A Little Bump in the Road

The one thing I'm slowly learning about my life, is that I should never become too comfortable. Inevitably when I do life decides to flip me upside down, slap me around a little and dump me on my ass.  I don't know why my life is like this.  I wish I could say I had a perfect loving marriage to a man that takes care of me.  My siblings don't realize just how jealous I am of them.  I don't write about it for attention because I could really care less what people think of me.  I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.  I write because for me to stay sane I need to get this all out of my head.  And as weird as this sounds, for me to truly find myself...I needed to go on this journey.  Although I can't say for sure, I probably would have had challenges, trials no matter who I was married to. Even though I don't know for sure what my purpose is here, I'm sure I'm on the right road. 

I knew it was a possibility that Todd could be taken off of Hospice.  He isn't going to get better, but he has plateaued, he isn't getting any worse.  His blood work is just above where it needs to be to continue.  Last week when it went from possibility to reality I had a little breakdown.  I crumbled...I couldn't think, my world stopped for a moment.  I sat and cried.  Because all that was going through my head at that moment was...How am I going to do this?  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to hear that things were going to be OK.  I didn't want to hear I would be fine.  Because at that moment NOTHING was OK and I was NOT going to be fine.  So I went for a drive (if you haven't noticed I do this a lot).  However this was not one of those times I worked it all out in a couple of hours and felt better.  I just needed to get away from my house, from everyone.  For two days I cried, I slept like crap and I worried about what I do now.  Everything is so up in the air.  There is no time frame.  I don't know how long he will be off of Hospice.  I need to find a job, because we will have to start doctors appointments again.  And my biggest worry....dealing with Todd.  I'm losing my back up....when I have the arguments about him driving (which happen everyday), I will have no one to turn to, to say please help me out here. He is already making his plans to fix his van so he can drive again, because, "I AM driving again."  Heaven help me.  I apologize to any one in my neighborhood who is going to hear the arguing in advance.  I don't know how I get a full time job without...A. leaving Todd alone for too many hours (as I walked in the kitchen this morning after he made himself pancakes and he was busy eating in the bedroom, only to find the stove and oven still on).  and B. Putting more responsibility on my kids than they deserve right now.  It's hard enough for me to take care of Todd, I don't want to put that on them. 

You're expecting me to say now that I figured all of this out.  Well no... I haven't.  This is what I learned about myself this last week.  The more I go through, the stronger I become.  There are times I would love to curl up in a ball and disappear.  I would love to say I prefer to be weak right now, because I don't want to deal with all this shit.  I don't get that choice. Years ago if something like this were to happen it would probably have thrown me into a funk for months maybe years.  Now after a couple of days (I know this kind of sounds silly), my inner strength kicks in.  My brain...body...soul....says get up off of your ass and do something.  I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do know I will figure something out.  We have hit a bump...OK it's not so little it's more of an average to large size bump, but still possible to get over...and we will.

Saturday Morning....

I don't know about everyone else in the world, but Saturday is usually clean the house day...at least in the morning.  I don't get too picky about this because really my house is lived in and it will NEVER be completely clean.  Every once in a while I get that cleaning bug where I get motivated to clean EVERYTHING....and by the time I finish with one room....I've gotten over my bug.  My walls will never look perfect because I have a son who writes and draws on all of them. He is getting a little better about it, but every once in a while I see a new word or smiley face somewhere.  I don't get upset about it...and sometimes I laugh.  Three words at the top of my stairs in pink permanent marker.... Wii...Leapster...Penis...Tried to remove them....can't....and I'm not painting anytime soon. Maybe he was expressing three things that were important to him that day....who knows.  We get a good laugh over it and go on with our day. (By the way anyone with ideas to remove marker from walls feel free to share).

Today has already been one of those interesting days, I got up and took my oldest son to work and on the way we actually had a real conversation.  One that didn't involve the words....please...that's so unfair....can I....you always say no... I actually feel like we made a half step forward.  When I got home and opened the front door to find my 14 year old son in a mid ninja like move with fly swatter in hand....I just laughed and walked up the stairs.  As I got upstairs I could hear my youngest son talking in his room and I peeked in and saw him chatting away with his cars using different voices and making a movie with his leapster.  When I said "good morning" to him....he jumped, looked at me, smiled and said... "Mom...don't scare me like that."   When I looked in on my daughter....still sleeping room still a mess...I let her sleep (we would have negotiations later on when she would get her Ipod back) and I decided I really needed a workout today after the brownie, cookie, reeses peanut butter cup thing that I made last night that made me sick. 

Right now as I'm writing my 14 yr old is helping his little brother clean his room (voluntarily)....and my daughter, because she really wants her Ipod back today instead of next week has agreed to finish her room, clean the kitchen, clean the living room and I told her she had to do 30 minutes on the elliptical (I threw that one in because sometimes I like being a smart ass).  There is a radio turned up because my kids, like me need music to clean....it makes it so much more tolerable....and I think I'm going to attempt to clean my closet, but I'm going to go get me a diet coke first....No I haven't given up caffeine yet, but I am feeling better with other changes I have made.  Have a great Saturday!

A Need for Change...

OK....so I'm sitting here watching Dr. Oz.  My house is quiet....the kids are all at school, Todd is sleeping.  The subject that he was just talking about was Peri menopausal rage, and as they are talking about it, I'm sitting here in my head thinking...."Oh my gosh...that is me".   I literally have times when I feel nuts. when I get angry.....seriously angry over nothing.  I know my hormones are out of whack.  I say horrible, awful things....my husband is usually the recipient of this....and then when it's over I FEEL AWFUL.  I can get mad just because someone walks in the room at the wrong time. I don't know how many women out there go through this but at least I know I'm not the only one that this happens to.  I'll give you an example....because you know I like to put myself out there.  Conversation between Todd and I last week that set me off...

Todd... "Hey, do you think you can make the bed, I'm going to come in and lay down for a while?"

Me... "Can it wait until later?  I don't really feel good, I can tell my blood pressure is high and I just want to lay here for a little while"

Todd starts making the bed around me, and I throw the covers off the bed and BOOM I blow up...

Me... "My blood pressure is high because I'm stressed out all the time and I'm going to end up having a heart attack and dying.....and YOU....even with your bad liver and diabetes....still smoke and live on junk food and your blood pressure is perfect....I don't get it!

Todd..."Gee Angie....I'm sorry I'm not dying fast enough for you.....

And then I went to my car...went for a drive and cried.  Putting aside every problem in my marriage... That...is NOT me.   We might have a lot of arguments, but I'm not normally mean. 


So...solutions.....birth control....anti depressants.....or cut out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and I didn't catch all the supplements that you could take but I did hear Omega 3.    Well there is no way in Hell that I'm starting on birth control again, anti depressants...I don't really want another pill.  I've already accepted the fact I need to change my diet...alcohol...no worries there I don't drink....sugar I have mostly (98%) cut that out over the last 3 weeks....caffeine...Ugh.... If it helps at this point I have to be willing to try.  I have 3 diet cokes left in my fridge....I have tried to give this up soooo many times in the past.  I honestly don't know if I can do it, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy.  I'm tired of anger and outbursts coming out of absolutely nowhere.   So I have my chia seeds and my flax seeds and I'm going to seriously try to give up  caffeine. Wish me luck..... And if there is anyone else out there who has experienced this and has any advice please...I'm begging for suggestions, because I'm tired of feeling....crazy.

A Little Flip in My Perspective..

I probably should avoid writing posts when I'm feeling off.  But the purpose of my blog is to 1. Be an outlet for my emotions and 2. Give an inside view to just some of my experiences, some of the things I've learned along the way....and maybe if there is even one person out there going through something similar, to help them feel like they are not alone.  

Over the course of my 40 years....I like everyone else in this world....have made mistakes.  Life is all about accepting those mistakes as lessons and learning from them. The more we dwell on past mistakes, the less we learn from them. And if we blame others for our mistakes....well we learn absolutely nothing. A very sad thing indeed.  So what do I mean by perspective...Obviously it's how we view the world...our lives....the way we do things based on our beliefs and who we are.  Up until a few years ago I was a worrier...a dweller.  My perspective of life came almost solely from how I was raised, my beliefs....and I was afraid to think outside of my little box.  I've mentioned before that I'm LDS (a Mormon).  When I was 24 I met my husband...and one month later found myself pregnant.  Mormon and living in Utah and pregnant before marriage (not saying it doesn't happen), but it's not looked upon well at all.  I felt abandoned by people who I thought I could turn to and I was completely alone.  I felt like dirt.  I felt like every person who looked at me was judging me. I was pregnant for the first time and there wasn't one moment that I was happy.   No one will ever understand my guilt and the shame that I felt.  Do I look at that time as a mistake....that's a hard one.  I'm going to say no.  Do I wish it could have been different? Yes.  I made the choice to get married, because I didn't want those "looks" anymore.  I didn't want to raise a child alone.  Fast forward through my life...through a ton of arguments...sleepless nights...frustration...fear....pain....tears...lots of tears....Lots of mistakes.  Many times I looked back and wondered why I made the choices I made.  I got mad at myself for being so stupid for being the stubborn person that I was (still am...that will never change) and not listening to the people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  Ahhh enlightening moment....

One day I woke up and the world was a different place....not really, but I started looking at it differently.  I started questioning the way I think. Why do I have to do things to please everyone?  Why do I feel guilty for not going to church when I have people around me telling me I need to be there?  I'm not saying church is bad in fact my older kids go without me (I know good mom award of the year...I don't need the lecture). Why did I have to feel like people needed to tell me what to do for me to make a decision?  Why can't I just say NO and be ok about it?  So I stopped being a worrier. I stopped worrying about what people thought about me (which is why I can even have this blog No way I could have done this a few years ago).  If you don't like me, No big deal.  The only people that matter, in terms of what they think about me, are the people that care about me.  I have more of an attitude now.....deal with it.  I express my feelings now....get used to it.  I have good days and bad days.  I can be a pillar of strength, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect I have pieces of that pillar that have broken off and I have plenty of cracks from top to bottom. 

One very important lesson I have learned is I should never say I can't take anymore (yes I'm aware I still do this), because undoubtedly there is somebody upstairs saying, "Oh you poor dear....I'm sorry but you ain't seen nothin' yet."  I've learned to widen my perspective.  It's not contained in a box anymore.  I have a friend of mine who I've talked to a lot about this....and she always asks, when faced with a decision/situation.  "What's the worst thing that can happen?"   For some people thinking the same way their whole lives is fine, it works for them.  One way of thinking....doing things if it works for you....great.  I kind of like being able to look at things from different angles.  I like looking at things from somebody else's point of view, and at the end of the day have my own opinion.  I have to thank my friend for this because these are her words, "Sometimes you have to take your perspective and flip it."

And because I had a few people worried about me the other day...I just have to make clear.  That as long as I can get in a car turn the radio up obnoxiously loud to drown out my anger and slowly turn it down as I drive until I can turn it off and think clearly again....then I'm ok.  It also is huge when I have those people in my life who really...truly care...who will just listen for a little while and let me vent. To those of you who have done that....Thank you and you know I would do the same for you.

In a Nutshell...

I admit it, I've cracked...gone nuts....I've simply had enough.  I can't find balance.  Pretending to be happy..OK...when I know people really don't want to hear everyday that I have a bad day doesn't always work. Because no one really knows what to say.  I honestly don't know if I would know what to say either.  Should I go to therapy...probably...but I'm not spending money I don't have to talk to somebody who at the end of the day, really doesn't care.  

For a few weeks now the lava in my personal volcano has been building.  My son, who I love with all my heart, is going to drive me insane.  The other day I went to lunch with my mom and sisters and I got a text from him saying. "Mom...you need to call dad and wake him up he's been falling asleep in the garage for hours."  I'm sorry....was it too hard for him to get off the couch and walk a few feet?!  Later when I picked him up from work and he said, "So, did dad survive today?"   I lost it....I blew... When I informed him that if he expected me to continue driving him to and from work he was going to start giving me gas money, he told me I should be doing it out of the kindness of my own heart because I'm his mom.  Deep Breathe.....  A couple of days later when I decided to take a drive by myself to clear my head he got mad because I wasn't home to drive him up the road to a place maybe 5 miles away.  A place he could have, and has in the past ridden his bike to.  He was pissed....and I turned my phone off.  I apparently have done a huge disservice to my almost 18 year old son who seems to think the world needs to stop when he wants it to. Between him and my husband I have been pushed so far past my limits and I've been functioning at such a high level of frustration that I feel like I just want to give up.

My husband...the fact that he doesn't even get when he's being selfish....kills me.  Truth...I don't ask for birthday presents for a reason, because  I know we don't have the extra money to spend.  So on my birthday my husband bought me a card and a bag of granola....and he bought HIMSELF a couple of new shirts and a few things he thought he needed.  Wow... OK... HUGE TMI...if you don't want to know this much about me close your eyes...read no further at least the next couple of lines.  Here's MY selfish side.  I happen to like sex. (Sorry this is part of my reality and I'm sure I'm not alone).  I know there's a lot of women who could care less when it comes to this.  I'm not one of those women...it's been a very long time (years before he was in the hospital) and I really...really miss it.  Imagine laying next to your significant other night after night, for days, weeks, months years.  Feeling like there is a wall between you. No intimacy...no physical contact....nothing except maybe an occasional kiss good night.  The silent 'what's wrong with me' tears only happen for the first few months and then resentment year after lonely year, until we've gotten to a place where it is too late to ever go back.  Love cannot survive when we are selfish, when we don't recognize each others needs.  My husband and I are too different.  We don't fit together.

So I've finally hit my limit, I feel like I just want to disappear.  Depression has finally caught up with  me and I'm too tired to care anymore.   Yes if you see me, I'm still going to have a smile on my face, I'm still going to tell you everything is fine.  Why?  Because that's just who I am.  Life still happens.  I still have moments in between the tears that make me happy.  Life as it always does will still go on.  And because I've shown enough "crazy" for a while, I think my blog is going to go on hold....for now anyway...

Happy Birthday to Me :o)

Today is the day.  Yep it's my birthday.....40 yrs young.  You now have permission to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I feel the same as I did yesterday and the day before that.  I look in the mirror and other than the strands of grey hairs that I have I don't think I look that old.  I'm really not sure what 40 is supposed to look like.  It's more weird to think about. It doesn't upset me, or  make me feel old.  How am I celebrating?  Well on Saturday my husband and I went to dinner and a movie.  Now I'm not a huge movie watcher.  But my husband really wanted to go to one (even though I didn't....he doesn't listen very well....just some of our issues, deal with it and move on, I'm pretty used to this).  It was however a night out without kids....and it was good, it was nice.  We've been married for 14 1/2yrs, but we've never "dated" much....so it's always a little quiet...awkward..I don't have the right word for it.  Today I've just relaxed.  The kids have cleaned the house....I allowed my son to drive his dad to the store to get whatever supplies are needed for dinner and cake.  Right now, they are on their second trip....that's what happens when you leave going to the store to boys ;o).  I made sure my daughter accompanied them the second time.  When they asked me what I wanted for dinner.  My answer....whatever you want to make me....if you want to buy pizzas I'm totally ok with it.  Let's be honest as long as they clean it up...it really doesn't matter.  I've been spoiled by friends....and I asked earlier on FB for people to tell me how we met.   And if you know me and have any memories at all that you want to share about our friendship...I would love to hear them.  All in all it's been a good day.... Happy Birthday to me... Now I'm going to cuddle up with my little guy and watch some more of the Olympics and let everyone else do all the work.

Serenity Now....

OK I admit it, sometimes I can be a little bit difficult, complicated, ornery....I'm sure there's a lot of adjectives that would fit.  That is, as much as I like to think I'm a patient, understanding....go with the flow....don't let too many things get to me kind of person, sometimes....when everything happens at once and the planets align just right, I turn into a crazy...lunatic...wench.  This week...well....life happened like it always does, but... the planets aligned just right.  And today when I went out to my backyard and I couldn't open the gate to get to the front yard, because it was locked.....Who locks their gates? I mean really, all that's back there is my garden. You want tomatoes?  Go ahead take a few.  It was my last straw for the week. So when I stormed in the house and questioned my husband, who said it was to keep the dog in the yard.  OH that explains it, I didn't realize the dog learned how to open the gate. And I said something stupid like I don't care if the dog runs away....and he said Why don't you run away...... I did. Like I can really go anywhere and do anything with absolutely no money. But I did take a long drive.

What it comes down to is that I am with my husband 24 hours a day 7 days a week...and I'm sorry but this could strain the greatest  of marriages.  We were barely hanging on to begin with.  Yes we are dealing with an awful situation where I need to be here.  My husband needs the help and my kids need me to be mom.  It is a strain mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.  Most days I don't know how I do all this....some days I don't want to and wish I didn't have to.  I'm not going to lie and say that my husband getting sick and having this horrible disease that is slowing killing him has made us closer.   We have resolved things.  I love him because he is the father of our children. That's not going to change, he is an important part of my life.  But we still have the same issues now that we have always had.  And I still get angry with him and we still have arguments.   Mentally I can deal with all of this as long as I can get away by myself for a little bit so I can get over it.  But my body is not dealing....this last week has been so stressful that my blood pressure has been way too high and I've been having some chest pains.  Scary?  Uh....yea.   I've already changed my diet, but I need something to relax more.   I decided on my drive today that once school starts I'm going to look for a part time job.  I think Todd will be fine If I work a few hours a week.  I don't even care what it is...I just need to get away from what I'm dealing with even for a short time. 

One of the hard parts about being a caregiver, is taking care of yourself.  I know it's important to find time for myself, it's not as easy as it sounds, and I've struggled for the last 9 months to find any kind of balance.  Because of this last week it's a necessity.  I need to find time for myself....I need to find some balance.. and I understand now how very important that is.