Yesterday I had a doctors appointment. My blood pressure is where it needs to be and I've lost almost 30 pounds. I'm really quite proud of myself. He (my doctor) asked me what I've been doing differently. My answer, I've changed my eating habits and I'm exercising. After coming home and thinking about it, I realized that's not it, I mean it definitely is part of the reason, but not the whole reason. For the last five years I have battled with stress....stress...and more stress, a husband who is losing his fight with Cirrhosis, heartache, and heart break like I've never felt before, and on top of that add growing up being painfully shy, a horrible self esteem and even worse body image, and a not so great marriage. It is no wonder that I've battled with weight my entire life, my issues quite literally weigh me down. Sure I could lose weight in the past, quickly, easily and I would gain it back even faster. Why? I only dealt with what I saw on the outside, I never addressed what was really hurting me inside. I still carried all the pain with me that I've carried and added to over the years. I've tried to figure out why I had such a poor self esteem. I always wanted to hide myself, never called attention to myself. I didn't want people noticing me for fear that I would be made fun of. Why? I don't know. I don't remember really being made fun of. Maybe it's something I've completely blocked out of my memory. I was always incredibly self conscious. I really wish I knew why. These issues I left behind a few years ago. Even though I'm heavier than I would like to be, I still think I look pretty good. I'm beautiful (We should all be able to say that about ourselves). I can look in a mirror and not cringe. I do still have issues with getting my picture taken....but I truly think cameras hate me. I can look in the mirror think I look great, get my picture taken 5 minutes later and I usually look at the picture and think..... What the Hell happened in the last 5 minutes? I guess I don't see in pictures what I see in the mirror. It's not an issue that weighs me down, I just happen to hate cameras. The poor self esteem, being self conscious, and being overly shy, are gone. They really are. I don't worry about those things anymore, because I don't know why they were issues with me to begin with, therefore there is no reason for me to hold on to them. The other things....well those are big and deep and painful. Things I had to make myself face, because holding on to them continued to weigh me down. Getting to my heaviest weight ever... and that includes pregnancy weight, made me depressed. I couldn't believe I let myself get to that point. I tried dieting, I tried exercising. I blamed it on being older when nothing was happening, and I stopped because I got so discouraged. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I talk to myself a lot. (I actually think I've already admitted this in past posts). Not out loud so much, but in my head. I do a lot of thinking. I really just sit and talk things through as if I was sitting and talking to a therapist. Maybe that makes me crazy....I don't know it works for me, so I'll stick with it. In the past year I've done a lot of soul searching. Figuring out who I am, why I do the things I do, what kind of person I want to be. Hardest journey ever, I'm still on it. Part of that journey is dealing with all the issues that are painful and yucky (for lack of a better word). Because really, how do I expect to be healthy in my mind, body and soul if I don't work through the "bad" stuff? What a difference it has made. No, my life is not perfect. Yes I still deal with issues. I've learned to face them instead of pushing them deep down to a place where they can continue to hurt me. Stress is always going to be a part of my life....it just is. Saying I'll wait until my life is less stressful to try and lose weight....that's just silly. I've learned to just deal with the stress. Ok sometimes things happen that are overwhelmingly hard, that stop me in my tracks, that throw me off for a short period of time. I let it stop me for a moment....and that is all....a moment....and I continue on. I'm not in any way saying it's that easy for everyone....it's not even that easy for me. This is hard....really.....really hard. I'm able to do it without therapy and medications. It's different for everyone. I just happen to have a weird way of being able to work things through in my head. We all have issues....everyone, whether we admit to them or not. Remember that the next time you hear someone making fun of someone else. We don't always know the deep, personal, hard battles that everyone fights. I know that being more aware of my own issues helps me to understand why I need to be more thoughtful about the things I say and do. Life is a journey, we make mistakes, we hurt people, we get hurt, we learn, we grow, we heal, and we work to make ourselves better people in the process.
And because I want to.....I'm suggesting you go listen to my feel good song today. Corrine Bailey Rae..... "Put Your Records On". I dare you to listen to this song and not move to the music. :o) (For my friends on FB I posted it yesterday)
