Thankful for....Everything...Almost

I have had one Hell of a morning.  It started with a wake up text from my 15 year old who took the wrong back pack to school (I'm still trying figure that one out), and needed me to bring him the right one,  a complete waste of a trip to the Social Security office, where I sat for 45 minutes, next to a guy wearing Homer Simpson slippers to find out I was missing one piece of information that they needed, and a parking ticket because I'm an idiot and my car's registration is expired.  So by 10:15am after being driven to the point of insanity, I drove to the nearest gas station, bought a giant diet coke, and a giant cookie (actually half peanut butter cookie, and half brownie)...and proceeded to numb my brain with more sugar, calories and caffeine than anyone should ever have in one sitting, especially at 10:30 in the morning....I might be feeling a little sick, but the frustration has significantly decreased.

There are two ways to look at life.....positively or negatively, with a lot of variations in between. I wish I could say I was a person that was positive about everything....I'm working on it.  Glass half full, glass half empty. If you were being completely honest with yourself where would you be?  This past year, has marked a significant changing point in my life. I woke up and realized that I've been really stupid about a lot of things.  I was bitter, angry, jealous, confused, blinded....and avoiding things because I was tired of being hurt. Tired of not being able to have "that" life....you know the one where I wouldn't have a care in the world, where my husband took care of me and everything, where I could go on vacations and wouldn't have to work, or worry about money and bills and holding on until my next pay day when I still have a week to go and $50 to my name. Life has been this way for so many years that it wore me out.  I will never claim to be a writer, but writing all this down and sorting everything out, is what helped me change my way of thinking.  When I look back at my life, specifically over the last 17 years,  every trial that I have been through, every experience that I have had that has brought me joy, or caused me pain, filled me with sorrow, humiliation, regret has made me who I am today.  Everyone could say this.  It took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Because of that, I can be, and I am thankful for every experience that I've been through up to this point. Really.  I can't say I've enjoyed every experience or trial that I've had, but I can look back at my life and instead of looking at it with regret, I can be thankful for everything that I have learned because of the choices I made.  So what am I thankful for, since it is November and this is what we do in November?  I'm thankful for just about everything and everyone in my life.  I might not be thankful for the stupid ticket I got today, but I still have a car to drive and a reminder that on pay day the registration needs to be done.  I might not be thankful that my husband is very, very sick. However we have been extremely blessed when it comes to his care.  I'm thankful for every single person that we have come across in the medical field. Doctors, nurses, CNA's, wound care specialists, pharmacists, and his hospice team.  Many of which I have become friends with.  People who have bent over backwards to help us. There are definitely things I wish didn't happen but, if I'm looking at things with my glass half full, I can see the things to be thankful for, despite the stuff that isn't so great that is going to happen anyway.  So I'm thankful for everything.....almost, and the things I don't want to be thankful for, well there's always cookies to help me feel better....I think we can all be thankful for cookies.

I Am...

Yesterday, when my kids came home from school I asked them to do something for me.  I had them write at the top of a page the words I Am, then I told them to list as many things as they could or wanted to, that described them.  I told them I wanted them to be completely honest and not write things they thought I wanted to see. I did the same for myself.  I wanted to see what my children really think about themselves.  We live in a society where there are so many unreal ideals of how we should look.  Society telling us how we need to  act, or what to think, and I wanted to see how this affects them. I hardly ever watch tv anymore, I can't stand to,  reality tv has taken things to a whole new level of stupidity. I don't want my kids to think that what they see on tv or in magazines is "real", because even reality tv is not.  You want reality, sit down with your family...your friends...your neighbors and get to know them.  Nobody read each others lists, not even me until right now, because I didn't want anyone to influence what anyone else said.  These were our results.

My 9 year old son:   I  Am...

Cool, a brother, awesome, happy, strong, good at math, good at art, an artist, good at painting, good at Lego Batman 2, crazy.

My 14 year old daughter:   I Am...

Happy, sad, smart, talented, I love to sing in front of people, not afraid to say no, normal, a leader, a comedian, amazing, LDS, energetic, an artist,  I have difficulties, I have flaws, I am not perfect, I can't do everything right, I am not the smartest person, I don't wear fancy clothes, I suck at English, I don't have bad friends, I don't follow trends, I don't use photo shop to change what I look like, I don't do drugs, I won't do the wrong things to fit in, I don't judge, I have great friends, I am crazy, I don't fall in love with celebrities,  I am me, I am myself.

My 15 (almost 16) year old son:   I Am...

Cool, funny, smart, nice, a great friend, nice to talk to, a good listener, a hard worker, crafty, I can be a good leader, I am a Mormon, I am who I am.

And Me:  I Am...

A wife, mom, caregiver, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend.  I am not necessarily a writer, but I write what I feel. I am spiritual, a deep thinker, open minded, strong, but I have many weaknesses,  I have some scars, but I am not broken.  I am loving, and I am loved.  I am caring, and I am cared about.  I am unbelievably stubborn, better at giving than receiving, sometimes overly emotional and sometimes very angry.  I am happy, hard working, beautiful (that one is still hard for me to say).  I am a fantastic singer....in my car...when no one is listening.  I am not a size 2 and I don't want to be, but I am active and healthy.  I am an introvert, that was born a Leo, that doesn't make sense...it means I am shy and quiet unless you really know me and see my other side.   Mostly I am patient, but I am a working mom and sometimes I am tired and impatient.  I am not creative, but I have moments of creativity.  I am still addicted to Diet Coke and almond snickers....seriously is there anything better?  I am spreading my wings and learning to fly.  I am able to forgive and move on.  I am me....I am not you, I have my own mind, and I know how to think and make decisions for myself.  I am an individual.  I am all these things and more, and I am not the same today that I was 30 years ago, or 20 years ago, or 5 years ago, maybe even 2 years ago. 

I was quite impressed with what my kids said....they really are great kids. What would your list say? What do you really think about yourself? What would your kids say about themselves?  Try it. It's a great way to start conversations  that we all need to have, because this is reality.  Watching people on tv make fun of other people for the sake of being mean.....what does that teach our kids? How does that influence what they think of themselves? I know growing up I compared myself to every girl I went to school with.  I read all the stupid teen magazines and wanted to look like everyone else but myself.  I can tell you that my top 3 things on my list when I was a teenager would have been (because this is what I really felt).... I am fat, I am ugly, and I am invisible. Thankfully I don't think this anymore, but the purpose of this exercise was because I don't want my kids to ever think this way either.