Why I Stayed.. In the Beginning, In the Middle, and at the End

I've had people ask me this question and I know people have wondered....so I'm going to attempt to answer it.  I have to admit this is a hard one for me and I've tried to figure out how to really write what I want without coming across as pathetic. I divided this out into stages because over the years my reasons have changed and stayed the same.  One thing you need to know about me....I am extremely stubborn, maybe that will make sense as you read.

In the beginning..... When I decided to marry my husband I was pregnant, and had two choices I could have made. To stay and get married or be a single mom...alone. I was scared and the thought of being alone raising a child by myself was terrifying. So... I got married.  This didn't make my family happy and it caused a lot of tension, but it was my choice.  Did I love my husband? Yes. I also was enjoying being a mom to his son (our now oldest). Being a mom was something I always wanted ...and well we became an instant family. We started marriage out with 2 kids. Nineteen months later we added number 3. Life was hard from the very start.  I was working and taking care of kids and Todd started drinking more and more. This was NOT how I pictured marriage. I did everything on my own and tried to make sure everything was perfect...and I cried a lot. 3yrs after we got married I adopted Todd's son, I could finally say he was also mine. When I saw him for the first time he looked like a little precious moments figurine....blond hair and big brown eyes. I remember being so happy the first time he called me mom. This was part of the reason I stayed at the beginning.  I agreed that if we ever got divorced I wouldn't take his son away from him....and I just couldn't leave and not take him with me. Life got harder and I was determined to make things work and even though I had been taught all my life that you can't change someone...I was going to change him. (That was a dream).  You CAN NOT make someone be what you want them to be. So I was miserable.. but I stayed because I wasn't going to give up and I wasn't going to prove anyone who was against my marriage that they were right and I was wrong and life went on. Don't get me wrong we had good times and we did love each other, but I struggled with the life I chose. 

In the middle....Seven years into marriage along came our 4th and last child...He was born at an incredibly stressful time and he was 4 1/2 weeks premature. He was so tiny and so amazing. I knew when I saw him this tiny little baby was meant for our family and he had us all wrapped around his finger (he still does). By this time in my marriage I was really struggling. I gave up on a lot of things. I stopped caring what I looked like, and I emotionally was out of my marriage. I couldn't handle the hurt anymore. So I just didn't care anymore. And I stayed because I was afraid to leave, because I didn't know how he would react, because I was afraid of being alone the rest of my life.   I was pretty much at my lowest point I have ever been. I felt worthless and alone and I hated my life. This is also when I started to change.  A couple of years after I had my son my mom made a comment to me about the way I looked...and I was so angry and so upset.  But it made me stop and really look at myself and decide this person that I had become was not who I wanted to be. I was tired of feeling worthless. To Hell with what everybody thought....to Hell with my husband I was taking my life back.  I still stayed but I started caring again.

The end.....Ten and a half years into marriage Todd quit drinking and he had been seeing a therapist, and I felt like maybe this was a new beginning.  I didn't get my hopes up however, because he had tried to quit drinking once before and went right back to it after 2 months. So I sat back and waited....because by this time I had decided I was going to divorce him when the kids were old enough. (I'm really not sure how smart that thinking was it was more a time frame). After about 3 months he started noticing things just didn't feel right. After 6 months we found out how sick he was....and life came crashing down.  During the next little while the world turned upside down for me... I could have left, I had the chance and I would have been happy....and I stayed...and I cried.  Life changed...I knew what was going to happen, I knew I couldn't take my kids away from their dad when he needed them the most. My feelings didn't matter and I had to put them aside.  After all this man was someone I cared about...things may have changed over the years..but I still cared about him, I still cared about what was happening, and I felt awful.

So here we are 3 years later....and really at the end. I know it, he knows our kids know it.  I still get upset with him...but we have resolved a lot of the past. Like I said in a past post, I'm learning to forgive. We are still friends, we still care about each other... and we still love each other....how could we not with what we've been through. Even if we were divorced I would probably say I loved him.  We are complicated like that. We've had an odd marriage, far from perfect.  I've come out of this whole experience stronger and more confident than I've ever been in my life.  I'm back to being me....but a far better version of me than I was 14years ago, and I like it.  I'm not afraid to tell my story anymore.  In my lowest moments...I found myself, and I've found I can deal with whatever things life throws at me.  Yes I stayed....yes it was hard. I'm not saying that people in my situation should stay...this was my situation, my choice.. I needed to see this through I guess to the end. To feel like I hadn't run away...I faced things head on and for me that was huge and it was the start of the healing and forgiving process.  I am not broken...or damaged...I am whole...and taking everyday as it comes.  Life goes on, and I will stay until the end.