Make Peace With The Past

Last week, I was getting ready to take Todd to one of his appointments when he said, "I think it's time for me to start saying good-bye to people."   I was quiet for a few moments before I responded.  "Why are you thinking that?"  "Because I'm just not feeling right lately.....I'm not sure what's wrong with me."  Now, I don't know what time frame we are looking at with him.  I know that his doctor he sees now for his liver has told him that only 10% of people with Cirrhosis make it past the 5 year mark.  I know that we have reached that 5 year mark. I also know that at 44 Todd is younger than most people who die from this, which I think helps him.  I'm not convinced it's his time just yet, but I think he is finally coming to terms with things, and acknowledging out loud that it is going to happen.  The last part of his statement he says a lot.....and it makes me a little crazy.  Sometimes I wonder if he really understands what is going on with his body, if he's read anything about it.  I know I have, and I know I, along with his doctors have all tried to explain things to him.  I think a lot of the problem is denial or just not wanting to think about it, and it could even be that he doesn't remember what's been explained to him because his short term memory is so awful.  The main reason I've always gone to every one of his appointments is to make sure I hear the information first hand.  He always manages to hear something completely different than I do when we are sitting in the same room. 

I've noticed the last week or two that he has been a lot more tired than usual.  It could be because he pushed himself to do things for two weeks and made his body shut down and say enough.  It could be that he is more upset than he is letting on about our son leaving without saying good-bye, and us not hearing from him at all in the last month.  He could be depressed and he could be just....tired.  I don't know if this is a phase or if it's things progressing....I never know.  But I knew he was in a mind set to talk, so we did. 

As we were driving, I said to him that he should start thinking about things he maybe wanted to do or resolve in his life.  His first thought.... "Well I'd really like if you and I could go on a cruise."  Here's me rolling my eyes.....that's not what I meant.  We are so completely opposite and this one way screams it the loudest.  He always thinks in terms of money.  If he has a penny in his pocket he has to spend it.....but we won't go down that crazy road of arguments.  What I meant was...What things do you feel like you need to make peace with?  This is maybe what you should be thinking about.  Because you either deal with this stuff now, or you deal with it after you die.....it all doesn't just disappear and it's going to be painful either way.  See, Todd grew up in a family that never says, "I'm sorry." ....well I know I've heard his mom say it, but I've never heard it from anyone else.  We had a big blow up argument with his dad last October, nobody spoke to each other for two months, in December his dad sent him a text message that said... it's time for this nonsense to be over, we'll see you at the Christmas party.  No apologies. For what happened there NEEDED to be an apology.  Todd didn't respond and it's been a year since he has seen anyone in his family.  Not only has Todd hurt a lot of people in his life, he himself has been hurt by a lot of people in his life.  At some point he needs to come to terms with the fact that the past is the past.  His dad will never apologize for anything that happened when he was a kid.  Todd has tried to talk to him....his dad won't talk.  This is a man who once told his granddaughter, my niece, when she was maybe 8 and asked why him and grandma (Todd's mom) got a divorce, that if she asked him about it again she couldn't come to his house anymore.  It's obvious he has issues and needs massive amounts of therapy.  Todd will never be able to resolve the past with him, not here anyway.  So we talked about ways he could try to make peace with the past.  We had a good talk.  I asked him to maybe write experiences down.  He wasn't sure he could do that, it would be really hard.  I told him that is exactly why he should.  Todd has changed a lot over the last 5 years.  It is part of the reason why I have been able to make peace with things.  Having a husband who was an alcoholic, and doesn't remember most of what he said or did during that time, means I had to really dig deep and accept that....and it was hard, but it has been worth it.  Making peace with the past.....letting it go, frees you. I want desperately for Todd to understand this.  Why would I want that for a man who has given me years of frustration?  Because, he's not an evil person.  He deserves to be happy just like anyone else, and he deserves to move on from this life free of those chains.  Will he?  I can't even answer that.  The patterns of his life say no he won't.  But, we have the power to break those patterns.  Maybe he will.....I hope he will for his own happiness.  I think too many people wait until the end, afraid of what comes next.  I want happiness while I'm here and I want to enjoy it.  I wish Todd could have been happy in this life.  I'm not sure he has ever been.  Even though he loves me with all his heart....I know he does....he's never been truly happy.  His past has weighed him down, and it does make me feel sad for him.  I hope one day he truly will have some peace and happiness.   I know that this alone is what makes me want to do what I can to forgive, and make peace with the past and continue on.  It is a lesson we should all learn....don't wait until the end, decide you want happiness now, and try to let go of the things that can't be resolved, so you can have peace.

Write Down Your Memories, Share Your Memories

I moved to Utah with my mom and younger siblings, when I was 20.  My grandparents and relatives all live here and growing up, we would come to visit once a year.  My mom grew up in a home that was built by her grandparents.  My dad grew up on a farm in a home built by his grandfather.  I've always loved that.  Knowing how long those homes were there, and the history that surrounds them.  I didn't really appreciate any of it until recently.  Two years ago my mom faced the agonizing decision with her brother of what to do with the home they grew up in.  My grandparents have all been gone for a while now, and the house needed a lot of work. It was sold.  The couple that bought it, did exactly what needed to be done, and it looks amazing inside and out.  Although I'm sad it's not in our family anymore, it's still there and I'm happy that someone lives there and loves it.  This year my dad's brother and sister faced the same agonizing decision and the family farm was sold.  The houses will remain, but the property....the farm...will be gone.   I loved both of these places for so many different reasons.  The house my mom grew up in had a large orchard in the back, mostly apple trees, my grandpa was known for his apples. When we would visit in the Fall there were always bushels of apples on the front porch to sell. My grandpa's apples were the best.   When we visited my other grandpa at the farm, I loved walking up the yard, to where the horses were, past the peacocks and other birds, and I would run past the goat that I was a little afraid of.  I was thinking about why I used to love just walking around both of these places, through the orchard and the farm.  I remember it always being quiet,  they were kind of magical places for me.  I didn't understand the feeling I felt, walking around those places until recently, when I started really thinking about it.  The quiet, calm.  The feeling of peace and strength of family surrounding me. I could walk through either of those places and have an instant feeling of peace. I've lived within 5 minutes of both of these places for the last 21 years and didn't visit them nearly enough.

In the last month I've dealt with a son moving on, we still haven't heard from him.  His little brother misses him and keeps asking where he is.....I don't have any answers to give him.  I said good bye to our family farm and took a ton of pictures, and last week was the anniversary of the day my dad died 24 years ago. It's been an unbelievably emotional month for me, but life goes on.  I still have to go to work everyday, get kids to school, help with homework, make sure everything gets taken care of.  I love my son with all  my heart, but if he needs to figure out life without us, then I'll let him. 

I've always known how important it is to share our memories no matter how hard.  I know almost nothing about my dad's mom.  She died when he was a little boy, and it was too hard for anyone to talk about her without being overcome with grief and emotion.  Despite not knowing really anything about her, I feel a connection to her that I can't really explain. She is one person I can't wait to meet one day.  As I get older, my memory isn't as good.  I don't want my kids to grow up saying they don't know anything about their grandfather, and I want them to remember as much as they can about their own dad.  Not knowing how much time they have left with him, means that memories past and present are so important.  I love sharing memories that I have, some make me laugh, some make me cry.  Some memories aren't happy memories, but there's no rule that says you only write down the happy memories.  There is a 17 year difference between my oldest sibling and my youngest, our memories of our dad vary, some having many more than others.  My youngest sister having almost none.  THIS is why it is so important to write things down....to share them with each other....often.  It is important to remember where we come from, our memories help us see why we are the way we are.   We never know what experiences we may go through, that might help someone else years or generations later, who might be going through something similar.  Sometimes it's hard to write down what you are feeling.....do it anyway.  

“They say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.”
― Sue Monk Kidd

Write down your memories...start now, make time.  Share your memories....often