First of all if you like following along, I apologize for the lack of posts lately. Going back to work nights, combined with summer means I've been one busy mom. The kids are back to school this week and today for the first time in it feels like forever I have a few hours to myself, so I thought I would share what I've been thinking about.
I've had this post in my head for a few weeks now. I'm a person that does not enjoy reading self help books. Not because I don't think the people writing them have good points, but because I'm a person that likes to explore my own mind, figure out things for myself. I like looking at things from different angles and talking things out. I think everyone has their own story. What works for me, won't necessarily work for you. Our minds are amazing and complex, and I want to be able to explore that on my own, without having someone tell me what I need to do to be happy. That's just me though. I do however love reading books that make me think about life. I like books that relate to me, where I am right now in my life. I have a job that I can sit and listen to whatever I want for 8 hours a night, so I listen to books. Every once in awhile I come across books that stay with me. I happened to have 2 in the same week. "The Mermaid Chair" by Sue Monk Kidd and "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. I loved both and started thinking about this post shortly after finishing them.
Balance....mind, body and soul. They all work together. If one of these is off or out of balance, we don't feel so great. I don't know if this is a common sense thing for everyone, but it is for me. If our lives are in balance we can certainly handle things a little better. Right? I think so. The hard part.....well... figuring out how to get there. I can tell you from my own experience that I was off balance for a very long time, pretty much my whole life. I was always (maybe not always) a person that put a smile on my face for the world, when on the inside I was miserable. Overweight, unhappy, and I thought very little about myself. I stopped going to church a long time ago, because I didn't want anything to do with being spiritual or religious. In short, I didn't care about much, I felt sorry for myself, because my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to go....and of course that wasn't my fault. Yea...right. I guess one day I realized that I'm just not the same person I used to be. I've had experiences that have truly changed me, that have made me stop and think about who I am and that have made me question so many things about myself. So I have to be honest when I say I didn't know that my life was in balance until one day I realized, even with everything going on around me, I could say that I was happy. I am happy. How did I do it? It wasn't something that I said... I want to do this...I'm going to set goals and I'm really going to focus on changing myself. I don't work like that. This is why I say it is different for everyone. You have to be willing to change. You have to understand that it isn't easy. You have to be willing and find a way to confront all the things that hurt you, that cause you pain and sadness....counseling, talking with friends, praying, medication, meditation....there are so many ways...but when you confront those things you have to be ready to find ways to deal with them. If something in your life is making you unhappy you have to either let it go, or find a way make it work. So mind, body and soul. Where did I start? My body.....One day I decided I wanted to be around to see not just my kids grow up but hopefully grandchildren. I woke up to the damage I was doing to myself physically and knew I had to change something. So I did. This one actually came last, because I only started working on it in the last 6 months or so. I'm down almost 60 pounds and I'm not dieting. I honestly just changed what I eat, started exercising and got a little help from my doctor. I'm doing this for myself. I want to feel good, and I do. My mind.... was somewhere in the middle, and that has been my journey I guess through writing. I didn't start my blog to accomplish anything. I did it because I needed to vent. I was sitting at home taking care of a husband that drove me crazy when he wasn't sick, I felt like I was going insane (and I probably was), and I needed a release. Through writing I discovered so much more about myself and it truly surprised me. I began a very hard, sometimes very painful journey. It wasn't planned, but as I started looking at things differently it ended up being a natural progression. I knew in my heart I had to make peace with things. There were many tears. There was overwhelming heartache. Sadness, and self discovery. Forgiveness, and closure. There are still things I'm working on, because life still goes on around me. My soul....where I was hurting the most....was first. I did very little in the beginning. Little prayers here and there pleading for help, because I was so tired, I had so many things hitting me from all sides and it was all I could do to try and keep my head above water, while life was threatening to pull me under and drown me. I started taking drives by myself. Usually because I was angry, and slowly I would focus, I would turn my radio off and I say I talk to myself, but really I was talking to God. I would go through everything I was feeling and I would slowly figure out how to solve problems. And even though I would leave on these drives so angry I couldn't see straight, I came home feeling better, renewed with a sense of hope. My soul, my spirituality has progressed over the last couple of years. Mind, body, and soul working together as one gives me an inner strength and happiness I've never known. Each one reinforcing the strength of the others. Is it is easy? No. I am constantly working to stay balanced, my arms outstretched like I'm walking on a beam. Is my life perfect? Far from it. I still have trials, I still have stress, I still have frustrations and worry about finances and getting bills paid. I have to put aside every want to take care of the needs of my family. This is called life, and right now this is how my life is. The day I discovered and understood that all three were working as one happened a couple of weeks ago, when my 18yr old decided to come home at 4am, so drunk he couldn't stand. After 5 minutes of me starting to lose it and him throwing up on my living room floor, I walked to my room, picked up the phone and called the police to come take him away. Yes I sent him to jail. Living with an alcoholic husband for years, means I have very low tolerance for this now. When he called me a couple of hours later begging me to bail him out, I said "No...I love you" and hung up the phone. He stayed a full day until he was released. When I talked to him the next day, I explained to him why I did it. Why this one thing, was the most disappointed I've ever been with him and how much he hurt me. This single act brought back a tidal wave of memories and pain crashing over me, that I'd already made peace with. I decided at that moment it was not going to drag me under, and it didn't. Life went on that day, and even though I was upset with my son for doing this, I could honestly say that I was OK. Yes, balance equals happiness....inner peace....strength. It helps me to focus and fight the hard battles and gives me hope for the future, and I am constantly working to keep my mind, body and soul working as one.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
What Life Was Like Growing Up
It's been a busy few weeks, life continuing on, with birthdays, swimming, yard work, appointments. Enjoying my family and also thinking continually of my best friend and her family whose father passed away this last week. I honestly have had nothing that I really wanted to write about. But after spending an afternoon with my mom and two of my sisters, swimming with our kids, I had a million memories go through my mind.
Summer is by far my favorite season, spring is a close second....fall and winter I could do without....unless I lived somewhere warmer. So when I think back to growing up this is where a lot of my memories usually are. I was born in Las Vegas and lived there for about 7 years before my family moved to New Jersey the first time. We moved back to Las Vegas a couple of years later....and then finally back to New Jersey when I was 11. We stayed there until my mom decided to move to Utah a couple of years after my dad died.
When I think about my life, my first thoughts are of my family. I didn't know if we were rich or poor, I don't think I ever thought of my family in that way. We just lived and I had what I needed. I remember the first house we lived in, it was small. I played outside a lot. I had a friend across the street. I remember learning to ride my bike and learning how to skate in my brother's skates that were too big for me. Even back then I was determined and stubborn. I remember jumping rope and playing at the park, and going to kindergarten. I had long straight hair, and I remember looking in the mirror one day and telling my mom I wanted it short. I'm still a little traumatized by that haircut, short and then she put curlers in it....It was an Annie hair do but brown...awful. I think when I was 6 we moved into our second house. We lived across the street from the desert, although it's no longer desert anymore. It snowed for the first time that I had ever seen, a rare event in Las Vegas....it didn't last long. We used to go fishing at Lake Mead and went for drives to the Red Rocks. I don't remember ever eating fast food. We packed lunches anytime we went anywhere. Summer meant my older sister coming to visit. There were even times my brother would want to spend time with me and we would go across the street to see what treasures we could find and catch lizards. I remember riding bikes and playing with friends. I can remember when my mom told us we were moving to New Jersey, and we were going to live right by the ocean. I think I was pretty excited about it, and I can remember clearly what I pictured it would look like. Living on the east coast was so different, not as many kids around to play with but there were kids next door and in one of the houses behind ours. These are the years that I remember most. We only lived back east for maybe 11 years but I consider New Jersey my home. I remember my first day of second grade, standing in line waiting to go in, meeting new friends, playing on the play ground, and getting lost walking home. The crossing guard, who had to call my mom to come get me, because I couldn't remember which way to go. Many summers meant, catching lightning bugs, and playing ghosts in the graveyard when it got dark, bare footed....I still hate to wear shoes. No one really had fences. There was a lot of area to run through. We would get together who we could on our block and play kickball at the neighbors house, or in the road in front of our house. We spent time swimming. Sundays were days spent at church and with family. Surprisingly, we didn't go to the beach very often. Life was easy. As I got older, friends changed just because life happens. I met my friend who is still my best friend today. The first day of 6th grade she gave me a friendship pin, and we have made a million memories since then. Hanging out at the mall, going to movies, hanging out at her house. Sleepovers and makeovers, laughing to the point of tears. Summers always meant flying or driving....depending where we lived, to Utah so my dad could go hunting and we could visit family.....grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We always stayed with my mom's parents. It was a quiet little town, and we spent days playing at the park across the street that had a huge slide....The park is long gone, but the memories are still there. I would sit on the front porch on the swing, and walk through my grandpa's orchard. He had so many trees full of fruit. We would always go to Lagoon and that was a huge treat for us. Although now that I live here, I can't stand going there anymore. I remember mostly sleeping on the back porch that was a bedroom, and opening up all the windows. At night I could here the screams from the people riding the rides at Lagoon, and in the mornings I could here the lions roaring. My other grandpa had a farm, and I loved walking up the yard to see the horses, peacocks, and the goat, I know there were other birds I just don't remember what they were. We usually got to ride a horse and it always scared me to death. I always got to spend a day and sometimes two with my other best friend. Our moms were good friends who grew up around the corner from each other and since we were born the same year, we became instant friends. We ended up being roommates in college and then again a few years later. And I'm glad I can still call her my friend today. In my teens I became the babysitter at home with 4 younger siblings. I also became the lawn mower when my brother went to college. I actually loved doing this, it also meant I took over mowing the lawn for our neighbor directly behind us. A very nice old man, however his house scared me to death, so I only got paid when he noticed I mowed it and he would see me outside. We spent a lot of time at our church, with activities during the week. This was one of my favorite places to be. Dances, basketball, volleyball, youth conference and girls camp. So many memories, I could go on forever. When I was 17, at the beginning of my senior year, my dad died, and time froze a little for me. I had more responsibility than I wanted but it was necessary, and I remember very little about that year. I just wanted to get through each day, come home, and be left alone. Life changed for me. Up to that point life was easy, nothing bad ever happened, and I really didn't have a care in the world. My hardest moment up to that point was the summer before my senior year when my mom threatened to drop me off at the mall and said she wouldn't pick me up until I had a job. My dad ended up getting me a job in the HR department at one of the casinos that was getting ready to open. Life was easy, and then it got flipped upside down. I guess you could say I was sheltered or naive...spoiled in a way. But as I always say, life is ever changing, sometimes we wish it didn't, sometimes it's harder than we feel we can take. This is why it's so important to make memories and write them down. I had a great childhood, I wish life could be as simple as it was then....but what great memories I have, and continue to make with my own children.
Summer is by far my favorite season, spring is a close second....fall and winter I could do without....unless I lived somewhere warmer. So when I think back to growing up this is where a lot of my memories usually are. I was born in Las Vegas and lived there for about 7 years before my family moved to New Jersey the first time. We moved back to Las Vegas a couple of years later....and then finally back to New Jersey when I was 11. We stayed there until my mom decided to move to Utah a couple of years after my dad died.
When I think about my life, my first thoughts are of my family. I didn't know if we were rich or poor, I don't think I ever thought of my family in that way. We just lived and I had what I needed. I remember the first house we lived in, it was small. I played outside a lot. I had a friend across the street. I remember learning to ride my bike and learning how to skate in my brother's skates that were too big for me. Even back then I was determined and stubborn. I remember jumping rope and playing at the park, and going to kindergarten. I had long straight hair, and I remember looking in the mirror one day and telling my mom I wanted it short. I'm still a little traumatized by that haircut, short and then she put curlers in it....It was an Annie hair do but brown...awful. I think when I was 6 we moved into our second house. We lived across the street from the desert, although it's no longer desert anymore. It snowed for the first time that I had ever seen, a rare event in Las Vegas....it didn't last long. We used to go fishing at Lake Mead and went for drives to the Red Rocks. I don't remember ever eating fast food. We packed lunches anytime we went anywhere. Summer meant my older sister coming to visit. There were even times my brother would want to spend time with me and we would go across the street to see what treasures we could find and catch lizards. I remember riding bikes and playing with friends. I can remember when my mom told us we were moving to New Jersey, and we were going to live right by the ocean. I think I was pretty excited about it, and I can remember clearly what I pictured it would look like. Living on the east coast was so different, not as many kids around to play with but there were kids next door and in one of the houses behind ours. These are the years that I remember most. We only lived back east for maybe 11 years but I consider New Jersey my home. I remember my first day of second grade, standing in line waiting to go in, meeting new friends, playing on the play ground, and getting lost walking home. The crossing guard, who had to call my mom to come get me, because I couldn't remember which way to go. Many summers meant, catching lightning bugs, and playing ghosts in the graveyard when it got dark, bare footed....I still hate to wear shoes. No one really had fences. There was a lot of area to run through. We would get together who we could on our block and play kickball at the neighbors house, or in the road in front of our house. We spent time swimming. Sundays were days spent at church and with family. Surprisingly, we didn't go to the beach very often. Life was easy. As I got older, friends changed just because life happens. I met my friend who is still my best friend today. The first day of 6th grade she gave me a friendship pin, and we have made a million memories since then. Hanging out at the mall, going to movies, hanging out at her house. Sleepovers and makeovers, laughing to the point of tears. Summers always meant flying or driving....depending where we lived, to Utah so my dad could go hunting and we could visit family.....grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We always stayed with my mom's parents. It was a quiet little town, and we spent days playing at the park across the street that had a huge slide....The park is long gone, but the memories are still there. I would sit on the front porch on the swing, and walk through my grandpa's orchard. He had so many trees full of fruit. We would always go to Lagoon and that was a huge treat for us. Although now that I live here, I can't stand going there anymore. I remember mostly sleeping on the back porch that was a bedroom, and opening up all the windows. At night I could here the screams from the people riding the rides at Lagoon, and in the mornings I could here the lions roaring. My other grandpa had a farm, and I loved walking up the yard to see the horses, peacocks, and the goat, I know there were other birds I just don't remember what they were. We usually got to ride a horse and it always scared me to death. I always got to spend a day and sometimes two with my other best friend. Our moms were good friends who grew up around the corner from each other and since we were born the same year, we became instant friends. We ended up being roommates in college and then again a few years later. And I'm glad I can still call her my friend today. In my teens I became the babysitter at home with 4 younger siblings. I also became the lawn mower when my brother went to college. I actually loved doing this, it also meant I took over mowing the lawn for our neighbor directly behind us. A very nice old man, however his house scared me to death, so I only got paid when he noticed I mowed it and he would see me outside. We spent a lot of time at our church, with activities during the week. This was one of my favorite places to be. Dances, basketball, volleyball, youth conference and girls camp. So many memories, I could go on forever. When I was 17, at the beginning of my senior year, my dad died, and time froze a little for me. I had more responsibility than I wanted but it was necessary, and I remember very little about that year. I just wanted to get through each day, come home, and be left alone. Life changed for me. Up to that point life was easy, nothing bad ever happened, and I really didn't have a care in the world. My hardest moment up to that point was the summer before my senior year when my mom threatened to drop me off at the mall and said she wouldn't pick me up until I had a job. My dad ended up getting me a job in the HR department at one of the casinos that was getting ready to open. Life was easy, and then it got flipped upside down. I guess you could say I was sheltered or naive...spoiled in a way. But as I always say, life is ever changing, sometimes we wish it didn't, sometimes it's harder than we feel we can take. This is why it's so important to make memories and write them down. I had a great childhood, I wish life could be as simple as it was then....but what great memories I have, and continue to make with my own children.
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