And so I'm Officially a Stay at Home Mom......For Now

I guess technically I've been a stay at home mom since the beginning of November when all this started with my husband.  I've still had my job though, I've just been using FMLA.  For the last 6 years I've worked nights for the Postal Service. I did that because for the first few years I still had my little guy at home, and I chose not to do daycare. So for 6 years I've gotten little sleep and still managed to be home during the day and work full time at night.  It was hard sometimes but it was a schedule that worked for me.  Last night I finally got up the nerve to call my supervisor who I had avoided the two times she had called that day.  I knew what was coming, it really wasn't a surprise.  And so at 10:30 last night I was officially unemployed.  The thing is, I'm not that upset about it.  It's not a job I loved.  I've been trying to figure out how to leave that place forever.  Life just forced me into making that decision....and I'm ok with it, relieved.  Last night I was a little upset, but more because I had that "Oh Crap, I don't have a job anymore" kind of feeling.  I've worked pretty much my entire marriage,  not working for only a few months here and there when my kids were babies.  I should be happy that I'm finally home with my kids because I've never really had the choice to be home or at work.  So what the heck is wrong with me?  Why am I finding it so hard to be home doing the mommy thing?  Ok I realize these are stupid questions.  My situation isn't exactly "normal"... I do have a little extra stress.  But doesn't everyone? I mean really, just in different ways?  I can't say my situation is harder or more stressful than anyone going through a hard time.

I always envisioned myself as the perfect mom... soccer mom, basketball mom, baseball mom....dance class mom.  My brothers and sisters did all these things...and I wanted to model myself after my own mother.  My reality...my kids never did any of these things.. I never even signed them up for swim lessons..except for once.  I never got to be that mom.....and I have all sorts of guilt and feelings of inadequacy because of it.  In my eyes, because I never was "that mom" I fell short.  I've always hated that I had to work that I never got to be home.  Don't even get me started on Back to School nights at the beginning of the year...I've missed 4 out of the last 6years....not all teachers thought it was a good excuse that I had to be at work and couldn't make it...more guilt.

So here I am, finally...a stay at home mom.  I'm home 24 hours a day 7 days a week.... I have all the time in the world to do everything that I never had time to do when I was working 40 hours a week.  I should have a schedule of dinners ready for the week... I should have all my pictures put in the photo albums I bought 2 years ago... My closets should be perfect...my carpets should be cleaned...my house should look immaculate.  Right?  Well here again is my reality... I roll out of bed at 7:43am to take my junior high kids to school at 7:45...come home and get my son to first grade if I'm lucky by the late bell at 8:50...still in my pj's...come home lay down for a little while, because I'm tired. Sometimes I'm up 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night with my husband...or the dog...or my little guy who last night got woken up by the wind.  When my husband wakes up I make sure he gets his medication and whatever else he needs...and sometimes I get motivated enough to take a shower.  My day just kind of flies by doing absolutely nothing.  and all I can think is holy crap becoming a stay at home mom has made me incredibly lazy...I got more accomplished in a day when I was working a full time job. And all I think of for an excuse is maybe I'm afraid to get into a good routine because I know this isn't going to last....at some point I'm going to have to go back to work. Maybe I'm just thinking of this as some much needed time off....although to be honest this isn't anywhere close to any kind of vacation. I need motivation... I need someone to come kick me in the ass and say "come on already get something done...you will feel so much better!" Maybe this post will make me want to get something done....as I sit here eating gummy bears...Really?!?  Ok time to end this post... I decided I need to go clean something... I just officially got disgusted with myself.  Please tell me I'm not the only mom who goes through these lazy periods....Please.. :o)