My Workout Playlist

I'm in workout mode.....I should say I'm in 5K training mode.  I signed up for my first one ever in 3 months.  I'm totally stoked for it, but I've never run more than a mile in my life.  Sure when I was growing up, and into my 20's I played sports here and there.  I was never on a school team (because I was too shy...not confident enough to try out),  but church basketball and volleyball, I loved.  Looking in the mirror, I don't see that person anymore and it has really started bothering me. I just can't accept the person that I'm looking at....it's not me...and I'm not OK with it.  I was at the doctor this week because I've been feeling dizzy,  little inflammation in my inner ear...no big deal, just annoying.  In the course of talking to him and having him ask how I was doing, I told him how discouraged I am at not being able to lose weight like I used to be able to.  OK....I'm old I get it.....and I sat in there holding back my tears....because I was not going to cry....again...in his office. Good grief I hate that.  I've been eating everything right, I've been pushing myself to go faster and longer each week....with minimal results other than I feel stronger.  I know I shouldn't focus on the numbers, and I generally don't.  I feel better, but come on I want to look better.  I'm not as patient as I used to be. And although I would never wish to be in my 20's again (what an awkward time that was for me)....I want to still look like I'm in my 20's.  Wishful thinking, maybe....I don't care.  So I'm embarrassed to say I got a prescription for a weight loss pill....yes I just said that.  I can't believe I did, but I need a jump start.  Maybe it's the easy way, I hate taking medication, but I'm going to try it for 30 days. If it helps...it helps.  If not then I continue what I've been doing and hope results start showing.  I just hope I'm ready for this 5K in 3 months...

So a big part of my workout is my music.  I have to listen to music (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this quite a bit).  When I'm working out, I'm relieving stress, I'm letting go of anger and sadness, I'm trying to feel sexy, block out the world and be transported to a different place. In that place, I'm not 40 overweight and feeling insecure.  I'm 40, feeling like I can take on the world....and it feels good.  So I thought I would share my music....You may question what I listen to. It doesn't matter....this is what helps me get through my workouts....you have to find what motivates you. Swear words and all included because sometimes that's my mood.  I put it on shuffle so everyday is a little different....

1. Dirty Little Secret --- The All American Rejects              27. Let it Rock --- Kevin Rudolf
2. Sail  --- AWOLNATION                                               28. Iridescent --- Linkin Park
3. You Don't Know Me --- Ben Folds                                29. Why Can't I --- Liz Phair
4. Irreplaceable --- Beyonce'                                              30. Ho Hey --- The Lumineers   
5. Womanizer --- Brittney Spears                                       31. Always Be My Baby --- Mariah Carey
6. She Ain't You --- Chris Brown                                       32. Payphone --- Maroon 5
7. Forever --- Chris Brown                                                33. Let's Go --- Matt and Kim
8. Run It! --- Chris Brown                                                 34. I Will Wait --- Mumford & Sons
9. Not Myself Tonight --- Christina Aguilera                       35. The Cave --- Mumford & Sons
10. Love, Save the Empty --- Erin McCarly                       36. Hot-N-Fun --- N.E.R.D. and Nelly Furtado
11. Clumsy --- Fergie                                                        37. Just a Dream --- Nelly
12. Glamorous --- Fergie                                                   38. Settle Down --- No Doubt
13. The Pretender --- Foo Fighters                                    39. Days Go By --- The Offspring
14. Over My Head --- The Fray                                       40. Don't Let Me Get Me --- P!nk
15. Killing Me Softly With His Song --- The Fugees           41. Walk Away --- P!nk
16. The Sweet Escape --- Gwen Stefani                            42. Home --- Phillip Phillips
17. Rich Girl --- Gwen Stefani                                           43. Hey Baby (Drop it to the Floor) --- Pitbull
18. The Fighter --- Gym Class Heroes                               44. Don't Stop the Music --- Rhianna
19. Stereo Hearts --- Gym Class Heroes                           45. Cheers (Drink To That) --- Rhianna
20. On Top of the World --- Imagine Dragons                    46. Drowning (Face Down) --- Saving Abel
21. On the Floor --- Jennifer Lopez                                   47. All I Wanna Do --- Sheryl Crow
22. Leavin' --- Jesse McCartney                                       48. All For You --- Sister Hazel
23. Wanted --- Jessie James                                             49. Waterfalls --- TLC
24. Leave (Get Out) --- JoJo                                            50. Yeah! --- Usher
25. No Air --- Jordin Sparks                                            51. DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love --- Usher
26. SexyBack --- Justin Timberlake                                  52. Bitter Sweet Symphony --- The Verve

Recently added:

53. Mirrors --- Justin Timberlake                                      56. MoneyGrabber --- Fitz & The Tantrums
54. These Days --- Foo Fighters                                       57. Troublemaker --- Olly Murs
55. Walk --- Foo Fighters                                                 58. Wings --- Little Mix

There you go.  You will probably never know what I'm really thinking about while I'm in my other world, but you now know what I'm listening to while I'm there.  Find what motivates you and keeps you going......just keep moving...don't stop :o)

Catching Back Up With Life

So as always life has been a little crazy.....I really don't expect it ever not to be.  Ups and downs, highs and lows.  As I mentioned in my last post, I've gone back to dealing with it rather than avoiding it.   I went through a good year and a half of being pure lazy, avoiding life, hating everything.....because I didn't want to deal with anything, and gaining more weight than I will ever put in writing.   So I started a blog and vented a lot and got everything out I needed to get out.   I go longer between posts now (you may or may not have noticed).  I still deal with the same stuff I've been dealing with, with Todd.....that's on going.  I still get angry.....some days worse than others (I have issues maybe it's genetic).  I still have days I feel like I'm trapped in this state of  not being able to move forward or backward or any way what so ever.   Although I am absolutely moving forward.   I still have days that I cry for reasons I'm not going to share, because I might be strong but I still have feelings.  I still....no matter what is going on inside of me.....will have a smile on my face when I walk out of my front door to greet the world, because that is just how I am.   I have plenty of outlets to vent my feelings, I don't need to look like I'm miserable even if there are days I truly am.

Catching back up with my life that I put on hold for a while, means I've been keeping myself busy.  We are back to doctors appointments for Todd.  I'll be honest I'm not thrilled about this, but it's his life and he deserves to do what he can to make it better for himself.   All I can do right now is help him through this journey, but being a part of his life.....well he's going to have to accept at some point that I don't want to be.  I've mentioned before I'm back to working out regularly....and it feels so good.  Some days twice, just because I have a lot of things in my head I'm trying to block out, and a lot of stress I need to relieve.  I'm working towards my goal of running a 5K this summer.  I'm really excited about it.  I have a little ways to go to get my body in the shape I want and need it to be in, but I'm determined to do it. My longer term goal....to be in the best shape I've ever been in, when I turn 41 this year.   I'm venturing back out into the working world again....not only financially do I need this, but mentally.  For now I'm trying to get my old job back, and hopefully that happens in the next few weeks.  I'm almost positive it will.  I'm not really thrilled to go back there, but it's a job and it has hours I know will work best with everything I have to work around during the day. The main thing here that I'm trying to get across, is you have to keep moving.....I have to keep moving.  Letting myself stop is completely unproductive.  Sure I was still able to function in taking care of kids and making dinner (most nights)....cleaning the house (sometimes)....in short doing the bare minimum that needed to be done. It was not a fun place for me to be.   I still have a house that is falling a part, every day it seems there is something else that needs to be repaired....and it can be overwhelming.  Getting my life back on track means I can look at things with the attitude of  "it's fixable" and "it's achievable"...instead of "it's impossible".  There's a lot of things going on that I still don't quite know how to deal with....but I know I can figure it out.  Catching back up with my life and having a positive attitude means I can do anything I set my mind to do.....watch out world...I'm back....