Yesterday I had a doctors appointment. My blood pressure is where it needs to be and I've lost almost 30 pounds. I'm really quite proud of myself. He (my doctor) asked me what I've been doing differently. My answer, I've changed my eating habits and I'm exercising. After coming home and thinking about it, I realized that's not it, I mean it definitely is part of the reason, but not the whole reason. For the last five years I have battled with stress....stress...and more stress, a husband who is losing his fight with Cirrhosis, heartache, and heart break like I've never felt before, and on top of that add growing up being painfully shy, a horrible self esteem and even worse body image, and a not so great marriage. It is no wonder that I've battled with weight my entire life, my issues quite literally weigh me down. Sure I could lose weight in the past, quickly, easily and I would gain it back even faster. Why? I only dealt with what I saw on the outside, I never addressed what was really hurting me inside. I still carried all the pain with me that I've carried and added to over the years. I've tried to figure out why I had such a poor self esteem. I always wanted to hide myself, never called attention to myself. I didn't want people noticing me for fear that I would be made fun of. Why? I don't know. I don't remember really being made fun of. Maybe it's something I've completely blocked out of my memory. I was always incredibly self conscious. I really wish I knew why. These issues I left behind a few years ago. Even though I'm heavier than I would like to be, I still think I look pretty good. I'm beautiful (We should all be able to say that about ourselves). I can look in a mirror and not cringe. I do still have issues with getting my picture taken....but I truly think cameras hate me. I can look in the mirror think I look great, get my picture taken 5 minutes later and I usually look at the picture and think..... What the Hell happened in the last 5 minutes? I guess I don't see in pictures what I see in the mirror. It's not an issue that weighs me down, I just happen to hate cameras. The poor self esteem, being self conscious, and being overly shy, are gone. They really are. I don't worry about those things anymore, because I don't know why they were issues with me to begin with, therefore there is no reason for me to hold on to them. The other things....well those are big and deep and painful. Things I had to make myself face, because holding on to them continued to weigh me down. Getting to my heaviest weight ever... and that includes pregnancy weight, made me depressed. I couldn't believe I let myself get to that point. I tried dieting, I tried exercising. I blamed it on being older when nothing was happening, and I stopped because I got so discouraged. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I talk to myself a lot. (I actually think I've already admitted this in past posts). Not out loud so much, but in my head. I do a lot of thinking. I really just sit and talk things through as if I was sitting and talking to a therapist. Maybe that makes me crazy....I don't know it works for me, so I'll stick with it. In the past year I've done a lot of soul searching. Figuring out who I am, why I do the things I do, what kind of person I want to be. Hardest journey ever, I'm still on it. Part of that journey is dealing with all the issues that are painful and yucky (for lack of a better word). Because really, how do I expect to be healthy in my mind, body and soul if I don't work through the "bad" stuff? What a difference it has made. No, my life is not perfect. Yes I still deal with issues. I've learned to face them instead of pushing them deep down to a place where they can continue to hurt me. Stress is always going to be a part of my life....it just is. Saying I'll wait until my life is less stressful to try and lose weight....that's just silly. I've learned to just deal with the stress. Ok sometimes things happen that are overwhelmingly hard, that stop me in my tracks, that throw me off for a short period of time. I let it stop me for a moment....and that is all....a moment....and I continue on. I'm not in any way saying it's that easy for everyone....it's not even that easy for me. This is hard....really.....really hard. I'm able to do it without therapy and medications. It's different for everyone. I just happen to have a weird way of being able to work things through in my head. We all have issues....everyone, whether we admit to them or not. Remember that the next time you hear someone making fun of someone else. We don't always know the deep, personal, hard battles that everyone fights. I know that being more aware of my own issues helps me to understand why I need to be more thoughtful about the things I say and do. Life is a journey, we make mistakes, we hurt people, we get hurt, we learn, we grow, we heal, and we work to make ourselves better people in the process.
And because I want to.....I'm suggesting you go listen to my feel good song today. Corrine Bailey Rae..... "Put Your Records On". I dare you to listen to this song and not move to the music. :o) (For my friends on FB I posted it yesterday)
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Letting the Anger Go....And Letting My Heart Feel Again
Every few months Todd has to have an EGD (Esophagogastroduodenoscopy)....a procedure to examine his esophagus to see if he has any varices, which can be life threatening. Today was that day for him. We were up early for a 7am time that he needed to be there, me being a little short tempered as always because no matter what I do I can't seem to get him out of the door when we need to. As we were sitting in the waiting room for them to call him back, a cute little old couple came in, probably about in their 80's. They sat down near us, next to each other, holding hands. I could see out of the corner of my eye the man was watching Todd and I....we were sitting across from each other, not really talking while I filled out all of the paperwork that comes with being at these appointments. In a whisper loud enough for his wife to hear (and me who happened to overhear) the man said, "Mary?" She said, "Hmm" Then he said, "You are a wonderful wife......and you are my very best friend." Now for reasons I'm not sharing with the class, my emotions have been right on the surface for the last few days, so cue the tears, and me not being able to control them as they ran down my cheeks. Then Todd noticing....and just looking at me suddenly concerned and worried asking me what was wrong. All I could do was shake my head and say, "nothing". Then me frantically trying to stop the tears....because Hello....I'm sitting in the middle of a waiting room, and I'm starting to feel really stupid for having this reaction. A couple of days ago Todd had to have an Ultrasound on his legs. As we were walking, being escorted by a nice little old lady showing us where to go, I was holding on to Todd's arm. He was a little unsteady on his feet and his legs were hurting. The woman walking with us turned to me when we stopped so Todd could use the drinking fountain, and said, "He's very lucky to have you." And me being the smart alec that I am said, "I don't know, I'm sure most days he would disagree." and she said, "Oh....I don't think so." I just smiled, because truthfully I'm not always that great, and looking back I should have been pushing him in a wheelchair, if only I would have known how far it was to walk.
For so long I was fighting with my feelings....my anger. I could see the changes that were happening in him and quite frankly I was so angry I didn't care. After all, it is his fault that he got sick....his alcoholism made him sick. My heart was hardened, I didn't want to feel anything. Because feeling meant I cared....and I didn't want to care. Why should I care about someone who I felt ignored me for a big chunk of our marriage? Someone who wasn't there for me when I really needed him, but now expects me to be there for him when he needs me. There are a lot of people in this world that would have walked away a long time ago. I mean really I put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Todd isn't the same man now that I married, and I'm not the same person he married. Personality wise...yes. But we've both grown and found ourselves and changed. Todd still has his sense of humor, and is still quick with a come back. But he's older....in his body and mind. He has a hard time remembering things. A couple of days ago he texted me and asked where the heck I was. It was 8:00 at night.....I was at work. He had just woken up from a 4 hour nap and thought it was morning....totally confused and thrown for a little bit. He sleeps so much now, his body is so worn out. This disease is slowly....painfully taking away his life, and all his doctor can do right now is try to slow down the progression of it, while trying to keep him encouraged. I'm still angry about this disease, it's really hard not to be. However, I'm letting my heart feel again. I hold his hand when he needs his hand held. I sit with him when I know he's feeling scared and alone. And I cry when I over hear conversations like today, because I know I'm Todd's best friend, and I haven't been a very good one. It's time to let the anger go, it's time to let my heart feel all the things I've been avoiding. It's time that I stop feeling sorry for myself and start helping Todd through this. It's time to start caring again.
For so long I was fighting with my feelings....my anger. I could see the changes that were happening in him and quite frankly I was so angry I didn't care. After all, it is his fault that he got sick....his alcoholism made him sick. My heart was hardened, I didn't want to feel anything. Because feeling meant I cared....and I didn't want to care. Why should I care about someone who I felt ignored me for a big chunk of our marriage? Someone who wasn't there for me when I really needed him, but now expects me to be there for him when he needs me. There are a lot of people in this world that would have walked away a long time ago. I mean really I put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Todd isn't the same man now that I married, and I'm not the same person he married. Personality wise...yes. But we've both grown and found ourselves and changed. Todd still has his sense of humor, and is still quick with a come back. But he's older....in his body and mind. He has a hard time remembering things. A couple of days ago he texted me and asked where the heck I was. It was 8:00 at night.....I was at work. He had just woken up from a 4 hour nap and thought it was morning....totally confused and thrown for a little bit. He sleeps so much now, his body is so worn out. This disease is slowly....painfully taking away his life, and all his doctor can do right now is try to slow down the progression of it, while trying to keep him encouraged. I'm still angry about this disease, it's really hard not to be. However, I'm letting my heart feel again. I hold his hand when he needs his hand held. I sit with him when I know he's feeling scared and alone. And I cry when I over hear conversations like today, because I know I'm Todd's best friend, and I haven't been a very good one. It's time to let the anger go, it's time to let my heart feel all the things I've been avoiding. It's time that I stop feeling sorry for myself and start helping Todd through this. It's time to start caring again.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I Like Sticking to a Routine
I'm a have a routine and stick to it kind of gal....that is until I get tired of it and switch to something else and start all over again. I'm not a huge fan of change, but I don't like things to stay the same forever either. I can eat the same thing for breakfast everyday for weeks, maybe even months. When my children were babies I had them sleeping through the night by the time they were 2 months old. (I've mentioned I don't do well when I'm exhausted). I had a routine....a schedule for them and I stuck to it. I was blessed with very good babies. As they got older they had their naps and meals and went to bed every night at the same time.....I didn't have much of a life back then. I had rules and schedules and I was pretty strict about keeping to them. And then they got older and I got older and all that flew out the window. I still have schedules that we stick to, but it mainly consists of chores being done. One of my own routines is having a workout schedule. I like to workout at the same time everyday... I get up, I workout, I eat breakfast, and I get on with my day....whatever the day brings. Six days a week this is how my days went. I have a really hard time with things getting planned during my morning routine...appointments....school stuff....whatever. It's kind of like riding a bike and having someone put a stick in my wheel. It throws me off. Not sure why, but it really irritates me. Most evenings I look forward to that morning workout and if I can't do it I feel.....blah. When I started working nights.....man, it threw me completely off balance. But, I started my workouts and stuck to them 6 days a week a couple months in advance because I knew going back to work would do that. I'm still trying to find my balance. I've dropped from working out 6 days a week to 3 - 4 days. Mixing in even more appointments for Todd is a challenge, but I refuse to give up. So far I've lost 25 pounds and I feel good. The hardest part of all this is realizing that even if I can only workout 3 days a week it's still better than nothing. Breaking from my routine that I had for so long is REALLY hard for me, it shouldn't be, but it is. Figuring out when to eat now....even harder. Shifting my schedule and being at work until 3am means I don't have very much time in my day to do things anymore, unless I sleep a lot less. Me sleeping less means I get cranky....and me being cranky means I'm not fun to be around..... I like being fun.....I like sleep. Not having a good routine right now is so incredibly frustrating, however, I'm not willing to lose sight of the goals that I set. If I want something bad enough, I will find a way to get it done....even if it means not being able to have a set schedule. I figure if I can get over this hurdle.....well honestly it will be a really big one for me. Maybe it seems silly and wouldn't be a big deal for someone else, but for me it is.
Friday, June 7, 2013
I Admit it......I Don't Know How to Deal With all This
It's 10:30am on Friday, I've just finished my workout after getting kids off to their last day of school, and I'm getting ready to eat breakfast. I hear a knock on the wall, so I walk down to the garage. Todd is struggling to get out of his chair, I notice a large cigarette burn in his shirt that wasn't there yesterday. He's been up since about 7:30 Thursday morning. When I say up I mean he's pushed himself so far passed the point of exhaustion that he has very little concept of time or how much has gone by, and he falls asleep where ever he sits down. This is just a part of what happens with this awful disease. I knew he came in the bedroom to get something at about 5am this morning and I begged him to lay down. Sleepily he said, "I'll be back in a little bit," and left the room and shut the door. When I got up a couple of hours later I found milk spilled all over the kitchen table. I'm assuming he fell asleep while eating a bowl of cereal......I know he did. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I got him upstairs, he is in a ton of pain because his feet have been down more than up. The wounds on his legs are hurting and his legs are swelling from the fluid building up. I get the bed ready for him to lay down, and he tries to convince me he needs to eat. I argue with him for a few minutes because he just ate not that long ago and he NEEDS to rest . Finally I make him a deal. "I'll tell you what, you lay down, if you're not asleep in the next 20 minutes then I'll fix you something to eat." At this moment I can hear him snacking on granola bars, and I'm praying he falls asleep. If not he's going to eat which will take a good hour....smoke....and probably not get in bed for a couple more hours. He goes through these phases at least once a week sometimes twice. I used to sit up with him begging and pleading and crying and trying to desperately get him to go to bed. My temper always got the best of me, I got angry...really angry, and I said awful....really awful things to him during these times. I do not do well when I'm exhausted. It all started driving me crazy. I always tolerated his family, but when these behaviors started, I started to HATE his family, for everything. I hate them for not being here for their own flesh and blood, I hate them for making me take care of everything and offering little to no support. I hate them for blaming me for everything going on in my marriage. I refuse to even speak to most of his family...except for one of his sisters, and even she only checks in with him once in a while, and gets irritated if he doesn't return her calls or texts. Half the time he doesn't even notice he's gotten one. And even though I love Todd, I hate HIM for putting our family through this. I have a hard time when people say who cares if I drink excessively, smoke, party, live for today ...or whatever because it's my body and I just want to live my life and be happy. That's all fine and dandy, but when all this catches up to you and heaven forbid (because I wouldn't wish these illnesses on anyone) you get sick. Who the Hell do you think is going to take care of you? The people who watched you and begged you to stop that's who, and now have to watch you die because of it, and sacrifice their lives in the process, because we didn't want to willingly destroy our own lives, but are the only ones who are here to care for you. I think it's selfish. Who am I to judge though right? I definitely have my own faults. We are not perfect. But when you have to deal with something like this first hand, you go through a range of emotions, and anger is right up there at the top.
It's 11:45am. I haven't heard anything in the bedroom for awhile so I just walked down the hall to peek in on him....sleeping like a baby. I was successful this time, it isn't always like that. I'm hoping he sleeps until I leave for work tonight. I don't stay up with him anymore, I can't. I can't take care of him the way he needs me to, if I'm so exhausted I can't function. Instead I get into bed some nights knowing he's going to fall asleep somewhere else and I pray that nothing happens. I don't know what else to do. Some days are just hard, some days I want to get in my car and drive as far as I can, and some days can be so overwhelming that I have a hard time figuring out how to deal with it all, and for a time I shut down. I'm not sure the best way to deal with all this. Each day is a little different, many days I don't worry at all.....and many days that's all I do. The only thing that is certain, is up to this point we've made it through all the hard days.....and my plan is to continue doing so however I manage to deal with it.
It's 11:45am. I haven't heard anything in the bedroom for awhile so I just walked down the hall to peek in on him....sleeping like a baby. I was successful this time, it isn't always like that. I'm hoping he sleeps until I leave for work tonight. I don't stay up with him anymore, I can't. I can't take care of him the way he needs me to, if I'm so exhausted I can't function. Instead I get into bed some nights knowing he's going to fall asleep somewhere else and I pray that nothing happens. I don't know what else to do. Some days are just hard, some days I want to get in my car and drive as far as I can, and some days can be so overwhelming that I have a hard time figuring out how to deal with it all, and for a time I shut down. I'm not sure the best way to deal with all this. Each day is a little different, many days I don't worry at all.....and many days that's all I do. The only thing that is certain, is up to this point we've made it through all the hard days.....and my plan is to continue doing so however I manage to deal with it.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Complete Opposites
The last year and a half my patience level has been at an all time low. I always considered myself a fairly patient person.....and then I got married....and had children....and my patience was cut about in half. The last year and a half I have been pushed beyond my limits and then some. I think most of it is I'm just mentally tired of everything. I could really use a vacation.....by myself....which won't happen anytime soon.....but I can dream. Going back to work is proving to be a rough transition, I never expected it to be easy. Cirrhosis is a nasty disease. When your liver doesn't function as it should you get ammonia that builds up, this goes to your brain. Dangerous yes, it can kill you. It can be somewhat controlled by medication, if you remember to take it. It makes it so you have a hard time remembering things. It makes you a little confused. It makes you shaky and unbalanced. All the time....no. Inconvenient times, like when your spouse gets home from work in the wee hours of the morning and she wants to sleep, but can't because the lights are on and the tv is on and you think you need to eat because you're starving at 3am, followed by smoking, falling asleep in the garage for a period of time and then thinking you need to eat again......repeat a few times....not actually getting into bed for 24 hours straight or longer. Which then means fluid starts building up in your legs and you end up in a ton of pain. These are the hard.....really, really hard days. These are the days I usually start spouting off about stupid crap because I'm tired. Like....."I asked you to check my tires. Seriously I don't get how you can go walk around a store for hours, but you can't pull a stupid hose out of the garage and check my tires for me?!" "What if I get in an accident on my way home from work in the middle of the night because my tires are low?" Ummm yea.....like I've never checked my own tires and put air in them before. In my head I was even telling myself to shut up. About an hour after that, he came and told me he checked my tires....they were absolutely fine (like he had tried to tell me)....and I felt like an Ass.
Todd and I are complete opposites, and one of my tired tirades recently I lost it with him. No clue what started it. Opposites attract.... that saying is so overused. They only attract until you realize you can't stand doing anything that the person you're attracted to likes doing. If you like them enough you learn to bend, this has to go both ways. When one person bends and the other doesn't.....it doesn't work so well. How can you be with someone for over 16 years and they have no clue who you really are or what you like or don't like? For years we did family things like....monster truck shows, and state fairs, watched wrestling, motor cross racing, car racing... stuff..... I HATE with a passion all of those things......HATE them...but I participated because we were doing things as a family and I was willing to bend. Whenever we did anything, even just the two of us, we did things he liked. Why? Because he never liked my suggestions. I love concerts, plays, musicals, dancing, basketball, nice restaurants. Most of the time you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt, I have absolutely no sense of style....and I'm totally ok with that. I absolutely hate shopping, Todd thinks it's because I don't want to spend time with him.....yea I've hated shopping my whole life. But, once in a while I would love to put on a dress and high heels and go out somewhere nice and feel like a woman. I would love to be able to go to a real salon and get my hair and nails done. I haven't been to a real salon or done any of these things since before.....before I got married. However, I'm also a home body. I couldn't do those things all the time. I like being home and just doing nothing sometimes. That's probably the one thing Todd and I have in common. I finally hit a point where I was tired of being the only one who ever compromises, and I blew up....and he sat there, never saying a word. Why now? I don't have a clue, we haven't gone out and done anything together for years, but when I'm tired it's best not to push one of my buttons, because who knows what's really going on in my head at that moment. Yes I was being an ass again....I've gotten pretty good at it, nothing to cheer about. He's happy just being with me, sitting next to me, but he's never really gotten to know me.....I don't understand how that happens. I guess we spent so much time doing everything he liked he just thought I would learn to like it too. I knew I couldn't change him....but still had it in the back of my head that I would. HA....I guess he was thinking the same way.....and it's never going to happen. Yet another lesson learned. And when I'm tired.....it's probably best to slowly back away.....turn....and run.
Todd and I are complete opposites, and one of my tired tirades recently I lost it with him. No clue what started it. Opposites attract.... that saying is so overused. They only attract until you realize you can't stand doing anything that the person you're attracted to likes doing. If you like them enough you learn to bend, this has to go both ways. When one person bends and the other doesn't.....it doesn't work so well. How can you be with someone for over 16 years and they have no clue who you really are or what you like or don't like? For years we did family things like....monster truck shows, and state fairs, watched wrestling, motor cross racing, car racing... stuff..... I HATE with a passion all of those things......HATE them...but I participated because we were doing things as a family and I was willing to bend. Whenever we did anything, even just the two of us, we did things he liked. Why? Because he never liked my suggestions. I love concerts, plays, musicals, dancing, basketball, nice restaurants. Most of the time you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt, I have absolutely no sense of style....and I'm totally ok with that. I absolutely hate shopping, Todd thinks it's because I don't want to spend time with him.....yea I've hated shopping my whole life. But, once in a while I would love to put on a dress and high heels and go out somewhere nice and feel like a woman. I would love to be able to go to a real salon and get my hair and nails done. I haven't been to a real salon or done any of these things since before.....before I got married. However, I'm also a home body. I couldn't do those things all the time. I like being home and just doing nothing sometimes. That's probably the one thing Todd and I have in common. I finally hit a point where I was tired of being the only one who ever compromises, and I blew up....and he sat there, never saying a word. Why now? I don't have a clue, we haven't gone out and done anything together for years, but when I'm tired it's best not to push one of my buttons, because who knows what's really going on in my head at that moment. Yes I was being an ass again....I've gotten pretty good at it, nothing to cheer about. He's happy just being with me, sitting next to me, but he's never really gotten to know me.....I don't understand how that happens. I guess we spent so much time doing everything he liked he just thought I would learn to like it too. I knew I couldn't change him....but still had it in the back of my head that I would. HA....I guess he was thinking the same way.....and it's never going to happen. Yet another lesson learned. And when I'm tired.....it's probably best to slowly back away.....turn....and run.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Sometimes We Have to Let Our Kids Learn Things the Hard Way...
It's that time of year again.....Graduation. The last couple of weeks walking through the grocery store it's in my face, on cakes and balloons and decorations to buy. I'm feeling a little cheated, a little....sad. I have my oldest son that should be graduating. Instead the day he turned 18 he dropped out of high school. Sure, he decided he would continue with adult education because, it would be easier to help him make up the credits he needs (and he needs over a years worth) to graduate. He almost never goes to the school, and as a parent watching the decisions he's making it's frustrating. Of course I could be "that" parent, the one that will do anything to make sure their child graduates, including doing the make up work for them. But there is no way in Hell that I would ever do that.
My oldest son, has never liked school.....never. When he was in 3rd or 4th grade I got a call from him. "Mom can you come pick me up I've got a stomach ache?" I didn't believe him. Why? This is my kid that other than a cold once in a blue moon, never gets sick I picked him up anyway, because I figured something else was going on. When we got to the car I looked at him and asked, "Do you really have a stomach ache?" He just sat there.....and I told him I would take him home but when he was ready I wanted him to come and talk to me about what was going on. About an hour later he told me they were supposed to be working on an assignment and his teacher kept asking him over and over if he needed help on it.....and it got on his nerves. I knew at that moment, school was not going to be easy with him, but I made clear I wasn't picking him up again just because the teacher got on his nerves. He waited until he got to High School and then just started ditching classes. He hates asking for help, he doesn't like people asking him if he needs help....and if he didn't want to do an assignment in class or otherwise he just never did it. He made it look like he didn't care about grades or school or learning. I never understood this. When I found out that all he needed to do in Junior High was show up to class and do assignments to get a C average my jaw dropped. Because he was failing. To fail a class here you quite literally have to do Nothing. I shook my head, my frustrations with the school system grew, as they continued to pass him from one year to the next....failing every single year. Never making him be accountable, setting him up to fail the next year because he was that much more behind. The reality.....I don't know that holding him back would have even helped. I couldn't get him to do homework, his teachers couldn't get him to any work. He just didn't care. I even have a rule in my house that if you want to get your driver's license when you turn 16 you have to have at least a C average. It was never a motivator for him. He just got his license.....on his own, this month. I've talked to him....lectured him....begged and pleaded with him to do something. Because I know he is going to have a much harder time without an education. I don't get the whole I don't care I know everything attitude.....I don't know how you just decide not to graduate from high school.
So what do I do with a kid who I just can't get a handle on, in the last few years I've barely been able to parent? Who drops out of school when I tell him how important an education is in life. A kid who I taught not to lie and steal.....and he ends up getting caught doing both. A kid who does everything opposite of what I ask or talk to him about. I'll tell you what I do. I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Look....I love you, I will always love you. but if you want to learn all this the hard way....then go for it. I'm done lecturing." I'll be completely honest, I have a hard time having conversations with him right now. I don't know why. He at least has a job and his own transportation that he got on his own. He has a lot to learn about life....and I guess when it comes down to it we all did when we were 18. In some ways he's ahead of the game, but without that all important education he's going to find himself slowly falling behind. So I sit back and see my friends who have kids graduating, and how proud they are. And I'll be honest I'm jealous. We should be celebrating. I should get to take graduation pictures and have a party.....and I can't help but be a little disappointed. However, I'm all about letting our kids make choices, and letting them deal with consequences on their own. I can't live life for my children. I can give them advice, I can tell them I'm not happy with something they are doing, I can help guide them in the right direction, but ultimately they have to learn it themselves. So you have a child that you tell not to touch the stove because they might get burned......and they touch it anyway, just because....and they get burned. Maybe they have a scar, but they won't likely do it again. As our kids grow up we give them advice....it doesn't mean they are always going to follow it. Hardest part of parenting....letting our kids make mistakes. We all have to, I'm pretty sure I still make mistakes on a daily basis. We know this is part of the learning process. It's hard to sit back and watch it happen, but if I want my children, especially my oldest right now to learn, I have to let them make mistakes and try again. We all figure it out eventually....right?
My oldest son, has never liked school.....never. When he was in 3rd or 4th grade I got a call from him. "Mom can you come pick me up I've got a stomach ache?" I didn't believe him. Why? This is my kid that other than a cold once in a blue moon, never gets sick I picked him up anyway, because I figured something else was going on. When we got to the car I looked at him and asked, "Do you really have a stomach ache?" He just sat there.....and I told him I would take him home but when he was ready I wanted him to come and talk to me about what was going on. About an hour later he told me they were supposed to be working on an assignment and his teacher kept asking him over and over if he needed help on it.....and it got on his nerves. I knew at that moment, school was not going to be easy with him, but I made clear I wasn't picking him up again just because the teacher got on his nerves. He waited until he got to High School and then just started ditching classes. He hates asking for help, he doesn't like people asking him if he needs help....and if he didn't want to do an assignment in class or otherwise he just never did it. He made it look like he didn't care about grades or school or learning. I never understood this. When I found out that all he needed to do in Junior High was show up to class and do assignments to get a C average my jaw dropped. Because he was failing. To fail a class here you quite literally have to do Nothing. I shook my head, my frustrations with the school system grew, as they continued to pass him from one year to the next....failing every single year. Never making him be accountable, setting him up to fail the next year because he was that much more behind. The reality.....I don't know that holding him back would have even helped. I couldn't get him to do homework, his teachers couldn't get him to any work. He just didn't care. I even have a rule in my house that if you want to get your driver's license when you turn 16 you have to have at least a C average. It was never a motivator for him. He just got his license.....on his own, this month. I've talked to him....lectured him....begged and pleaded with him to do something. Because I know he is going to have a much harder time without an education. I don't get the whole I don't care I know everything attitude.....I don't know how you just decide not to graduate from high school.
So what do I do with a kid who I just can't get a handle on, in the last few years I've barely been able to parent? Who drops out of school when I tell him how important an education is in life. A kid who I taught not to lie and steal.....and he ends up getting caught doing both. A kid who does everything opposite of what I ask or talk to him about. I'll tell you what I do. I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Look....I love you, I will always love you. but if you want to learn all this the hard way....then go for it. I'm done lecturing." I'll be completely honest, I have a hard time having conversations with him right now. I don't know why. He at least has a job and his own transportation that he got on his own. He has a lot to learn about life....and I guess when it comes down to it we all did when we were 18. In some ways he's ahead of the game, but without that all important education he's going to find himself slowly falling behind. So I sit back and see my friends who have kids graduating, and how proud they are. And I'll be honest I'm jealous. We should be celebrating. I should get to take graduation pictures and have a party.....and I can't help but be a little disappointed. However, I'm all about letting our kids make choices, and letting them deal with consequences on their own. I can't live life for my children. I can give them advice, I can tell them I'm not happy with something they are doing, I can help guide them in the right direction, but ultimately they have to learn it themselves. So you have a child that you tell not to touch the stove because they might get burned......and they touch it anyway, just because....and they get burned. Maybe they have a scar, but they won't likely do it again. As our kids grow up we give them advice....it doesn't mean they are always going to follow it. Hardest part of parenting....letting our kids make mistakes. We all have to, I'm pretty sure I still make mistakes on a daily basis. We know this is part of the learning process. It's hard to sit back and watch it happen, but if I want my children, especially my oldest right now to learn, I have to let them make mistakes and try again. We all figure it out eventually....right?
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Back to Work
One day left......deep breath in......and out. I really have no idea how I'm feeling about all of this. I have to admit I'm a little bit anxious. It's not like being a working mom is new to me. The last year and a half is the longest I've gone without a job.....at least as far as I can remember....(My memory is crap). I've probably said at least a hundred times now, life is always changing, and we are constantly readjusting. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have to constantly adjust to life changes. I think I would get bored very quickly. I don't typically plan anything too far in advance, I do things spur of the moment....or last minute. Although I have to admit it would be nice if life slowed down just a little bit.
So here I am, going back to my job that I left a year and a half ago. I'm going back to the same schedule I worked when I left. I'm going back to late nights and little sleep. (although summer is almost here so I'll have a little relief). None of this is new. When I first started this job, I was working 6-10 hour shifts 5 days a week (I started right at a busy time). I was getting home between 4 and 8 in the morning. Todd was working construction driving a dump truck and was working 12 to 15 hour shifts. Many mornings I was calling him, and telling him I was 5 minutes from home and it was ok for him to leave. Our kids were still little. My youngest was barely a year old. I slept when he took naps....sometimes not at all. I left for work after I put everyone to bed. I look back at those times and in some ways now seems much easier. Ok I don't know if I would say easier......different....but definitely not harder. I call it my survival mode. Back then I had little ones. Now everyone is in school, but I have more things I have to take care of. I'm still a mom....and a caregiver. I still have to make sure everyone is where they need to be. I still have doctor's appointments that I have to take Todd to. I still have to do everything I've been doing for the last year and a half and add work on top of it. Can I do it? Well, of course I can. This isn't why I've been feeling anxious. Am I going to miss getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night? You better believe it, but I'll deal with it. So what's with the little bit of anxiety I'm feeling? I worry about the hours I'll be gone before everyone is in bed for the night. I worry about Todd and our oldest son not getting along. (I'm usually the mediator). I worry about my two middle kids having way more responsibility dumped on them than they need or deserve right now. I worry about my youngest, having to get used to me not being there every night. I worry about Todd deciding he needs to go to the store for something and him not being awake/alert enough to be driving. I worry that something will happen that might be too hard for the kids to handle. This is all just part of my world right now, and stuff I don't need to worry about 90% of the time. Everything is still up in the air. I don't know what Todd's health is going to be like in a month or 3 months or a year. So the reality is, my worrying is a little bit silly....for the most part. But that 10% of the time is why I'm a little anxious. I'm hoping that the transition back to work goes smoothly, and, I think it will be. I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It's not my favorite place, but it came up right when I needed it, and I just have to see how it goes.
Like I said, being a working mom isn't new to me. Over all I've really enjoyed being home. Yes, we've had a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, frustrations, tears, arguments. It's been crazy and fun and frustrating. We've had some really good moments and some that I would rather not relive. If I'm being honest, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for good. The reality is, I probably never will be again, and I would probably go a little bit nuts. I need to have something I'm doing that gets me out of my house for a while. Adjustments.....it's part of life. It might be a rough first month, but here goes nothing...
So here I am, going back to my job that I left a year and a half ago. I'm going back to the same schedule I worked when I left. I'm going back to late nights and little sleep. (although summer is almost here so I'll have a little relief). None of this is new. When I first started this job, I was working 6-10 hour shifts 5 days a week (I started right at a busy time). I was getting home between 4 and 8 in the morning. Todd was working construction driving a dump truck and was working 12 to 15 hour shifts. Many mornings I was calling him, and telling him I was 5 minutes from home and it was ok for him to leave. Our kids were still little. My youngest was barely a year old. I slept when he took naps....sometimes not at all. I left for work after I put everyone to bed. I look back at those times and in some ways now seems much easier. Ok I don't know if I would say easier......different....but definitely not harder. I call it my survival mode. Back then I had little ones. Now everyone is in school, but I have more things I have to take care of. I'm still a mom....and a caregiver. I still have to make sure everyone is where they need to be. I still have doctor's appointments that I have to take Todd to. I still have to do everything I've been doing for the last year and a half and add work on top of it. Can I do it? Well, of course I can. This isn't why I've been feeling anxious. Am I going to miss getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night? You better believe it, but I'll deal with it. So what's with the little bit of anxiety I'm feeling? I worry about the hours I'll be gone before everyone is in bed for the night. I worry about Todd and our oldest son not getting along. (I'm usually the mediator). I worry about my two middle kids having way more responsibility dumped on them than they need or deserve right now. I worry about my youngest, having to get used to me not being there every night. I worry about Todd deciding he needs to go to the store for something and him not being awake/alert enough to be driving. I worry that something will happen that might be too hard for the kids to handle. This is all just part of my world right now, and stuff I don't need to worry about 90% of the time. Everything is still up in the air. I don't know what Todd's health is going to be like in a month or 3 months or a year. So the reality is, my worrying is a little bit silly....for the most part. But that 10% of the time is why I'm a little anxious. I'm hoping that the transition back to work goes smoothly, and, I think it will be. I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It's not my favorite place, but it came up right when I needed it, and I just have to see how it goes.
Like I said, being a working mom isn't new to me. Over all I've really enjoyed being home. Yes, we've had a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, frustrations, tears, arguments. It's been crazy and fun and frustrating. We've had some really good moments and some that I would rather not relive. If I'm being honest, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for good. The reality is, I probably never will be again, and I would probably go a little bit nuts. I need to have something I'm doing that gets me out of my house for a while. Adjustments.....it's part of life. It might be a rough first month, but here goes nothing...
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