Back in August, after my last post, I walked away from my blog. I honestly felt like I had nothing left to say. I was tired of talking about Todd. I'm still kind of tired of talking about him. However I do have things that I've learned about myself in the last couple of months. For about three or four days I've been trying to figure out what I've wanted to say. I'm still figuring it out as I go...don't mind my random thoughts. This may end up being a long catch up post, with some things I've learned along the way.
Todd is still slowly declining in health. He's lost close to 80 pounds. He's looking older and more frail. He's very unsteady on his feet so occasionally we use a wheelchair. His memory still isn't great. He has occasional falls. We still have occasional arguments about him wanting to drive. I still get angry at him over things that shouldn't be a big deal, but end up being a big deal. I know...I need to pick my battles...but having someone who knows how to push all the right buttons, that stir up memories that I wish would go away, makes it incredibly hard to walk away, without blowing up. It is a challenge being the only one taking care of him. His family has not seen him in months. In fact I think they are mad at him right now....for what? I have no idea. It could be as simple as him not returning phone calls or texts. These people are never going to get it....ever. So, I have no one who can help me. And it's not that I really need help, it's just that the every day "stuff" can sometimes be insanely frustrating. I'm just worn out. I'm working a later shift at work, getting home closer to when the sun comes up. It's hard, and it's exhausting. I'm averaging maybe 5 hours of sleep at night and usually skip an entire nights sleep each week, just so on my nights off I can be tired enough to go to bed at a decent time. It's life, I can handle it, but admittedly some days I don't handle it very well. I'm doing the best I can, and really considering everything, I'm doing pretty damn good.
Over the past few months I've had a lot of new people come into my life. It's been nice...refreshing. I've always shied away from meeting new people. I'm getting better about letting more people into my life that are positive influences. Let's face it, I need all the "positive" I can get. I've also learned how far I still need to go on my journey. I thought I was good...balanced...forgiving. The past was in the past. Not so much. The one thing I've learned for sure, I won't be able to forgive Todd completely until he's gone. There are too many memories that run through my mind, that still hurt. I have triggers, when he says or does certain things...and I get angry...and I throw memories back at him trying to hurt him. I'm still damaged... I actually really hate that word. I've definitely come a long way, and I am definitely on a different...better path on my journey than I was at the start. But, talking to people who are close to me, I have found there are things I never realized affected me that affect me in a big way. Just an example.... Alcohol. I have a hard time with people who drink. One drink... 20 drinks. To me it's all the same. It all has the same end result. You hurt the people who are close to you, you get sick....and you die. Watching people who are drunk makes me ill. I watched Todd go from not drinking when we got married....to one beer a night...to 6...to 12...to 18 and sometimes 24 and then eventually adding a bottle of Rum that would last maybe two or three nights. Watching people who are close to me drink, scares me. I don't know how else to describe it. The difference...and what I need to learn and work on, is that not everyone has an addictive personality like Todd. Everything with him was/ is in excess...obsessive. Just because someone drinks....and I know this...but, I need to make my brain understand it, doesn't make someone an alcoholic. It took someone very close to me, and is thankfully very patient with me to make me look at this and other things I have a hard time with in different ways. It's hard...and it takes a lot of work, and I'm trying. It's hard because I don't know what is normal. My marriage....if you can even call it a marriage anymore...I kind of don't...is extremely dysfunctional. I'm hoping one day I can have a "normal" healthy relationship with someone. I'm not sure how to do that yet, and it scares me. I second guess so many things. I have a lot of "What ifs" in my head. My biggest....What if I completely screw up a good thing because I question too much? Yes...it's possible. The good news is I'm learning and I'm healing. Having people in my life who are unbelievably patient and let me know when I need to step back and look again at something a little differently, and having the ability to do that has been an amazing experience, and a huge step forward for me. Do I consider myself a victim of abuse? I've thought about this a lot lately. I was never physically abused. The closest I ever came to that was one night before he quit drinking. He was incredibly drunk and I was beyond tired and I said something that set him off....he threw a lot of things around our bedroom before getting in my face looking at me with a look of pure hatred that I had never seen before, with his hand in a fist. I stood there motionless, looking into his eyes, holding my breath for what felt like forever, it was maybe 30 seconds before he turned and walked away and passed out shortly after. Hands down worst night of my life. He remembered none of it the next morning....wondering why the tv remote was broken, why it looked like I had been crying all night....probably because I had been crying all night. I think that was the moment that made him realize he needed to quit. And when I look back....it was the moment that if I'm being truthful with myself, I realized I was done with him. That was almost 7 years ago, and for too many years after, I was still too afraid to leave. Now I just feel sorry for him, I'm absolutely not afraid of him anymore and I feel like maybe I just have something to prove to myself....maybe that sounds stupid...I don't know. Victim of abuse? I personally choose not to label myself in that way. I put up with a lot. Mental, emotional and verbal abuse? Yes. Not constant every day, but it was definitely a part of our marriage. I used to argue with him when he was drunk. It took me a few years to just keep my mouth shut and give in. You want me to make breakfast (eggs, hash browns, sausage...you know the works) for you at 3am after I get home from work, even though I'm dead tired and need to get up with little kids in a few hours? Fine.... Resentment....resentment...resentment. You want to point out women to me and tell me you want me to look like them....sure I'll laugh it off...as I swear at you in my head, and feel worse and worse about myself. More resentment. I could go on, but I won't. I have plenty of stories that he denies and now says he never would have done. Sure....ok....whatever. He doesn't remember. This being the reason I need to forgive him, and let it all go....and why right now I can't, not completely anyway. There are still too many triggers in my face, everyday. Sometimes I walk away, sometimes I can't and I explode, because dammit he needs to remember it so it can hurt him as much as it hurt me. That's never going to happen and it's not the right way to go about any of this. I know it's wrong to throw it in his face. I know it's wrong for me to want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I would be a better person if I could just let it all go. Sometimes it's just not that easy....period. However, I am trying.
Earlier this week, I scored a huge win for my 10yr old at school. Like...I totally kicked ass. Starting in first grade we determined he needed to be in a resource class to help him in areas he needed help with. He has a very low level of comprehension. He has never been diagnosed with anything. The school keeps wanting to label him with ADD. It has been a frustrating few years of me trying to get his teachers, speech therapists, school psychologists, principals....to listen to me. I almost always walk out of the meetings we have...one at the beginning of the year to review and make changes to his IEP and one at the end to wrap up the year and see how far he has progressed.... feeling like the worst mom in the world. Discouraged and frustrated. At the end of last year, I tried to get them to hear me. Questioning why in the world we would send him to the 4th grade when he was barely at 3rd grade level in one area...and only on a 2nd or 1st grade level in other areas. I was basically accused of babying him. I needed to let him do more on his own. If maybe we just tried medication for his ADD he could focus better and learn faster. I walked out of that meeting so angry, and sat in my car crying feeling like the biggest failure of a mom. Am I crazy? How do they not see what I see? How can they not see that there is so much more going on with him? This year he was due to have all of his testing done again. I was hopeful that we would see different results. I walked into the meeting with different people than the previous year, with the exception of 2 individuals, feeling hopeful, partially due to the fact that I had talked to his teacher a month earlier. When I walked into his room on that day, he looked at me and he said, "I get it...I get what you were explaining to me at the beginning of the school year." I always go in before the year starts and try to "prep" the new teachers on what they should expect. He told me he was a little skeptical and wanted to see things for himself, and then basically said, you're right, he really doesn't understand why he is here or what he supposed to be doing. He just kind of goes through the motions and does what everyone else is doing. And I looked at him and said "Thank you....you are the first teacher to understand what I'm talking about." So....back to the meeting. The school psychologist started with the results of the testing. His IQ test shows he is well below average. However....he starts explaining, he believes this is due to the fact he had a hard time paying attention...so his ADD probably affected the score. At that point, I can't even imagine what the look on my face was, I'm pretty sure I was looking at him like he was completely nuts, and I let him finish what he was saying, and then I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you, and I'm not leaving this room another time with a diagnosis of ADD." So we went around the room everyone giving their thoughts for close to 2 hours. I finally said this... "I get why you want to label him with ADD, he does to some extent have a problem with paying attention. But, let's look at this from a different angle. If you were in a room listening to a lecture, and had absolutely no clue what the person lecturing was saying or understanding what he was talking about, would you pay attention? Or...would you start drawing in your notebook or staring out of the window or doing whatever else until you heard something that you understood and brought your attention back?" Ahhhhh that makes sense. If he can't understand what the teacher is telling him....and there are many times I need to find different ways to explain things to him....then how do you expect him to pay attention? So the school psychologist looked at me and said, "So you think these scores are accurate?" And I looked at him and said, "Absolutely." From there we formed a new education plan for him. He will be in a more integrated classroom where more focus can be put on what he needs help with. I left that meeting wanting to throw my hands up in the air and scream "YEEEESSS!!!" Finally....finally they listened, and I was able to leave a meeting feeling semi intelligent and happy. Such a relief, that he will soon get the help he needs instead of getting pushed from one grade to the next, and getting lost in the system.
It's been an interesting few months. A lot of learning...always learning, understanding, growing, moving forward, even though in some ways it feels like I took a few leaps back. It's ok because now I know more of what I need to work on, and I'm doing just that. There's always going to be frustrations. If you've ever had to take care of someone with this disease, then you know it comes with the territory. The important thing for me to know, is that I'm sure that one day I will be at a place where I feel like I'm completely ok, and that is what keeps me going. I'm moving forward and I'm trying to work on things and really that's the most important thing.
