Everything Is My Fault....It's Always My Fault

I don't think I've even turned my computer on since my last post.  I haven't wanted to.  I haven't wanted to be anywhere near it.  Todd is wearing me out, and I'm just trying to do anything and everything to keep myself sane.  It seems like it's all an uphill battle. Despite having two of his doctors warn him about driving, we still have arguments over it.  He had an appointment to see his doctor he sees for his liver yesterday.  When we were sitting in the office with the Physicians Assistant and talking to him I mentioned that Todd needed "the driving" talk again. Todd tried to convince him he was an excellent driver and he knew when he wasn't ok to drive.... The PA and the doctor told him he didn't, and he shouldn't be driving.  "But, SHE won't take me anywhere"...Yea because I do nothing for him (rolling my eyes)..... I sat there with my mouth shut, and a tight forced not even a smile....smile on my face, while the PA kept looking at me giving me the "I'm so sorry you have to deal with this" look and the doctor suggested relationship therapy, because this is an obvious strain on our "relationship".....LAUGH OUT LOUD! Ya think? I'm not sure what our relationship really is though. The only thing I feel like I even am anymore, is caregiver....that's it. Every..Single... appointment we are in he has to joke or not joke because only I know he really thinks it, that it's my fault for something....anything.  And I get the same look from every person in every office we are in....the same I got yesterday....with the half reassuring smile.. the "I'm so sorry you have to deal with this"..look.   I hate it.... I HATE IT!  Yesterday when the PA left the office before the Doctor came in, Todd sat there angry...saying.. "You would love that wouldn't you? You would love for them to take my license away..." On and on he went....and I got up, told him to find his own way home and walked out of the office..... Ok I didn't actually do that, instead, I looked at him, and in a very low voice I said...."Look I'm sorry you don't like what they are telling you, I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but none of this is MY fault....YOU were the alcoholic and destroyed your life....not me.....deal with it."  And I didn't say another word to him for hours....because at that moment, I hated him....  I'll admit most of the time I joke around with him during his appointments, just to cover up how much he is pissing me off.  You could kind of compare us to the "the honeymooners"  if anyone can remember that show.  It's really not that funny....and I find myself screaming in my head.... "Just shut the hell up!"  Is he ever going to monitor his diabetes....NOPE!  He lives on ice cream, and pop tarts and cereal.  But....that's my fault too.  News Flash.... I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!  Is he ever going to quit smoking?  NOPE.... my fault.. I stress him out too much...  I stress HIM out??!! I told him two days before our daughters last orchestra concert of the year, that he needed to get plenty of rest so he could be there....Did he?  NO.  He wants to go shopping constantly but going to watch his daughter play the violin....that's too hard.  He instead did exactly opposite of what I asked him and he was too out of it, too sick, too asleep to go.  I had friends, and family and complete strangers view a video I posted and like it.  Todd still hasn't watched what I recorded for him.  Being mom and having to make up for what dad doesn't want to do....sucks! Now maybe you know why I can't stand winter and as soon as it's warm enough I live outdoors.  I learned a long time ago I needed to find things to keep me sane.  I don't want to be angry and miserable all the time.  I have a good cry,  I write a blog post.....sorry I really needed to get the angry out today....and that's all I'm doing just getting the anger out......and life goes on.  I have a lot of things I do for myself, I have a lot of ways I try and keep myself balanced, because Todd is always going to be there pushing my buttons, and as his disease progresses, it's only going to get worse.  I have to remind myself that this is why I started my blog, to keep track of all of this, to have a way to vent, to keep track of what I'm doing to keep myself sane, and to remind myself that despite everything I'm still doing ok.