My Last Post...... For Now...

After my last post I decided I was done.  I reached my absolute limit, hit rock bottom with this damn disease.  It got too hard and I lost it.  I've learned a few things over the last few years of writing down my thoughts.  When I write about being strong and centered and being positive I have a lot of support.  Go me I'm invincible.  When I'm having a hard time I get a little less support, maybe because people know I like to be left alone.  Just because I want to be left alone during these times doesn't mean I want to feel alone.  I need to be left alone because that's how I deal....how I make sense of things. I need quiet, I need to be alone with my thoughts.  I write it all down as a way to get it out of my head, I go for a drive, take pictures, listen to music, I sit in a quiet place. I need to get them out of my head so I'm not holding it all in.  When I hold it all in then we go to the next level... I explode....and then I come across as bat shit crazy.  And everyone takes two giant steps back away from me, and that's about the worst feeling in the world, because then I am alone. And then I go back to putting on a fake smile because I realize nobody wants to know when I'm having a hard time.  No I'm fine....really...it's all good.  There is no easy fix to this situation....that I can promise you.  I have gone through every option in my head over and over again. And the one thing I come back to is this.... I have four kids and their father whom they love has a horrible disease that is slowly taking his life away.  I don't love this man anymore, I haven't for a long time.  That doesn't mean I get to be selfish.  It means I need to learn how to have a little more compassion and I need to stop being so angry.  We had a cat that we adopted a couple of years ago.  We have no idea how old he actually was. My 17yr old son bonded with him instantly.  When we brought him home he didn't run and hide like cats normally do in a new place, he walked around like he always belonged in our home. Followed my son and also my daughter everywhere. He was always with one of them.  All they had to do was call his name.  Three days ago he died... No idea why. I had to deal with three very sad kids all crying over their favorite cat. Having to watch a 17 year old boy so unbelievably upset and knowing there was nothing I could do but leave him alone ( because he is so much like me) was just about the most heartbreaking thing I've had to experience.   I could easily divorce Todd at this point...call up his dad and say come and get him, he is no longer my problem anymore.  Trust me when I say I would love to do this and if it was just my feelings that I have to think about, it would have been done long ago.   I have four kids, this affects them all differently.  It is hard on all of us. It is trying. It pushes us all to our very limits. My kids, even though they know their dad is going to die,  have no idea what emotions they are going to experience when it happens.  I do....I was 17 when my dad died.  And it doesn't matter the reason, if it's sudden or drawn out because of a chronic illness.  They will experience every stage of grief in the order that it hits them for as long as it takes....and so will I.  Maybe I already am.  I also know this.... I haven't been doing a very good job at keeping the peace.  I've let my anger dictate how I react to situations. This is wrong on every level. I'm not going to fall in love with him again.  Those feelings just aren't there. But I do need to start thinking about everyone else and I need to stop letting the past dictate the present.  Yes...Todd is/was an alcoholic/addict.  He's made a lot of mistakes.....well haven't  we all? I'm not excusing his behavior I still have a little way to go before I can forgive him. But, something has to change....and honestly it needs to start with me.  This year has been a trying one. It hasn't been all bad. I've had some really great things happen...things that have made me unbelievably happy.  Things are hard...they are going to get harder.  I'm looking into what I can do as far as care for Todd...I'm not going to get help from his family, but I am going to see what insurance will cover, because I need help.  I can't do this by myself anymore.  So saying goodbye to 2014...overall it was alright....looking forward to 2015 and more learning, and growing. Taking some chances, trusting, and giving myself a break.  And my blog.... I won't delete it for now, but I am going to take a break for a few months.  Happy New Year.. :o)

I'm Only Writing a Blog Post Because I'm Avoiding Christmas Shopping

I need a time out.  Yesterday I had a less than flattering moment. I'm tired.  I'm hating Christmas this year.  I don't want to listen to Christmas music at all.  If I didn't have children and one specifically that this year is more aware of and excited about Santa Claus than he's ever been....I wouldn't even bother ... Seriously. I'm sick of the commercials that I've seen a million times since October and the decorations that have been in stores since September.  What the effing Hell is up with that by the way?  And here we are 9 days until Christmas and I haven't even begun shopping yet. Shopping gives me anxiety... Christmas shopping can push me over the edge... Having to Christmas shop with Todd pushes me to mental breakdown status and a possible admit to the psych ward.  Everyday....and I'm not exaggerating he wants me to take him shopping.  The problem.... Because I could easily drop him off somewhere.... He really needs to have someone with him.  As much as he shouldn't be on his feet because of how unsteady he is, he doesn't want to be in a wheel chair.  He's worn all of us out.  The kids can't handle hours of shopping.  They hate it.  I hate it.  His feet and legs can't handle it.  He doesn't pay attention to his body's limitations.  He spent 4 1/2  hours at Walmart looking for a birthday present for our son who turned 17 a few days ago and bought one thing...for himself.  He's always been this way.  The thing is, he has less and less hours in the day that he really has any kind of energy to function.  And once he gets past a certain point he has no idea what he is doing, and we hit the wander around the house looking through closets for nothing in particular at all hours of the day and night, turning on lights when I'm trying to sleep, pouring giant bowls of cereal and leaving them on the table, or spilling them all over the floor, falling asleep in the garage for hours on end lighting cigarette after cigarette... burning holes in his clothes, spilling drinks everywhere....food everywhere....phase of this damn disease.  He doesn't listen when I tell him he's too tired to go outside to smoke, that he just needs to lay down and rest. "I'm fine Angie...leave me alone."  Fine go ahead.   When I had just finished showering yesterday and my daughter started pounding on my bedroom door crying because she went out to the garage and couldn't get her dad to stay awake for 2 seconds I kind of lost it.  He is hurting every person in this house.  We dealt with the alcoholism for years and now we have to put up with this shit?  It's not fair!  I realize I should have more compassion.... I'm sorry, I don't.  I don't like him very much right now and quite honestly I would love to be able to move on with my life. I'm so sick of this.  Sick of him telling me I tricked him into selling his van so he has nothing drive.  Sick of him not understanding what is going on with his body.  Sick of missing work because of these stupid phases we go through.  Sick of having to take care of.....everything.  After I finally got him to sleep for a few hours, we had a talk.  And because he remembered nothing about earlier in the day I had to go over it all again.....including the part where I told him I was packing his bags and calling his dad (a man I have sworn to never speak to again) and telling him to come and pick him up because I can't do this anymore.  And I looked at him and said.... "Do you even understand how hard this is for us?"  Force him to quit smoking? Sop buying him cigarettes?  Anybody want to volunteer to stay with him while he has temper tantrums? Because I sure as hell don't.  Been there done that... No thank you.  I can say for sure at some point if insurance covers it, he will end up in a care facility, if it doesn't, I don't know what the Hell I'm going to do.  And having said all of that...yes I'm aware he is the one with the disease.  He is the one dying. How do you care about and have compassion for someone who acts like an ass? I'd really like to know, because I've tried, I really have....and I'm failing miserably.  The kids will have Christmas, I already know what I'm buying...mostly. I am the mom after all.... The one that has to make the magic happen, whether I'm in the mood to or not.  And it will all happen after I've finished whining and complaining about the unfairness of the choices I've made in my life.....and life will go on.