can talk about for hours. Anyway take a look back at your lives....look at the times that you just didn't understand why they were happening. Can you look back now and see the events that followed that lead to any answers? Maybe you can...maybe you can't. But like I said it's a pretty cool thing when you see it... Everything happens for a reason? Well I guess I just have to wait and see...
I was thinking about this yesterday as I was processing not having a job anymore and all the things we are going through now and in the last couple of years. I mentioned I worked for the Postal Service for 6 years...well 6 1/2 years. I tried desperately to qualify to be a Career employee....which only means I would get all the nice benefits and pay that Career employees get. I was not a career employee and I got nothing but less pay and I've been paying full cost for insurance out of my paycheck every month for the last 2 years. In order to work for the Postal Service you have to take an exam...in order to qualify for a Career position you have to get a certain score on that exam. I took that stupid test 5 times... The last time I took it last June was the most important. The fact that I took it 3 times that counted for absolutely nothing made me mad. When I took the test last June...it was to keep my job...everybody had to retake the test. But the most important part of it was the center I worked at opened up career positions that had not been available for a few years. Phew...sorry I hate back stories. To make a long story short I took the test and got the...lowest...score I had ever gotten before. Same test I'd taken 4 times before that. What the Heck!!??!! The opportunity I had desperately "needed"...wanted...completely went down the crapper. Now if they would have considered any of my previous test scores I would have gotten it no problem. I was so angry.....people were getting the position I worked so hard for...I deserved...who had worked there less time than I had....who had never worked there at all. Fast forward to yesterday...ok I admit I'm a little slow these days...with stress and sleep deprivation and all. This is absolutely one of those times I can say "most" things happen for a reason....I would have lost that career position had I gotten it because I wouldn't have made it through probation...I would have lost my job back in October when my husband got sick..automatically. When I look back it all adds up...it all falls into place...and it all happened...for a reason. I was able to keep my job for the last few months along with my insurance. So when it all comes down to it I have to be ok with how it turned out. Obviously God knew I was about to go on quite the roller coaster ride over the next few months. That's just one example... I can actually look back on a lot of things that have happened in my life and see exactly why they happened. I definitely couldn't see it at the time...but months or years later I look back and say Holy cow I get it...I really get it. It's kind of a cool thing when you notice it.
There are still those things that happen...that I just shake my head and I question. Why? But I can't see the full path from beginning to end... and the really hard things, I won't get those answers until I'm ready for them. We choose a path to go down in life and we deal with the good and the bad that come our way. If you knew the outcome...would you go back and change the path you chose? The truth of it is...you can't avoid life, it happens no matter what path you choose. The good, the bad....the incredibly awful. It's all part of life and life is about learning and growing and becoming the best that we can become. It's not always fair maybe there isn't always a reason. Maybe sometimes things happen, just because they happen and maybe they don't. But this is just me... I like to figure stuff like this out.. I like to find the meanings in things. I like to work through why things happen. Forget politics...this is the stuff I can talk about for hours. Anyway take a look back at your lives....look at the times that you just didn't understand why they were happening. Can you look back now and see the events that followed that lead to any answers? Maybe you can...maybe you can't. But like I said it's a pretty cool thing when you see it... Everything happens for a reason? Well I guess I just have to wait and see...
Thursday, February 23, 2012
And so I'm Officially a Stay at Home Mom......For Now
I guess technically I've been a stay at home mom since the beginning of November when all this started with my husband. I've still had my job though, I've just been using FMLA. For the last 6 years I've worked nights for the Postal Service. I did that because for the first few years I still had my little guy at home, and I chose not to do daycare. So for 6 years I've gotten little sleep and still managed to be home during the day and work full time at night. It was hard sometimes but it was a schedule that worked for me. Last night I finally got up the nerve to call my supervisor who I had avoided the two times she had called that day. I knew what was coming, it really wasn't a surprise. And so at 10:30 last night I was officially unemployed. The thing is, I'm not that upset about it. It's not a job I loved. I've been trying to figure out how to leave that place forever. Life just forced me into making that decision....and I'm ok with it, relieved. Last night I was a little upset, but more because I had that "Oh Crap, I don't have a job anymore" kind of feeling. I've worked pretty much my entire marriage, not working for only a few months here and there when my kids were babies. I should be happy that I'm finally home with my kids because I've never really had the choice to be home or at work. So what the heck is wrong with me? Why am I finding it so hard to be home doing the mommy thing? Ok I realize these are stupid questions. My situation isn't exactly "normal"... I do have a little extra stress. But doesn't everyone? I mean really, just in different ways? I can't say my situation is harder or more stressful than anyone going through a hard time.
I always envisioned myself as the perfect mom... soccer mom, basketball mom, baseball mom....dance class mom. My brothers and sisters did all these things...and I wanted to model myself after my own mother. My reality...my kids never did any of these things.. I never even signed them up for swim lessons..except for once. I never got to be that mom.....and I have all sorts of guilt and feelings of inadequacy because of it. In my eyes, because I never was "that mom" I fell short. I've always hated that I had to work that I never got to be home. Don't even get me started on Back to School nights at the beginning of the year...I've missed 4 out of the last 6years....not all teachers thought it was a good excuse that I had to be at work and couldn't make it...more guilt.
So here I am, finally...a stay at home mom. I'm home 24 hours a day 7 days a week.... I have all the time in the world to do everything that I never had time to do when I was working 40 hours a week. I should have a schedule of dinners ready for the week... I should have all my pictures put in the photo albums I bought 2 years ago... My closets should be perfect...my carpets should be cleaned...my house should look immaculate. Right? Well here again is my reality... I roll out of bed at 7:43am to take my junior high kids to school at 7:45...come home and get my son to first grade if I'm lucky by the late bell at 8:50...still in my pj's...come home lay down for a little while, because I'm tired. Sometimes I'm up 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night with my husband...or the dog...or my little guy who last night got woken up by the wind. When my husband wakes up I make sure he gets his medication and whatever else he needs...and sometimes I get motivated enough to take a shower. My day just kind of flies by doing absolutely nothing. and all I can think is holy crap becoming a stay at home mom has made me incredibly lazy...I got more accomplished in a day when I was working a full time job. And all I think of for an excuse is maybe I'm afraid to get into a good routine because I know this isn't going to last....at some point I'm going to have to go back to work. Maybe I'm just thinking of this as some much needed time off....although to be honest this isn't anywhere close to any kind of vacation. I need motivation... I need someone to come kick me in the ass and say "come on already get something done...you will feel so much better!" Maybe this post will make me want to get something done....as I sit here eating gummy bears...Really?!? Ok time to end this post... I decided I need to go clean something... I just officially got disgusted with myself. Please tell me I'm not the only mom who goes through these lazy periods....Please.. :o)
I always envisioned myself as the perfect mom... soccer mom, basketball mom, baseball mom....dance class mom. My brothers and sisters did all these things...and I wanted to model myself after my own mother. My reality...my kids never did any of these things.. I never even signed them up for swim lessons..except for once. I never got to be that mom.....and I have all sorts of guilt and feelings of inadequacy because of it. In my eyes, because I never was "that mom" I fell short. I've always hated that I had to work that I never got to be home. Don't even get me started on Back to School nights at the beginning of the year...I've missed 4 out of the last 6years....not all teachers thought it was a good excuse that I had to be at work and couldn't make it...more guilt.
So here I am, finally...a stay at home mom. I'm home 24 hours a day 7 days a week.... I have all the time in the world to do everything that I never had time to do when I was working 40 hours a week. I should have a schedule of dinners ready for the week... I should have all my pictures put in the photo albums I bought 2 years ago... My closets should be perfect...my carpets should be cleaned...my house should look immaculate. Right? Well here again is my reality... I roll out of bed at 7:43am to take my junior high kids to school at 7:45...come home and get my son to first grade if I'm lucky by the late bell at 8:50...still in my pj's...come home lay down for a little while, because I'm tired. Sometimes I'm up 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night with my husband...or the dog...or my little guy who last night got woken up by the wind. When my husband wakes up I make sure he gets his medication and whatever else he needs...and sometimes I get motivated enough to take a shower. My day just kind of flies by doing absolutely nothing. and all I can think is holy crap becoming a stay at home mom has made me incredibly lazy...I got more accomplished in a day when I was working a full time job. And all I think of for an excuse is maybe I'm afraid to get into a good routine because I know this isn't going to last....at some point I'm going to have to go back to work. Maybe I'm just thinking of this as some much needed time off....although to be honest this isn't anywhere close to any kind of vacation. I need motivation... I need someone to come kick me in the ass and say "come on already get something done...you will feel so much better!" Maybe this post will make me want to get something done....as I sit here eating gummy bears...Really?!? Ok time to end this post... I decided I need to go clean something... I just officially got disgusted with myself. Please tell me I'm not the only mom who goes through these lazy periods....Please.. :o)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Being a Caregiver is Hard....There's No Other Way to Say it..
Ok if you have the opinion that taking care of a loved one is easy or you would have no problem doing it... go read something else, because you won't understand unless you experience it first hand. My husbands youngest half sister made the remark at "the meeting" we had when this all began, that if it were her husband she would have no problem taking care of him. I tuned out what she said from that point on because I knew she wasn't going to get it. One week later....one week, she was at my house visiting her brother who happened to be in the middle of a huge temper tantrum over a couple of dead fish in one of his fish tanks. There was no consoling him...he was in full on tantrum mode...tears...sobbing...yelling...hitting the walls...Over fish. She at one point turned to me and said, "Yea I can see now where this can get to be a little overwhelming and frustrating." And thankfully his dad and step mom also happened to be there witnessing it. It was a beyond awful day...because this was round two...a repeat of what I had just experienced that morning (because he had no diet coke to drink). But it was one of those moments where you look up and see the light from Heaven shining down and angels singing...because it was the moment Todd's family finally got it, their moment of acceptance.
I'm a fairly patient person...usually. Nothing in my lifetime....having all the patience and strength in the world prepared me for what we are going through now. It doesn't matter how much you love that person, it's hard...very, very hard. There is no other way I can describe it. I have four kids. I was able to care for them just fine before they could do things on there own. I'm really just adding another person to take care of right? No.... There is a huge difference between taking care of and changing a toddler, and taking care of and changing an adult. I foolishly thought I could handle this my myself....I didn't want help...I didn't need help. And now I'm spent...my patience is gone....I need a break. Your husband is suffering...and you want a break?!? Yes I do. And unless you are suddenly thrown into this position 24 hours a day 7 days a week you will probably not understand.
Because my husband is suffering from End Stage Liver Disease, he has all sorts of things going on that affect him. His liver doesn't do the job it's supposed to which is to filter out toxins in the body. So the toxins/ ammonia build up. One place they go to is his brain. It affects his mood, it affects his coherence, it affects his memory....it affects everything. Most days I don't know what I'm going to be dealing with. Some days he's ok, as ok as he can be. He's not ok to drive and be alone, but he can have a normal conversation, he can work on things around the house that he wants to. Other days, he is a little out of it, I have to repeat things a lot. He has days he forgets how to use his phone. It's heartbreaking to watch. He gets completely worn out to the point of falling asleep anywhere he stops for more than a few seconds. It can be standing at the kitchen counter or sitting...anywhere. These days and nights are when we worry about him falling. He has come to experience at least one fall a week lately, just because he's so worn out and his balance is completely off. These are also the days he is the most temperamental. In his head he can still do everything he has always been able to do...the reality...he can't. These are the days that are the hardest. He gets stubborn and ornery and he doesn't recognize his limitations. He can be extremely frustrating to deal with. He gets a lot of fluid retention in his legs, for this reason he needs to be in bed a lot with his feet up. I can't make him do this. These are the times he is also up a lot during the night. There are some days I get less sleep than when I was working nights 40 hours a week getting home and to bed by 3am and waking up by 7:30 to get kids to school. Like I said those are the hard days....they are inevitably followed by the easy days. The days where he sleeps for 80% of the day....and sadly the days I look forward to most weeks. I'm coming off of a period of about 4 days when we changed one of his prescriptions that was supposed to help him sleep...instead it made him wander the house at night... all night. He was up for about 30 hours straight from Sunday morning to Monday afternoon. He swears up and down he slept...I was awake all night and can tell you he didn't. We stopped that medication....he's finally sleeping....and my stress level has come down a few notches in the past 24 hours.
There is nothing easy about being a caregiver...I have moments of peace when I can relax for a few moments. But even those moments don't make it easier. I wish I had some great and wonderful wisdom to offer. Truth is most days I feel selfish...I feel like I'm complaining. Because at the end of the day he's the one that is sick, and he's not going to be around forever. It may sound silly...people say it all the time...Don't put off making memories. When Todd came home after being in the hospital...I thought we needed to make this Christmas special because it would possibly be his last...same with any holidays that followed....The thing is.....If we would have done it right we wouldn't have to make the "last" holidays the most memorable...they should have all been memorable. Today is our 14th wedding Anniversary.... We are celebrating it the way we always have, nothing special. A little earlier he was awake we told each other Happy Anniversary...I gave him a piece of licorice...he smiled, ate it, and then he went back to sleep. The days will continue to be hard... I will still have days that I feel I am holding on to the very last strands of the end of my rope....I will still have days I have a little bit of peace....and life will go on for as long as it needs to.
I'm a fairly patient person...usually. Nothing in my lifetime....having all the patience and strength in the world prepared me for what we are going through now. It doesn't matter how much you love that person, it's hard...very, very hard. There is no other way I can describe it. I have four kids. I was able to care for them just fine before they could do things on there own. I'm really just adding another person to take care of right? No.... There is a huge difference between taking care of and changing a toddler, and taking care of and changing an adult. I foolishly thought I could handle this my myself....I didn't want help...I didn't need help. And now I'm spent...my patience is gone....I need a break. Your husband is suffering...and you want a break?!? Yes I do. And unless you are suddenly thrown into this position 24 hours a day 7 days a week you will probably not understand.
Because my husband is suffering from End Stage Liver Disease, he has all sorts of things going on that affect him. His liver doesn't do the job it's supposed to which is to filter out toxins in the body. So the toxins/ ammonia build up. One place they go to is his brain. It affects his mood, it affects his coherence, it affects his memory....it affects everything. Most days I don't know what I'm going to be dealing with. Some days he's ok, as ok as he can be. He's not ok to drive and be alone, but he can have a normal conversation, he can work on things around the house that he wants to. Other days, he is a little out of it, I have to repeat things a lot. He has days he forgets how to use his phone. It's heartbreaking to watch. He gets completely worn out to the point of falling asleep anywhere he stops for more than a few seconds. It can be standing at the kitchen counter or sitting...anywhere. These days and nights are when we worry about him falling. He has come to experience at least one fall a week lately, just because he's so worn out and his balance is completely off. These are also the days he is the most temperamental. In his head he can still do everything he has always been able to do...the reality...he can't. These are the days that are the hardest. He gets stubborn and ornery and he doesn't recognize his limitations. He can be extremely frustrating to deal with. He gets a lot of fluid retention in his legs, for this reason he needs to be in bed a lot with his feet up. I can't make him do this. These are the times he is also up a lot during the night. There are some days I get less sleep than when I was working nights 40 hours a week getting home and to bed by 3am and waking up by 7:30 to get kids to school. Like I said those are the hard days....they are inevitably followed by the easy days. The days where he sleeps for 80% of the day....and sadly the days I look forward to most weeks. I'm coming off of a period of about 4 days when we changed one of his prescriptions that was supposed to help him sleep...instead it made him wander the house at night... all night. He was up for about 30 hours straight from Sunday morning to Monday afternoon. He swears up and down he slept...I was awake all night and can tell you he didn't. We stopped that medication....he's finally sleeping....and my stress level has come down a few notches in the past 24 hours.
There is nothing easy about being a caregiver...I have moments of peace when I can relax for a few moments. But even those moments don't make it easier. I wish I had some great and wonderful wisdom to offer. Truth is most days I feel selfish...I feel like I'm complaining. Because at the end of the day he's the one that is sick, and he's not going to be around forever. It may sound silly...people say it all the time...Don't put off making memories. When Todd came home after being in the hospital...I thought we needed to make this Christmas special because it would possibly be his last...same with any holidays that followed....The thing is.....If we would have done it right we wouldn't have to make the "last" holidays the most memorable...they should have all been memorable. Today is our 14th wedding Anniversary.... We are celebrating it the way we always have, nothing special. A little earlier he was awake we told each other Happy Anniversary...I gave him a piece of licorice...he smiled, ate it, and then he went back to sleep. The days will continue to be hard... I will still have days that I feel I am holding on to the very last strands of the end of my rope....I will still have days I have a little bit of peace....and life will go on for as long as it needs to.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Ok I'm a Little Overprotective
Today was a big day for my little guy....and for me. I let him walk into the school and to his classroom by himself. He's 7 1/2 but comprehension wise, cognitive wise he is closer to 4 or 5. Having a conversation with him sometimes is a little challenging...but he can read and he can write and spell so the school has a hard time knowing what exactly to do with him. Really? Ok that's another post for another time...my irritation with the school system. He's in first grade this year and every morning I walk him to his classroom....every afternoon I pick him up at his classroom. Because sometimes going from point A to point B is challenging....and I'm a worrier. I have a hard time letting him out of my sight.
He was my preemie...4 1/2 weeks early... 5pounds 5ounces, teeny tiny in my arms. My two other kids that I gave birth to were over 8 pounds, so this was a huge difference. From the very beginning I was overly protective. Even now he is tiny compared to my other kids. At the age 7 he is only the size that my 3 other kids were at the age of 4. He's been seen by a geneticist and we still have to follow up to have genetic testing done. I think we will be seeing specialists for a very long time.
Oh my goodness his personality is over the top. He has me, his dad, his brothers and sister completely wrapped around his finger. He just wants to be friends with everyone at school. Everyday when I drop him off and pick him up someone new says "hi" to him..boys and girls...all ages. He's goofy and sweet and the light of my life....He can make me smile on the worst days, just by curling up next to me and giving me a hug. My walls show his creativity...mostly his bedroom. He's my only kid that draws (he still does it) on walls. I know it's bad but I let it go. Stuff like that doesn't make me crazy, walls can be painted. It probably would have driven me nuts years ago...but with him...it's just different. No my walls are not covered with scribbles...just a smiley face or a stick figure here and there. He rarely gets upset...he's never thrown a temper tantrum he's always happy.
I worry about the future. Will he be able to have a job? Take care of himself? I have so much to think about right now, that I honestly have never really stopped to think about these things very much. I wonder how much longer kids will continue to be nice to him or if one year it will change to kids making fun of him. As happy as he is he does get his feelings hurt. So I take things a tiny step at a time with him... I will always be very protective of him...but I'm starting to let him do things little by little on his own. Two weeks ago I let him start getting school lunch and today I let him walk from the car into the school, to his classroom by himself....while I was parked outside of his classroom so I could see when he walked in. I can't let go that easily....baby steps...for me and for him.
He was my preemie...4 1/2 weeks early... 5pounds 5ounces, teeny tiny in my arms. My two other kids that I gave birth to were over 8 pounds, so this was a huge difference. From the very beginning I was overly protective. Even now he is tiny compared to my other kids. At the age 7 he is only the size that my 3 other kids were at the age of 4. He's been seen by a geneticist and we still have to follow up to have genetic testing done. I think we will be seeing specialists for a very long time.
Oh my goodness his personality is over the top. He has me, his dad, his brothers and sister completely wrapped around his finger. He just wants to be friends with everyone at school. Everyday when I drop him off and pick him up someone new says "hi" to him..boys and girls...all ages. He's goofy and sweet and the light of my life....He can make me smile on the worst days, just by curling up next to me and giving me a hug. My walls show his creativity...mostly his bedroom. He's my only kid that draws (he still does it) on walls. I know it's bad but I let it go. Stuff like that doesn't make me crazy, walls can be painted. It probably would have driven me nuts years ago...but with him...it's just different. No my walls are not covered with scribbles...just a smiley face or a stick figure here and there. He rarely gets upset...he's never thrown a temper tantrum he's always happy.
I worry about the future. Will he be able to have a job? Take care of himself? I have so much to think about right now, that I honestly have never really stopped to think about these things very much. I wonder how much longer kids will continue to be nice to him or if one year it will change to kids making fun of him. As happy as he is he does get his feelings hurt. So I take things a tiny step at a time with him... I will always be very protective of him...but I'm starting to let him do things little by little on his own. Two weeks ago I let him start getting school lunch and today I let him walk from the car into the school, to his classroom by himself....while I was parked outside of his classroom so I could see when he walked in. I can't let go that easily....baby steps...for me and for him.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Advice for my Oldest Son
My son turns seventeen tomorrow. I won't lie the last few years of parenting when it comes to him have been extremely difficult. He is a lot like his dad in more ways than he would like to admit to...and to be honest it worries me. As far as we know he isn't drinking or doing drugs..and I pray everyday that he never does. between his birth mother and his dad, alcoholism and addiction run through him. Yes this scares me, and I've taught him as much as I can as a mom. I hope that seeing his dad the way that he is because of the life he chose scares him too.
Independent and stubborn...I hope one day these two things work to his advantage. Right now, not so much. He has had a job every summer since he was fourteen. I really have to give him credit on that. I didn't make him get a job he decided on his own that was what he was going to do. I've never really given my kids an allowance, they've never gotten money for doing chores. So when he was old enough to work at the local amusement park he went and applied. The one thing that isn't going so well for him is school. He has never liked it...he's always had a hard time being there and doing homework...and he has never taken it seriously. He has a lot of classes he has to make up before he can graduate and he's never talked about what he might want to do after high school. He has one more year of school and he doesn't realize how fast it is going to go by. Quite honestly when I express my concerns about all of this, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. As a parent this is when I get a little bit worried...ok a lot worried.
Yesterday we had to go to my father in-laws house for a birthday party. My son asked if he could bring his girlfriend. I said yes, because I really kind of like her. She's nice, and she happens to be the first girlfriend of his that I've gotten the chance to meet. They've been together since last summer. I worry that they are a little too serious. When I saw the ring that he gave her a couple of days ago for her birthday....I have to admit I felt a little sick inside. I didn't ask about it, I didn't freak out, I let it go....because I had a feeling it wasn't going to sit well with her parents.....and it didn't. Last night at about midnight he came into our room. "Mom...How do I get my girlfriends parents to like me?" This is what I said to him.... First of all you can't make anyone like you. Second giving her that ring was probably a huge mistake...even if she was the one that wanted it. Even if it was just a ring and nothing more. Third they probably know a lot more about you than you think...her mother is a teacher...I'm sure she has friends. And this is when I said to him again....Son you need to start thinking about what you are going to do after high school. You need to get serious about graduating from high school. Because the fact of the matter is if you don't graduate, it doesn't matter who your girlfriend is, her parents will never like you. If you aren't at least trying to figure out what you want to do with your life it is going to be a strike against you. All parents...especially fathers want the absolute best for their little girls....you have to prove to them that you are the best. Right now they are not seeing that.
Son....you are smart, talented and have so much to offer this world. I only wish you could see this in yourself. It breaks my heart that you can't. Life only gets harder once you are grown, and you need to have some kind of plan. It doesn't mean it has to be set in stone. But you need a general direction to go in. The hardest part about being a parent, is seeing the potential that your child has and then having to watch them make choices that are below their standards and abilities. (Yes, I can picture my own mother saying all of these things). I will always be here for you...whether you want my advice or not. You are my son, even if I didn't give birth to you...you are still my child and I will always love you...no matter what decisions you make. Look inside yourself. What do you want others to see when they look at you? You can't pretend to be someone that will impress others, that is not how you get through life. Because as you get older people see through that. Be yourself..it's all you can be. You can't make people like you. If you are living an honest life and being the best person you can be...then you won't have to worry about people liking you. I hope one day you understand these things....I hope one day you see your true potential...I hope that life isn't harder than it needs to be...and I hope one day you realize just how much your parents love you.
Independent and stubborn...I hope one day these two things work to his advantage. Right now, not so much. He has had a job every summer since he was fourteen. I really have to give him credit on that. I didn't make him get a job he decided on his own that was what he was going to do. I've never really given my kids an allowance, they've never gotten money for doing chores. So when he was old enough to work at the local amusement park he went and applied. The one thing that isn't going so well for him is school. He has never liked it...he's always had a hard time being there and doing homework...and he has never taken it seriously. He has a lot of classes he has to make up before he can graduate and he's never talked about what he might want to do after high school. He has one more year of school and he doesn't realize how fast it is going to go by. Quite honestly when I express my concerns about all of this, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. As a parent this is when I get a little bit worried...ok a lot worried.
Yesterday we had to go to my father in-laws house for a birthday party. My son asked if he could bring his girlfriend. I said yes, because I really kind of like her. She's nice, and she happens to be the first girlfriend of his that I've gotten the chance to meet. They've been together since last summer. I worry that they are a little too serious. When I saw the ring that he gave her a couple of days ago for her birthday....I have to admit I felt a little sick inside. I didn't ask about it, I didn't freak out, I let it go....because I had a feeling it wasn't going to sit well with her parents.....and it didn't. Last night at about midnight he came into our room. "Mom...How do I get my girlfriends parents to like me?" This is what I said to him.... First of all you can't make anyone like you. Second giving her that ring was probably a huge mistake...even if she was the one that wanted it. Even if it was just a ring and nothing more. Third they probably know a lot more about you than you think...her mother is a teacher...I'm sure she has friends. And this is when I said to him again....Son you need to start thinking about what you are going to do after high school. You need to get serious about graduating from high school. Because the fact of the matter is if you don't graduate, it doesn't matter who your girlfriend is, her parents will never like you. If you aren't at least trying to figure out what you want to do with your life it is going to be a strike against you. All parents...especially fathers want the absolute best for their little girls....you have to prove to them that you are the best. Right now they are not seeing that.
Son....you are smart, talented and have so much to offer this world. I only wish you could see this in yourself. It breaks my heart that you can't. Life only gets harder once you are grown, and you need to have some kind of plan. It doesn't mean it has to be set in stone. But you need a general direction to go in. The hardest part about being a parent, is seeing the potential that your child has and then having to watch them make choices that are below their standards and abilities. (Yes, I can picture my own mother saying all of these things). I will always be here for you...whether you want my advice or not. You are my son, even if I didn't give birth to you...you are still my child and I will always love you...no matter what decisions you make. Look inside yourself. What do you want others to see when they look at you? You can't pretend to be someone that will impress others, that is not how you get through life. Because as you get older people see through that. Be yourself..it's all you can be. You can't make people like you. If you are living an honest life and being the best person you can be...then you won't have to worry about people liking you. I hope one day you understand these things....I hope one day you see your true potential...I hope that life isn't harder than it needs to be...and I hope one day you realize just how much your parents love you.
Friday, February 10, 2012
How Life Was Supposed to Be
Two things you will never see me write about on my blog....religion and politics. However for the sake of my post today I have to talk about religion a little so bear with me.
I'm a Mormon, I have been my whole life, and I will be for the rest of my life. I like my religion. I like my beliefs. Growing up in New Jersey I was definitely a minority. If I remember right there were three of us at my High School when I was a senior. I was a "good girl". I went to church every Sunday, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I didn't go to parties.....I really didn't have a social life. I was afraid of disappointing my parents. And I was probably looked at as being a little weird....it's all good. When I graduated from High School I moved to Utah to go to college. My dad had died at the beginning of my senior year and when I graduated I wanted to get as far away from home as I could. (My mom and I argued a lot during that time). So off to Utah I went...me being a Mormon, and having family and friends there made this of course the natural choice. Growing up I always thought that I would marry a return missionary. I wouldn't really need to go to college, because well DuH....I was going to marry a man that was going to take care of me, we would have a big family...My kids would all participate in sports..my girls would take dance classes....and life would be perfect. Because everybody that goes to church is perfect. (I hope you are reading this as sarcasm). I never took college seriously...I went off and on for years...never decided on a major and still held on to the delusion that I was going to meet the perfect guy. The reality is moving to Utah was probably the worst thing for me to do... I slowly stopped going to church. I went every once in a while until I just stopped going all together. You would think that moving to a place where there were Mormons all around me I would have felt at home. When in actuality I never felt so out of place in my life...I was completely alone. I didn't know how to function in this place and it was too much for me. I went to the "singles" activities for a while, but again I felt so out of place, that guys just looked past me. I gave up on dating...I gave up on finding "Mr. Right"...I gave up on school and I gave up on myself. The rest of my family had moved to Utah after my second year of college, so I couldn't even go home. I tried moving back to New Jersey at one point but I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough to be on my own. I was totally pathetic. I lost who I was....well I didn't know who I was. I grew up doing everything I was supposed to do...everything my parents wanted me to do. And I let my parents do everything for me, make my decisions. I didn't know how to survive on my own. I was afraid of everything. And because the guys at church never showed any interest in me what so ever...my self esteem got lower and lower. What was wrong with me? I obviously wasn't good enough for this place.
When I was 24...I seriously was getting worried about getting married...nobody was going to want me if I got any older. (Yes this again is my delusional thinking). So I was set up on a blind date...and it went ok. He was more nervous than I was...and we went out again, and again. We liked each other. He was definitely not who my family would have chosen for me. My family didn't like him. I didn't care he liked me and that's all that mattered. Here we are 15 years later. Would I have found someone better if I would have waited longer?...probably not. Like I said I had really bad self esteem, I didn't know who I was. The best part of my marriage...other than my kids... Is the fact that I've become a person I like. I know who I am now. I know that I can make it on my own. I'm a far stronger person now than I've ever been in my life. I'm discovering things about myself that I never would have seen back then. Yes I went through years of pain and sadness...for me I had to get to my very lowest point to look up and see I was really worth something. Life did not turn out for me like it was "supposed to be", that's ok, I've still survived and I think I've come out a better person.
"Success in the affairs of life often serves to hide one's abilities, whereas adversity frequently gives one an opportunity to discover them."
-Horace
I'm a Mormon, I have been my whole life, and I will be for the rest of my life. I like my religion. I like my beliefs. Growing up in New Jersey I was definitely a minority. If I remember right there were three of us at my High School when I was a senior. I was a "good girl". I went to church every Sunday, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I didn't go to parties.....I really didn't have a social life. I was afraid of disappointing my parents. And I was probably looked at as being a little weird....it's all good. When I graduated from High School I moved to Utah to go to college. My dad had died at the beginning of my senior year and when I graduated I wanted to get as far away from home as I could. (My mom and I argued a lot during that time). So off to Utah I went...me being a Mormon, and having family and friends there made this of course the natural choice. Growing up I always thought that I would marry a return missionary. I wouldn't really need to go to college, because well DuH....I was going to marry a man that was going to take care of me, we would have a big family...My kids would all participate in sports..my girls would take dance classes....and life would be perfect. Because everybody that goes to church is perfect. (I hope you are reading this as sarcasm). I never took college seriously...I went off and on for years...never decided on a major and still held on to the delusion that I was going to meet the perfect guy. The reality is moving to Utah was probably the worst thing for me to do... I slowly stopped going to church. I went every once in a while until I just stopped going all together. You would think that moving to a place where there were Mormons all around me I would have felt at home. When in actuality I never felt so out of place in my life...I was completely alone. I didn't know how to function in this place and it was too much for me. I went to the "singles" activities for a while, but again I felt so out of place, that guys just looked past me. I gave up on dating...I gave up on finding "Mr. Right"...I gave up on school and I gave up on myself. The rest of my family had moved to Utah after my second year of college, so I couldn't even go home. I tried moving back to New Jersey at one point but I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough to be on my own. I was totally pathetic. I lost who I was....well I didn't know who I was. I grew up doing everything I was supposed to do...everything my parents wanted me to do. And I let my parents do everything for me, make my decisions. I didn't know how to survive on my own. I was afraid of everything. And because the guys at church never showed any interest in me what so ever...my self esteem got lower and lower. What was wrong with me? I obviously wasn't good enough for this place.
When I was 24...I seriously was getting worried about getting married...nobody was going to want me if I got any older. (Yes this again is my delusional thinking). So I was set up on a blind date...and it went ok. He was more nervous than I was...and we went out again, and again. We liked each other. He was definitely not who my family would have chosen for me. My family didn't like him. I didn't care he liked me and that's all that mattered. Here we are 15 years later. Would I have found someone better if I would have waited longer?...probably not. Like I said I had really bad self esteem, I didn't know who I was. The best part of my marriage...other than my kids... Is the fact that I've become a person I like. I know who I am now. I know that I can make it on my own. I'm a far stronger person now than I've ever been in my life. I'm discovering things about myself that I never would have seen back then. Yes I went through years of pain and sadness...for me I had to get to my very lowest point to look up and see I was really worth something. Life did not turn out for me like it was "supposed to be", that's ok, I've still survived and I think I've come out a better person.
"Success in the affairs of life often serves to hide one's abilities, whereas adversity frequently gives one an opportunity to discover them."
-Horace
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Thank Goodness for my Friends
Three thousand miles away from each other....two very different situations...but my best friend Debi and I seem to be going through the most trying times in our lives right now. We've known each other since the second grade. We became instant best friends when she gave me a friendship pin when we were eleven. Thirty plus years later she still provides a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I've already said how bad my weekend was...I guess you can say I hit my breaking point. It's weird for me to think I'm going through the stages of grief, because I've been at place of acceptance for so long. But I'm angry....pissed...upset. And I need to get away. I wish I could do it right now, I just can't. Because when I say I want to get away, I want to get as far away as I can. Put me on a plane and let me go. So I was talking to Debi about flying back east to visit her in a few months. We ended up talking on the phone for about an hour and a half last night. Past 11 for me 1am for her because she had an equally awful weekend...and we both just needed to talk.
I value every friendship I've ever had. I don't just let people into my life. When I was in High School, I didn't have a lot of "friends". I knew a lot of people at school...but outside of school I had my little group of friends. The people who really knew me. For me it never mattered if I had a hundred friends or two friends. Because when it comes down to it the people who are really my friends are the ones that know me...really know me..and still care. Take me as I am, I have faults, but don't pretend to like me. Like I said I don't just let people in my life. I've had friendships come and go...I've had friendships "take a vacation"...I've been hurt, I've had my heart broken. I've had people come into my life that from the very first conversation, it felt like we knew each other forever and we could talk about anything for hours. I've found the most important people in my life are the ones that even if we go for a few weeks or months or years without speaking...because of whatever has happened in life...we can pick up right where we left off, without missing a beat. The truth is when you are lucky enough to have people in your life who are so important they leave an imprint on your heart...on your soul, it's impossible to just let them go.
At this time in my life when some days I hate everything, I feel alone, isolated, like I just can't control anything that is going on. I am so very thankful I have amazing people in my life that I can turn to, that I can talk to. People who know me well enough to call my bluff, who know even if I'm smiling on the outside there are some days I'm crying on the inside.
I can honestly say I have amazing friends, new and old, near and far. They are all different, they range in age, religious and political views, the color of their skin, their financial stability. The point is...none of that matters to me. Sometimes you just feel an instant connection, a kinship. I'm very lucky to have so many people like this in my life.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
Henri Nouwen
I value every friendship I've ever had. I don't just let people into my life. When I was in High School, I didn't have a lot of "friends". I knew a lot of people at school...but outside of school I had my little group of friends. The people who really knew me. For me it never mattered if I had a hundred friends or two friends. Because when it comes down to it the people who are really my friends are the ones that know me...really know me..and still care. Take me as I am, I have faults, but don't pretend to like me. Like I said I don't just let people in my life. I've had friendships come and go...I've had friendships "take a vacation"...I've been hurt, I've had my heart broken. I've had people come into my life that from the very first conversation, it felt like we knew each other forever and we could talk about anything for hours. I've found the most important people in my life are the ones that even if we go for a few weeks or months or years without speaking...because of whatever has happened in life...we can pick up right where we left off, without missing a beat. The truth is when you are lucky enough to have people in your life who are so important they leave an imprint on your heart...on your soul, it's impossible to just let them go.
At this time in my life when some days I hate everything, I feel alone, isolated, like I just can't control anything that is going on. I am so very thankful I have amazing people in my life that I can turn to, that I can talk to. People who know me well enough to call my bluff, who know even if I'm smiling on the outside there are some days I'm crying on the inside.
I can honestly say I have amazing friends, new and old, near and far. They are all different, they range in age, religious and political views, the color of their skin, their financial stability. The point is...none of that matters to me. Sometimes you just feel an instant connection, a kinship. I'm very lucky to have so many people like this in my life.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
Henri Nouwen
Saturday, February 4, 2012
It Was Just That Kind of a Day
Some days..... Two things... I have an ugly bitch side to me that I'm really not that proud of and I am one of the very few women in the world that hates shopping. Of course I'm married to one of the few men in the world that loves shopping. I didn't like shopping with him when he wasn't sick. Days spent shopping always ended in an argument. Because he is a wanderer, and he has to look at EVERYTHING. We've had 3 hour trips to Walmart...seriously. Now that his health is bad taking him out is just not that easy...and I try really hard to be patient....I do. The problem is he knows how to push all the right buttons and then my patience all goes out the window.
Yesterday I promised my husband I would take him out today. He really needed a day out of the house and I told him as long as he was feeling ok and he wasn't looking too tired I would take him. Well this morning I woke up in a really bad mood...for whatever reason. I laid in bed for two hours hoping my husband had forgotten we were going anywhere, and about 10:30 he came in the bedroom dressed and ready to go...of course. So I dragged myself out of bed showered, even did my hair and makeup and put something on that wasn't an old t-shirt. Bad mood or not I still was going to look good. Even left the house by 11:15, and we were off me, my husband and our 14yr old son. Five hours later.... I WAS DONE. It wouldn't have been so bad if I was running a ton of errands that was keeping me busy...that I can do. Three out of the five hours spent at a Pet Store, was enough to push me over the edge...and it did. And this is when my ugly bitch side appeared. The pet store was the last stop...there was no way I was going anywhere else...my phone was almost dead...my Ipod was dead and I was tired. I understand my husband needs this time and I feel bad that I get so upset...but I would rather take him once a week for 30 minutes of wandering up and down aisles than one three hour trip of wandering up and down aisles...the store isn't even that big. So I got mad put my foot down said it was time to go...and didn't say a word to him the whole way home. When we got home I let him and our son out of the car...looked at my son and told him my phone is almost dead so if you have a problem call your grandpa....and I pulled out of the driveway and left. Yes my ugly side...I admit it some days I just can't handle and I needed to get away from my house. I even went so far as to tell my husband "tough"..and hang up on him when he called and told me he couldn't get in the bedroom because I had the keys. (yes we lock our bedroom door when we leave the house to keeps our kids out of it). He didn't need to be in the bedroom anyway...I knew he was just going to do whatever he does with his fish tanks. (still another post for another day).
Where did I go? I went to the hospital, where my sister had a baby two days ago. I needed to hold my niece... I needed a little calm in the middle of my storm. So I sat and held her for an hour...and she is beautiful....perfect. Ok maybe I'm weird but newborns have that affect on me....instant relaxation. The only thing better would be a massage...well I don't have the money to get one or anyone to give me one. So I'll take a little baby time...So happy my sister had her this week and so happy I was able to get up there to see them both. And even though I told my son I had no idea when I would be home...I was actually only gone an hour and a half. I even made dinner for the kids. Now I'm sitting here...by myself...eating leftover Chinese food and watching Psych..staying away from everyone and relaxing a little more.
So now you know, NEVER take me shopping in one place for more than 30 minutes. And if you see me starting to lose it stick a newborn baby in my arms. I know... more than you really needed to know about me....but it was just that kind of a day...and I'm glad it's almost over.
Yesterday I promised my husband I would take him out today. He really needed a day out of the house and I told him as long as he was feeling ok and he wasn't looking too tired I would take him. Well this morning I woke up in a really bad mood...for whatever reason. I laid in bed for two hours hoping my husband had forgotten we were going anywhere, and about 10:30 he came in the bedroom dressed and ready to go...of course. So I dragged myself out of bed showered, even did my hair and makeup and put something on that wasn't an old t-shirt. Bad mood or not I still was going to look good. Even left the house by 11:15, and we were off me, my husband and our 14yr old son. Five hours later.... I WAS DONE. It wouldn't have been so bad if I was running a ton of errands that was keeping me busy...that I can do. Three out of the five hours spent at a Pet Store, was enough to push me over the edge...and it did. And this is when my ugly bitch side appeared. The pet store was the last stop...there was no way I was going anywhere else...my phone was almost dead...my Ipod was dead and I was tired. I understand my husband needs this time and I feel bad that I get so upset...but I would rather take him once a week for 30 minutes of wandering up and down aisles than one three hour trip of wandering up and down aisles...the store isn't even that big. So I got mad put my foot down said it was time to go...and didn't say a word to him the whole way home. When we got home I let him and our son out of the car...looked at my son and told him my phone is almost dead so if you have a problem call your grandpa....and I pulled out of the driveway and left. Yes my ugly side...I admit it some days I just can't handle and I needed to get away from my house. I even went so far as to tell my husband "tough"..and hang up on him when he called and told me he couldn't get in the bedroom because I had the keys. (yes we lock our bedroom door when we leave the house to keeps our kids out of it). He didn't need to be in the bedroom anyway...I knew he was just going to do whatever he does with his fish tanks. (still another post for another day).
Where did I go? I went to the hospital, where my sister had a baby two days ago. I needed to hold my niece... I needed a little calm in the middle of my storm. So I sat and held her for an hour...and she is beautiful....perfect. Ok maybe I'm weird but newborns have that affect on me....instant relaxation. The only thing better would be a massage...well I don't have the money to get one or anyone to give me one. So I'll take a little baby time...So happy my sister had her this week and so happy I was able to get up there to see them both. And even though I told my son I had no idea when I would be home...I was actually only gone an hour and a half. I even made dinner for the kids. Now I'm sitting here...by myself...eating leftover Chinese food and watching Psych..staying away from everyone and relaxing a little more.
So now you know, NEVER take me shopping in one place for more than 30 minutes. And if you see me starting to lose it stick a newborn baby in my arms. I know... more than you really needed to know about me....but it was just that kind of a day...and I'm glad it's almost over.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Why I Stayed.. In the Beginning, In the Middle, and at the End
I've had people ask me this question and I know people have wondered....so I'm going to attempt to answer it. I have to admit this is a hard one for me and I've tried to figure out how to really write what I want without coming across as pathetic. I divided this out into stages because over the years my reasons have changed and stayed the same. One thing you need to know about me....I am extremely stubborn, maybe that will make sense as you read.
In the beginning..... When I decided to marry my husband I was pregnant, and had two choices I could have made. To stay and get married or be a single mom...alone. I was scared and the thought of being alone raising a child by myself was terrifying. So... I got married. This didn't make my family happy and it caused a lot of tension, but it was my choice. Did I love my husband? Yes. I also was enjoying being a mom to his son (our now oldest). Being a mom was something I always wanted ...and well we became an instant family. We started marriage out with 2 kids. Nineteen months later we added number 3. Life was hard from the very start. I was working and taking care of kids and Todd started drinking more and more. This was NOT how I pictured marriage. I did everything on my own and tried to make sure everything was perfect...and I cried a lot. 3yrs after we got married I adopted Todd's son, I could finally say he was also mine. When I saw him for the first time he looked like a little precious moments figurine....blond hair and big brown eyes. I remember being so happy the first time he called me mom. This was part of the reason I stayed at the beginning. I agreed that if we ever got divorced I wouldn't take his son away from him....and I just couldn't leave and not take him with me. Life got harder and I was determined to make things work and even though I had been taught all my life that you can't change someone...I was going to change him. (That was a dream). You CAN NOT make someone be what you want them to be. So I was miserable.. but I stayed because I wasn't going to give up and I wasn't going to prove anyone who was against my marriage that they were right and I was wrong and life went on. Don't get me wrong we had good times and we did love each other, but I struggled with the life I chose.
In the middle....Seven years into marriage along came our 4th and last child...He was born at an incredibly stressful time and he was 4 1/2 weeks premature. He was so tiny and so amazing. I knew when I saw him this tiny little baby was meant for our family and he had us all wrapped around his finger (he still does). By this time in my marriage I was really struggling. I gave up on a lot of things. I stopped caring what I looked like, and I emotionally was out of my marriage. I couldn't handle the hurt anymore. So I just didn't care anymore. And I stayed because I was afraid to leave, because I didn't know how he would react, because I was afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I was pretty much at my lowest point I have ever been. I felt worthless and alone and I hated my life. This is also when I started to change. A couple of years after I had my son my mom made a comment to me about the way I looked...and I was so angry and so upset. But it made me stop and really look at myself and decide this person that I had become was not who I wanted to be. I was tired of feeling worthless. To Hell with what everybody thought....to Hell with my husband I was taking my life back. I still stayed but I started caring again.
The end.....Ten and a half years into marriage Todd quit drinking and he had been seeing a therapist, and I felt like maybe this was a new beginning. I didn't get my hopes up however, because he had tried to quit drinking once before and went right back to it after 2 months. So I sat back and waited....because by this time I had decided I was going to divorce him when the kids were old enough. (I'm really not sure how smart that thinking was it was more a time frame). After about 3 months he started noticing things just didn't feel right. After 6 months we found out how sick he was....and life came crashing down. During the next little while the world turned upside down for me... I could have left, I had the chance and I would have been happy....and I stayed...and I cried. Life changed...I knew what was going to happen, I knew I couldn't take my kids away from their dad when he needed them the most. My feelings didn't matter and I had to put them aside. After all this man was someone I cared about...things may have changed over the years..but I still cared about him, I still cared about what was happening, and I felt awful.
So here we are 3 years later....and really at the end. I know it, he knows our kids know it. I still get upset with him...but we have resolved a lot of the past. Like I said in a past post, I'm learning to forgive. We are still friends, we still care about each other... and we still love each other....how could we not with what we've been through. Even if we were divorced I would probably say I loved him. We are complicated like that. We've had an odd marriage, far from perfect. I've come out of this whole experience stronger and more confident than I've ever been in my life. I'm back to being me....but a far better version of me than I was 14years ago, and I like it. I'm not afraid to tell my story anymore. In my lowest moments...I found myself, and I've found I can deal with whatever things life throws at me. Yes I stayed....yes it was hard. I'm not saying that people in my situation should stay...this was my situation, my choice.. I needed to see this through I guess to the end. To feel like I hadn't run away...I faced things head on and for me that was huge and it was the start of the healing and forgiving process. I am not broken...or damaged...I am whole...and taking everyday as it comes. Life goes on, and I will stay until the end.
In the beginning..... When I decided to marry my husband I was pregnant, and had two choices I could have made. To stay and get married or be a single mom...alone. I was scared and the thought of being alone raising a child by myself was terrifying. So... I got married. This didn't make my family happy and it caused a lot of tension, but it was my choice. Did I love my husband? Yes. I also was enjoying being a mom to his son (our now oldest). Being a mom was something I always wanted ...and well we became an instant family. We started marriage out with 2 kids. Nineteen months later we added number 3. Life was hard from the very start. I was working and taking care of kids and Todd started drinking more and more. This was NOT how I pictured marriage. I did everything on my own and tried to make sure everything was perfect...and I cried a lot. 3yrs after we got married I adopted Todd's son, I could finally say he was also mine. When I saw him for the first time he looked like a little precious moments figurine....blond hair and big brown eyes. I remember being so happy the first time he called me mom. This was part of the reason I stayed at the beginning. I agreed that if we ever got divorced I wouldn't take his son away from him....and I just couldn't leave and not take him with me. Life got harder and I was determined to make things work and even though I had been taught all my life that you can't change someone...I was going to change him. (That was a dream). You CAN NOT make someone be what you want them to be. So I was miserable.. but I stayed because I wasn't going to give up and I wasn't going to prove anyone who was against my marriage that they were right and I was wrong and life went on. Don't get me wrong we had good times and we did love each other, but I struggled with the life I chose.
In the middle....Seven years into marriage along came our 4th and last child...He was born at an incredibly stressful time and he was 4 1/2 weeks premature. He was so tiny and so amazing. I knew when I saw him this tiny little baby was meant for our family and he had us all wrapped around his finger (he still does). By this time in my marriage I was really struggling. I gave up on a lot of things. I stopped caring what I looked like, and I emotionally was out of my marriage. I couldn't handle the hurt anymore. So I just didn't care anymore. And I stayed because I was afraid to leave, because I didn't know how he would react, because I was afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I was pretty much at my lowest point I have ever been. I felt worthless and alone and I hated my life. This is also when I started to change. A couple of years after I had my son my mom made a comment to me about the way I looked...and I was so angry and so upset. But it made me stop and really look at myself and decide this person that I had become was not who I wanted to be. I was tired of feeling worthless. To Hell with what everybody thought....to Hell with my husband I was taking my life back. I still stayed but I started caring again.
The end.....Ten and a half years into marriage Todd quit drinking and he had been seeing a therapist, and I felt like maybe this was a new beginning. I didn't get my hopes up however, because he had tried to quit drinking once before and went right back to it after 2 months. So I sat back and waited....because by this time I had decided I was going to divorce him when the kids were old enough. (I'm really not sure how smart that thinking was it was more a time frame). After about 3 months he started noticing things just didn't feel right. After 6 months we found out how sick he was....and life came crashing down. During the next little while the world turned upside down for me... I could have left, I had the chance and I would have been happy....and I stayed...and I cried. Life changed...I knew what was going to happen, I knew I couldn't take my kids away from their dad when he needed them the most. My feelings didn't matter and I had to put them aside. After all this man was someone I cared about...things may have changed over the years..but I still cared about him, I still cared about what was happening, and I felt awful.
So here we are 3 years later....and really at the end. I know it, he knows our kids know it. I still get upset with him...but we have resolved a lot of the past. Like I said in a past post, I'm learning to forgive. We are still friends, we still care about each other... and we still love each other....how could we not with what we've been through. Even if we were divorced I would probably say I loved him. We are complicated like that. We've had an odd marriage, far from perfect. I've come out of this whole experience stronger and more confident than I've ever been in my life. I'm back to being me....but a far better version of me than I was 14years ago, and I like it. I'm not afraid to tell my story anymore. In my lowest moments...I found myself, and I've found I can deal with whatever things life throws at me. Yes I stayed....yes it was hard. I'm not saying that people in my situation should stay...this was my situation, my choice.. I needed to see this through I guess to the end. To feel like I hadn't run away...I faced things head on and for me that was huge and it was the start of the healing and forgiving process. I am not broken...or damaged...I am whole...and taking everyday as it comes. Life goes on, and I will stay until the end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)