I'm Only Writing a Blog Post Because I'm Avoiding Christmas Shopping

I need a time out.  Yesterday I had a less than flattering moment. I'm tired.  I'm hating Christmas this year.  I don't want to listen to Christmas music at all.  If I didn't have children and one specifically that this year is more aware of and excited about Santa Claus than he's ever been....I wouldn't even bother ... Seriously. I'm sick of the commercials that I've seen a million times since October and the decorations that have been in stores since September.  What the effing Hell is up with that by the way?  And here we are 9 days until Christmas and I haven't even begun shopping yet. Shopping gives me anxiety... Christmas shopping can push me over the edge... Having to Christmas shop with Todd pushes me to mental breakdown status and a possible admit to the psych ward.  Everyday....and I'm not exaggerating he wants me to take him shopping.  The problem.... Because I could easily drop him off somewhere.... He really needs to have someone with him.  As much as he shouldn't be on his feet because of how unsteady he is, he doesn't want to be in a wheel chair.  He's worn all of us out.  The kids can't handle hours of shopping.  They hate it.  I hate it.  His feet and legs can't handle it.  He doesn't pay attention to his body's limitations.  He spent 4 1/2  hours at Walmart looking for a birthday present for our son who turned 17 a few days ago and bought one thing...for himself.  He's always been this way.  The thing is, he has less and less hours in the day that he really has any kind of energy to function.  And once he gets past a certain point he has no idea what he is doing, and we hit the wander around the house looking through closets for nothing in particular at all hours of the day and night, turning on lights when I'm trying to sleep, pouring giant bowls of cereal and leaving them on the table, or spilling them all over the floor, falling asleep in the garage for hours on end lighting cigarette after cigarette... burning holes in his clothes, spilling drinks everywhere....food everywhere....phase of this damn disease.  He doesn't listen when I tell him he's too tired to go outside to smoke, that he just needs to lay down and rest. "I'm fine Angie...leave me alone."  Fine go ahead.   When I had just finished showering yesterday and my daughter started pounding on my bedroom door crying because she went out to the garage and couldn't get her dad to stay awake for 2 seconds I kind of lost it.  He is hurting every person in this house.  We dealt with the alcoholism for years and now we have to put up with this shit?  It's not fair!  I realize I should have more compassion.... I'm sorry, I don't.  I don't like him very much right now and quite honestly I would love to be able to move on with my life. I'm so sick of this.  Sick of him telling me I tricked him into selling his van so he has nothing drive.  Sick of him not understanding what is going on with his body.  Sick of missing work because of these stupid phases we go through.  Sick of having to take care of.....everything.  After I finally got him to sleep for a few hours, we had a talk.  And because he remembered nothing about earlier in the day I had to go over it all again.....including the part where I told him I was packing his bags and calling his dad (a man I have sworn to never speak to again) and telling him to come and pick him up because I can't do this anymore.  And I looked at him and said.... "Do you even understand how hard this is for us?"  Force him to quit smoking? Sop buying him cigarettes?  Anybody want to volunteer to stay with him while he has temper tantrums? Because I sure as hell don't.  Been there done that... No thank you.  I can say for sure at some point if insurance covers it, he will end up in a care facility, if it doesn't, I don't know what the Hell I'm going to do.  And having said all of that...yes I'm aware he is the one with the disease.  He is the one dying. How do you care about and have compassion for someone who acts like an ass? I'd really like to know, because I've tried, I really have....and I'm failing miserably.  The kids will have Christmas, I already know what I'm buying...mostly. I am the mom after all.... The one that has to make the magic happen, whether I'm in the mood to or not.  And it will all happen after I've finished whining and complaining about the unfairness of the choices I've made in my life.....and life will go on.